Low effort teen feeling left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP- So the two others kids are manipulating their parents by playing travel sports? Why can’t this kid get his own time with his parents like the other two kids get? How sad that the only reason those kids get time is because they “produce.”

You didn’t read OPs post. Stop projecting your own insecurities into this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

I agree with you OP. Some kids/ people are just like this and yes, he’s likely to be feeling jealous of his sibs but not willing to look at his own lack of effort over many years that has produced this situation.

It’s not the end of the world for him. Some people are just late bloomers. I agree that it’s nice that he wants to spend time with you and the camping trip you describe sounds perfect. His situation does not merit an exclusive vacation, however. That would be sending him the wrong message IMO

I don't like the idea that people are either "high achievers" or "lazy." Where's the middle ground of dealing with your responsibilities (keeping up with school, chores, showing up for family and friends) and then enjoying life? What about a kid who loves to read and think about faith or philosophy? What if he loves to hang out at the pool or hike in the woods, but isn't interested in competitive swim or ultramarathons or whatever? That's not lazy. It's just being a person.

And this is why my kids won't out-compete yours, I guess. Because that mindset is so foreign to me, their parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is in the wrong here, but maybe it's just that I'm actual middle class and not made of money...I wouldn't take one of my kids to LA just because he demanded it either. That's a huge trip! My kids don't randomly get to ask for anything costing any amount to make it "even."

If that were the case, I’d ask how to could justify so much money on sports for only 2 of your 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are spending $$$ on gymnastics and soccer for the other kids (I have a former competitive gymnast and it was easily $10-15k a year depending on level and travel requirements). Complaining about the cost of a trip to LA (a few thousand at most?) for a kid you are NOT spending a fortune on seems off to me. If you truly can't afford it ask him to come up with some closer options.

If they truly can’t afford it (unlikely), the they need to rethink the money going to the other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're getting a rare instance of unanimous response in DCUM. Listen up , and do right by your kid.

I'll be the outlier and say I don't agree. Why are the other siblings prohibited from a trip because they've 'used up' all the one-on-one time with their parents? Are they being punished for the time commitment to the other activities? Who stays home to watch the siblings? This is the kind of trip that breeds resentment and doesn't solve anything.

I have a DC who puts in an incredible amount of time and energy because he loves his sport (which, for the record, is going nowhere past high school because he isn't so good college is a thought). As parents, we then have to also match that time and energy. I have another DC who doesn't practice anything - not the instrument, not her singing, nothing. She has private lessons, at her request, for both of those things. I'm happy to support her and take her to shows in DC and NYC. If we're on vacation, I'll seek out theater she'd enjoy. But there's zero chance I'd plan a special vacation across the country to make up for what OP's son sees as an injustice. You're just validating a feeling that's incorrect.

Now, I will say, given other posts on DCUM, having a 15 yo who wants to vacation with you is a win. So maybe there's a middle ground.

Some people just aren’t very good parents. It’s sad, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a bad parent who has given up on your kid because his interests don’t align with yours. I wonder how tortured your other kids are to be doing your bidding.

[Anonymous]

At first I was kind of on your kid’s side but after your updates I get it. People are ganging up on you because they didn’t bother to read the other posts.

Since you already take him on cheap trips like camping and to visit family, and you’ve spent tons of money trying out all his other interests, I don’t think you need to do anything more. It sounds like he doesn’t even want a trip with you, he just wants to go to LA specifically for something. Does he have a friend there? Or a girl he likes? I’d try to find out what’s attracting him there. And if you do go, he doesn’t have the right to demand that the other kids stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

I’m not sure I have ever called anyone a moron here before but comparing mandatory travel for work that is paid by an employer and voluntary family-paid sports travel makes you a moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

It isn’t typical to spend so much money on 2 kids and leave 1 out. Calling a teenager who wants a fun 1:1 trip with a parent a “spoiled brat” is sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At first I was kind of on your kid’s side but after your updates I get it. People are ganging up on you because they didn’t bother to read the other posts.

Since you already take him on cheap trips like camping and to visit family, and you’ve spent tons of money trying out all his other interests, I don’t think you need to do anything more. It sounds like he doesn’t even want a trip with you, he just wants to go to LA specifically for something. Does he have a friend there? Or a girl he likes? I’d try to find out what’s attracting him there. And if you do go, he doesn’t have the right to demand that the other kids stay home.

I read the updates. Thought it made OP look even worse and by extension all of you who agree with her. Look, the reality is that not every parent cares about and really sees and values each of their kids. Sad, but someone of you are like that.

[Anonymous]

NP here. This is tricky. I have 2 kids that fit this dynamic (one in high level sport who is very self motivated and driven) and the other a minimalist (minimal effort, which often gets minimal results). They are who they are. They’re mid teens.

My minimalist teen is older, has tried almost every team/ individual sport, gotten private lessons, did after school clubs, scouts, club sports, special camps, whatever they showed an interest in we tried. But ultimately they just don’t have the drive to work extra in things and quit everything. They just do high school sports now (often on the bench). That’s ok. They seem happy. I still go to all the games knowing my kid probably won’t play much if at all. I buy the swag. I say yes to ridiculous summer camps ($$$), we have done one on one trips to NYC, Miami, New Orleans, etc. Done lots of college visits. I’ve let them bring friends on vacations. Etc

But this minimalist teen is also a selective memory bean counter and has blinders on when there is an ask that is just ridiculous or undoable and we say no. And then the kid brings up the sports kid, and makes statements like OP’s DS that we don’t spend equal amount of time, don’t spend money on them, if it had been sport teen that asked we would have immediately said yes, etc, and tries to manipulate to get their way. It’s frustrating. On one hand you want your kid to feel loved and that they matter but on the other you don’t want to enable entitled behavior.

We still don’t know why LA (I read it as if LA was a match in size to Chicago and Miami, the other cities the other siblings had visited). So an eye for an eye so to speak. We also don’t know if this is a pattern, asking for big things to match in their eyes what they think the siblings are getting. It could also reinforce an entitlement issue.