Low effort teen feeling left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child used to do gymnastics, but my other non gymnastics child always came on the trips and we all had a great time. I do t think these trips should be one on ones. It’s just not fair.

OP never said they were. It sounds to me like this son chooses not to go on them

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

If your kid compared treatment for a speech impediment with fun travel, you should shut it down. If your kid points out money spent on sports, you should stop to think about it rather than be so defensive. The fact you have to go a medical/health expenses shows how pathetic responses are - you can’t even compare like items.

My stance is that children should not be pointing out expense and demanding money at all. About anything.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

And any sane person would laugh in your face for equating spending money on a child for a medical or developmental issue to funding an expensive hobby the child wants to pursue.

But the kid doesn’t have a hobby. They just look at what others do and whine.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

And any sane person would laugh in your face for equating spending money on a child for a medical or developmental issue to funding an expensive hobby the child wants to pursue.

But the kid doesn’t have a hobby. They just look at what others do and whine.

That's pretty judgy gor a kid you don't know.

Op may be blind, she's so busy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

And any sane person would laugh in your face for equating spending money on a child for a medical or developmental issue to funding an expensive hobby the child wants to pursue.

But the kid doesn’t have a hobby. They just look at what others do and whine.

You mean he doesn’t have a hobby that op deems worthy. Camping and travel are both legitimate hobbies (and ones that are far more likely to be sustained in adulthood than gymnastics).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

If your kid compared treatment for a speech impediment with fun travel, you should shut it down. If your kid points out money spent on sports, you should stop to think about it rather than be so defensive. The fact you have to go a medical/health expenses shows how pathetic responses are - you can’t even compare like items.

My stance is that children should not be pointing out expense and demanding money at all. About anything.

Lack of self reflection. Good luck to you when you are old and infirm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

And any sane person would laugh in your face for equating spending money on a child for a medical or developmental issue to funding an expensive hobby the child wants to pursue.

But the kid doesn’t have a hobby. They just look at what others do and whine.

That's pretty judgy gor a kid you don't know.

Op may be blind, she's so busy

AH parents, like PP, need to say stuff like that to justify their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

So, what does he do all day? I mean he exists in the same temporal field as the rest of us. He must be doing something. What does he do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids; 15, 15, 12.

G15 and B12 are very active, driven kids who have excelled in their sports of interests which means they’re spending their summer traveling for events.

G15 has made it to Nationals for gymnastics and therefor has had some one on one time with me when we travel for competitions. B12 is in travel soccer and usually DH takes him to his games almost every weekend.

B15 is feeling left out and is demanding a one on one vacation with us. We do one on one activities with him (he’s spent a weekend camping with Dad, many days with just me) but he wants us to take him out of state for a special trip like his siblings.

We’ve explained these are for sporting events and not vacation (although we do some fun things and site seeing).

It feels like B15 is jealous his siblings are busy with various events due to their extracurricular activities but he has always refused to put forth effort with anything and has always just barely passed by.

I feel like it’s a natural consequence that he’s missing out. Is this cruel? We aren’t intentionally holding him back but he refused to stick with any sport or instrument and now he’s seeing the payoff with his siblings who have…

Your elder son knows that the price of your time, attention and love is participation in an expensive, time-consuming activity.

Your other two kids know it too, and they have decided that they are willing to pay this price. Your other two kids are not "driven" for love of the activities that they do, they are driven to get your approval, which you are very very stingy with.

It's not a matter of "if" your other two kids eventually become alienated like your elder son, but when.

[Anonymous]

What if this kid ends up at a state college and his sibling attends a private school. Should you be writing him a check to even it out?

Say yes to a weekend away, but not LA.

[Anonymous]

My kid doesn’t do much. He reads, has a summer job, hangs out with friends, cooks occasionally. During the school year, he does his homework, his chores, reads, etc. Why is being busy all of the time considered the default and anyone who strays from it must be depressed or doing drugs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn’t do much. He reads, has a summer job, hangs out with friends, cooks occasionally. During the school year, he does his homework, his chores, reads, etc. Why is being busy all of the time considered the default and anyone who strays from it must be depressed or doing drugs?

+1


I also have a 15 yo boy and would never cross my imagination to ask the pediatrician why he doesn’t have “drive” just because he is not busy all the time or not in a structured extracurricular.

[Anonymous]

Also: travel sports are a luxury and a huge drain on a family’s budget, time and energy. Don’t treat them as kids jobs, or as a pp called them “necessary evils”. They get to travel because they have the ability and the money. Yes, supporting travel sports is a thing a whole family does FOR some kids. And as camps etc, they are recreational expenditures, same as vacations.

That being said, I really dislike the approach of traveling individually with each kid and then trying to make things equal. It seems impossible and individualistic. As a family, we try to go all together to all the trips we can. Nobody has the right to a 1:1 trip. Regular 1:1 time happens with local outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids; 15, 15, 12.

G15 and B12 are very active, driven kids who have excelled in their sports of interests which means they’re spending their summer traveling for events.

G15 has made it to Nationals for gymnastics and therefor has had some one on one time with me when we travel for competitions. B12 is in travel soccer and usually DH takes him to his games almost every weekend.

B15 is feeling left out and is demanding a one on one vacation with us. We do one on one activities with him (he’s spent a weekend camping with Dad, many days with just me) but he wants us to take him out of state for a special trip like his siblings.

We’ve explained these are for sporting events and not vacation (although we do some fun things and site seeing).

It feels like B15 is jealous his siblings are busy with various events due to their extracurricular activities but he has always refused to put forth effort with anything and has always just barely passed by.

I feel like it’s a natural consequence that he’s missing out. Is this cruel? We aren’t intentionally holding him back but he refused to stick with any sport or instrument and now he’s seeing the payoff with his siblings who have…

Dumb hill to die on. LBH, you're kind of punishing him so, yes, it's cruel.
Take him out of town. Don't be a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your teen child is asking to spend more time with you. That in itself is the reason to do it!

+1

He'll be ignoring you in four to five years, so I'd take this request as an opp to bond more.