13 year old DD got in trouble at school - Consequences?

[Anonymous]

DD(13) got in trouble at school yesterday for being on her phone in class. The teacher saw her using it but didn’t approach her about it and instead gave her an office referral which new policy for 1st time phone use and she was called down to the office. In the office, admin told her she could go back to class after she gave the phone to the assistant principal and it would have to be in the office until the end of the day. But, DD refused to give it up so she got a one day in school suspension for insubordination for not giving her phone to the assistant principal and she wasn’t allowed to return back to class. DD told me that she forgot she couldn’t use her phone in class which I believe is true because she does have ADHD (combined as opposed to my older DD’s inattentive) but I’m not okay with her being defiant and following directions when asked to give her phone up.


When she got home, I talked to her about it and asked her why she didn’t give her phone up and she shrugged and said she didn’t want to give it to him but she did tell me that she was sorry. She isn’t disrespectful at home and is an easier kid at home than our other two older teens. She doesn’t have any behavioral issues besides at typical teen attitude here and there. But, she had gotten in trouble at school a few times for reasons such as not listening and being rude that have resulted in referrals and lunch detentions but this is her first in school suspension. One time in 6th grade, she got an in school suspension for playing around in the bathroom and throwing water on another student using a stall but they later found out that it was another child, so they rescinded the suspension. It turned out to be a wrong place, wrong time type of situation.


She won’t be taking her phone to school anymore and I think the in school suspension and taking her phone away for a few days are good consequences for what she did but DH thinks the suspension is too severe and wants to contest it today, which we most likely won’t do but instead wants to give her consequences at home like taking away all screens including her phone for a longer period and give her another consequence like more chores or no sleepovers but I’m not sure about that. She’s overall a good kid, so I don’t want us to overreact with a bigger punishment but we also want an appropriate consequence.

[Anonymous]

Of course she needs to lose her phone. If you can’t use it responsibly you aren’t mature enough to have it. She should be made to write an apology to the person she refused to give her phone to in the office.

[Anonymous]

I think not allowing phone at school at all anymore, the suspension, and taking away screens at home for the duration of her suspension are enough.

But I would be monitoring her closely. She seems ripe to find trouble.

[Anonymous]

Are you in LCPS?
“Wow, ISS for that? I know she shouldn’t have been on her phone, but detention would’ve made more sense. It’s so early in the school year—kids are still adjusting. Do you know if this was her first referral?”

[Anonymous]

OP, your kid was WAY out of line and it's the beginning of the year, so the school is trying to send a message. Accept the punishment and also work to make sure your kid has the accommodations and supports she needs to be successful (yes, like no phone at school).

[Anonymous]

The shrug would make me see red.

I certainly wouldn't fight the in school suspension.

[Anonymous]

At age 13, even with adhd she did not forget about not being able to use phones, I assure you she’s playing you. It’s different than forgetting your instrument.

I would lock down her phone during school hours, she shouldn’t be allowed to do anything on it during school hours with the exception of texting you in case of emergency. That can be all year long, not a punishment but “so you can keep your mind on your school work.”

[Anonymous]

Your kid sounds like a trouble maker. Throwing water? Breaking phone usage? Blatant disregard for authority? You have a big problem. I'd start by taking the phone, but the problem is deeper than the phone. I don't know you or your kid, so I can't recommend what will work best, typically I follow consequences related to offense - on this case no phone. In the case of throwing water in a school restroom- cleaning duty of some sort - I'd choose home because it benefits me, but school would be better.

[Anonymous]

I would want to see the policy that allows ISS for the first instance of insubordination and what the cell phone policy says about the refusal. If those policies are unclear, I agree with your husband on fighting it. It seems like a double whammy for essentially one issue to me.

[Anonymous]

Fighting the suspension is such a bad idea.

It will put a target on her back the rest of the year and you’ll lose any grace for you or her with the administration. Believe it.

Terrible message to your daughter.

What she did is obnoxious. Beyond. And doesn’t sound like the first time. Deal with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid sounds like a trouble maker. Throwing water? Breaking phone usage? Blatant disregard for authority? You have a big problem. I'd start by taking the phone, but the problem is deeper than the phone. I don't know you or your kid, so I can't recommend what will work best, typically I follow consequences related to offense - on this case no phone. In the case of throwing water in a school restroom- cleaning duty of some sort - I'd choose home because it benefits me, but school would be better.

.

She said she has ADHD. When my DD was in 8th grade she was assigned ISS for throwing water in science class doing a lab, she was grounded for with no phone or ipad, but sometimes there is nothing we can do about it.

[Anonymous]

She forgot she couldn’t use the phone.

C’mon OP.

You’re not doing her any favors white washing this stuff. Too old for it.

[Anonymous]

Her phone needs to be a brick during school hours. Permanently. She obviously doesn't have the maturity to make good decisions about when it can be used. You failed as a parent by not doing this when you gave her the phone.

For the next month, you need to lock it down so it can only be used to call you or your DH. Nothing else. Uninstall every app. Block every other number. Turn off Internet. It's only to call you or her dad for rides.

If she has access to other texting devices, those get turned off too. No iPads. No YouYube. No other screens.

She needs to apologize to her teacher and the AP for being rude. She needs to do service to the school for her poor behavior. Maybe picking up trash? Scraping gum off lunch tables?

[Anonymous]

A phone is a privilege, not a right. She needs to understand that to her bones. She seems to think she is owed and deserves her phone. No way.

She could have given her phone to the AP and avoided the in school suspension. So for now, in our house, the phone would be gone. I'd maybe find a way for her to keep in touch with her friends, like letting her use it at home a certain amount per day, but we'd go back to 4th-5th grade rules around electronics. No cellular, no taking any device to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: A phone is a privilege, not a right. She needs to understand that to her bones. She seems to think she is owed and deserves her phone. No way.

She could have given her phone to the AP and avoided the in school suspension. So for now, in our house, the phone would be gone. I'd maybe find a way for her to keep in touch with her friends, like letting her use it at home a certain amount per day, but we'd go back to 4th-5th grade rules around electronics. No cellular, no taking any device to school.

Absolutely not. She has a screen addiction. No screens, even for a small amount of time per day during the punishment period, then strict limits. She has ADHD and is several years less mature than her age. She has shown OP that she's addicted and not mature enough to use technology appropriately.