How close to someone do you have to be to go to the funeral of their parent?

[Anonymous]

Yes, the whole point of putting it in the paper is so anyone can come without the grieving family having to invite anyone.

I also grew up with a social family in a tight community. I think there are a good number of loners on DCUM. It's kind of the DC way (i.e. needing friends is almost seen as a sign of weakness).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think your friend would even expect to see you there.
I would only go if she invited me personally.

I would likely only attend a funeral for a parent of either my spouse or a best friend.
Maybe also my children’s other parent if they are still young too.

I think you're very unique in this. I've been to 5 funerals in the past 3 months. All elderly people. All attended by 500-800 people, primarily friends of the elderly person's children.

I have a hard time believing this. No funeral I've ever attended has ever had that many attendees. Perhaps we're not from the same culture, but I think your experience is definitely not the norm.

I'm not making stuff up.
3 were in DC, one was in the deep South, one near Philly. the churches were packed.

When my own MIL (age 80) died 2 yrs ago there were easily 500 people at the funeral in Philly. My husband had 30+ friends and coworkers drive up from DC, none had told us in advance. They just showed up.

I've never been to a funeral that large. And know very few people who would have that big a crowd drive several hours to support a coworker after their parent's death. That's not common.

Actually scratch that. I've been to two that large or larger. One, a minister's funeral that was that large because their entire congregation came. And then one public official who has hundreds of maybe thousands of mourners, most probably did not know the deceased personally.

But most others have been from a couple dozen people to maybe 200 or so, depending on the age of the deceased.

[Anonymous]

I've been to one funeral that was 300+ people. But the funeral was for one of the victims of the 2007 shootings at Delaware State Univ. She was from DC. She was a Wilson graduate, and many of her high school peers attended. Delaware State provided charter buses to bring students from the campus to DC for the funeral. Also, the president of Delaware State at that time spoke at the funeral.

My MIL's funeral had about 100 attendees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the funerals that I’ve been to have been open to anyone who wants to attend. That’s why announcements are made in churches that I’ve attended, and obituaries with details about the service are published publicly. As someone who has had to arrange a funeral service, I find these traditions very helpful. They leave space for receiving support of different kinds. The last thing that I would have wanted, while dealing with my own grief, would have been to be personally responsible for reaching out to dozens if not hundreds of people, during a very short, very stressful period of time, to extend personal invitations. It’s time consuming, and emotionally a painful burden to be tasked with informing others of a death and to handle their shock and loss while dealing with my own.


The traditions I’m used to reflect my experience growing up in relatively cohesive communities, though, and I recognize that this isn’t everyone’s experience.

People who are not part of a religious community, and are the normal run-of-the-mill type (not well-known local leader, etc) usually do not have that many people attend their funerals.

[Anonymous]

This is totally dependent on where you live and your culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the whole point of putting it in the paper is so anyone can come without the grieving family having to invite anyone.

I also grew up with a social family in a tight community. I think there are a good number of loners on DCUM. It's kind of the DC way (i.e. needing friends is almost seen as a sign of weakness).

By “DC way” do you mean DCUM? I ask this as a 3rd generation DC Native from a cultural tradition that very much values community and friendships — to the point where people have “play brothers”, “cousins”, godparents and godchildren, and other relatives of the heart.

[Anonymous]

I remember every person who showed up (for me, not my siblings) at my mother’s funeral.

It meant the world to me.

I also remember who did not show up, and now view them differently.

[Anonymous]

Err on the side of going. You don't have to do anything else but go. Putting the notice is to tell other people when to come. If services were private, it would say so. Don't over think it. If you can't go for some reason, send a card. Grief is tough - support matters.

[Anonymous]

Definitely show up. It's for the living.

[Anonymous]

Know your audience.

It meant so much to me when my close friends attended my loved one's funeral.

[Anonymous]

When my dad died suddenly (68 form CHF) and we were planning his funeral the funeral director cautioned that people didn't attend funerals in the numbers they had in the past. My parents lived in a rural community btw.

The funeral turned out to be standing room only. This was before they did things like set up remote viewing overflow rooms and the sanctuary was packed. It meant a great deal to see how many people showed up.

I have a friend from h.s. I exchange cards with and occasional facebook posts. I've visited a handful of times in the last 15 years (they live a few hundred miles away). Her husband had COPD and his last couple of years were pretty bad, and they weren't having any visitors (during covid). She posted his death on her FB page. When I arrived for the funeral she hugged me, started crying, and said she was so glad I came.

I'm in the "always go to the funeral" camp unless it has been clearly arranged as a private event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the funerals that I’ve been to have been open to anyone who wants to attend. That’s why announcements are made in churches that I’ve attended, and obituaries with details about the service are published publicly. As someone who has had to arrange a funeral service, I find these traditions very helpful. They leave space for receiving support of different kinds. The last thing that I would have wanted, while dealing with my own grief, would have been to be personally responsible for reaching out to dozens if not hundreds of people, during a very short, very stressful period of time, to extend personal invitations. It’s time consuming, and emotionally a painful burden to be tasked with informing others of a death and to handle their shock and loss while dealing with my own.


The traditions I’m used to reflect my experience growing up in relatively cohesive communities, though, and I recognize that this isn’t everyone’s experience.

People who are not part of a religious community, and are the normal run-of-the-mill type (not well-known local leader, etc) usually do not have that many people attend their funerals.

Even that's not really true. I've been to several held in funeral parlors instead of churches because there was no religious community, and still a lot of people showed up. It might make a difference that the deceased people had local family who had connections in the community in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are different parts of a funeral. In my religion (Irish Catholic), we have a wake or viewing, church service and then, the burial. For a friend, I would goto the viewing and/or the church service. I wouldn’t sit in the front pew at the church service which I think is for close family. I probably wouldn’t attend the actual burial site or the luncheon following. Tell us about YOUR funeral.

Front pews are always reserved for immediate family--and anyone they want to be included with the immediate family.

[Anonymous]

I would go. Your friend will remember that you showed up.

[Anonymous]

I would touch base with this friend and say that you saw the notice and want to support her. Ask her if it would be okay or weird if you attended, and that, regardless, you'll keep her her in your thoughts.