Are you starting to resent your elderly parent being alive?

[Anonymous]

I tried to get my 80 yo dad to help, he is in good physical shape but idk if it’s learned helplessness or what but he just screws everything up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I never resented my parents for being alive. I’d give anything for a few more hours with my Mom. What I did resent was not having more resources/ a larger family to share in the caregiving and other responsibilities. I also felt torn, in my parents last days — that my wish for more time with them was in conflict with what they were enduring.

I do resent the impact that my caregiving responsibilities— that I willingly took on — have had on other aspects of my life, but I resented society, not my parents. (As in: being the legal next of kin planning for hospital discharges wasn’t about my parents or even their needs — it was about insurance, and the way this country truly doesn’t value and support the elderly or family caregivers.)

After "society" paid their hospital bill???

I’m not sure what you’re asking. Due to a lifetime of working, my mom had primary, secondary and tertiary insurances, and paid for assisted living and additional bills that weren’t covered by insurance out of pocket. I’m sure that my mom did more for society in her life then society ever did for her.

My comment refers to the amount of work that family members need to take on as part of eldercare that the FMLA doesn’t begin to help with. “Society” leaves much of eldercare up to family members — and those who don’t have people to do a lot of running around as well as income, are f*cked. My career will never recover from the time that I —willingly — spent focused on eldercare. As a consequence, that means my own preparations for my future as an elder have been permanently f*cked, since my insurance options are limited, my social security is less than it otherwise would have been, and so on. Other countries have very different types of social safety nets.

+1
While my siblings have enjoyed uninterrupted education and careers ….its not right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of replies from people who do not live with their parents here! My mom lives with us, she's not that old yet, and I could see it getting to this stage. When she moved in my husband told her "you have a place to live for the rest of your life" and I was like ?!!!?!?!!?!?!

She gets a pension and still has her own home that she rents out, so if she ever needs more supported care we can sell the house to get her into a home. But sometimes it's very annoying to have her underfoot and I think people who are calling OP ugly names need to realize it's easier to love a person from a distance. My mom didn't annoy me at all when she lived 7 states away!

To what stage? OP said her mother is healthy and helpful to her and her dh, both of whom have ailments.

Sorry, just seeing this. I meant that I could see my annoyance with having my mom constantly underfoot turning to resentment and eventually the level of resentment that OP is describing (hate is a very strong word but I think it's just the exhaustion + resentment talking). My mom is relatively healthy and somewhat helpful. But she's also 73, and I can't imagine that if I spent the next 20 years with her in my house I'd jump out of bed in the morning excited to see her.

Part of it is about never getting to be alone in my house, or to be alone with my husband and kids. Think of that roommate from college who never went out and you always saw them every single time you opened the apartment door. Now think about that, but for 20+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

WTH? What are you talking about? We are actively supporting all of our kids in lots of ways (emotionally, financially, helping get internships and jobs), etc.; still have one in college. How are we "off the table"? Most of the people in this forum are genuinely screwed up.

What? You’re helping your grown children get jobs and internships? Shouldn’t they be doing that on their own? You’re raising very passive dependent adults that expect everyone to help them throughout their life. Good luck with that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

FO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is with the threads recently of people sad they still have parents.

I started one of the threads. People are living so long nowadays.
My mother died at 72 and it was a relief. My father who is way easier but still is too incompetent for modern life so requires a ton of handholding is planning to live to 100 and has no clue he is the only one looking forward to it.

I'm with you. I don't get all these people who say they're enjoying it. Maybe their parents have already passed away, because nobody who's in the trenches can be having a jolly good time. Maybe women here like to serve? Have nothing to do? Have no career, interests or hobbies? Imagine their role to be support personnel to other family members?

I’m one of the people with elderly parents and grateful to have them. They don’t live with me and that is not on the table. My parents feel strongly about that. But visiting them or helping them with things, or texting or calling is not something I have any issue with. I have plenty of interests, hobbies, work, and my kids are young adults.

But I recognize and respect everything my parents sacrificed for me as a child and when our kids were young. So if I need to take them to an appointment or help them with something I make it happen. My DH fully supports this and is happy to help them too.

I’m sorry so many people didn’t have a great relationship with their parents. But I did and I’ll never feel bad that they are a top priority in my life. No, I don’t find joy in this stage and it’s hard to watch them age. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ll be there for anything they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

WTH? What are you talking about? We are actively supporting all of our kids in lots of ways (emotionally, financially, helping get internships and jobs), etc.; still have one in college. How are we "off the table"? Most of the people in this forum are genuinely screwed up.

What? You’re helping your grown children get jobs and internships? Shouldn’t they be doing that on their own? You’re raising very passive dependent adults that expect everyone to help them throughout their life. Good luck with that.

Again with the screwed up family postings... yes, when your kid is in college or getting a first job, you give them advice or contacts if you have those. People here criticize parents if they don't help and criticize parents if they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

WTH? What are you talking about? We are actively supporting all of our kids in lots of ways (emotionally, financially, helping get internships and jobs), etc.; still have one in college. How are we "off the table"? Most of the people in this forum are genuinely screwed up.

What? You’re helping your grown children get jobs and internships? Shouldn’t they be doing that on their own? You’re raising very passive dependent adults that expect everyone to help them throughout their life. Good luck with that.

Again with the screwed up family postings... yes, when your kid is in college or getting a first job, you give them advice or contacts if you have those. People here criticize parents if they don't help and criticize parents if they do.

lol. I got my own internships in college and also got my great first job out of college on my own. Did no think my parents should be providing this… lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

Sad but true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

May this comment come back to haunt you when you turn 60. #karma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? No.

Even if my parents live beyond their ability to fully live, I won't resent them for it.

NP here

Well, circle back after you've had a 90 year old living with you for more than two weeks.

If you know, you know.

+1000. Our 80 year old mom stays with us on weekends and by Monday we are all done with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is with the threads recently of people sad they still have parents.

I started one of the threads. People are living so long nowadays.
My mother died at 72 and it was a relief. My father who is way easier but still is too incompetent for modern life so requires a ton of handholding is planning to live to 100 and has no clue he is the only one looking forward to it.

I'm with you. I don't get all these people who say they're enjoying it. Maybe their parents have already passed away, because nobody who's in the trenches can be having a jolly good time. Maybe women here like to serve? Have nothing to do? Have no career, interests or hobbies? Imagine their role to be support personnel to other family members?

I’m one of the people with elderly parents and grateful to have them. They don’t live with me and that is not on the table. My parents feel strongly about that. But visiting them or helping them with things, or texting or calling is not something I have any issue with. I have plenty of interests, hobbies, work, and my kids are young adults.

But I recognize and respect everything my parents sacrificed for me as a child and when our kids were young. So if I need to take them to an appointment or help them with something I make it happen. My DH fully supports this and is happy to help them too.

I’m sorry so many people didn’t have a great relationship with their parents. But I did and I’ll never feel bad that they are a top priority in my life. No, I don’t find joy in this stage and it’s hard to watch them age. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ll be there for anything they need.

It’s different when they live with you.

[Anonymous]

Some parents are annoying even if they don’t live with you but are always lowkey bugging you with their problems and questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is with the threads recently of people sad they still have parents.

I started one of the threads. People are living so long nowadays.
My mother died at 72 and it was a relief. My father who is way easier but still is too incompetent for modern life so requires a ton of handholding is planning to live to 100 and has no clue he is the only one looking forward to it.

I'm with you. I don't get all these people who say they're enjoying it. Maybe their parents have already passed away, because nobody who's in the trenches can be having a jolly good time. Maybe women here like to serve? Have nothing to do? Have no career, interests or hobbies? Imagine their role to be support personnel to other family members?

I’m one of the people with elderly parents and grateful to have them. They don’t live with me and that is not on the table. My parents feel strongly about that. But visiting them or helping them with things, or texting or calling is not something I have any issue with. I have plenty of interests, hobbies, work, and my kids are young adults.

But I recognize and respect everything my parents sacrificed for me as a child and when our kids were young. So if I need to take them to an appointment or help them with something I make it happen. My DH fully supports this and is happy to help them too.

I’m sorry so many people didn’t have a great relationship with their parents. But I did and I’ll never feel bad that they are a top priority in my life. No, I don’t find joy in this stage and it’s hard to watch them age. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ll be there for anything they need.

It’s different when they live with you.

+1. It's a HUGE difference.