Returned Home with Some Disturbing Stories

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

The irony here is stunning. You definitely care more about a performance apology than sincerity, since you started this comment with "I'm sorry, but..." which is the top of the insincere apology list. Why do you not think that the performance of the apology is more important than the sincerity?

Much of what we do is performative. That's why we teach the rules to children. If it's fine for the victim to not want to hear or accept an apology, is it also fine for the bully to say, hell now I'm not apologizing. Not if the bully were my kid. They would be apologizing. If the victim were my kid, they woujld be learning to hear and accept an apology. That's their job as a member of society, which is built on the judeo-christian tradition of repentance forgiveness.

The problem is the situation is “resolved” in the eyes of the administrators. The fake apology issued, the victim goaded into “hearing and accepting,” and the bully picks right back up where they left off. How about some real consequences? Suspensions and expulsions are appropriate and rarely handed out because heaven forbid the bully and their family face real consequences.

Who said the apology was the only consequence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your daughter to befriend a quiet girl at school and invite her out to do something.

This will help empower her a bit.

Quiet kids don't need pity or community service friendships.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

The irony here is stunning. You definitely care more about a performance apology than sincerity, since you started this comment with "I'm sorry, but..." which is the top of the insincere apology list. Why do you not think that the performance of the apology is more important than the sincerity?

Much of what we do is performative. That's why we teach the rules to children. If it's fine for the victim to not want to hear or accept an apology, is it also fine for the bully to say, hell now I'm not apologizing. Not if the bully were my kid. They would be apologizing. If the victim were my kid, they woujld be learning to hear and accept an apology. That's their job as a member of society, which is built on the judeo-christian tradition of repentance forgiveness.

The problem is the situation is “resolved” in the eyes of the administrators. The fake apology issued, the victim goaded into “hearing and accepting,” and the bully picks right back up where they left off. How about some real consequences? Suspensions and expulsions are appropriate and rarely handed out because heaven forbid the bully and their family face real consequences.

Who said the apology was the only consequence?

Who mentioned anything else other than an apology? What happened after the fact? I know in my kid’s case it ended with the fake apology. Certainly OP’s kid got nothing after the fact they didn’t even bother telling the parents there was a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should immediately write a letter of apology to the girl she bullied. Or call her or text her, whatever. It is important that she apologize profusely to that girl and tell her how wrong she was.

No, it is actually important that she not speak to that girl unless the girl herself requests some kind of reconciliation.

The apology you are talking about is a punishment for OP's daughter, not any kind of repair with the girl who was bullied.

I support an essay of some kind reflecting on what was wrong about the situation and what OP's daughter should have done / should do if she's in the situation again, but all these suggestions about contacting the girl who was bullied or her parents directly are tonedeaf. If your bully daughter called my traumatized child to apologize, I'd have a pretty hard time not telling her to take her bully friends' terrible advice and hanging up, and I'd absolutely wonder what kind of parent allows a bully to call their victim with a pretend apology.

I'm sorry, but it's important to say you're sorry, like it or not, sincere or not. OF COURSE she has to apologize.

The irony here is stunning. You definitely care more about a performance apology than sincerity, since you started this comment with "I'm sorry, but..." which is the top of the insincere apology list. Why do you not think that the performance of the apology is more important than the sincerity?

Much of what we do is performative. That's why we teach the rules to children. If it's fine for the victim to not want to hear or accept an apology, is it also fine for the bully to say, hell now I'm not apologizing. Not if the bully were my kid. They would be apologizing. If the victim were my kid, they woujld be learning to hear and accept an apology. That's their job as a member of society, which is built on the judeo-christian tradition of repentance forgiveness.

Do what you want with your kid. But if your kid bullied mine, your kid wouldn’t get anywhere near mine with their fake forced apology. Not unless and until my kid, the victim, said it was ok. Without your pressure. You are not in charge of the other kid.

The victim’s interests are the top priority.

You are forcing the victim to accept an apology. It’s just more bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular (and unprogressive) opinion, but what schools refer to as “restorative justice” is a scam when the conduct is serious and prolonged. Sure, it works when a couple of 4th grade boys get in a tussle during recess. But for anything more serious it leaves everyone worse off. I hope this trend dies out. Not saying everyone should be expelled or suspended, but sometimes people do something bad and there needs to be a consequence that is 100% consummate with their bad actions. Kids would learn more from that than from some manufactured apology meeting.

And yet we always hear about cases on TV where victims and their families never get closure after sentencing because they never got an apology from the perpetrator or an explanation for why they did what they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular (and unprogressive) opinion, but what schools refer to as “restorative justice” is a scam when the conduct is serious and prolonged. Sure, it works when a couple of 4th grade boys get in a tussle during recess. But for anything more serious it leaves everyone worse off. I hope this trend dies out. Not saying everyone should be expelled or suspended, but sometimes people do something bad and there needs to be a consequence that is 100% consummate with their bad actions. Kids would learn more from that than from some manufactured apology meeting.

And yet we always hear about cases on TV where victims and their families never get closure after sentencing because they never got an apology from the perpetrator or an explanation for why they did what they did.

Is this where victims/families want an apology? Or where the victims/families are forced to accept an apology?

[Anonymous]

Switching summer camps is not going to be any better. OP's child is too easily influenced by alpha bullies into becoming a little henchman. It's nuts to put this child in another similar environment next summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Switching summer camps is not going to be any better. OP's child is too easily influenced by alpha bullies into becoming a little henchman. It's nuts to put this child in another similar environment next summer.

Yep, kid is either the main bully or a lemming. Either way OP would be crazy to send her again.