Feeling left behind —— BF isn’t committing

[Anonymous]

3.5 years is plenty of time to decide you want to propose (or accept a proposal.) When I heard you live together, I felt a bit sad. What incentive does he have? He likes things how they are. I don't really believe in ultimatums but I'd consider a little moving out if he doesn't do anything by a time you decide (and you don't need to tell him that time.)

PS Rent "He's just not that into you" soon - great movie with a good heart and message.
PPS You're fabulous no matter what happens.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't get into the sunk cost fallacy. By that, I mean, the more time you invest in this, the more you feel you have to stick it out. By moving in, you are allowing this to drag out. Fine by him - like they say, why buy the cow when the milk is free?

You are young enough to walk and find someone aligned with your goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m new here so please be kind.
I’m 26, and all my friends from high school and college are getting engaged and married. I’m currently overseas for a wedding of a close friend.

I can’t help but feel some jealousy, not maliciously, as my boyfriend of 3.5 years, who is 34, claims it's too early in our relationship and we should wait a few more years. However, I feel that 3.5 years is plenty of time, and I think he's avoiding any commitment despite saying that he does, leaving me worried about when he’ll want to get engaged.

SO YOU HAVE BEEN WITH HIM SINCE VERY YOUNG, 22 OR SO. I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU REALLY HAVE MUCH IN THE WAY OR SERIOUS OR NEAR SERIOUS PARTNERS TO COMPARE HIM TO.

HIS CLAIM OF TOO SOON MEANS HE DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY. HAS NO PASSION TO MARRY YOU. EVEN IF YOU GOT ENGAGED IT WOULD NOT NECESSARILY LEAD TO A PROMPT MARRIAGE, JUST A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT.

YOUR INSTINCTS ARE RIGHT.

My boyfriend earns a great salary, and we live together. He is genuinely the best partner I've ever had, and I believe he would be an excellent husband and father, and I thought I’d be married by now because I want at least 5 or 6 babies so I can’t wait much longer and am unsure what’s taking his so long.

HE JUST ISN'T THAT IN TO GETTING MARRIED. HE JUST ISN'T THAT IN TO COMMITTING TO MARRIAGE AND MANY CHILDREN WITH YOU. YOU SEE HIM AS A PROVIDER. HE DOESN'T SEE YOU AS A WIFE AND MOTHER OF HIS KIDS.

I don’t want to leave and restart.
YOU MUST LEAVE. BUT DON'T THINK OF IT AS RESTARTING. THINK OF IT AS STARTING BEING YOUR OWN PERSON.

How much longer should I wait?
0

What should I do?

DON'T MOVE IN. SAY YOU AREN'T ON THE SAME PAGE AND WANT TO BE ON YOUR OWN. THIS ASSUMES YOU HAVE A JOB? OR ARE YOU A LIVE IN GF WITH NO JOB OR JOB PROSPECTS?

I haven't read all the responses, but very kindly as I can please see my responses in CAPS ABOVE IN YOUR TEXT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many husbands do you know who are fully competent fathers of 2+ children? Or any children for that matter?

guy here- answer, every single one of my friends

Haha The real question is would their wives agree with you?

absolutely every single one of my female friends would not say their DH is a fully competent father. And they’re all also fully incompetent partners.

[Anonymous]

OP are you employed?

[Anonymous]

OP here again.

To answer a few questions:

- We’ve discussed children, and he has stated that he wants three children from the start, so we could definitely work on a compromise.

- Regarding his dating history, his last relationship lasted for five years (ages 23-28), until he broke with her, because she cheated and was being unfaithful. He took a break for a couple years, until we met and started dating. He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to.

- I work and have additional financial support from my parents, who also assist my siblings that have their own families and careers, so no I’m not financially dependent on him.

I’m planning on having a conservation and talking to him about this, because I want confirmation of his true feelings about marriage, without signaling that I’m thinking of leaving if he isn’t ready soon.

I’ll update on how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

To answer a few questions:

- We’ve discussed children, and he has stated that he wants three children from the start, so we could definitely work on a compromise.

- Regarding his dating history, his last relationship lasted for five years (ages 23-28), until he broke with her, because she cheated and was being unfaithful. He took a break for a couple years, until we met and started dating. He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to.

- I work and have additional financial support from my parents, who also assist my siblings that have their own families and careers, so no I’m not financially dependent on him.

I’m planning on having a conservation and talking to him about this, because I want confirmation of his true feelings about marriage, without signaling that I’m thinking of leaving if he isn’t ready soon.

I’ll update on how it goes.

Should have listened to mom & dad kiddo.

[Anonymous]

Didn't ask about his dating. What had you done relationship wise before you met him? He may be your best partner so far but what's the metric you use?

You work but your parents give you and siblings money too?

Are you and boyfriend from same background culturally ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

To answer a few questions:

- We’ve discussed children, and he has stated that he wants three children from the start, so we could definitely work on a compromise.

- Regarding his dating history, his last relationship lasted for five years (ages 23-28), until he broke with her, because she cheated and was being unfaithful. He took a break for a couple years, until we met and started dating. He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to.

- I work and have additional financial support from my parents, who also assist my siblings that have their own families and careers, so no I’m not financially dependent on him.

I’m planning on having a conservation and talking to him about this, because I want confirmation of his true feelings about marriage, without signaling that I’m thinking of leaving if he isn’t ready soon.

I’ll update on how it goes.

Should have listened to mom & dad kiddo.

This.

Why settle for this loser who doesn’t even want the same future as you do? Because he is rich? Your rich parents can probably network to find you another rich guy who is more suitable. Dump him, move out, and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

To answer a few questions:

- We’ve discussed children, and he has stated that he wants three children from the start, so we could definitely work on a compromise.

- Regarding his dating history, his last relationship lasted for five years (ages 23-28), until he broke with her, because she cheated and was being unfaithful. He took a break for a couple years, until we met and started dating. He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to.

- I work and have additional financial support from my parents, who also assist my siblings that have their own families and careers, so no I’m not financially dependent on him.

I’m planning on having a conservation and talking to him about this, because I want confirmation of his true feelings about marriage, without signaling that I’m thinking of leaving if he isn’t ready soon.

I’ll update on how it goes.

Should have listened to mom & dad kiddo.

This.

What you have is a time-waster. He’s doing a great job…wasting your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

To answer a few questions:

- We’ve discussed children, and he has stated that he wants three children from the start, so we could definitely work on a compromise.

- Regarding his dating history, his last relationship lasted for five years (ages 23-28), until he broke with her, because she cheated and was being unfaithful. He took a break for a couple years, until we met and started dating. He convinced me to move in with him. I didn’t really want too since we were dating and my parents didn’t want me to either yet, even though they like him and think I should stay, but I chose to.

- I work and have additional financial support from my parents, who also assist my siblings that have their own families and careers, so no I’m not financially dependent on him.

I’m planning on having a conservation and talking to him about this, because I want confirmation of his true feelings about marriage, without signaling that I’m thinking of leaving if he isn’t ready soon.

I’ll update on how it goes.

Should have listened to mom & dad kiddo.

This.

What you have is a time-waster. He’s doing a great job…wasting your time.

Yeah. I should’ve paid attention to the look in my mom’s eye when I told her, but she makes me crazy. I sure had to eat crow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m new here so please be kind.
I’m 26, and all my friends from high school and college are getting engaged and married. I’m currently overseas for a wedding of a close friend.

I can’t help but feel some jealousy, not maliciously, as my boyfriend of 3.5 years, who is 34, claims it's too early in our relationship and we should wait a few more years. However, I feel that 3.5 years is plenty of time, and I think he's avoiding any commitment despite saying that he does, leaving me worried about when he’ll want to get engaged.

My boyfriend earns a great salary, and we live together. He is genuinely the best partner I've ever had, and I believe he would be an excellent husband and father, and I thought I’d be married by now because I want at least 5 or 6 babies so I can’t wait much longer and am unsure what’s taking his so long.

I don’t want to leave and restart.
How much longer should I wait?

What should I do?

My best friend’s father kindly told her boyfriend of 3 years (and my friend is stunning mind you, smart, and excellent career/salary).. “to shi$ or get off the pot”
They were engaged soon after

[Anonymous]

1. It sounds like you come from a very privileged background and family, so you seem a little out of touch with reality. Financially supporting five adult kids isn’t something most parents do. But luckily, you seem close enough to your parents (and they seem nice enough) that you can talk to them about your issues, which shows that they are good parents. It’s nice that you have that support—not many young adults have all three (a good family, friends, a partner, and lots of help).

2. I don’t really like the age you guys started dating (not sure why more people aren’t mentioning it). Twenty-two is still a kid, but your ages now are fine, and if he isn’t abusive or a bad partner (and it doesn’t sound like he is), the gap seems okay.

3. It sounds like your boyfriend has trust issues after being with his last girlfriend for so long and that relationship ending badly. But he probably wants to commit soon, especially since he wanted you to move in with him. If he doesn’t propose within the next six months of you living together, leave.

One thing I keep seeing on this thread that I don’t like is other women assuming that because OP is 26/still has her looks and he’s a little older but doesn’t want to commit to her yet, she must not have anything to offer and is just a toy or object for his emotional and physical pleasure. I think that’s absolutely disgusting and not a way young women should be seen or referred to, especially by other (older) women. It’s gross. I have three of my own teen daughters, and that isn’t the way I want people to perceive them in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's lots of bad advice in this thread, probably from old, divorced women who got married too young.

At 26, you're too young. And 3 years is just started to get close to the length of time past the honeymoon period of the relationship to even begin to see if you're compatible long-term.

Are there guys out there willing to get married sooner? Yes, they're called future ex-husbands. Or Mormons.

I'm happily married and now 40. Got married at 27. Not Mormon, or Evangelical, or Muslim, or any other religion that pushes teen marriage.

I think if your mid-30s boyfriend of 3.5 years is telling you he wants to wait more YEARS to get engaged, he doesn't think you're his future wife. He doesn't feel lucky to have you, he's not worried about losing you. Time to move on.

You're older. Younger people want to make sure a future spouse isn't going to go crazy before getting married. 3 months of partially living together isn't enough time for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3.5 years is plenty of time to decide you want to propose (or accept a proposal.) When I heard you live together, I felt a bit sad. What incentive does he have? He likes things how they are. I don't really believe in ultimatums but I'd consider a little moving out if he doesn't do anything by a time you decide (and you don't need to tell him that time.)

PS Rent "He's just not that into you" soon - great movie with a good heart and message.
PPS You're fabulous no matter what happens.

What incentive does he have? You act like men want to live with a girlfriend. They really don't, except to the extent it would save money (which doesn't seem to be an issue here).