Low effort teen feeling left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

We do! It is fun one on one time. Took my daughter on a trip last summer and my son on one in the fall. They were great times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're getting a rare instance of unanimous response in DCUM. Listen up , and do right by your kid.

I'll be the outlier and say I don't agree. Why are the other siblings prohibited from a trip because they've 'used up' all the one-on-one time with their parents? Are they being punished for the time commitment to the other activities? Who stays home to watch the siblings? This is the kind of trip that breeds resentment and doesn't solve anything.

I have a DC who puts in an incredible amount of time and energy because he loves his sport (which, for the record, is going nowhere past high school because he isn't so good college is a thought). As parents, we then have to also match that time and energy. I have another DC who doesn't practice anything - not the instrument, not her singing, nothing. She has private lessons, at her request, for both of those things. I'm happy to support her and take her to shows in DC and NYC. If we're on vacation, I'll seek out theater she'd enjoy. But there's zero chance I'd plan a special vacation across the country to make up for what OP's son sees as an injustice. You're just validating a feeling that's incorrect.

Now, I will say, given other posts on DCUM, having a 15 yo who wants to vacation with you is a win. So maybe there's a middle ground.

It is about supporting interests and spending time together. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

And any sane person would laugh in your face for equating spending money on a child for a medical or developmental issue to funding an expensive hobby the child wants to pursue.

But the kid doesn’t have a hobby. They just look at what others do and whine.

You mean he doesn’t have a hobby that op deems worthy. Camping and travel are both legitimate hobbies (and ones that are far more likely to be sustained in adulthood than gymnastics).

i think travel is really a hobby for adults. A kid can't just do their own travel thing, they get taken where the parents choose to go. So no, I don't think a 15 year old's hobby can be travel. Also there's no indication that the kid has a particular love of travel. They just feel hard done by and want to go on a trip.

Tell that to my 10 year old who has a passion for travel and already takes a major role in suggesting locations, learning about the history/culture of different places, and helping to plan/research activities for every trip we take- from short weekend jaunts to international vacations.

Obviously we, the parents, have ultimate say/ veto power since we’re paying for everything but the same is true for any kid’s hobby or activity.

[Anonymous]

This is why family life should never be centered around a child's expensive hobby unless all the children do the exact same dumb expensive hobby. It is 99.999% likely that neither of OP's two "golden" children is going to be an Olympian or professional athlete. Very unlikely to even get a college scholarship out of it, unless recruited by some no-name regional school nobody has ever heard of outside its region.

[Anonymous]

Hahaha! My friend just posted on Facebook - “since father and daughter are at XYZ tournament we (mom and son) took a trip to Nashville because son loves music . . . We saw so much blah blah . . .”

Take your kid on a trip.

[Anonymous]

Piling on to say you suck, OP. I have two kids. One is a high level athlete, who we spend thousands on and travel with. The other you would describe as “low effort” since he’s not involved in organized activities.

I’ve taken him on one on one trips the past two years and have loved that time with him. He’s picked the place and I’ve said anywhere in the US, when we dropped his sibling off at a high level sports camp where colleges are watching. We just vacationed at a place of his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

And any sane person would laugh in your face for equating spending money on a child for a medical or developmental issue to funding an expensive hobby the child wants to pursue.

But the kid doesn’t have a hobby. They just look at what others do and whine.

You mean he doesn’t have a hobby that op deems worthy. Camping and travel are both legitimate hobbies (and ones that are far more likely to be sustained in adulthood than gymnastics).

i think travel is really a hobby for adults. A kid can't just do their own travel thing, they get taken where the parents choose to go. So no, I don't think a 15 year old's hobby can be travel. Also there's no indication that the kid has a particular love of travel. They just feel hard done by and want to go on a trip.

Tell that to my 10 year old who has a passion for travel and already takes a major role in suggesting locations, learning about the history/culture of different places, and helping to plan/research activities for every trip we take- from short weekend jaunts to international vacations.

Obviously we, the parents, have ultimate say/ veto power since we’re paying for everything but the same is true for any kid’s hobby or activity.

NP. But this kid has not done any of that. They’ve just said hey let’s go to LA.

[Anonymous]

Is he offered the chance to go with you on the sporting event trips and declines? I might feel differently then but otherwise I’d take him on a trip. When my daughters were still competing in gymnastics it took us everywhere , NYC, the Bahamas, Vegas, Orlando, etc. We took their siblings and made all of them family trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he offered the chance to go with you on the sporting event trips and declines? I might feel differently then but otherwise I’d take him on a trip. When my daughters were still competing in gymnastics it took us everywhere , NYC, the Bahamas, Vegas, Orlando, etc. We took their siblings and made all of them family trips.

I’m one of the PPs and don’t know about gymnastics but we never do this in our family. Tournament weekends are long and we never have time to see the cities. It’s one parent and the kid. We spend the majority of time in the convention center or at team dinners. It would not make sense to bring the other parent or siblings. Even if they all crammed in the hotel room it would just be a distraction since we are often up at 5am.

[Anonymous]

Most people would travel as a family, and the other parent and non athlete kid would go out and have fun touring the area while the sports parent and athlete kid do their thing.

[Anonymous]

If you have the means, do the trip. I’m not the type to bend to demand my kids make, especially pricey ones, but it sounds like your kid is testing you, seeing if you care about him as much as his siblings and it sounds like you aren’t understanding who he is, which makes him sad and resentful. I bet you have frequent flyer miles from the trips with the other two: use them for the LA trip. Report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sorry, son, you're not a winner like your siblings. If, and only if, you live up to our standards, we'll spend special time with you."

It does smack of this.

Do you also have a twin situation?

Why does your kid want to go to LA?

And how do you know the trip to LA won't help him develop a special interest?

It's important to treat children as equally as possible. People grow up with massive resentment when they feel parents play favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people would travel as a family, and the other parent and non athlete kid would go out and have fun touring the area while the sports parent and athlete kid do their thing.

No, you don’t have kids in these sports. That doesn’t happen at the elite travel level. You don’t all cram into one room for that. You can visit the city another time. My DD would find that distracting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people would travel as a family, and the other parent and non athlete kid would go out and have fun touring the area while the sports parent and athlete kid do their thing.

No, you don’t have kids in these sports. That doesn’t happen at the elite travel level. You don’t all cram into one room for that. You can visit the city another time. My DD would find that distracting.

That was my experience as well (so much waiting to compete and on team events). Plus we went to some lackluster cities!