Returned Home with Some Disturbing Stories

[Anonymous]

I would not want my daughter to be friends with the main bully. I would distance from that friendship so these kids cant do it again to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

Maybe it would be good for the bully to apologize. But in this situation, the bully is not as important as the victim. The victim’s feelings and mental well-being have top priority. You don’t impose an apology - esp if it might be insincere - on the victim. That is victimizing them again. It’s selfish.

The bully needs to find another way to feel better about themselves.

This is way too intellectual. In our society people apologize for wrongdoing. That's what we do. It takes years of practice, which is why we force children to do it. Hopefully by the time they're adults they do it with sincerity. In they meantime, they do it because they have to. The flip side of the coin is learning to accept an apology. Without those two things, there is no hope for society.

DP - When my child’s bully wrote out the apology it basically said “I’m sorry but you made me do it.” The counselor approved it. It did not make my child feed better at all. So, who benefits from these apologies? I told that counselor to never come near my child again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

Maybe it would be good for the bully to apologize. But in this situation, the bully is not as important as the victim. The victim’s feelings and mental well-being have top priority. You don’t impose an apology - esp if it might be insincere - on the victim. That is victimizing them again. It’s selfish.

The bully needs to find another way to feel better about themselves.

This is way too intellectual. In our society people apologize for wrongdoing. That's what we do. It takes years of practice, which is why we force children to do it. Hopefully by the time they're adults they do it with sincerity. In the meantime, they do it because they have to. The flip side of the coin is learning to accept an apology. Without those two things, there is no hope for society.

Actually, your argument is overly intellectual. You argue about the good of society. Well, this is about one child, who was bullied so badly she had to leave camp. This is about her feelings, not some greater good argument.

BTW, why is always the victim who has to leave?

The victim wants to live in society, too. Bullying is painful because it ostracizes and isolates. You're actually claiming that allowing that is healthier than an actual interaction with the perpetrator which is on different ground and could be healing. Isolate at all costs!! Not a healthy approach.

Why do you think human beings invented the apology?

Could be healing? What if it isn’t? Why would you take away the victim’s power by making them interact with the bully? Especially children who already feel they have to do what they are told by adults, whether they want to or not.

Punish the bully. Don’t re-victimize the victim.

If you must place the bully and society at large above the victim, have the bully write a letter and then give the victim choice whether to read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

Maybe it would be good for the bully to apologize. But in this situation, the bully is not as important as the victim. The victim’s feelings and mental well-being have top priority. You don’t impose an apology - esp if it might be insincere - on the victim. That is victimizing them again. It’s selfish.

The bully needs to find another way to feel better about themselves.

This is way too intellectual. In our society people apologize for wrongdoing. That's what we do. It takes years of practice, which is why we force children to do it. Hopefully by the time they're adults they do it with sincerity. In they meantime, they do it because they have to. The flip side of the coin is learning to accept an apology. Without those two things, there is no hope for society.

DP - When my child’s bully wrote out the apology it basically said “I’m sorry but you made me do it.” The counselor approved it. It did not make my child feed better at all. So, who benefits from these apologies? I told that counselor to never come near my child again.

LOL obviously that's not an apology.

[Anonymous]

My child was told she had to sit with the counselor and the bully while the bully tearfully apologized and promised never to do it again. My child accepted the apology because they thought they had to.

Guess what happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

Maybe it would be good for the bully to apologize. But in this situation, the bully is not as important as the victim. The victim’s feelings and mental well-being have top priority. You don’t impose an apology - esp if it might be insincere - on the victim. That is victimizing them again. It’s selfish.

The bully needs to find another way to feel better about themselves.

This is way too intellectual. In our society people apologize for wrongdoing. That's what we do. It takes years of practice, which is why we force children to do it. Hopefully by the time they're adults they do it with sincerity. In the meantime, they do it because they have to. The flip side of the coin is learning to accept an apology. Without those two things, there is no hope for society.

Actually, your argument is overly intellectual. You argue about the good of society. Well, this is about one child, who was bullied so badly she had to leave camp. This is about her feelings, not some greater good argument.

BTW, why is always the victim who has to leave?

The victim wants to live in society, too. Bullying is painful because it ostracizes and isolates. You're actually claiming that allowing that is healthier than an actual interaction with the perpetrator which is on different ground and could be healing. Isolate at all costs!! Not a healthy approach.

Why do you think human beings invented the apology?

Could be healing? What if it isn’t? Why would you take away the victim’s power by making them interact with the bully? Especially children who already feel they have to do what they are told by adults, whether they want to or not.

Punish the bully. Don’t re-victimize the victim.

If you must place the bully and society at large above the victim, have the bully write a letter and then give the victim choice whether to read it.

This is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child was told she had to sit with the counselor and the bully while the bully tearfully apologized and promised never to do it again. My child accepted the apology because they thought they had to.

Guess what happened?

These counselors should be out of jobs. So many are terrible and do more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

The irony here is stunning. You definitely care more about a performance apology than sincerity, since you started this comment with "I'm sorry, but..." which is the top of the insincere apology list. Why do you not think that the performance of the apology is more important than the sincerity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

The irony here is stunning. You definitely care more about a performance apology than sincerity, since you started this comment with "I'm sorry, but..." which is the top of the insincere apology list. Why do you not think that the performance of the apology is more important than the sincerity?

I meant why DO you think the performance is more important than the sincerity, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

The irony here is stunning. You definitely care more about a performance apology than sincerity, since you started this comment with "I'm sorry, but..." which is the top of the insincere apology list. Why do you not think that the performance of the apology is more important than the sincerity?

Agreed, no one wants a pity apology for show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would offer the family of the bullied girl to pay for group counseling so your own daughter can get it off her chest and the bullied girl can get the apologies. Offer to pay for whatever the therapist decides the victim needs before and after the apology therapy session.

This is a ridiculous suggestion. How do you know the other child even lives in the same area?

And don’t dump this on “therapy.” OP and her DH have a responsibility as parents to handle their daughter.

Geography is not a limiting factor to what I’m suggesting.
Both girls need support. The victim and the one wracked with guilt. I don’t think parental “handling”, by which I’m guessing you mean punishment, is any more useful to the remorseful than being sent home was to the victim. Now the other bullies who went home carefree without regrets or remorse probably do need some handling.

The one “wracked with guilt,” aka OPs daughter, needs a swift kick to the backside, among other things. She does not need “therapy.” She needs her parents to deal with her so that this never happens again.

Both. Therapy is absolutely called for here. The long term consequences of living with guilt and shame are not to be underestimated.

.

Oh really? Guess what. Guilt and shame are the consequences for shitty behavior. It’s called having a conscious.

Yes, and it can be harmful. So, therapy helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child was told she had to sit with the counselor and the bully while the bully tearfully apologized and promised never to do it again. My child accepted the apology because they thought they had to.

Guess what happened?

More bullying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was told she had to sit with the counselor and the bully while the bully tearfully apologized and promised never to do it again. My child accepted the apology because they thought they had to.

Guess what happened?

These counselors should be out of jobs. So many are terrible and do more harm than good.

With no state oversight, some counselors at private schools are barely qualified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child was told she had to sit with the counselor and the bully while the bully tearfully apologized and promised never to do it again. My child accepted the apology because they thought they had to.

Guess what happened?

What if society made an abuser sit in a room and hear from their abuser?

[Anonymous]

My kid's bully was kicked out of the camp without an opportunity to return. That's the only correct way to deal with this, I think. My kid's time at camp was ruined, and no apologies would make it better.