13 year old DD got in trouble at school - Consequences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom instincts are telling me she was doing something inappropriate on the phone and that’s why she didn’t want to hand it over. She was afraid of being caught. The insubordination would cross a line for me. Don’t fight the suspensions, take away phone, look through it and see what she was hiding. Good luck OP, we are all struggling with screen addiction with our kids.

This was my very first thought

+1. I would all over that phone checking it for things she doesn’t want adults to see. I would also take it away. If she can’t listen to an adult in charge of her for most of her waking hours, she can’t have a phone. I completely understand forgetting and having it out in class. Not turning it over when asked and I would tell her the phone is mine because I pay for it and I can’t believe she didn’t hand my phone over to the principal. I’m would be angry she thought she could do that especially when I foot the bill.

[Anonymous]

She knew she couldn’t use the phone. She did it anyway. She was rude and defiant to a lenient consequence and got a stricter one as a result. Quit making excuses for her. She’s acting bratty at school and is being treated accordingly.

[Anonymous]

OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

You yourself said the consequence was for not handing it over, not for having it out. That’s you rewriting the narrative to make yourself feel better about stepping in. How did you present this change to your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

Ah I see. She has an IEP so now you want to use that to excuse her behavior. We see this all the time at schools. You guys are the worst. Your daughter will never learn and things will just get worse. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

You said yourself she wasn’t suspended for one time phone use but for defiance when caught and refusing to accept consequences when caught and being rude when caught. Have read enough posts on DCUM that your going in and complaining and blaming it all on adhd and IEP could set you up for rough rest of MS and HS since now she knows she can defy rules and you all will run to school and try to excuse her. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

OP: She is not ready for a phone. DS is 13 and in 8th grade and doesn't have a phone. He has not asked for one, we check with him every so often to see if this is causing social issues for him. About a 1/3 of his friends don't have phones. They are doing just fine. Turning 13 or going to MS does not have to equate to getting ap hone. It should be child dependent. Can your child handle using the phone responsibly? Can your child follow the rules?

The ADHD kids I know with phones cannot turn them off. We know lots of kids with phones, they went with the kids to Scout camp this summer. 95% of the kids were talking to peers and hanging out, using phones sparingly. 5% disappeared into their tent to use their phone or were using their phones at mealtime. It was not a surprise that the phone users were kids with ADHD. Phones are going to be a struggle for a developing brain and even more of a struggle for a developing brain with ADHD.

I don't understand why so many parents have this "They are in MS so they get a phone" mentality. I get that the kids want them, but the logic strikes me as flawed. You know your kid and you now have proof that she can't handle the phone. Take it away. Get her a cheap flip phone if you really think she needs something for calling you in an emergency.

[Anonymous]

I have a 13yo DD with adhd too and you are allowing her diagnosis to let her get away with things.
She gambled on using her phone in class and lost the gamble. She then escalated the situation by not owning the behavior.
Take the phone away for Sept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

That isn't what the ISS was for though. I'm surprised the principal was in agreement with you on this. The ISS was for insubordination, NOT using the phone in class. The only punishment for using the phone in class was (supposed to be) handing it over for the rest of the day. Our FCPS MS and HS both have that rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

That isn't what the ISS was for though. I'm surprised the principal was in agreement with you on this. The ISS was for insubordination, NOT using the phone in class. The only punishment for using the phone in class was (supposed to be) handing it over for the rest of the day. Our FCPS MS and HS both have that rule.

Not surprised if DH went in with the how dare you and immediately raised ADHD and IEP like a playing card instead of accepting that kid needs consequences at school and at home. What kid got was green light that parents will excuse her for anything she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

3 weeks is NOT long enough. Your child showed you who she is so believe her. She’s not mature enough to handle having screens. You’re blaming her ADHD whilst giving her items that blatantly make it worse. This is YOUR FAULT! Now grow a pair and parent the child you have, the one that can’t handle screens.

[Anonymous]

You are so full of excuses, I see why your child is becoming an evil little brat.

[Anonymous]

Why does she have an IEP and not a 504?

Either way. She loses the phone for at least a month. And when month is up doesnt take it to school anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

That isn't what the ISS was for though. I'm surprised the principal was in agreement with you on this. The ISS was for insubordination, NOT using the phone in class. The only punishment for using the phone in class was (supposed to be) handing it over for the rest of the day. Our FCPS MS and HS both have that rule.

The principal doesn't want a complaint filed that a kid with an IEP was suspended when the reason for suspension could be potentially tied to their disability. The daughter is likely to get away with more in school because the parents complained and now there will be additional meetings with the IEP team to review the incident and there is the possibility of a behavior plan needing to be created and followed. Mom and Dad successfully deterred future behavior corrections by making more work for the staff. Yeah them.

The suspension wasn't for the phone; it was for refusing to turn the phone over to the VP. I doubt that the VP jumped from a first refusal to a suspension and that there was more that happened there. If that is the case, then I would agree that suspension was a bit much and give a detention or two. If the kid continued to refuse and their behavior was bad enough that the VP refused to allow the kid to return to class, then I can see a suspension. The rules for suspending a kid with an IEP are different because there are procedures to do so.

But yeah, this kid is going to get away with what she wants because her parents don't want to see that they need to minimize distractions to decrease the likelihood of poor behavior. She is going to get the phone back and this is going to repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so full of excuses, I see why your child is becoming an evil little brat.

But she'll be left out!! She won't be able to read the group chat and post on Insta! Don't you want your daughter to be a cool girl?
That's so much more important than a decent human being. I bet this girl gets manis twice a month too.
One mom I know needed a dress ASAP for her daughters band concert and asked her mom to drive her to (expensive boutique) at much hassle. I suggested she just grab the generic dress elsewhere and she said "I wish I could! But I know my daughter and she's not a Kohls girl. She'd have a fit."