Daughter wants to move back home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest moved out when he was around 24. He moved back in after a year. He’s a wonderful person and helps around the house and with other things (like he does our oil changes and car maintenance and drives and runs errands). He does have a girlfriend who stays here sometimes. That took some getting used to but it’s fine. Like my son, she’s a very nice person and a hard worker.

My family is all close and we really enjoy being together. They’ll go when they’re ready but we’re fine with them living with us until then.

Awww

Fixed that for you PP. Totally ok for young adult DD or DS to move back if they are lonely and missing their family. Also bonus they save some money for a downpayment.

[Anonymous]

OP: Was this her Christmas gift to you & to your husband ?

As the circumstances are described, it seems okay to move back home since she has a full-time job & a steady boyfriend.

I would require a payment of 33% of her take home pay to be put is a safe investment account so that she has both an emergency fund & a disciplined approach to saving for a down payment on a home.

Se is blessed to have a family with whom she gets along with so well.

[Anonymous]

It's fine as long as you know the real reason why OP. It's odd she would want to move home if two other high school age siblings are still there.

Does she want to save money? Is she tired of doing all the work it takes to live on her own? Is she planning to save money to get married? Etc...

I would definitely charge rent and make sure she is paying her own bills, just so she doesn't get too used to having a large amount of income she can use for whatever she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, how do YOU feel about it? That is the question. You raised her, and it sounds like you raised her well. You have earned this time to be an empty nester. There is no shame in enjoying an offspring-free home. But if you genuinely prefer to have her at home, no shame in that either. It sounds like she doesn’t need to be at home, and you have no obligation to let her. So decide what would make you happiest, and go from there.

OP said she has two other kids in high school and another in college. It is not an empty nest.

And her nest ain’t ever gonna be empty if she lets the oldest move back home because the younger ones will follow suit

Yep. I have a living example of this in my family. Oldest in his 40’s and still at home, with SO, siblings.

Ugh.

[Anonymous]

My sister moved in with my parents in her early 40’s. Stayed there for almost five years until parents pretty much had to kick her out.

[Anonymous]

She has little siblings of course she wants to live with them

[Anonymous]

It's okay to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's good to learn to be on your own. Makes you less emotionally dependent on your spouse. Gives you more agency. This move home is not great.

I agree. I’d be okay with my kids moving home to save money but the Missing her family (who see can see whenever she wants) doesn’t sound great to me. I wouldn’t want her to go straight to a marriage and living with a spouse from living at home. I want my daughter to have full confidence living alone and independently.

[Anonymous]

Getting an adult child to move out after experiencing independence can be very difficult even if they have a plan, plans have a way of falling apart.
Also consider how much her moving back home will cost you financially. I know a couple who want to downsize but their daughter moved home after a divorce with 2 toddlers. They are both now in jr. high and still live with them. They have since retired and are on a fixed income and the daughter can't keep a job.
I know parents who have had to get second jobs or take out a second mortgage because their otherwise able bodied adult child(ren) either don't want to leave or keep coming back and their bills shot up as a result.

Also, how secure is her job? I have a co-worker whose 30 something year old son suddenly wanted to move back home. He also had a girlfriend who the parents had never met, but spent a lot of time at his place when he lived alone. He had a pricey apartment somewhere in DC. The parents said she had to limit her visits. The son and gf they both had the nerve to be irritated! Turns out his job had put him on a pip. A couple months after moving back home home he was fired. The gf broke up with him because he no longer had money, but they eventually reconciled and they still get into arguments with his parents about when she can visit. He gave up his car because the parents were not going to make the payments for him so now he has to borrow one of theirs and he wants a dog. They had one when he was little who passed away years before and decided that the time and work and emotion was not worth getting another one. It's been 2 years and he has no job because he refuses to take a pay cut or have a commute longer than a certain distance or the office is too stodgy or refused to answer to someone younger or too old. All kinds of excuses. He was certain his old job was going to ask him back because he thought he was essential but nope.

His bil is a psychiatrist and has counseled him and said he couldn't spot any mental or emotional issues. He's entitled and enabled as all get out.

[Anonymous]

Hmm…she’s not sure about her bf and breakup is imminent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her about long term plans? I've had friends move back in with their parents when getting engaged (sometimes with SO), to save money for downpayment or wedding, and then buying a house. Does she have some concerns about losing her job? Is she applying for new jobs and doesn't want to lock herself into a lease? Doesn't feel ready to move in with SO, or perhaps SO is thinking of moving/changing jobs?

It has nothing to do with finances. She has a very stable job. She just wants to live at home.

Then No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has little siblings of course she wants to live with them

I think this is a weird take. Most young adults don’t want to live with school aged kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has lived with roommates before, doesn’t want to know. She mainly just doesn’t like being/living alone + misses her family, even though we’re only 15 minutes away. She’s extremely responsible & very respectful so I’m not worried about her not helping out around the house. She’s been dating her boyfriend for almost two years now, so an engagement is likely on the horizon so this won’t be a long term thing. -OP

Where does he live?

[Anonymous]

89 yo neighbors have a 56 yo adult child who refuses to work or move out.

Super unfair. Good luck though.

[Anonymous]

To me it only makes sense if it's a logistical thing like she doesn't want to sign a new lease bc she and boyfriend are planning on moving in together in a few months, she is saving for a downpayment with a time in mind for buying...But moving in to move back is like a step back. I think you should be clear she can always come back to visit but it's the type of scenario that can trigger inertia and regression.