Returned Home with Some Disturbing Stories

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a whole bunch of sanctimonious people on this thread — and none of us have 100% certainty of what our kids get up to. I don’t think my kid is a bully, she doesn’t have social media and I pretty much read all her texts to keep an eye on things. But I don’t actually know for sure what she gets up to at school.

Kids can be mean. Tweens and teens are figuring things out and sometimes they get it very wrong. It is a pretty good sign that your daughter has proactively disclosed this and feels remorseful. You definitely need to have some consequences. But, you also need to talk to her and help her work through ways in which she could handle this differently next time. Being an up-stander is harder than you think. Plenty of people on this thread probably have their own struggles with being an up-stander as an adult.


I now have a kid with profound intellectual disability. While I don’t think I ever bullied someone directly using the “r” word in the 80s, I am sure I used it casually to refer to situations and maybe people. I’m not proud of myself and wish I had done better. But I didn’t know better then. I certainly work hard now not to be a jerk as an adult. I didnt grow up to be a horrible person.

Have you had regular conversations about bullying with your kid ? You wouldn’t have to guess if you two talked about it. Kids have to hear it out loud that hurting another person with cruelty won’t be tolerated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your daughter to befriend a quiet girl at school and invite her out to do something.

This will help empower her a bit.

My quiet daughter doesn’t need your condescension, PP. She’s perfectly happy the way she is.

Agree on this....the quiet ones seem to know themselves the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a whole bunch of sanctimonious people on this thread — and none of us have 100% certainty of what our kids get up to. I don’t think my kid is a bully, she doesn’t have social media and I pretty much read all her texts to keep an eye on things. But I don’t actually know for sure what she gets up to at school.

Kids can be mean. Tweens and teens are figuring things out and sometimes they get it very wrong. It is a pretty good sign that your daughter has proactively disclosed this and feels remorseful. You definitely need to have some consequences. But, you also need to talk to her and help her work through ways in which she could handle this differently next time. Being an up-stander is harder than you think. Plenty of people on this thread probably have their own struggles with being an up-stander as an adult.


I now have a kid with profound intellectual disability. While I don’t think I ever bullied someone directly using the “r” word in the 80s, I am sure I used it casually to refer to situations and maybe people. I’m not proud of myself and wish I had done better. But I didn’t know better then. I certainly work hard now not to be a jerk as an adult. I didnt grow up to be a horrible person.

Have you had regular conversations about bullying with your kid ? You wouldn’t have to guess if you two talked about it. Kids have to hear it out loud that hurting another person with cruelty won’t be tolerated.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your DC been raised in a church? What have you done as a parent to instill morals?

Churches don’t have the best reputations for instilling morals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First and obvious consequence is that your daughter shouldn’t be allowed any sleep away camps or sleepovers in the next few years. She’s immature, cruel and needs a ton more supervision than she’d get in those situations. You should thank God that the girl didn’t commit suicide. Kids have over less.

Exactly. Even if OP has unintentionally raised a callous and cruel child and cannot change the child's fundamental demeanor, OP needs to look at this from a liability standpoint. OP's nice UMC lifestyle is going to be ruined if the child causes her to get sued. Contain this child at all costs until 18.

And I'm not saying OP is a bad parent for having raised a bully, some kids turn out bad no matter how well they are raised. It's merely bad luck in getting a bad combination of genes. OP may even be a very kind and considerate person herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our youngest just returned home from sleepaway camp. Something was off immediately. She’s been there for years, it’s a very reputable all-girls camp and we have only heard positive. However this year, she came home and was in tears over whether or not we were called by the director, and if I heard “what happened,” and worried about whether she and her friends will be allowed to come back. We did not hear a peep from camp staff.

The most I can make sense of is that a girl left early due to some pretty serious bullying, and my daughter definitely seems less than innocent in it all and now quite remorseful. She claims she was mostly a bystander, but the few things she’s shared are horrible (a long time friends of hers telling the girl that she should go kill herself, telling her she shouldn’t eat because she is fat just to mess with her because she wasn’t fat at all, and the list goes on). What can I do to get her talking to someone and make sure she can take the steps necessary to learn from this and hopefully repair with who she hurt? Is there a therapist that specializes in this? Should the camp have told us if a girl was bullied so bad she had to go home especially if my kid was bullying? I’m wondering if we even bother sending her back. I’m honestly so ashamed and embarrassed.

I’m sorry you are having to navigate this, OP. I’m wishing you and DD peace and as good an outcome as possible for all here.

To every other parent out there: the part in bold? It is commonplace on your children’s social media. What the OP described? It should not shock you; it’s what kids do to each other now, because they have access to social.

It is far easier to say to another child “you should kill yourself,” when it is not face to face. Use Snapchat, and you are unlikely to get caught. Yes, I fully realize in OP’s case it likely was said to her face-to-face. But,

- kids are learning this through social media use. It is not like it was when you were a teen / tween.

I’m pretty sure we all know that. What is your point?

OP circling back. Actually no, I did not know that. I had no idea that it is common for kids to tell each other to kill themselves. I am obviously embarking on a huge overhaul of social media and cell phone usage. I think my husband and I are recognizing we have been incredibly naive and too hands off in the connections our child is making. She is definitely not going back. And I am heartbroken for this girl who got targeted, who from what I am now finding out, was from what it sounds like a perfectly kind and sweet new kid to camp at an age where most kids are not new to camp. My daughter said that it was so bad the camp tried moving the girl to a different bunk a week in, but that the girl left the next day anyways. This camp NEVER changes bunks so I am guessing without even hearing back yet from director that it was bad. Currently making my daughter come up with an apology letter, and waiting to decide how forthcoming to be with the camp.

I'm a busy body. I would call everyone I could at the camp to get as much information as possible. If what your daughter said was true, my first call would be to the parents of the victim. My second call would be to the parents of the primary bully to let them know what a psycho their daughter is. I'm really fed up with adults who are afraid of the bully kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would offer the family of the bullied girl to pay for group counseling so your own daughter can get it off her chest and the bullied girl can get the apologies. Offer to pay for whatever the therapist decides the victim needs before and after the apology therapy session.

This is a ridiculous suggestion. How do you know the other child even lives in the same area?

And don’t dump this on “therapy.” OP and her DH have a responsibility as parents to handle their daughter.

Geography is not a limiting factor to what I’m suggesting.
Both girls need support. The victim and the one wracked with guilt. I don’t think parental “handling”, by which I’m guessing you mean punishment, is any more useful to the remorseful than being sent home was to the victim. Now the other bullies who went home carefree without regrets or remorse probably do need some handling.

The one “wracked with guilt,” aka OPs daughter, needs a swift kick to the backside, among other things. She does not need “therapy.” She needs her parents to deal with her so that this never happens again.

Both. Therapy is absolutely called for here. The long term consequences of living with guilt and shame are not to be underestimated.

.

Oh really? Guess what. Guilt and shame are the consequences for shitty behavior. It’s called having a conscious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Piling shame on OP is disgusting.

Kid's make mistakes. Sounds like the camp made mistakes too. Get the full story, then talk to your child. Seperate from the other mean girls, at least temporarily. Allow your daughter to grow and learn.

+1.

Lots of girls gang up on other girls and tell them to kill themselves. It’s just a normal part of childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your DC been raised in a church? What have you done as a parent to instill morals?

F you. Church doesn't instill morals in anyone. What a dumb post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piling shame on OP is disgusting.

Kid's make mistakes. Sounds like the camp made mistakes too. Get the full story, then talk to your child. Seperate from the other mean girls, at least temporarily. Allow your daughter to grow and learn.

+1.

Lots of girls gang up on other girls and tell them to kill themselves. It’s just a normal part of childhood.

You're a terrible parent and the root of these problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our youngest just returned home from sleepaway camp. Something was off immediately. She’s been there for years, it’s a very reputable all-girls camp and we have only heard positive. However this year, she came home and was in tears over whether or not we were called by the director, and if I heard “what happened,” and worried about whether she and her friends will be allowed to come back. We did not hear a peep from camp staff.

The most I can make sense of is that a girl left early due to some pretty serious bullying, and my daughter definitely seems less than innocent in it all and now quite remorseful. She claims she was mostly a bystander, but the few things she’s shared are horrible (a long time friends of hers telling the girl that she should go kill herself, telling her she shouldn’t eat because she is fat just to mess with her because she wasn’t fat at all, and the list goes on). What can I do to get her talking to someone and make sure she can take the steps necessary to learn from this and hopefully repair with who she hurt? Is there a therapist that specializes in this? Should the camp have told us if a girl was bullied so bad she had to go home especially if my kid was bullying? I’m wondering if we even bother sending her back. I’m honestly so ashamed and embarrassed.

I’m sorry you are having to navigate this, OP. I’m wishing you and DD peace and as good an outcome as possible for all here.

To every other parent out there: the part in bold? It is commonplace on your children’s social media. What the OP described? It should not shock you; it’s what kids do to each other now, because they have access to social.

It is far easier to say to another child “you should kill yourself,” when it is not face to face. Use Snapchat, and you are unlikely to get caught. Yes, I fully realize in OP’s case it likely was said to her face-to-face. But,

- kids are learning this through social media use. It is not like it was when you were a teen / tween.

I’m pretty sure we all know that. What is your point?

OP circling back. Actually no, I did not know that. I had no idea that it is common for kids to tell each other to kill themselves. I am obviously embarking on a huge overhaul of social media and cell phone usage. I think my husband and I are recognizing we have been incredibly naive and too hands off in the connections our child is making. She is definitely not going back. And I am heartbroken for this girl who got targeted, who from what I am now finding out, was from what it sounds like a perfectly kind and sweet new kid to camp at an age where most kids are not new to camp. My daughter said that it was so bad the camp tried moving the girl to a different bunk a week in, but that the girl left the next day anyways. This camp NEVER changes bunks so I am guessing without even hearing back yet from director that it was bad. Currently making my daughter come up with an apology letter, and waiting to decide how forthcoming to be with the camp.

I'm a busy body. I would call everyone I could at the camp to get as much information as possible. If what your daughter said was true, my first call would be to the parents of the victim. My second call would be to the parents of the primary bully to let them know what a psycho their daughter is. I'm really fed up with adults who are afraid of the bully kids.

OP may not have access to their contact info. I know I don’t have the parents’ numbers of the girls at my DD’s sleepaway camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your daughter to befriend a quiet girl at school and invite her out to do something.

This will help empower her a bit.

Oh hell no. My quiet kid doesn’t need your kid to feel better about herself by “befriending” her. She’s good. And she is quiet to your kid because she stays out of your kids drama and that group.

Your daughter is scared they might have called you- not just that she did wrong if she even is.

Leave other kids out of her rehab plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our youngest just returned home from sleepaway camp. Something was off immediately. She’s been there for years, it’s a very reputable all-girls camp and we have only heard positive. However this year, she came home and was in tears over whether or not we were called by the director, and if I heard “what happened,” and worried about whether she and her friends will be allowed to come back. We did not hear a peep from camp staff.

The most I can make sense of is that a girl left early due to some pretty serious bullying, and my daughter definitely seems less than innocent in it all and now quite remorseful. She claims she was mostly a bystander, but the few things she’s shared are horrible (a long time friends of hers telling the girl that she should go kill herself, telling her she shouldn’t eat because she is fat just to mess with her because she wasn’t fat at all, and the list goes on). What can I do to get her talking to someone and make sure she can take the steps necessary to learn from this and hopefully repair with who she hurt? Is there a therapist that specializes in this? Should the camp have told us if a girl was bullied so bad she had to go home especially if my kid was bullying? I’m wondering if we even bother sending her back. I’m honestly so ashamed and embarrassed.

I’m sorry you are having to navigate this, OP. I’m wishing you and DD peace and as good an outcome as possible for all here.

To every other parent out there: the part in bold? It is commonplace on your children’s social media. What the OP described? It should not shock you; it’s what kids do to each other now, because they have access to social.

It is far easier to say to another child “you should kill yourself,” when it is not face to face. Use Snapchat, and you are unlikely to get caught. Yes, I fully realize in OP’s case it likely was said to her face-to-face. But,

- kids are learning this through social media use. It is not like it was when you were a teen / tween.

I’m pretty sure we all know that. What is your point?

OP circling back. Actually no, I did not know that. I had no idea that it is common for kids to tell each other to kill themselves. I am obviously embarking on a huge overhaul of social media and cell phone usage. I think my husband and I are recognizing we have been incredibly naive and too hands off in the connections our child is making. She is definitely not going back. And I am heartbroken for this girl who got targeted, who from what I am now finding out, was from what it sounds like a perfectly kind and sweet new kid to camp at an age where most kids are not new to camp. My daughter said that it was so bad the camp tried moving the girl to a different bunk a week in, but that the girl left the next day anyways. This camp NEVER changes bunks so I am guessing without even hearing back yet from director that it was bad. Currently making my daughter come up with an apology letter, and waiting to decide how forthcoming to be with the camp.

It’s not common at all for a girl to tell another girl to go kill herself. It happens but it’s not common. It’s usually much milder than that. That’s a vicious girl your daughter is friends with.

It sounds like your daughter came back worried about herself and felt nothing for the girl who was bullied.

Hopefully you can work on empathy with her. A lot of parents don’t think to talk about bullying to their teens and that’s a problem. It has to start early on and repetitive. It’s not too late.

My daughter starting in elementary school was a clothes horse. I always reminded her that most kids don’t care what they wear and it’s not a big deal. If someone wears the same Jeans everyday that’s their choice. In high school it was noted by a few teachers who said that she stood up to kids who were making fun of another kid. Boy or girl it didn’t matter she would tell them to stop and they did.

There’s hope for your daughter, just talk about it frequently. Why did she think her friend was such a mean person? What were you thinking when,the new girl was obviously upset. What did you get out of bullying?

It is EXTREMELY common for kids to tell other kids to kill themselves through social media (especially SnapChat).

So common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piling shame on OP is disgusting.

Kid's make mistakes. Sounds like the camp made mistakes too. Get the full story, then talk to your child. Seperate from the other mean girls, at least temporarily. Allow your daughter to grow and learn.

+1.

Lots of girls gang up on other girls and tell them to kill themselves. It’s just a normal part of childhood.

There is nothing normal about girls telling one to kill themselves. Don’t lie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our youngest just returned home from sleepaway camp. Something was off immediately. She’s been there for years, it’s a very reputable all-girls camp and we have only heard positive. However this year, she came home and was in tears over whether or not we were called by the director, and if I heard “what happened,” and worried about whether she and her friends will be allowed to come back. We did not hear a peep from camp staff.

The most I can make sense of is that a girl left early due to some pretty serious bullying, and my daughter definitely seems less than innocent in it all and now quite remorseful. She claims she was mostly a bystander, but the few things she’s shared are horrible (a long time friends of hers telling the girl that she should go kill herself, telling her she shouldn’t eat because she is fat just to mess with her because she wasn’t fat at all, and the list goes on). What can I do to get her talking to someone and make sure she can take the steps necessary to learn from this and hopefully repair with who she hurt? Is there a therapist that specializes in this? Should the camp have told us if a girl was bullied so bad she had to go home especially if my kid was bullying? I’m wondering if we even bother sending her back. I’m honestly so ashamed and embarrassed.

I’m sorry you are having to navigate this, OP. I’m wishing you and DD peace and as good an outcome as possible for all here.

To every other parent out there: the part in bold? It is commonplace on your children’s social media. What the OP described? It should not shock you; it’s what kids do to each other now, because they have access to social.

It is far easier to say to another child “you should kill yourself,” when it is not face to face. Use Snapchat, and you are unlikely to get caught. Yes, I fully realize in OP’s case it likely was said to her face-to-face. But,

- kids are learning this through social media use. It is not like it was when you were a teen / tween.

I’m pretty sure we all know that. What is your point?

OP circling back. Actually no, I did not know that. I had no idea that it is common for kids to tell each other to kill themselves. I am obviously embarking on a huge overhaul of social media and cell phone usage. I think my husband and I are recognizing we have been incredibly naive and too hands off in the connections our child is making. She is definitely not going back. And I am heartbroken for this girl who got targeted, who from what I am now finding out, was from what it sounds like a perfectly kind and sweet new kid to camp at an age where most kids are not new to camp. My daughter said that it was so bad the camp tried moving the girl to a different bunk a week in, but that the girl left the next day anyways. This camp NEVER changes bunks so I am guessing without even hearing back yet from director that it was bad. Currently making my daughter come up with an apology letter, and waiting to decide how forthcoming to be with the camp.

I'm a busy body. I would call everyone I could at the camp to get as much information as possible. If what your daughter said was true, my first call would be to the parents of the victim. My second call would be to the parents of the primary bully to let them know what a psycho their daughter is. I'm really fed up with adults who are afraid of the bully kids.

Oh my goodness, no.

Do not contact the victim or her parents. OP’s DD and her friends have done enough damage.