13 year old DD got in trouble at school - Consequences?

[Anonymous]

My almost 14-year-old does not have a phone.
Kids should not have phones in school. Period.

My dad (superintendent) took a phone away for the entire school year starting in September around year 2000.

She should have given the phone to the school principal. She should be suspended and you should take away for phone for a long time.

This is distracting to learning in class. And she should not be insubordinate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She forgot she couldn’t use the phone.

C’mon OP.

You’re not doing her any favors white washing this stuff. Too old for it.

Seriously -- my DCs said that every single teacher opened with a reminder about not being allowed to have phones. She's playing you, in addition to being disrespectful to the assistant principal. She might have said she was sorry and she probably was, but that doesn't change the fact that she has to be disciplined. You absolutely shouldn't contest the ISS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contest the suspension as that is harsh, detention ok. She loses the phone for two weeks and get her a cellular watch to contact you.

Refusal to hand over her phone to a school administrator until the end of the day indicates a serious addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD(13) got in trouble at school yesterday for being on her phone in class. The teacher saw her using it but didn’t approach her about it and instead gave her an office referral which new policy for 1st time phone use and she was called down to the office. In the office, admin told her she could go back to class after she gave the phone to the assistant principal and it would have to be in the office until the end of the day. But, DD refused to give it up so she got a one day in school suspension for insubordination for not giving her phone to the assistant principal and she wasn’t allowed to return back to class. DD told me that she forgot she couldn’t use her phone in class which I believe is true because she does have ADHD (combined as opposed to my older DD’s inattentive) but I’m not okay with her being defiant and following directions when asked to give her phone up.


When she got home, I talked to her about it and asked her why she didn’t give her phone up and she shrugged and said she didn’t want to give it to him but she did tell me that she was sorry. She isn’t disrespectful at home and is an easier kid at home than our other two older teens. She doesn’t have any behavioral issues besides at typical teen attitude here and there. But, she had gotten in trouble at school a few times for reasons such as not listening and being rude that have resulted in referrals and lunch detentions but this is her first in school suspension. One time in 6th grade, she got an in school suspension for playing around in the bathroom and throwing water on another student using a stall but they later found out that it was another child, so they rescinded the suspension. It turned out to be a wrong place, wrong time type of situation.


She won’t be taking her phone to school anymore and I think the in school suspension and taking her phone away for a few days are good consequences for what she did but DH thinks the suspension is too severe and wants to contest it today, which we most likely won’t do but instead wants to give her consequences at home like taking away all screens including her phone for a longer period and give her another consequence like more chores or no sleepovers but I’m not sure about that. She’s overall a good kid, so I don’t want us to overreact with a bigger punishment but we also want an appropriate consequence.

If she truly forgot, then she was in the right the entire time. She accepted her ISS and that's that. No extra punishment needed, as that would be bad parenting.

It's good she learns that property is not to be given just because someone in "authority" says so.

She could still take phone to school, and perhaps she's learned to not use it in class now.

[Anonymous]

You stink as a parent.

You are making excuses for her crappy behavior.

Absolutely no more phone. Who gives a kid a phone who behaves like this?

If your older teens are worse than this you are not a good parent. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Can’t be bothered to read 6 pages, so this may have been mentioned already. Is it possible she refused to hand it in because she was doing something seriously inappropriate and didn’t want the phone searched. I would be worried about that.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a spoiled brat.

[Anonymous]

I’m a HS teacher and think it was a massive overreaction from the school and that you are spiraling a bit too. Some of these posters are over the top too. Don’t create a power struggle over the phone. She doesn’t get to take it to school anymore. Leave it at that. Nothing else. Maybe try again in a few months if she matures. They change quickly at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD(13) got in trouble at school yesterday for being on her phone in class. The teacher saw her using it but didn’t approach her about it and instead gave her an office referral which new policy for 1st time phone use and she was called down to the office. In the office, admin told her she could go back to class after she gave the phone to the assistant principal and it would have to be in the office until the end of the day. But, DD refused to give it up so she got a one day in school suspension for insubordination for not giving her phone to the assistant principal and she wasn’t allowed to return back to class. DD told me that she forgot she couldn’t use her phone in class which I believe is true because she does have ADHD (combined as opposed to my older DD’s inattentive) but I’m not okay with her being defiant and following directions when asked to give her phone up.


When she got home, I talked to her about it and asked her why she didn’t give her phone up and she shrugged and said she didn’t want to give it to him but she did tell me that she was sorry. She isn’t disrespectful at home and is an easier kid at home than our other two older teens. She doesn’t have any behavioral issues besides at typical teen attitude here and there. But, she had gotten in trouble at school a few times for reasons such as not listening and being rude that have resulted in referrals and lunch detentions but this is her first in school suspension. One time in 6th grade, she got an in school suspension for playing around in the bathroom and throwing water on another student using a stall but they later found out that it was another child, so they rescinded the suspension. It turned out to be a wrong place, wrong time type of situation.


She won’t be taking her phone to school anymore and I think the in school suspension and taking her phone away for a few days are good consequences for what she did but DH thinks the suspension is too severe and wants to contest it today, which we most likely won’t do but instead wants to give her consequences at home like taking away all screens including her phone for a longer period and give her another consequence like more chores or no sleepovers but I’m not sure about that. She’s overall a good kid, so I don’t want us to overreact with a bigger punishment but we also want an appropriate consequence.

Your husband is the problem here. She MESSED UP at school, the punishment absolutely has to fit the crime. Teachers hate parents like you

[Anonymous]

ADHD isn't a get out of jail free card for every bad choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think not allowing phone at school at all anymore, the suspension, and taking away screens at home for the duration of her suspension are enough.

But I would be monitoring her closely. She seems ripe to find trouble.

+1 Taking away sleepovers from a kid who is already addicted to her device seems like an illogical consequence for the action being punished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My almost 14-year-old does not have a phone.
Kids should not have phones in school. Period.

My dad (superintendent) took a phone away for the entire school year starting in September around year 2000.

She should have given the phone to the school principal. She should be suspended and you should take away for phone for a long time.

This is distracting to learning in class. And she should not be insubordinate.

Yes they should. Sometimes parents need to contact kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a HS teacher and think it was a massive overreaction from the school and that you are spiraling a bit too. Some of these posters are over the top too. Don’t create a power struggle over the phone. She doesn’t get to take it to school anymore. Leave it at that. Nothing else. Maybe try again in a few months if she matures. They change quickly at this age.

I don’t think it was an overreaction from the school. They wanted her to hand over the phone until the end of the day and she would get it back. It became a problem when she could not just hand over the phone. If that’s not addressed she will be a major problem in high school. She’ll be one of the unstable kids who act like you just took her right hand instead of a phone.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is nuts. And your kid has a HELL of a nerve. You’ve got a lot on your hands, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom instincts are telling me she was doing something inappropriate on the phone and that’s why she didn’t want to hand it over. She was afraid of being caught. The insubordination would cross a line for me. Don’t fight the suspensions, take away phone, look through it and see what she was hiding. Good luck OP, we are all struggling with screen addiction with our kids.

This was my very first thought