Returned Home with Some Disturbing Stories

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your DC been raised in a church? What have you done as a parent to instill morals?

Lol. Some of the biggest bullies are church goers.

Maybe that's what PP meant. Raised in church= became a bully))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid's bully was kicked out of the camp without an opportunity to return. That's the only correct way to deal with this, I think. My kid's time at camp was ruined, and no apologies would make it better.

I am so sorry your kids experience was ruined. It is so hard to see and watch your kid try and recover and look to another positive experience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child was told she had to sit with the counselor and the bully while the bully tearfully apologized and promised never to do it again. My child accepted the apology because they thought they had to.

Guess what happened?

“Restorative justice” - is the name for what the teachers or counselors did to your child.

Restorative justice essentially victimizes your child a second time by forcing her together with her bully. Restorative justice is a cruel farce because it does not work.

DCPS, as well as Montgomery County and Fairfax county schools, do this to children. It is awful!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was told she had to sit with the counselor and the bully while the bully tearfully apologized and promised never to do it again. My child accepted the apology because they thought they had to.

Guess what happened?

“Restorative justice” - is the name for what the teachers or counselors did to your child.

Restorative justice essentially victimizes your child a second time by forcing her together with her bully. Restorative justice is a cruel farce because it does not work.

DCPS, as well as Montgomery County and Fairfax county schools, do this to children. It is awful!!

This. Amazing how few people see the craziness. Should we make a victim sit with their abuser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our youngest just returned home from sleepaway camp. Something was off immediately. She’s been there for years, it’s a very reputable all-girls camp and we have only heard positive. However this year, she came home and was in tears over whether or not we were called by the director, and if I heard “what happened,” and worried about whether she and her friends will be allowed to come back. We did not hear a peep from camp staff.

The most I can make sense of is that a girl left early due to some pretty serious bullying, and my daughter definitely seems less than innocent in it all and now quite remorseful. She claims she was mostly a bystander, but the few things she’s shared are horrible (a long time friends of hers telling the girl that she should go kill herself, telling her she shouldn’t eat because she is fat just to mess with her because she wasn’t fat at all, and the list goes on). What can I do to get her talking to someone and make sure she can take the steps necessary to learn from this and hopefully repair with who she hurt? Is there a therapist that specializes in this? Should the camp have told us if a girl was bullied so bad she had to go home especially if my kid was bullying? I’m wondering if we even bother sending her back. I’m honestly so ashamed and embarrassed.

I’m sorry you are having to navigate this, OP. I’m wishing you and DD peace and as good an outcome as possible for all here.

To every other parent out there: the part in bold? It is commonplace on your children’s social media. What the OP described? It should not shock you; it’s what kids do to each other now, because they have access to social.

It is far easier to say to another child “you should kill yourself,” when it is not face to face. Use Snapchat, and you are unlikely to get caught. Yes, I fully realize in OP’s case it likely was said to her face-to-face. But,

- kids are learning this through social media use. It is not like it was when you were a teen / tween.

I’m pretty sure we all know that. What is your point?

OP circling back. Actually no, I did not know that. I had no idea that it is common for kids to tell each other to kill themselves. I am obviously embarking on a huge overhaul of social media and cell phone usage. I think my husband and I are recognizing we have been incredibly naive and too hands off in the connections our child is making. She is definitely not going back. And I am heartbroken for this girl who got targeted, who from what I am now finding out, was from what it sounds like a perfectly kind and sweet new kid to camp at an age where most kids are not new to camp. My daughter said that it was so bad the camp tried moving the girl to a different bunk a week in, but that the girl left the next day anyways. This camp NEVER changes bunks so I am guessing without even hearing back yet from director that it was bad. Currently making my daughter come up with an apology letter, and waiting to decide how forthcoming to be with the camp.

It’s not common at all for a girl to tell another girl to go kill herself. It happens but it’s not common. It’s usually much milder than that. That’s a vicious girl your daughter is friends with.

It sounds like your daughter came back worried about herself and felt nothing for the girl who was bullied.

Hopefully you can work on empathy with her. A lot of parents don’t think to talk about bullying to their teens and that’s a problem. It has to start early on and repetitive. It’s not too late.

My daughter starting in elementary school was a clothes horse. I always reminded her that most kids don’t care what they wear and it’s not a big deal. If someone wears the same Jeans everyday that’s their choice. In high school it was noted by a few teachers who said that she stood up to kids who were making fun of another kid. Boy or girl it didn’t matter she would tell them to stop and they did.

There’s hope for your daughter, just talk about it frequently. Why did she think her friend was such a mean person? What were you thinking when,the new girl was obviously upset. What did you get out of bullying?

It is EXTREMELY common for kids to tell other kids to kill themselves through social media (especially SnapChat).

So common.

Correct. The term is "KYS".

This is so disturbing it’s worth an S/O

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our youngest just returned home from sleepaway camp. Something was off immediately. She’s been there for years, it’s a very reputable all-girls camp and we have only heard positive. However this year, she came home and was in tears over whether or not we were called by the director, and if I heard “what happened,” and worried about whether she and her friends will be allowed to come back. We did not hear a peep from camp staff.

The most I can make sense of is that a girl left early due to some pretty serious bullying, and my daughter definitely seems less than innocent in it all and now quite remorseful. She claims she was mostly a bystander, but the few things she’s shared are horrible (a long time friends of hers telling the girl that she should go kill herself, telling her she shouldn’t eat because she is fat just to mess with her because she wasn’t fat at all, and the list goes on). What can I do to get her talking to someone and make sure she can take the steps necessary to learn from this and hopefully repair with who she hurt? Is there a therapist that specializes in this? Should the camp have told us if a girl was bullied so bad she had to go home especially if my kid was bullying? I’m wondering if we even bother sending her back. I’m honestly so ashamed and embarrassed.

I’m sorry you are having to navigate this, OP. I’m wishing you and DD peace and as good an outcome as possible for all here.

To every other parent out there: the part in bold? It is commonplace on your children’s social media. What the OP described? It should not shock you; it’s what kids do to each other now, because they have access to social.

It is far easier to say to another child “you should kill yourself,” when it is not face to face. Use Snapchat, and you are unlikely to get caught. Yes, I fully realize in OP’s case it likely was said to her face-to-face. But,

- kids are learning this through social media use. It is not like it was when you were a teen / tween.

I’m pretty sure we all know that. What is your point?

OP circling back. Actually no, I did not know that. I had no idea that it is common for kids to tell each other to kill themselves. I am obviously embarking on a huge overhaul of social media and cell phone usage. I think my husband and I are recognizing we have been incredibly naive and too hands off in the connections our child is making. She is definitely not going back. And I am heartbroken for this girl who got targeted, who from what I am now finding out, was from what it sounds like a perfectly kind and sweet new kid to camp at an age where most kids are not new to camp. My daughter said that it was so bad the camp tried moving the girl to a different bunk a week in, but that the girl left the next day anyways. This camp NEVER changes bunks so I am guessing without even hearing back yet from director that it was bad. Currently making my daughter come up with an apology letter, and waiting to decide how forthcoming to be with the camp.

It’s not common at all for a girl to tell another girl to go kill herself. It happens but it’s not common. It’s usually much milder than that. That’s a vicious girl your daughter is friends with.

It sounds like your daughter came back worried about herself and felt nothing for the girl who was bullied.

Hopefully you can work on empathy with her. A lot of parents don’t think to talk about bullying to their teens and that’s a problem. It has to start early on and repetitive. It’s not too late.

My daughter starting in elementary school was a clothes horse. I always reminded her that most kids don’t care what they wear and it’s not a big deal. If someone wears the same Jeans everyday that’s their choice. In high school it was noted by a few teachers who said that she stood up to kids who were making fun of another kid. Boy or girl it didn’t matter she would tell them to stop and they did.

There’s hope for your daughter, just talk about it frequently. Why did she think her friend was such a mean person? What were you thinking when,the new girl was obviously upset. What did you get out of bullying?

It is EXTREMELY common for kids to tell other kids to kill themselves through social media (especially SnapChat).

So common.

Correct. The term is "KYS".

This is so disturbing it’s worth an S/O

If we saw this, we would immediately report it to authorities. In fact, training I took and documents I signed for volunteer work, I believe requires me to. If it does not require me to, it is against the spirit of the training. Might be consistent with the “letter of” the training but not the spirit.

[Anonymous]

It’s kind of wild wading through all these unkind responses to OP on a thread about bullying.

I have no idea what OP should do, but I think she’s trying to work through it. I don’t think any of this means she’s a bad parent. Peers are often far more influential than parents at this age, and the child was away at camp, where OP had no oversight. Further, her child had no parent to turn to. I think a truly crappy parent would shrug it off and blame the main bully, absolving the child of any responsibility.

But, for me, I would want to understand my kid’s motivation here: peer pressure, meanness, etc. It would help me figure out the best way forward. If it’s really that the child has no empathy, I would engage a professional to help sort it out. I’m not equipped to deal with that. If she just stood uncomfortably by, that is a little different. It can be hard to know what to do in those situations. Kids can be really dumb and we take for granted that they know what to do.

[Anonymous]

If your kid doesn’t have empathy by this age it’s too late. Their brains are already wired. They can learn to fake it but that’s about it. So if you have raised a monster with no empathy no amount of therapy can change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

The irony here is stunning. You definitely care more about a performance apology than sincerity, since you started this comment with "I'm sorry, but..." which is the top of the insincere apology list. Why do you not think that the performance of the apology is more important than the sincerity?

Much of what we do is performative. That's why we teach the rules to children. If it's fine for the victim to not want to hear or accept an apology, is it also fine for the bully to say, hell now I'm not apologizing. Not if the bully were my kid. They would be apologizing. If the victim were my kid, they woujld be learning to hear and accept an apology. That's their job as a member of society, which is built on the judeo-christian tradition of repentance forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kid doesn’t have empathy by this age it’s too late. Their brains are already wired. They can learn to fake it but that’s about it. So if you have raised a monster with no empathy no amount of therapy can change it.

This is SO WRONG. Teens are the meanest of the mean!!! We all know most teens grow into totally normal adults despite their teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kid doesn’t have empathy by this age it’s too late. Their brains are already wired. They can learn to fake it but that’s about it. So if you have raised a monster with no empathy no amount of therapy can change it.

The irony in posts like this is incredible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s kind of wild wading through all these unkind responses to OP on a thread about bullying.

I have no idea what OP should do, but I think she’s trying to work through it. I don’t think any of this means she’s a bad parent. Peers are often far more influential than parents at this age, and the child was away at camp, where OP had no oversight. Further, her child had no parent to turn to. I think a truly crappy parent would shrug it off and blame the main bully, absolving the child of any responsibility.

But, for me, I would want to understand my kid’s motivation here: peer pressure, meanness, etc. It would help me figure out the best way forward. If it’s really that the child has no empathy, I would engage a professional to help sort it out. I’m not equipped to deal with that. If she just stood uncomfortably by, that is a little different. It can be hard to know what to do in those situations. Kids can be really dumb and we take for granted that they know what to do.

BS ops kid was already a pos.

She knew exactly what she did.

OP is trying to rationalize the fact she raised a bulky.

If it’s peer pressure then her kid should not have gone to camp again op failed by sending a non confident kid who was not ready to be on their own .

Kids are not perfect but this incident wasn’t a little bullying it was so bad a kid went home. That says again OO raised a terrible human

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

The irony here is stunning. You definitely care more about a performance apology than sincerity, since you started this comment with "I'm sorry, but..." which is the top of the insincere apology list. Why do you not think that the performance of the apology is more important than the sincerity?

Much of what we do is performative. That's why we teach the rules to children. If it's fine for the victim to not want to hear or accept an apology, is it also fine for the bully to say, hell now I'm not apologizing. Not if the bully were my kid. They would be apologizing. If the victim were my kid, they woujld be learning to hear and accept an apology. That's their job as a member of society, which is built on the judeo-christian tradition of repentance forgiveness.

The problem is the situation is “resolved” in the eyes of the administrators. The fake apology issued, the victim goaded into “hearing and accepting,” and the bully picks right back up where they left off. How about some real consequences? Suspensions and expulsions are appropriate and rarely handed out because heaven forbid the bully and their family face real consequences.

[Anonymous]

Unpopular (and unprogressive) opinion, but what schools refer to as “restorative justice” is a scam when the conduct is serious and prolonged. Sure, it works when a couple of 4th grade boys get in a tussle during recess. But for anything more serious it leaves everyone worse off. I hope this trend dies out. Not saying everyone should be expelled or suspended, but sometimes people do something bad and there needs to be a consequence that is 100% consummate with their bad actions. Kids would learn more from that than from some manufactured apology meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular (and unprogressive) opinion, but what schools refer to as “restorative justice” is a scam when the conduct is serious and prolonged. Sure, it works when a couple of 4th grade boys get in a tussle during recess. But for anything more serious it leaves everyone worse off. I hope this trend dies out. Not saying everyone should be expelled or suspended, but sometimes people do something bad and there needs to be a consequence that is 100% consummate with their bad actions. Kids would learn more from that than from some manufactured apology meeting.

Not unpopular among those that have lived it. Total bs to make admin feel good.