Low effort teen feeling left out

[Anonymous]

My child used to do gymnastics, but my other non gymnastics child always came on the trips and we all had a great time. I do t think these trips should be one on ones. It’s just not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t travel solo with a kid who wants to travel just for the sake of it. I would, however, support an interest. If one kid is going to LA for lacrosse, and the other kid wants to enter a photography contest in LA, I would support both. I would be willing to send the second kid to a writing camp in LA or even create our own camp of visiting art museums. However the kid who’s traveling for sport is not going on a vacation. Sucking kid doesn’t get a vacation just because first kid is on an airplane. That’s like a kid saying they should get as much screen time as a sibling when the sibling is using a screen for online art classes and the screen time will be used for random games.

So many kool aid drinkers on here. Kids have a fantastic time when they travel for sports. Yes, it’s a type of vacation. And those of you raising kids who don’t see that or who compare sports to work? You are those one raising entitled children.

(Parent of a kid who used to go to nationals for gymnastics).

And kids have a great time traveling for photography and camp too. None of these is the same as a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t travel solo with a kid who wants to travel just for the sake of it. I would, however, support an interest. If one kid is going to LA for lacrosse, and the other kid wants to enter a photography contest in LA, I would support both. I would be willing to send the second kid to a writing camp in LA or even create our own camp of visiting art museums. However the kid who’s traveling for sport is not going on a vacation. Sucking kid doesn’t get a vacation just because first kid is on an airplane. That’s like a kid saying they should get as much screen time as a sibling when the sibling is using a screen for online art classes and the screen time will be used for random games.

So many kool aid drinkers on here. Kids have a fantastic time when they travel for sports. Yes, it’s a type of vacation. And those of you raising kids who don’t see that or who compare sports to work? You are those one raising entitled children.

(Parent of a kid who used to go to nationals for gymnastics).

And kids have a great time traveling for photography and camp too. None of these is the same as a vacation.

These are extracurriculars for children. It’s all a vacation. What entitled children you are raising if you they don’t understand camp is vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t travel solo with a kid who wants to travel just for the sake of it. I would, however, support an interest. If one kid is going to LA for lacrosse, and the other kid wants to enter a photography contest in LA, I would support both. I would be willing to send the second kid to a writing camp in LA or even create our own camp of visiting art museums. However the kid who’s traveling for sport is not going on a vacation. Sucking kid doesn’t get a vacation just because first kid is on an airplane. That’s like a kid saying they should get as much screen time as a sibling when the sibling is using a screen for online art classes and the screen time will be used for random games.

Why wouldn’t you guys travel with your kid for fun?? This whole thread is sad in a lot of ways. Everything doesn’t have to be an educational experience or something that helps build their resume. What if you do a 1:1 trip with your kid to just have fun and enjoy your kid? That sounds like a perfectly great reason to do something. Especially for a kid asking for it.

Also this kid is probably not just bringing this up because of the trips - most of you know how much time travel sports take from a family. This family’s whole world is built around these two other kids. And if these parents don’t think their 3rd kid doesn’t feel that their parents place huge value on it and love that their other kids value it too they are completely out to lunch. So 3rd kids life is built around these kids schedules, practices etc and parents say meh your fault because you’re not a strived like us and in their literal words “lazy.” Omg. Obviously op is gone but it really is sad.

It doesn’t have to be a one for one and yes a sports trip isn’t the same so you explain it’s not a comparison and fair doesn’t mean equal but also hey we hear you - your siblings activities take a lot of time and energy - let’s plan something fun together. And you go ENJOY YOUR CHILD.

[Anonymous]

Striver*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This is tricky. I have 2 kids that fit this dynamic (one in high level sport who is very self motivated and driven) and the other a minimalist (minimal effort, which often gets minimal results). They are who they are. They’re mid teens.

My minimalist teen is older, has tried almost every team/ individual sport, gotten private lessons, did after school clubs, scouts, club sports, special camps, whatever they showed an interest in we tried. But ultimately they just don’t have the drive to work extra in things and quit everything. They just do high school sports now (often on the bench). That’s ok. They seem happy. I still go to all the games knowing my kid probably won’t play much if at all. I buy the swag. I say yes to ridiculous summer camps ($$$), we have done one on one trips to NYC, Miami, New Orleans, etc. Done lots of college visits. I’ve let them bring friends on vacations. Etc

But this minimalist teen is also a selective memory bean counter and has blinders on when there is an ask that is just ridiculous or undoable and we say no. And then the kid brings up the sports kid, and makes statements like OP’s DS that we don’t spend equal amount of time, don’t spend money on them, if it had been sport teen that asked we would have immediately said yes, etc, and tries to manipulate to get their way. It’s frustrating. On one hand you want your kid to feel loved and that they matter but on the other you don’t want to enable entitled behavior.

We still don’t know why LA (I read it as if LA was a match in size to Chicago and Miami, the other cities the other siblings had visited). So an eye for an eye so to speak. We also don’t know if this is a pattern, asking for big things to match in their eyes what they think the siblings are getting. It could also reinforce an entitlement issue.

“Selective memory bean counter.” “tries to manipulate.” “enable entitled behavior.”

Some of you really don’t like your children.

If that’s all you took from the post, then I can’t help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This is tricky. I have 2 kids that fit this dynamic (one in high level sport who is very self motivated and driven) and the other a minimalist (minimal effort, which often gets minimal results). They are who they are. They’re mid teens.

My minimalist teen is older, has tried almost every team/ individual sport, gotten private lessons, did after school clubs, scouts, club sports, special camps, whatever they showed an interest in we tried. But ultimately they just don’t have the drive to work extra in things and quit everything. They just do high school sports now (often on the bench). That’s ok. They seem happy. I still go to all the games knowing my kid probably won’t play much if at all. I buy the swag. I say yes to ridiculous summer camps ($$$), we have done one on one trips to NYC, Miami, New Orleans, etc. Done lots of college visits. I’ve let them bring friends on vacations. Etc

But this minimalist teen is also a selective memory bean counter and has blinders on when there is an ask that is just ridiculous or undoable and we say no. And then the kid brings up the sports kid, and makes statements like OP’s DS that we don’t spend equal amount of time, don’t spend money on them, if it had been sport teen that asked we would have immediately said yes, etc, and tries to manipulate to get their way. It’s frustrating. On one hand you want your kid to feel loved and that they matter but on the other you don’t want to enable entitled behavior.

We still don’t know why LA (I read it as if LA was a match in size to Chicago and Miami, the other cities the other siblings had visited). So an eye for an eye so to speak. We also don’t know if this is a pattern, asking for big things to match in their eyes what they think the siblings are getting. It could also reinforce an entitlement issue.

“Selective memory bean counter.” “tries to manipulate.” “enable entitled behavior.”

Some of you really don’t like your children.

If that’s all you took from the post, then I can’t help you.

Your disdain for your own child (the minimalist teen) comes right through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

And any sane person would laugh in your face for equating spending money on a child for a medical or developmental issue to funding an expensive hobby the child wants to pursue.

[Anonymous]

My husband’s parents were very similar to OP and in his early teen years wrote him off as the lazy one/goof off and used that to justify devoting far more time and resources to his siblings.

They’re now mystified as to why we maintain an arms length relationship with them and they rarely see their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

I would take him. Maybe travel is his thing! Have him find the cheapest, easiest flight, book the hotel or air b and b, and plan the itinerary. That is a thing.

We had one ds who tried everything- every sport, music, scouts, theater, and because of his issues was just average or below average ( his peer group in nova). We worked with what we had. Now college grad, engaged, normal job, and really happy!

Our other ds, excelled at everything ( sports, academics, friends). Just meet him where he is. Please believe me, you won’t regret it. If over time, you really think he’s acting entitled discuss. But just seems like he’s different and maybe this is what he’s interested in.

The one ds who has excelled at everything also loves travel. In 5 th grade came down one night with an entire international trip planned at a great cost! The other ds and I said no but my ds said yes. It was so good with the plan and cost an aunt asked to take along. So, again, maybe travel will be his thing! For us, it turned into a hs study abroad and a uni abroad for undergrad. If you can afford it, think about it.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's about travel or the specific location. It think it's about feeling inferior to the siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s parents were very similar to OP and in his early teen years wrote him off as the lazy one/goof off and used that to justify devoting far more time and resources to his siblings.

They’re now mystified as to why we maintain an arms length relationship with them and they rarely see their grandkids.

This is going to be the probable outcome. The "low effort" kid will eventually do ok and will be the first to get married and have kids.

[Anonymous]

People who are willing to tell the kid to pound rocks…ten years from now he gets to execute this same degree of judgement on his parents. I have a colleague who forever described his son as lazy— “only” went to VCU, didn’t pick a major for a year, etc. meanwhile his sisters were really excelling. Kid met his college girlfriend (premed then, is now a doctor) and promptly found motivation.

They have two kids now who my co-worker complains they never see. That his son told his wife “crazy things” about his childhood and how he was treated to compared to his sisters (who don’t yet have kids).

It’s a very brief time when you get to write the narrative on your kids childhood and OP it’s over for you already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This is tricky. I have 2 kids that fit this dynamic (one in high level sport who is very self motivated and driven) and the other a minimalist (minimal effort, which often gets minimal results). They are who they are. They’re mid teens.

My minimalist teen is older, has tried almost every team/ individual sport, gotten private lessons, did after school clubs, scouts, club sports, special camps, whatever they showed an interest in we tried. But ultimately they just don’t have the drive to work extra in things and quit everything. They just do high school sports now (often on the bench). That’s ok. They seem happy. I still go to all the games knowing my kid probably won’t play much if at all. I buy the swag. I say yes to ridiculous summer camps ($$$), we have done one on one trips to NYC, Miami, New Orleans, etc. Done lots of college visits. I’ve let them bring friends on vacations. Etc

But this minimalist teen is also a selective memory bean counter and has blinders on when there is an ask that is just ridiculous or undoable and we say no. And then the kid brings up the sports kid, and makes statements like OP’s DS that we don’t spend equal amount of time, don’t spend money on them, if it had been sport teen that asked we would have immediately said yes, etc, and tries to manipulate to get their way. It’s frustrating. On one hand you want your kid to feel loved and that they matter but on the other you don’t want to enable entitled behavior.

We still don’t know why LA (I read it as if LA was a match in size to Chicago and Miami, the other cities the other siblings had visited). So an eye for an eye so to speak. We also don’t know if this is a pattern, asking for big things to match in their eyes what they think the siblings are getting. It could also reinforce an entitlement issue.

“Selective memory bean counter.” “tries to manipulate.” “enable entitled behavior.”

Some of you really don’t like your children.

If that’s all you took from the post, then I can’t help you.

Your disdain for your own child (the minimalist teen) comes right through.

+1

DP

PP you responded to an an a$$hole parent, who will have to reap what they sow later. Even the one they favor is suffering from their mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

That’s just freaking sad. So no trips unless it’s earned or involves an activity? Like just the family having fun?