Low effort teen feeling left out

[Anonymous]

I have three kids; 15, 15, 12.

G15 and B12 are very active, driven kids who have excelled in their sports of interests which means they’re spending their summer traveling for events.

G15 has made it to Nationals for gymnastics and therefor has had some one on one time with me when we travel for competitions. B12 is in travel soccer and usually DH takes him to his games almost every weekend.

B15 is feeling left out and is demanding a one on one vacation with us. We do one on one activities with him (he’s spent a weekend camping with Dad, many days with just me) but he wants us to take him out of state for a special trip like his siblings.

We’ve explained these are for sporting events and not vacation (although we do some fun things and site seeing).

It feels like B15 is jealous his siblings are busy with various events due to their extracurricular activities but he has always refused to put forth effort with anything and has always just barely passed by.

I feel like it’s a natural consequence that he’s missing out. Is this cruel? We aren’t intentionally holding him back but he refused to stick with any sport or instrument and now he’s seeing the payoff with his siblings who have…

[Anonymous]

Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

[Anonymous]

I definitely think it is cruel. Accept him for who he is. Take him on a trip to a place where there is something that interests him.

[Anonymous]

Your teen child is asking to spend more time with you. That in itself is the reason to do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your teen child is asking to spend more time with you. That in itself is the reason to do it!

He does spend more time with us. What he is requesting is an expensive trip tailored to his specific wants just because his siblings got to go out of state for sports reasons.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely take him on a trip if you have the money.

[Anonymous]

You’re one of those parents who thinks sports are everything. You probably brag a lot too about gymnastics and whatever the other sport is. You call it driven. What it actually is for them is a lot of fun and an activity they love.

Stop ignoring the one who isn’t “sporty” and take him on a solo vacation. What is wrong with you that you can’t understand how he feels?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think it is cruel. Accept him for who he is. Take him on a trip to a place where there is something that interests him.

Yes. DH takes him camping. I take him with me to visit family. He is specifically requesting a trip solo to LA just for fun. Sans siblings. His reasoning is “sister and brother got to go to Chicago & Miami but that was for sports. If we go to LA or another big trip we’d go as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re one of those parents who thinks sports are everything. You probably brag a lot too about gymnastics and whatever the other sport is. You call it driven. What it actually is for them is a lot of fun and an activity they love.

Stop ignoring the one who isn’t “sporty” and take him on a solo vacation. What is wrong with you that you can’t understand how he feels?

And we paid $$$$ for him to play various instruments and sent him to theater camp only for him to quit as soon as he had to put forth effort.

Hello, I’m the least athletic person to exist. I’d love for him to have any hobby or interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think it is cruel. Accept him for who he is. Take him on a trip to a place where there is something that interests him.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think it is cruel. Accept him for who he is. Take him on a trip to a place where there is something that interests him.

Yes. DH takes him camping. I take him with me to visit family. He is specifically requesting a trip solo to LA just for fun. Sans siblings. His reasoning is “sister and brother got to go to Chicago & Miami but that was for sports. If we go to LA or another big trip we’d go as a family.

He is correct. Why wouldn’t you do this?

[Anonymous]

You are cruel. Indulge your son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

So he’s not into extracurricular activities. So what. How are his grades? That’s what really matters, that he’s doing the best he can. How is he not motivated? At 16 he can get a part time job, get his license, maybe find some interests his mom doesn’t sign him up for.

[Anonymous]

"Sorry, son, you're not a winner like your siblings. If, and only if, you live up to our standards, we'll spend special time with you."