Low effort teen feeling left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um…this post is sad.

Yes take him on something special to him. Camping is easy and cheap. Not everything is achievement based and frankly most kids never do anything with their sport so it’s really not that impressive I promise.

He ALREADY gets taken on 1:1 camping trips with dad and mom takes him on 1:1 trips as well throughout the year. He is acting like an entitled brat by saying he deserves a 1:1 LA trip because siblings play travel sports. What? No. Do not validate this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he wants an exciting city trip.

[Anonymous]

The question I have is whether HE is interested in these 1:1 trips. Are these things the parents want to do and acting like they’re being generous bringing him along, but he hates camping and whatever else?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, but travel sports are stupid and a waste of time and money for 98% of kids.

[Anonymous]

This is a hard one. We have two kids in travel sports and their trips are treated like a necessary evil, not vacation. If one kid had three trips and another kid had four, there is no way I'd take the kid on a fourth trip somewhere. I try to do something special local when one kid goes away. I'm all for spending one on one time with a kid or even going out of town - but I would not fly them to LA for fun. When my kids do their travel sports they are usually already missing one day of school so we don't extend the time to do something fun.

Try to get past his position to his interest. What is he trying to get out of a trip to LA. Why LA? You may want to explain that fair does not always mean equal. These trips are a requirement of their sport. It's not vacation. Maybe a one on one trip can be tied to graduation or a particular bday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This is tricky. I have 2 kids that fit this dynamic (one in high level sport who is very self motivated and driven) and the other a minimalist (minimal effort, which often gets minimal results). They are who they are. They’re mid teens.

My minimalist teen is older, has tried almost every team/ individual sport, gotten private lessons, did after school clubs, scouts, club sports, special camps, whatever they showed an interest in we tried. But ultimately they just don’t have the drive to work extra in things and quit everything. They just do high school sports now (often on the bench). That’s ok. They seem happy. I still go to all the games knowing my kid probably won’t play much if at all. I buy the swag. I say yes to ridiculous summer camps ($$$), we have done one on one trips to NYC, Miami, New Orleans, etc. Done lots of college visits. I’ve let them bring friends on vacations. Etc

But this minimalist teen is also a selective memory bean counter and has blinders on when there is an ask that is just ridiculous or undoable and we say no. And then the kid brings up the sports kid, and makes statements like OP’s DS that we don’t spend equal amount of time, don’t spend money on them, if it had been sport teen that asked we would have immediately said yes, etc, and tries to manipulate to get their way. It’s frustrating. On one hand you want your kid to feel loved and that they matter but on the other you don’t want to enable entitled behavior.

We still don’t know why LA (I read it as if LA was a match in size to Chicago and Miami, the other cities the other siblings had visited). So an eye for an eye so to speak. We also don’t know if this is a pattern, asking for big things to match in their eyes what they think the siblings are getting. It could also reinforce an entitlement issue.

“Selective memory bean counter.” “tries to manipulate.” “enable entitled behavior.”

Some of you really don’t like your children.

[Anonymous]

Travel sports aren’t a necessary evil. Sounds like drank the Kool Aid. If these parents are spending all of this money on 2/3 kids, it shouldn’t surprise them when the third notices this. If a trip to LA is too much financially, let the kid know and make plans for a trip that is more reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think it is cruel. Accept him for who he is. Take him on a trip to a place where there is something that interests him.

+1
My brother and I traveled a ton for sports and my sister was more like your son. She's 50 now and still have psychological issues around this. If your kid wants to spend time with you - do it!

The only natural consequence I see it the hatred he will have for you as an adult. He will always remember how you spent time with his siblings and refused to do so with him - just because he quit the band or didn't do gymnastics or take up soccer or whatever.

If I were you I'd have him plan a trip around his interest - if if it's something stupid like comic con- then go with all the enthusiasm you have on the sidelines for his siblings. He will remember it forever.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t travel solo with a kid who wants to travel just for the sake of it. I would, however, support an interest. If one kid is going to LA for lacrosse, and the other kid wants to enter a photography contest in LA, I would support both. I would be willing to send the second kid to a writing camp in LA or even create our own camp of visiting art museums. However the kid who’s traveling for sport is not going on a vacation. Sucking kid doesn’t get a vacation just because first kid is on an airplane. That’s like a kid saying they should get as much screen time as a sibling when the sibling is using a screen for online art classes and the screen time will be used for random games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your teen child is asking to spend more time with you. That in itself is the reason to do it!

He does spend more time with us. What he is requesting is an expensive trip tailored to his specific wants just because his siblings got to go out of state for sports reasons.

I can relate. It is a horrible existence being the less talented, less attractive sibling. You are envious of your sibling's lives (friends, accomplishments, etc.) most of your childhood. It's really sad that he had to ask for his time, his moment, his adventure. As a parent, I always tried to make sure all of my kids knew they were equally loved and we did everything we could to make their lives meaningful, memorable, and special. When you have a special needs child or a child not flourishing, you give them more of your time and effort, not less. DC's siblings understand this. You seem to be doing the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t travel solo with a kid who wants to travel just for the sake of it. I would, however, support an interest. If one kid is going to LA for lacrosse, and the other kid wants to enter a photography contest in LA, I would support both. I would be willing to send the second kid to a writing camp in LA or even create our own camp of visiting art museums. However the kid who’s traveling for sport is not going on a vacation. Sucking kid doesn’t get a vacation just because first kid is on an airplane. That’s like a kid saying they should get as much screen time as a sibling when the sibling is using a screen for online art classes and the screen time will be used for random games.

So many kool aid drinkers on here. Kids have a fantastic time when they travel for sports. Yes, it’s a type of vacation. And those of you raising kids who don’t see that or who compare sports to work? You are those one raising entitled children.

(Parent of a kid who used to go to nationals for gymnastics).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

If your kid compared treatment for a speech impediment with fun travel, you should shut it down. If your kid points out money spent on sports, you should stop to think about it rather than be so defensive. The fact you have to go a medical/health expenses shows how pathetic responses are - you can’t even compare like items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, but travel sports are stupid and a waste of time and money for 98% of kids.

Yup and they have a huge effect on family dynamics and activities. It’s so strange to see so many families fall for travel sports. OP, travel sports are BS so stop thinking two of your kids are better for doing them. And you shouldn’t be penalizing one kid because they don’t like sports.