Returned Home with Some Disturbing Stories

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are very brave to post here. The fact that you are bothered by the behavior and aren’t denying your daughter’s role tells me that you’re a good parent. So many people would just sweep it under the rug. I’d reach out to the camp director to find out how your daughter can make amends. I’d also keep in mind that your daughter may be remorseful or she may simply be worried about the consequences. I think a few therapy sessions could be helpful. The fact you care to take action suggests you’ll find a way to make this a teachable experience. But I probably wouldn’t send her back next year.

I agree - you are brave to post.

Nothing brave about raising a bully then sending it away to an unsupervised camp to terrorize other children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our youngest just returned home from sleepaway camp. Something was off immediately. She’s been there for years, it’s a very reputable all-girls camp and we have only heard positive. However this year, she came home and was in tears over whether or not we were called by the director, and if I heard “what happened,” and worried about whether she and her friends will be allowed to come back. We did not hear a peep from camp staff.

The most I can make sense of is that a girl left early due to some pretty serious bullying, and my daughter definitely seems less than innocent in it all and now quite remorseful. She claims she was mostly a bystander, but the few things she’s shared are horrible (a long time friends of hers telling the girl that she should go kill herself, telling her she shouldn’t eat because she is fat just to mess with her because she wasn’t fat at all, and the list goes on). What can I do to get her talking to someone and make sure she can take the steps necessary to learn from this and hopefully repair with who she hurt? Is there a therapist that specializes in this? Should the camp have told us if a girl was bullied so bad she had to go home especially if my kid was bullying? I’m wondering if we even bother sending her back. I’m honestly so ashamed and embarrassed.

OP, this tells you everything you need to know. Your daughter was in tears because she was worried that you would be mad because you found out about her behavior and that the camp wouldn’t let her back because of her behavior. None of this sounds like she’s remorseful about what actually happened.

Given that she has admitted to being at least complicit in the bullying, I would bring some consequences to this picture immediately. No phone, social media, really no access to any electronic devices without direct supervision except when she’s in school. I would extend this to an old-fashioned grounding so she doesn’t get to hang out with her friends or go anywhere or do anything fun for a fairly extended period of time.

There are probably anti-bullying organizations out there that can give you better guidance on how to get through to her about the seriousness of what she did and how she needs to make better choices with not only how she acts, but also the friends she makes.

[Anonymous]

I would never let her go back to that camp - what a failure on their part to monitor or attempt to rectify the situation. That they never even contacted you! That poor girl. They are not a safe place for girls, your daughter included.

I agree your daughter seems afraid of the consequences rather than sorry for hurting the girl. Perhaps that is normal at 14? I wouldn't punish her for her lack of empathy and remorse. I would talk to her a lot more and be way more present in her life. Your time left to guide her is short -less than 2 years.

[Anonymous]

I would never let her go back to that camp - what a failure on their part to monitor or attempt to rectify the situation. That they never even contacted you! That poor girl. They are not a safe place for girls, your daughter included.

I agree your daughter seems afraid of the consequences rather than sorry for hurting the girl. Perhaps that is normal at 14? I wouldn't punish her for her lack of empathy and remorse. I would talk to her a lot more and be way more present in her life. Your time left to guide her is short -less than 2 years.

[Anonymous]

I suspect you will have to proceed without much additional information from the camp director. The place sounds uncommunicative and liability-minded and the odds are high that you will get limited information, if any. So you may need to prepare for taking next steps without the ironclad confirmation many PPs seem to think that you will get via adult-to-adult communication.

My guess is that if they were going to be forthcoming, they would have done so sometime short of your daughter bullying another child to the point where the other child had to leave camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would offer the family of the bullied girl to pay for group counseling so your own daughter can get it off her chest and the bullied girl can get the apologies. Offer to pay for whatever the therapist decides the victim needs before and after the apology therapy session.

This is a ridiculous suggestion. How do you know the other child even lives in the same area?

And don’t dump this on “therapy.” OP and her DH have a responsibility as parents to handle their daughter.

Geography is not a limiting factor to what I’m suggesting.
Both girls need support. The victim and the one wracked with guilt. I don’t think parental “handling”, by which I’m guessing you mean punishment, is any more useful to the remorseful than being sent home was to the victim. Now the other bullies who went home carefree without regrets or remorse probably do need some handling.

The one “wracked with guilt,” aka OPs daughter, needs a swift kick to the backside, among other things. She does not need “therapy.” She needs her parents to deal with her so that this never happens again.

Both. Therapy is absolutely called for here. The long term consequences of living with guilt and shame are not to be underestimated.

[Anonymous]

The camp isn’t going to tell OP anything. They will say it’s a privacy issue. Any of you who think otherwise are absolutely ignorant.

OP’s daughter admitted to being a part of some really terrible things and she only showed remorse because she was worried about herself. OP should assume what her daughter is admitting to is the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

First and obvious consequence is that your daughter shouldn’t be allowed any sleep away camps or sleepovers in the next few years. She’s immature, cruel and needs a ton more supervision than she’d get in those situations. You should thank God that the girl didn’t commit suicide. Kids have over less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our youngest just returned home from sleepaway camp. Something was off immediately. She’s been there for years, it’s a very reputable all-girls camp and we have only heard positive. However this year, she came home and was in tears over whether or not we were called by the director, and if I heard “what happened,” and worried about whether she and her friends will be allowed to come back. We did not hear a peep from camp staff.

The most I can make sense of is that a girl left early due to some pretty serious bullying, and my daughter definitely seems less than innocent in it all and now quite remorseful. She claims she was mostly a bystander, but the few things she’s shared are horrible (a long time friends of hers telling the girl that she should go kill herself, telling her she shouldn’t eat because she is fat just to mess with her because she wasn’t fat at all, and the list goes on). What can I do to get her talking to someone and make sure she can take the steps necessary to learn from this and hopefully repair with who she hurt? Is there a therapist that specializes in this? Should the camp have told us if a girl was bullied so bad she had to go home especially if my kid was bullying? I’m wondering if we even bother sending her back. I’m honestly so ashamed and embarrassed.

I’m sorry you are having to navigate this, OP. I’m wishing you and DD peace and as good an outcome as possible for all here.

To every other parent out there: the part in bold? It is commonplace on your children’s social media. What the OP described? It should not shock you; it’s what kids do to each other now, because they have access to social.

It is far easier to say to another child “you should kill yourself,” when it is not face to face. Use Snapchat, and you are unlikely to get caught. Yes, I fully realize in OP’s case it likely was said to her face-to-face. But,

- kids are learning this through social media use. It is not like it was when you were a teen / tween.

I’m pretty sure we all know that. What is your point?

OP circling back. Actually no, I did not know that. I had no idea that it is common for kids to tell each other to kill themselves. I am obviously embarking on a huge overhaul of social media and cell phone usage. I think my husband and I are recognizing we have been incredibly naive and too hands off in the connections our child is making. She is definitely not going back. And I am heartbroken for this girl who got targeted, who from what I am now finding out, was from what it sounds like a perfectly kind and sweet new kid to camp at an age where most kids are not new to camp. My daughter said that it was so bad the camp tried moving the girl to a different bunk a week in, but that the girl left the next day anyways. This camp NEVER changes bunks so I am guessing without even hearing back yet from director that it was bad. Currently making my daughter come up with an apology letter, and waiting to decide how forthcoming to be with the camp.

It’s not common at all for a girl to tell another girl to go kill herself. It happens but it’s not common. It’s usually much milder than that. That’s a vicious girl your daughter is friends with.

It sounds like your daughter came back worried about herself and felt nothing for the girl who was bullied.

Hopefully you can work on empathy with her. A lot of parents don’t think to talk about bullying to their teens and that’s a problem. It has to start early on and repetitive. It’s not too late.

My daughter starting in elementary school was a clothes horse. I always reminded her that most kids don’t care what they wear and it’s not a big deal. If someone wears the same Jeans everyday that’s their choice. In high school it was noted by a few teachers who said that she stood up to kids who were making fun of another kid. Boy or girl it didn’t matter she would tell them to stop and they did.

There’s hope for your daughter, just talk about it frequently. Why did she think her friend was such a mean person? What were you thinking when,the new girl was obviously upset. What did you get out of bullying?

[Anonymous]

As a teen I was a counselor at a camp for handicapped kids and teens. Look for opportunities for her to do good. Work hard and do good for others. She needs a reset. She needs to become a better human. And she needs to heal. Heal and become stronger. In the face of, fairly evil, at least emotionally unhealthy, peer pressure.

I'm not a religious person but there is a quote, "there by the grace of God go I." It's about
misfortune and suffering and recognizing that one's current good circumstance is not due to personal superiority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never let her go back to that camp - what a failure on their part to monitor or attempt to rectify the situation. That they never even contacted you! That poor girl. They are not a safe place for girls, your daughter included.

I agree your daughter seems afraid of the consequences rather than sorry for hurting the girl. Perhaps that is normal at 14? I wouldn't punish her for her lack of empathy and remorse. I would talk to her a lot more and be way more present in her life. Your time left to guide her is short -less than 2 years.

I wouldn’t say the camp failed at anything. There isn’t enough info. OP doesn’t know what happened or what role her daughter played. The camp did take measures to stop whatever was going on. We know she got her cabin moved. We don’t know what they said to others involved or their parents. But they were also in touch with the victim’s parents about it- or whatever other issues she was experiencing. A week into camp is too soon for a pickup to be prompted by letters home. This had to come from communication initiated by the camp to her parents. Since she was picked up after only a week, that isn’t much time at all for the camp to try to “fix” whatever was going on (assuming the bullying didn’t start and was reported the minute she arrived at camp), but it does sound like they tried and were open and honest with her parents about what was going on, in a reasonable timely manner. OP is not going to find out why the girl was picked up from camp, who did what, and what camp did. The camp may tell her what specifically her daughter was accused of/did, but that is all.

[Anonymous]

Definitely do not plan on sending her back. That’s straight up a bad environment.

[Anonymous]

Your child’s a bully. Ick!
Sounds like a mommy/daddy problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are very brave to post here. The fact that you are bothered by the behavior and aren’t denying your daughter’s role tells me that you’re a good parent. So many people would just sweep it under the rug. I’d reach out to the camp director to find out how your daughter can make amends. I’d also keep in mind that your daughter may be remorseful or she may simply be worried about the consequences. I think a few therapy sessions could be helpful. The fact you care to take action suggests you’ll find a way to make this a teachable experience. But I probably wouldn’t send her back next year.

I agree - you are brave to post.

Nothing brave about raising a bully then sending it away to an unsupervised camp to terrorize other children.

Precisely.

[Anonymous]

Has your DC been raised in a church? What have you done as a parent to instill morals?