Feeling left behind —— BF isn’t committing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

To answer a few questions:

- We’ve discussed children, and he has stated that he wants three children from the start, so we could definitely work on a compromise.

- Regarding his dating history, his last relationship lasted for five years (ages 23-28), until he broke with her, because she cheated and was being unfaithful. He took a break for a couple years, until we met and started dating. He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to.

- I work and have additional financial support from my parents, who also assist my siblings that have their own families and careers, so no I’m not financially dependent on him.

I’m planning on having a conservation and talking to him about this, because I want confirmation of his true feelings about marriage, without signaling that I’m thinking of leaving if he isn’t ready soon.

I’ll update on how it goes.

You have your answer right there. His last serious relationship ended after 5 years. You're at 3. Presumably at the three year mark in that relationship he thought things were going to work out. But they didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ultimatum time! Give him 3 months and then leave. In their mid 30s, guys propose quick, so 3.5 years is more than enough.

If a guy proposes quickly, you should be skeptical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's lots of bad advice in this thread, probably from old, divorced women who got married too young.

At 26, you're too young. And 3 years is just started to get close to the length of time past the honeymoon period of the relationship to even begin to see if you're compatible long-term.

Are there guys out there willing to get married sooner? Yes, they're called future ex-husbands. Or Mormons.

I'm happily married and now 40. Got married at 27. Not Mormon, or Evangelical, or Muslim, or any other religion that pushes teen marriage.

I think if your mid-30s boyfriend of 3.5 years is telling you he wants to wait more YEARS to get engaged, he doesn't think you're his future wife. He doesn't feel lucky to have you, he's not worried about losing you. Time to move on.

You're older. Younger people want to make sure a future spouse isn't going to go crazy before getting married. 3 months of partially living together isn't enough time for that.

They’ve been dating more than long enough. And my age is not relevant. These things haven’t changed since 2012.

[Anonymous]

"He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to."

So he wants to live with you? Move out and explain that you think it was a mistake to live together before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's lots of bad advice in this thread, probably from old, divorced women who got married too young.

At 26, you're too young. And 3 years is just started to get close to the length of time past the honeymoon period of the relationship to even begin to see if you're compatible long-term.

Are there guys out there willing to get married sooner? Yes, they're called future ex-husbands. Or Mormons.

I'm happily married and now 40. Got married at 27. Not Mormon, or Evangelical, or Muslim, or any other religion that pushes teen marriage.

I think if your mid-30s boyfriend of 3.5 years is telling you he wants to wait more YEARS to get engaged, he doesn't think you're his future wife. He doesn't feel lucky to have you, he's not worried about losing you. Time to move on.

You're older. Younger people want to make sure a future spouse isn't going to go crazy before getting married. 3 months of partially living together isn't enough time for that.

They’ve been dating more than long enough. And my age is not relevant. These things haven’t changed since 2012.

They absolutely have, particularly in people trying to establish careers.

And no, obviously three years isn't enough. Just look at his last relationship failing after 5 years. They haven't been living together very long, either, which means they don't know how their dynamics will change yet.

And the op is 26 and still living off her parents. She's still maturing, which will certainly change things. Maybe for the better, maybe worse. But that's the problem- there's no way to know yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to."

So he wants to live with you? Move out and explain that you think it was a mistake to live together before marriage.

The advice here is shockingly bad. Refusing to live together before marriage is a huge red flag. What do you need to hide?

Men don't particularly want to live with together, but it's a way to do a trial run before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's lots of bad advice in this thread, probably from old, divorced women who got married too young.

At 26, you're too young. And 3 years is just started to get close to the length of time past the honeymoon period of the relationship to even begin to see if you're compatible long-term.

Are there guys out there willing to get married sooner? Yes, they're called future ex-husbands. Or Mormons.

I'm happily married and now 40. Got married at 27. Not Mormon, or Evangelical, or Muslim, or any other religion that pushes teen marriage.

I think if your mid-30s boyfriend of 3.5 years is telling you he wants to wait more YEARS to get engaged, he doesn't think you're his future wife. He doesn't feel lucky to have you, he's not worried about losing you. Time to move on.

You're older. Younger people want to make sure a future spouse isn't going to go crazy before getting married. 3 months of partially living together isn't enough time for that.

They’ve been dating more than long enough. And my age is not relevant. These things haven’t changed since 2012.

They absolutely have, particularly in people trying to establish careers.

And no, obviously three years isn't enough. Just look at his last relationship failing after 5 years. They haven't been living together very long, either, which means they don't know how their dynamics will change yet.

And the op is 26 and still living off her parents. She's still maturing, which will certainly change things. Maybe for the better, maybe worse. But that's the problem- there's no way to know yet.

A relationship failing after 5 years only proves he’s a time-waster. He didn’t want to marry his ex either.

And of course no, things have not changed for young professionals since 2012 and you’re grasping at straws to suggest that’s relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to."

So he wants to live with you? Move out and explain that you think it was a mistake to live together before marriage.

The advice here is shockingly bad. Refusing to live together before marriage is a huge red flag. What do you need to hide?

Men don't particularly want to live with together, but it's a way to do a trial run before marriage.

Uh what? Men love to shack up. And it’s not remotely an indication they are marriage-minded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's lots of bad advice in this thread, probably from old, divorced women who got married too young.

At 26, you're too young. And 3 years is just started to get close to the length of time past the honeymoon period of the relationship to even begin to see if you're compatible long-term.

Are there guys out there willing to get married sooner? Yes, they're called future ex-husbands. Or Mormons.

I'm happily married and now 40. Got married at 27. Not Mormon, or Evangelical, or Muslim, or any other religion that pushes teen marriage.

I think if your mid-30s boyfriend of 3.5 years is telling you he wants to wait more YEARS to get engaged, he doesn't think you're his future wife. He doesn't feel lucky to have you, he's not worried about losing you. Time to move on.

You're older. Younger people want to make sure a future spouse isn't going to go crazy before getting married. 3 months of partially living together isn't enough time for that.

They’ve been dating more than long enough. And my age is not relevant. These things haven’t changed since 2012.

They absolutely have, particularly in people trying to establish careers.

And no, obviously three years isn't enough. Just look at his last relationship failing after 5 years. They haven't been living together very long, either, which means they don't know how their dynamics will change yet.

And the op is 26 and still living off her parents. She's still maturing, which will certainly change things. Maybe for the better, maybe worse. But that's the problem- there's no way to know yet.

A relationship failing after 5 years only proves he’s a time-waster. He didn’t want to marry his ex either.

And of course no, things have not changed for young professionals since 2012 and you’re grasping at straws to suggest that’s relevant.

I can't tell if you think you're being helpful or are intentionally trying to sabotage the OP. But anyone still being supported by their parents is still a kid. And you don't marry kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to."

So he wants to live with you? Move out and explain that you think it was a mistake to live together before marriage.

The advice here is shockingly bad. Refusing to live together before marriage is a huge red flag. What do you need to hide?

Men don't particularly want to live with together, but it's a way to do a trial run before marriage.

Uh what? Men love to shack up. And it’s not remotely an indication they are marriage-minded.

For financial reasons, yes. But otherwise it is just a headache compared to maintaining separate spaces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's lots of bad advice in this thread, probably from old, divorced women who got married too young.

At 26, you're too young. And 3 years is just started to get close to the length of time past the honeymoon period of the relationship to even begin to see if you're compatible long-term.

Are there guys out there willing to get married sooner? Yes, they're called future ex-husbands. Or Mormons.

I'm happily married and now 40. Got married at 27. Not Mormon, or Evangelical, or Muslim, or any other religion that pushes teen marriage.

I think if your mid-30s boyfriend of 3.5 years is telling you he wants to wait more YEARS to get engaged, he doesn't think you're his future wife. He doesn't feel lucky to have you, he's not worried about losing you. Time to move on.

You're older. Younger people want to make sure a future spouse isn't going to go crazy before getting married. 3 months of partially living together isn't enough time for that.

They’ve been dating more than long enough. And my age is not relevant. These things haven’t changed since 2012.

They absolutely have, particularly in people trying to establish careers.

And no, obviously three years isn't enough. Just look at his last relationship failing after 5 years. They haven't been living together very long, either, which means they don't know how their dynamics will change yet.

And the op is 26 and still living off her parents. She's still maturing, which will certainly change things. Maybe for the better, maybe worse. But that's the problem- there's no way to know yet.

A relationship failing after 5 years only proves he’s a time-waster. He didn’t want to marry his ex either.

And of course no, things have not changed for young professionals since 2012 and you’re grasping at straws to suggest that’s relevant.

I can't tell if you think you're being helpful or are intentionally trying to sabotage the OP. But anyone still being supported by their parents is still a kid. And you don't marry kids.

Then she should break up with the creep dating a kid. I mean really, where does this logic lead? Ultimately you’re agreeing she’s spending her time on someone who isn’t taking her seriously, I guess in the hope he will view her differently later. Well that is a very long shot. He sees her the way he sees her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to."

So he wants to live with you? Move out and explain that you think it was a mistake to live together before marriage.

The advice here is shockingly bad. Refusing to live together before marriage is a huge red flag. What do you need to hide?

Men don't particularly want to live with together, but it's a way to do a trial run before marriage.

Uh what? Men love to shack up. And it’s not remotely an indication they are marriage-minded.

For financial reasons, yes. But otherwise it is just a headache compared to maintaining separate spaces.

That is a minority view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to."

So he wants to live with you? Move out and explain that you think it was a mistake to live together before marriage.

The advice here is shockingly bad. Refusing to live together before marriage is a huge red flag. What do you need to hide?

Men don't particularly want to live with together, but it's a way to do a trial run before marriage.

Uh what? Men love to shack up. And it’s not remotely an indication they are marriage-minded.

For financial reasons, yes. But otherwise it is just a headache compared to maintaining separate spaces.

That is a minority view.

It's really not. If money wasn't an issue, guys would absolutely prefer to keep separate living spaces. The only other reason they put up with it is to see it someone is OK to live with. Plenty of people can put up a fascade that doesn't come down until you've living together for a while and have been through some rough times.

[Anonymous]

Go read the weaponized incompetence thread and rethink your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to."

So he wants to live with you? Move out and explain that you think it was a mistake to live together before marriage.

The advice here is shockingly bad. Refusing to live together before marriage is a huge red flag. What do you need to hide?

Men don't particularly want to live with together, but it's a way to do a trial run before marriage.

Uh what? Men love to shack up. And it’s not remotely an indication they are marriage-minded.

For financial reasons, yes. But otherwise it is just a headache compared to maintaining separate spaces.

That is a minority view.

It's really not. If money wasn't an issue, guys would absolutely prefer to keep separate living spaces. The only other reason they put up with it is to see it someone is OK to live with. Plenty of people can put up a fascade that doesn't come down until you've living together for a while and have been through some rough times.

You’re describing your own perspective I assume but this is very rare. The vast majority of men are happy to shack up with no thought of marriage. Not for money, but for sex on tap, companionship, and help with chores. I can’t think of a single marriage-avoidant man in my whole social circle of successful wealthy professionals who didn’t happily shack up. It’s only a test drive for them of her patience.