13 year old DD got in trouble at school - Consequences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD(13) got in trouble at school yesterday for being on her phone in class. The teacher saw her using it but didn’t approach her about it and instead gave her an office referral which new policy for 1st time phone use and she was called down to the office. In the office, admin told her she could go back to class after she gave the phone to the assistant principal and it would have to be in the office until the end of the day. But, DD refused to give it up so she got a one day in school suspension for insubordination for not giving her phone to the assistant principal and she wasn’t allowed to return back to class. DD told me that she forgot she couldn’t use her phone in class which I believe is true because she does have ADHD (combined as opposed to my older DD’s inattentive) but I’m not okay with her being defiant and following directions when asked to give her phone up.


When she got home, I talked to her about it and asked her why she didn’t give her phone up and she shrugged and said she didn’t want to give it to him but she did tell me that she was sorry. She isn’t disrespectful at home and is an easier kid at home than our other two older teens. She doesn’t have any behavioral issues besides at typical teen attitude here and there. But, she had gotten in trouble at school a few times for reasons such as not listening and being rude that have resulted in referrals and lunch detentions but this is her first in school suspension. One time in 6th grade, she got an in school suspension for playing around in the bathroom and throwing water on another student using a stall but they later found out that it was another child, so they rescinded the suspension. It turned out to be a wrong place, wrong time type of situation.


She won’t be taking her phone to school anymore and I think the in school suspension and taking her phone away for a few days are good consequences for what she did but DH thinks the suspension is too severe and wants to contest it today, which we most likely won’t do but instead wants to give her consequences at home like taking away all screens including her phone for a longer period and give her another consequence like more chores or no sleepovers but I’m not sure about that. She’s overall a good kid, so I don’t want us to overreact with a bigger punishment but we also want an appropriate consequence.

I wouldn't punish her at home since she was punished at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a HS teacher and think it was a massive overreaction from the school and that you are spiraling a bit too. Some of these posters are over the top too. Don’t create a power struggle over the phone. She doesn’t get to take it to school anymore. Leave it at that. Nothing else. Maybe try again in a few months if she matures. They change quickly at this age.

I don’t think it was an overreaction from the school. They wanted her to hand over the phone until the end of the day and she would get it back. It became a problem when she could not just hand over the phone. If that’s not addressed she will be a major problem in high school. She’ll be one of the unstable kids who act like you just took her right hand instead of a phone.

I see this thread was bumped and want to respond. No, she won’t. HS is so much more relaxed than middle school. Kids mature. Teachers are not as militant. It’s not the same at all. No teacher is snatching phones like that in a HS except the one or two crazy ones. We all know who they are.

I really feel bad for this kid. I’m sorry, OP. All of this is going to do is make her hate school.

As a teacher, I hate the power struggle cell phones have becoming now. They should have left it us to us to manage with our own class behavior roles but that’s a different thread.

Massachusetts passed a bill recently that all public schools in all towns cannot have their phones during school hours. Another reason that Massachusetts schools are always on top. They are usually first to improve the quality of schools. Removing distractions from learning takes precedence.

Virginia passed this bill last year, that is why this year there is a cellphone ban from bell to bell.

Good for them. If teens have a phone in their possession they can’t help looking at it.

[Anonymous]

Thank god the schools are jumping in because clearly OP - you and your husband are pushovers. Many kids have ADHD. It is NOT an excuse to break a rule and then refuse to giver their phone up and then shrug at you. Wow

You sure she doesn't have ODD too?

Not only would I make her keep the suspension, I would make her write apology letters to the principal and her teacher. No more phone in school for the year and I would take it away at home for 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

How is she 13 in 7th?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - She turned 13 early this month and was starting junior high (7th grade) so we decided to get her a phone. She only has an hour and a half of phone time per day and isn’t allowed to have it in her bedroom at night. We also monitor her apps, texts, etc. Locking her phone down at school instead of not allowing her to take it to school is something we will be doing now.

She behaves normally at home most times she just has issues with impulsivity that mainly affect her at school that we are currently working on. The policy of giving ISS for first time phone use isn’t clear which is why DH really wanted to contest it. We went to the school yesterday and had a talk to the main principal about it who was very understanding and thought the suspension was too severe and DD does have an IEP so they want to review everything and have another meeting to determine if she will have to serve the suspension. She won’t have any screens (Phone or iPad) for at least 3 weeks and DH still wants to give her another consequence.

How is she 13 in 7th?

Oh, OP is 100% the type of person who redshirted her ADHD girl. 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a HS teacher and think it was a massive overreaction from the school and that you are spiraling a bit too. Some of these posters are over the top too. Don’t create a power struggle over the phone. She doesn’t get to take it to school anymore. Leave it at that. Nothing else. Maybe try again in a few months if she matures. They change quickly at this age.

I don’t think it was an overreaction from the school. They wanted her to hand over the phone until the end of the day and she would get it back. It became a problem when she could not just hand over the phone. If that’s not addressed she will be a major problem in high school. She’ll be one of the unstable kids who act like you just took her right hand instead of a phone.

I see this thread was bumped and want to respond. No, she won’t. HS is so much more relaxed than middle school. Kids mature. Teachers are not as militant. It’s not the same at all. No teacher is snatching phones like that in a HS except the one or two crazy ones. We all know who they are.

I really feel bad for this kid. I’m sorry, OP. All of this is going to do is make her hate school.

As a teacher, I hate the power struggle cell phones have becoming now. They should have left it us to us to manage with our own class behavior roles but that’s a different thread.

You can’t be a teacher. We had the power struggle BEFORE the phone ban when we needed those things put up and had no mechanism to enforce it. Now it’s not even an issue. Put it in the pouch, period. It has streamlined everything and made every aspect of my classroom better. There’s no more arguments about why is it out, do your work, etc. I managed it just fine all of last year and now this year is going smoothly as well. You must have terrible classroom management.

Yes, I am a HS teacher but teacher the older students. Primarily 11th graders and seniors. Not middle schoolers. No, I never allowed cell phones. No, it was not a problem and we didn’t need draconian rules taking phones like we have now that create the power struggles. I don’t want to derail the thread but I did want to say that I am a real teacher of older students.

[Anonymous]

Your DD has established a *pattern* of breaking rules and rudeness. Do NOT blame this on ADHD. I know several girls with ADHD and not one has been in trouble the way that your DD has been. Unless your daughter is truly stupid, she would not have "forgotten" that phones are not allowed. Did she not observe that no other kid had their phone out during class?
DH is enabling DD's boorish behavior. Take the phone away, accept the punishment, and explain that she is setting herself up for worse in HS if she can't figure out how to play by these very reasonable rules about phone use.

[Anonymous]

Your fault and the school’s fault for letting a child have a phone during school. It’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a HS teacher and think it was a massive overreaction from the school and that you are spiraling a bit too. Some of these posters are over the top too. Don’t create a power struggle over the phone. She doesn’t get to take it to school anymore. Leave it at that. Nothing else. Maybe try again in a few months if she matures. They change quickly at this age.

I don’t think it was an overreaction from the school. They wanted her to hand over the phone until the end of the day and she would get it back. It became a problem when she could not just hand over the phone. If that’s not addressed she will be a major problem in high school. She’ll be one of the unstable kids who act like you just took her right hand instead of a phone.

I see this thread was bumped and want to respond. No, she won’t. HS is so much more relaxed than middle school. Kids mature. Teachers are not as militant. It’s not the same at all. No teacher is snatching phones like that in a HS except the one or two crazy ones. We all know who they are.

I really feel bad for this kid. I’m sorry, OP. All of this is going to do is make her hate school.

As a teacher, I hate the power struggle cell phones have becoming now. They should have left it us to us to manage with our own class behavior roles but that’s a different thread.

You can’t be a teacher. We had the power struggle BEFORE the phone ban when we needed those things put up and had no mechanism to enforce it. Now it’s not even an issue. Put it in the pouch, period. It has streamlined everything and made every aspect of my classroom better. There’s no more arguments about why is it out, do your work, etc. I managed it just fine all of last year and now this year is going smoothly as well. You must have terrible classroom management.

Yes, I am a HS teacher but teacher the older students. Primarily 11th graders and seniors. Not middle schoolers. No, I never allowed cell phones. No, it was not a problem and we didn’t need draconian rules taking phones like we have now that create the power struggles. I don’t want to derail the thread but I did want to say that I am a real teacher of older students.

Leave the phones in the locker until the end of the school day. No power struggle at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your fault and the school’s fault for letting a child have a phone during school. It’s ridiculous.

Um, the school has a no phone policy, that's why OP's kid got in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your fault and the school’s fault for letting a child have a phone during school. It’s ridiculous.

Um, the school has a no phone policy, that's why OP's kid got in trouble.

That was a response to teacher claiming they don’t need rules. They do.