Are you starting to resent your elderly parent being alive?

[Anonymous]

My mom, my children’s only involved/interested grandparent, died of cancer at 61. I was 38 and my kids were 10 and 7.

What I wouldn’t give for OP’s problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom, my children’s only involved/interested grandparent, died of cancer at 61. I was 38 and my kids were 10 and 7.

What I wouldn’t give for OP’s problem.

I agree, and my heart goes out to you. I would give anything to still have my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like most people commenting have no idea how hard it is to be a constant caregiver. I do think it's a challenge for caregivers that medications are allowing many people to live to very old age

This. And, yes, OP, I feel that way, too, although it's clearly not acceptable to share that given the responses here.

NP - I concur.

My 90 yo mom is downright nasty to me - and this was before the dementia. I have learned to avoid certain topics - which is pretty much anything because she will always find fault with anything I say or do. I tell myself she has an undiagnosed mental illness to get me through the day.

I think people need to understand that not all old ladies are 'cute' and 'sweet'.

I guess we all know how you'll be acting as an older woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like most people commenting have no idea how hard it is to be a constant caregiver. I do think it's a challenge for caregivers that medications are allowing many people to live to very old age

This. And, yes, OP, I feel that way, too, although it's clearly not acceptable to share that given the responses here.

Just make sure you leave this world by 75 so no one will have to put up with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is with the threads recently of people sad they still have parents.

while some of us lost our one of ours even before we we born.

ungreatful af.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is with the threads recently of people sad they still have parents.

You shouldn't compare because the situations are not comparable.

I have a father who has never loved me, not a day of my life. When he dies it will be a relief because I've never known paternal love yet he remains alive, reminding me that he doesn't love me, yet asking for my love and support.

I would personally rather have a dad who loved me once and has now passed. I am sure it would be sad to lose him, but to have that parental love? I can only imagine what that would feel like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

It may suck either way but trust me it sucks a whole lot more when the parent is unkind or rude, and it's a lot harder if their health issues are severe. Judging people dealing with parents who are difficult or hurtful or whose health issues require all their attention for not being happier or grateful is nuts.

Other people have different experiences than you. Please try to wrap your head around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

It may suck either way but trust me it sucks a whole lot more when the parent is unkind or rude, and it's a lot harder if their health issues are severe. Judging people dealing with parents who are difficult or hurtful or whose health issues require all their attention for not being happier or grateful is nuts.

Other people have different experiences than you. Please try to wrap your head around that.

If your parent is unkind or rude you could just … leave them? There’s no need to help them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of replies from people who do not live with their parents here! My mom lives with us, she's not that old yet, and I could see it getting to this stage. When she moved in my husband told her "you have a place to live for the rest of your life" and I was like ?!!!?!?!!?!?!

She gets a pension and still has her own home that she rents out, so if she ever needs more supported care we can sell the house to get her into a home. But sometimes it's very annoying to have her underfoot and I think people who are calling OP ugly names need to realize it's easier to love a person from a distance. My mom didn't annoy me at all when she lived 7 states away!

You’re crazy. My mom lives with us. She’s a godsend. She cooks, cleans, does the laundry, helps the kids with homework, etc. Without her I’d have to outsource all that.

Your mother does all of that in her 90s? If she isn't in her 90s, get back to us when she is.

Yes, she’s in her 90s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of replies from people who do not live with their parents here! My mom lives with us, she's not that old yet, and I could see it getting to this stage. When she moved in my husband told her "you have a place to live for the rest of your life" and I was like ?!!!?!?!!?!?!

She gets a pension and still has her own home that she rents out, so if she ever needs more supported care we can sell the house to get her into a home. But sometimes it's very annoying to have her underfoot and I think people who are calling OP ugly names need to realize it's easier to love a person from a distance. My mom didn't annoy me at all when she lived 7 states away!

You’re crazy. My mom lives with us. She’s a godsend. She cooks, cleans, does the laundry, helps the kids with homework, etc. Without her I’d have to outsource all that.

Your mother does all of that in her 90s? If she isn't in her 90s, get back to us when she is.

Yes, she’s in her 90s.

My husband’s grandfather is in his 90s and he does all these types of things for my SIL’s family, with whom he lives.

[Anonymous]

For you complainers....after you turn 70, don't take any meds and don't schedule any surgeries. The younger members of your family will breathe easier and be most appreciative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

It may suck either way but trust me it sucks a whole lot more when the parent is unkind or rude, and it's a lot harder if their health issues are severe. Judging people dealing with parents who are difficult or hurtful or whose health issues require all their attention for not being happier or grateful is nuts.

Other people have different experiences than you. Please try to wrap your head around that.

If your parent is unkind or rude you could just … leave them? There’s no need to help them.

As if. I left my parent alone for 24 hrs during the ice/snow storm when roads impassible, and emt had to walk miles to get to them when they fell and set off med alert button.
Guess what? Aging called me and tried to claim I was neglecting my duties.
Bottom line - Your parents become your responsibility, like it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of replies from people who do not live with their parents here! My mom lives with us, she's not that old yet, and I could see it getting to this stage. When she moved in my husband told her "you have a place to live for the rest of your life" and I was like ?!!!?!?!!?!?!

She gets a pension and still has her own home that she rents out, so if she ever needs more supported care we can sell the house to get her into a home. But sometimes it's very annoying to have her underfoot and I think people who are calling OP ugly names need to realize it's easier to love a person from a distance. My mom didn't annoy me at all when she lived 7 states away!

You’re crazy. My mom lives with us. She’s a godsend. She cooks, cleans, does the laundry, helps the kids with homework, etc. Without her I’d have to outsource all that.

Your mother does all of that in her 90s? If she isn't in her 90s, get back to us when she is.

Yes, she’s in her 90s.

You're extremely lucky. My mom has never cooked or helped with homework, even when I was a child, so there's that. I agree with someone that the current expectation of women to be a constant caregiver is nuts. You barely get done raising children, when the parents expect you to run around them in circles, at the same time your adult kids start establishing families and grandchildren come along... I'm thinking more and more about this novel Ladder of Years, where a mom couldn't take her husband's and kids complaining on vacation and took a bus to nowhere, just to get away... Don't you just wonder sometimes what would happen if you just vanished?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I never resented my parents for being alive. I’d give anything for a few more hours with my Mom. What I did resent was not having more resources/ a larger family to share in the caregiving and other responsibilities. I also felt torn, in my parents last days — that my wish for more time with them was in conflict with what they were enduring.

I do resent the impact that my caregiving responsibilities— that I willingly took on — have had on other aspects of my life, but I resented society, not my parents. (As in: being the legal next of kin planning for hospital discharges wasn’t about my parents or even their needs — it was about insurance, and the way this country truly doesn’t value and support the elderly or family caregivers.)

After "society" paid their hospital bill???