Feeling left behind —— BF isn’t committing

[Anonymous]

I’m new here so please be kind.
I’m 26, and all my friends from high school and college are getting engaged and married. I’m currently overseas for a wedding of a close friend.

I can’t help but feel some jealousy, not maliciously, as my boyfriend of 3.5 years, who is 34, claims it's too early in our relationship and we should wait a few more years. However, I feel that 3.5 years is plenty of time, and I think he's avoiding any commitment despite saying that he does, leaving me worried about when he’ll want to get engaged.

My boyfriend earns a great salary, and we live together. He is genuinely the best partner I've ever had, and I believe he would be an excellent husband and father, and I thought I’d be married by now because I want at least 5 or 6 babies so I can’t wait much longer and am unsure what’s taking his so long.

I don’t want to leave and restart.
How much longer should I wait?

What should I do?

[Anonymous]

5 or 6 babies? Gurl, maybe your BF senses you are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Don’t live with someone you aren’t engaged to.

You are still very young, but old enough to know what you want. He is certainly old enough to know what he wants. If you’re not engaged after 3+ years, it’s not going to happen. I know it’s hard, but in your shoes I would move out and move on.

[Anonymous]

Five or six babies is a huge flag. Few men are going to be into that. You think you might want a larger family, but you’re going to reevaluate after each child.

I’m worried for you that if you give him an ultimatum, he’ll propose just to keep you, but string you asking for another few years. This is a case of you need to go to therapy or break up. Yes, it’s also an ultimatum, but it’s not pushing him to propose. It’s pushing him to communicate. You need him to communicate in order to move forward. I’d privately have a deadline as well. Maybe three months of therapy or whenever the lease renews.

He is wasting your fertility of he’s not going to propose within this year.


Another thing to consider: if he didn’t make a good salary, would you still be staying? I dated many wonderful guys, but I was fortunate that I waited to commit until I met a man I’d take a bullet for. My husband feels irreplaceable. I hope you feel that way about whoever you marry.

[Anonymous]

You’re 26 and want six babies? I wouldn’t want to marry you either. Who are you expecting to financially support that many mouths?

[Anonymous]

Do not live with someone. He has no incentive to propose. Honestly, I would break up.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn’t know after 3.5 years, he’s just not that into you and you should move on. I speak from experience. If you choose to waste any more time, that’s on you.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I am the youngest of five which is why I want my own big family. He makes a very high salary, one that’s definitely high enough to support five or six kids, so that isn’t really the issue. I also have a very supporting high earning family.

But, I recently moved in with him, a few months ago, I’m not even fully moved in, so I could still move back out.

I’m hesitant to leave because social relationships (friends or boyfriends) are honestly very mentally exhausting and hard to maintain for me (I feel really shy and drained) especially when new, but after 3.5 years, I feel so comfortable that it would be so hard to leave.

[Anonymous]

How many husbands do you know who are fully competent fathers of 2+ children? Or any children for that matter?

[Anonymous]

Just my opinion but very few men who have made it to their mid-30s unmarried without kids who are living a lifestyle as privileged as you describe (meaning, he sounds rich) are going to suddenly want to partner up and live a super kid-centric life. If he wanted that, he presumably could have been doing that the better part of the last decade, rich men being attractive to women and all.

If you know that you want a huge family, and you have family support to partner with someone who is not wealthy to support that goal, you should have a heart to heart with him, including your goals and timeline, and part ways if he is not on board. No answer in 6 months (for example) is not on board. If you wanted 1-2 kids, I'd say you have lots of time. 5-6, you are correct, you need to not waste more than 3.5 years dating without firm commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn’t know after 3.5 years, he’s just not that into you and you should move on. I speak from experience. If you choose to waste any more time, that’s on you.

+1

Especially in his 30s. This is a dead end. Leave.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's a rich guy who tries to date younger women, and not settle.

[Anonymous]

Ultimatum time! Give him 3 months and then leave. In their mid 30s, guys propose quick, so 3.5 years is more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Yep. It’s enough time. Tell him you’re leaving. Then go.

I was there at 29 (26 is still so young! Your brain only just stopped developing!). Start your life with someone who isn’t ambivalent about spending it with you. That could be yourself, your friends, or one of the millions of men out there. Do you really want to make a life with someone who doesn’t make you feel chosen every step of the way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn’t know after 3.5 years, he’s just not that into you and you should move on. I speak from experience. If you choose to waste any more time, that’s on you.

+1

Especially in his 30s. This is a dead end. Leave.

+2 I know it's hard, but you'll meet someone else. I stayed too long in a comfortable relationship without commitment, and regret it now. It did work out for me, but barely.