Are you starting to resent your elderly parent being alive?

[Anonymous]

what do you resent? She is healthy and not problematic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like most people commenting have no idea how hard it is to be a constant caregiver. I do think it's a challenge for caregivers that medications are allowing many people to live to very old age

It seems like some of you just don’t get that other people in similar circumstances would not all feel the same way, or want the same things as you and people like you who are making similar comments. It’s ok. Different people are different. You really don’t need to over generalize about the rest of us te reach a point where you can feel comfortable with your own feelings and decisions.

And yes, as the only surviving “child” in my generation, with divorced parents — not amicably— I do have some idea how hard it can be to be a caregiver.

Yeah, not everyone who has to deal with the burden of caregiving hates their parent and resents them for not dying. You can find it stressful and difficult and also not wish your parent were dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

WTH? What are you talking about? We are actively supporting all of our kids in lots of ways (emotionally, financially, helping get internships and jobs), etc.; still have one in college. How are we "off the table"? Most of the people in this forum are genuinely screwed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

WTH? What are you talking about? We are actively supporting all of our kids in lots of ways (emotionally, financially, helping get internships and jobs), etc.; still have one in college. How are we "off the table"? Most of the people in this forum are genuinely screwed up.

There have been a few weird posts lately about people being "over" their elderly parents. They are like a gut-punch to me. I lost my mom last year, and I would do anything to have her back. My 93 y/o dad lives independently at his own insistence . . . I consider it a privilege to still have him here, and I am happy to make the extra effort to accommodate and help him.

[Anonymous]

OP, at 92 since she is healthy and strong she could easily live another 10 years and outlive you and/or your spouse.

I'm not sure why you are angry that she is healthy.

[Anonymous]

No. I would love to have another day with my father. I would have loved to see him remain healthy to the age of 92. And I'm holding on to every day with my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God you people are insane. Provided care for my parents for a decade. Don’t regret a second of it, least I could do for them after all they did for me.

I am a boomer, so not all of us are selfish.

But some are selfish so then it sucks to take care of them. Your parents were probably lovely parents and grandparents. It then feels natural to help these types of people.

No, it sucked. Big time. But I did understand what the assignment was and I realize that we all will be there one day. Right now, anyone over 60 is a PIA to their kids no matter what. You could be lovely, non interfering, not very sick, whatever. Still- this age group is off the table.

WTH? What are you talking about? We are actively supporting all of our kids in lots of ways (emotionally, financially, helping get internships and jobs), etc.; still have one in college. How are we "off the table"? Most of the people in this forum are genuinely screwed up.

What? You’re helping your grown children get jobs and internships? Shouldn’t they be doing that on their own? You’re raising very passive dependent adults that expect everyone to help them throughout their life. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. The first mistake was to take your mom in and you probably did that, because you didn't think she'll live so long. With current medications people live looooong. My plan is to get a job in another country once the kids are gone to college. I hate caregiving (the cooking, cleaning part) and only enjoyed raising kids because you can teach them and see them grow. I have a DH and he's also hoping once the kids are gone my attention will all be on him. It's like they have all lined up since I'm diligent and reliable. Sorry, everybody will have to fend for themselves or I'd spend the rest of my life taking care of someone else.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people in this thread who had or have parents who loved them and took care of them instead of abusive parents who neglected them or treated them as unpaid maids, babysitters, and therapists. I'm happy for y'all, truly, but you don't get to judge me or my feelings.

I've been mourning my parents my entire life even though they are still alive because they've never actually parented me or contributed positively to my life and now they are just a burden.

If that makes you sad, good, it is sad. But I'm not a bad person, I'm just a human being who has had to take care of myself AND other members of my family since I was 6 years old. I'm tired and I do in fact look forward to the release of my parents dying. So sue me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my mother but I never thought she would live this long, now 92 and going healthy strong. She lives with us and is easy going and helpful but my spouse and I are older- mid 60’s. Unlike her, we have ailments.

She can’t afford a nursing home, we can’t afford to pay one for her, my sibling can’t be counted on. I am starting to hate her, I feel awful. I’m at least glad to vent my feelings out here. thanks.

I wish there was an end date where you die in your sleep at 85.

It should be 75 tbh
Do you have money to rent a small place for her?

[Anonymous]

I'd like to see a man quit their job to take care of their parents! A lot of women seem to voluntarily put themselves into servant positions and then wonder why they're left with nothing in the end. How many of your DHs have moved in with their parents and care for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is with the threads recently of people sad they still have parents.

I started one of the threads. People are living so long nowadays.
My mother died at 72 and it was a relief. My father who is way easier but still is too incompetent for modern life so requires a ton of handholding is planning to live to 100 and has no clue he is the only one looking forward to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of replies from people who do not live with their parents here! My mom lives with us, she's not that old yet, and I could see it getting to this stage. When she moved in my husband told her "you have a place to live for the rest of your life" and I was like ?!!!?!?!!?!?!

She gets a pension and still has her own home that she rents out, so if she ever needs more supported care we can sell the house to get her into a home. But sometimes it's very annoying to have her underfoot and I think people who are calling OP ugly names need to realize it's easier to love a person from a distance. My mom didn't annoy me at all when she lived 7 states away!

Your mom needs to rent her own place near you! Wtf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is with the threads recently of people sad they still have parents.

I started one of the threads. People are living so long nowadays.
My mother died at 72 and it was a relief. My father who is way easier but still is too incompetent for modern life so requires a ton of handholding is planning to live to 100 and has no clue he is the only one looking forward to it.

I'm with you. I don't get all these people who say they're enjoying it. Maybe their parents have already passed away, because nobody who's in the trenches can be having a jolly good time. Maybe women here like to serve? Have nothing to do? Have no career, interests or hobbies? Imagine their role to be support personnel to other family members?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I never resented my parents for being alive. I’d give anything for a few more hours with my Mom. What I did resent was not having more resources/ a larger family to share in the caregiving and other responsibilities. I also felt torn, in my parents last days — that my wish for more time with them was in conflict with what they were enduring.

I do resent the impact that my caregiving responsibilities— that I willingly took on — have had on other aspects of my life, but I resented society, not my parents. (As in: being the legal next of kin planning for hospital discharges wasn’t about my parents or even their needs — it was about insurance, and the way this country truly doesn’t value and support the elderly or family caregivers.)

After "society" paid their hospital bill???

I’m not sure what you’re asking. Due to a lifetime of working, my mom had primary, secondary and tertiary insurances, and paid for assisted living and additional bills that weren’t covered by insurance out of pocket. I’m sure that my mom did more for society in her life then society ever did for her.

My comment refers to the amount of work that family members need to take on as part of eldercare that the FMLA doesn’t begin to help with. “Society” leaves much of eldercare up to family members — and those who don’t have people to do a lot of running around as well as income, are f*cked. My career will never recover from the time that I —willingly — spent focused on eldercare. As a consequence, that means my own preparations for my future as an elder have been permanently f*cked, since my insurance options are limited, my social security is less than it otherwise would have been, and so on. Other countries have very different types of social safety nets.