Are you starting to resent your elderly parent being alive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like most people commenting have no idea how hard it is to be a constant caregiver. I do think it's a challenge for caregivers that medications are allowing many people to live to very old age

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she is easy going, healthy and helpful, what do you resent?

I took this post to mean her health given OP’s health struggles. The mom seems to have no health ailments.

I’m sorry you feel that burden OP.

So OP hates her mom because she (OP) has health issues and her mom does not? And her mom is actually helpful to her and her husband. Sorry, I don't understand. Hopefully, the OP can come back and explain what is burdensome in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of replies from people who do not live with their parents here! My mom lives with us, she's not that old yet, and I could see it getting to this stage. When she moved in my husband told her "you have a place to live for the rest of your life" and I was like ?!!!?!?!!?!?!

She gets a pension and still has her own home that she rents out, so if she ever needs more supported care we can sell the house to get her into a home. But sometimes it's very annoying to have her underfoot and I think people who are calling OP ugly names need to realize it's easier to love a person from a distance. My mom didn't annoy me at all when she lived 7 states away!

You’re crazy. My mom lives with us. She’s a godsend. She cooks, cleans, does the laundry, helps the kids with homework, etc. Without her I’d have to outsource all that.

Your mother does all of that in her 90s? If she isn't in her 90s, get back to us when she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like most people commenting have no idea how hard it is to be a constant caregiver. I do think it's a challenge for caregivers that medications are allowing many people to live to very old age

This. And, yes, OP, I feel that way, too, although it's clearly not acceptable to share that given the responses here.

[Anonymous]

I could only do this for my mom who is the easiest person I have ever met in my life. My mil? I actually would move out and let dh deal. I am not joking. It would feel like giving the rest of my life away after raising my kids already. I want years just for myself.

[Anonymous]

My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my mother but I never thought she would live this long, now 92 and going healthy strong. She lives with us and is easy going and helpful but my spouse and I are older- mid 60’s. Unlike her, we have ailments.

She can’t afford a nursing home, we can’t afford to pay one for her, my sibling can’t be counted on. I am starting to hate her, I feel awful. I’m at least glad to vent my feelings out here. thanks.

I wish there was an end date where you die in your sleep at 85.

Your mom being dead wouldn't make you healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

It's almost like different families are different and not everyone has the exact same experience or situation as you do, though.

Weird, I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my mother but I never thought she would live this long, now 92 and going healthy strong. She lives with us and is easy going and helpful but my spouse and I are older- mid 60’s. Unlike her, we have ailments.

She can’t afford a nursing home, we can’t afford to pay one for her, my sibling can’t be counted on. I am starting to hate her, I feel awful. I’m at least glad to vent my feelings out here. thanks.

I wish there was an end date where you die in your sleep at 85.

Your mom being dead wouldn't make you healthy.

But it would give her bandwidth to focus on her own health and well being instead of making sure her 92 year old mother is okay.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh, no, OP. I love my parents and I feel so thankful they are still here. I am 52 and they are 82 and 75. My kids are 18 and 13 and I want my parents to live many more years so that my kids’ lives can overlap with theirs as long as possible. I feel lucky that my one grandmother was alive until I was in my mid-thirties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

[Anonymous]

My sense is that a lot of the people here with very strong opinions have not yet been through the weirdness that is “living with an extremely elderly parent.” We had one elderly relative who was basically housebound and ninety but insisted that someone make a reservation, purchase a plane ticket and come to her home in the other side of the country in order to fill her window boxes with geraniums in the spring. No matter that we were all still working full time in our sixties, helping out with grandchildren, still having to be careful with our annual leave, dealing with our own medical issues and doctors appointments and surgeries and medical tests etc etc etc. Many of them do expect their children to serve as some sort of on-call concierge service. The people with the opinions also haven’t had to contend with the gender bias that these old codgers have. I.E. extremely elderly mom can’t under why after she breaks her hip you can’t drop everything and stay with elderly dad for three weeks while she is in rehab since he refuses to do any cooking or laundry or cleaning. It’s not “men’s work”, don’t you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like most people commenting have no idea how hard it is to be a constant caregiver. I do think it's a challenge for caregivers that medications are allowing many people to live to very old age

This. And, yes, OP, I feel that way, too, although it's clearly not acceptable to share that given the responses here.

NP - I concur.

My 90 yo mom is downright nasty to me - and this was before the dementia. I have learned to avoid certain topics - which is pretty much anything because she will always find fault with anything I say or do. I tell myself she has an undiagnosed mental illness to get me through the day.

I think people need to understand that not all old ladies are 'cute' and 'sweet'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like most people commenting have no idea how hard it is to be a constant caregiver. I do think it's a challenge for caregivers that medications are allowing many people to live to very old age

It seems like some of you just don’t get that other people in similar circumstances would not all feel the same way, or want the same things as you and people like you who are making similar comments. It’s ok. Different people are different. You really don’t need to over generalize about the rest of us te reach a point where you can feel comfortable with your own feelings and decisions.

And yes, as the only surviving “child” in my generation, with divorced parents — not amicably— I do have some idea how hard it can be to be a caregiver.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked at the casual use of the word "hate". Word choice matters. I really can't get past that. I think some time with a social worker is needed - especially because they could help figure out a better living arrangement. You Mother probably qualifies for Medicaid and an entrance into a place where she can have socialization. You, you could have a life. Get your life back. Get help.