Low effort teen feeling left out

[Anonymous]

You should do something with him. Give him a budget and ask him to plan something based on his interest. Just because it’s not driven by organized sports doesn’t mean it’s not a worthwhile activity. I think he has a point! And you are missing out on time with him and cultivating his interests, whatever they are. Sounds like you have the resources to do so but just arent valuing it because it’s not building his college resume.

We told our kids we’d do one solo trip with each parent for during their teen years. Itineraries for those ended up being driven by interests in food (city food tour), record breaking rollercoasters, fishing, and music concerts. Sounds like you judge your kid for not having strong interests in things you value. Use this as a chance to get him to think about his interests, do something related to them, and for you to demonstrate to him that you value him for who he is.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the problem is that you don't want to take him on this trip, that's fine, the problem is you are so judgmental and seem to really not like him.

Even if he never "amounts" to much, it sounds like he's an okay person and tbh if you're the parent of a kid who is doing any better than crisis and you can talk about them the way you are talking about this kid, you are not okay.

I really hope he manages to move out for college and not come back. He needs to go build a family that supports him. It's not about the trip. You have much bigger problems.

[Anonymous]

Lady, take him somewhere

Teens usually aren't aching to connect with their parents.

If natural consequences means you have less of a connection your almost 18 yo, you may feel that this price is too much when he becomes an adult.

Tread carefully. There is more at stake than you realize, probably because the both of you are do busy with your other two kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

You took him to the pediatrician because he's not a striver. OMG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids; 15, 15, 12.

G15 and B12 are very active, driven kids who have excelled in their sports of interests which means they’re spending their summer traveling for events.

G15 has made it to Nationals for gymnastics and therefor has had some one on one time with me when we travel for competitions. B12 is in travel soccer and usually DH takes him to his games almost every weekend.

B15 is feeling left out and is demanding a one on one vacation with us. We do one on one activities with him (he’s spent a weekend camping with Dad, many days with just me) but he wants us to take him out of state for a special trip like his siblings.

We’ve explained these are for sporting events and not vacation (although we do some fun things and site seeing).

It feels like B15 is jealous his siblings are busy with various events due to their extracurricular activities but he has always refused to put forth effort with anything and has always just barely passed by.

I feel like it’s a natural consequence that he’s missing out. Is this cruel? We aren’t intentionally holding him back but he refused to stick with any sport or instrument and now he’s seeing the payoff with his siblings who have…

So because they play a sport and compete at a certain level they get to do fun things? Not being able to have fun shouldn’t be a natural consequence to not playing sports.

I would explore more around what he would like to do on a trip. And have him do the research and planning. I think it’s fair to say we can’t take you for a special trip to Disneyworld for a week but if you come up with some things you’d like to do together we can have a discussion of what’s possible.

Maybe it’s going to a National Park (you mentioned camping) or going whitewater rafting or hiking a specific trail. The point is to find ways to engage with your son that doesn’t center around an extracurricular activity.

[Anonymous]

Your title is dripping with scorn for your child. I feel sorry for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should do something with him. Give him a budget and ask him to plan something based on his interest. Just because it’s not driven by organized sports doesn’t mean it’s not a worthwhile activity. I think he has a point! And you are missing out on time with him and cultivating his interests, whatever they are. Sounds like you have the resources to do so but just arent valuing it because it’s not building his college resume.

We told our kids we’d do one solo trip with each parent for during their teen years. Itineraries for those ended up being driven by interests in food (city food tour), record breaking rollercoasters, fishing, and music concerts. Sounds like you judge your kid for not having strong interests in things you value. Use this as a chance to get him to think about his interests, do something related to them, and for you to demonstrate to him that you value him for who he is.

This. OP you say you love him for who he is but it does not come across that way. The feeling of being valued is what he is really missing is my guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your title is dripping with scorn for your child. I feel sorry for him.

I thought it was so weird and disdainful to describe a person as "low effort," especially your child, that I googled it and it apparently comes from online dating lingo. Bleh. OP will never think this kid is good enough, she'll be complaining about his wife, his kids... "Low effort son and DIL won't host Thanksgiving, even though my high effort BigLaw doctor children are MUCH too busy..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

If you don’t think you are communicating this to him you are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

Natural consequences for what? For not liking activities you keep signing him up for? Can you not see how ridiculous you sound??

He may not yet have found what he loves to do. Why does he have to be punished for that? Unless you have tried *every* activity that exists in this world, I’d say maybe the reason he hasn’t found what he likes yet is *your* fault and *you* should be facing the natural consequences for that— i.e., exactly what you have right now.

If you see how stupid this all is, maybe you can finally focus on what really matters. If your son kind to his friends? Does he respect others and their time? Does he complete assignments and give it his best effort? Goodness, lady.

[Anonymous]

Take the money you would spend on his sport and take him somewhere. Why not? Because it isn't tied to him doing something? Your attention shouldn't depend on him doing something. Your attention is because you love him and he is your child. My kid quit all sports and we just continued on with out little trips. Instead of a fencing tournament, we'd go hiking in Harper's Ferry instead and go out to eat in Frederick.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would do a trip on the condition that DS plan the trip around some event or activity that he researches and plans. So if he wants to go to LA, he has to have a reason for it, not just to visit the city. It can be a play, art exhibit, food destination, convention, etc., but he has to find it and figure out things like dates.

[Anonymous]

So you only pay for kids who show effort. No effort kids get nada. Yeah, start saving for therapy.

[Anonymous]

This post is super weird. I take my teen son on trips that are unrelated to his extracurricular activities. He and I have zero common activity interests (though I love the kid dearly), so if we only took trips tailored to his extracurriculars, it would not be interesting for me. There are plenty of things we both like (e.g. we took a trip to New York to visit Ellis Island).

[Anonymous]

Are you are comparing and punishing one of your kids, OP. Shudder. I had a parent like you and I went no contact as an adult. Please reconsider your approach.