Low effort teen feeling left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

Sounds like ADHD. I doubt he was born "lazy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

Sounds like ADHD. I doubt he was born "lazy."

NP - ok, if so, in addition to acceptance, any other strategies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn’t do much. He reads, has a summer job, hangs out with friends, cooks occasionally. During the school year, he does his homework, his chores, reads, etc. Why is being busy all of the time considered the default and anyone who strays from it must be depressed or doing drugs?

+1


I also have a 15 yo boy and would never cross my imagination to ask the pediatrician why he doesn’t have “drive” just because he is not busy all the time or not in a structured extracurricular.

Yeah, OP I'm not hearing you say he's slacking off in school. Also sounds like you can afford the trip.

The above was me as a teen - I was a good student who did well in school. I had a nice group of friends who I hung out with - we were good kids, no drinking, etc. I had summer jobs and, as an older teen, part-time jobs during the school year. I read a lot, and enjoyed writing in a journal. I played zero sports (totally nonathletic) and did nothing musical or theatre-related (totally tone deaf). I don't remember being in any clubs in high school, although I did do volunteer work. I enjoyed high school.

I enjoyed college as well. I'm happily married with two great kids. I have a career I enjoy that affords me lots of balance. As an adult I still don't really have any hobbies. I still love to read. I'm a good friend to my small, but close, group I've cultivated.

Funny thread because I'm in the middle of planning a mother-daughter trip with my tween right now. The reason for the trip? Just to spend time together!!

Obviously we don't have to say yes to everything our kids ask for your. But your reason for saying no is to punish him for not being "driven" enough? How gross!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

And any sane person would laugh in your face for equating spending money on a child for a medical or developmental issue to funding an expensive hobby the child wants to pursue.

But the kid doesn’t have a hobby. They just look at what others do and whine.

You mean he doesn’t have a hobby that op deems worthy. Camping and travel are both legitimate hobbies (and ones that are far more likely to be sustained in adulthood than gymnastics).

i think travel is really a hobby for adults. A kid can't just do their own travel thing, they get taken where the parents choose to go. So no, I don't think a 15 year old's hobby can be travel. Also there's no indication that the kid has a particular love of travel. They just feel hard done by and want to go on a trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

If your kid compared treatment for a speech impediment with fun travel, you should shut it down. If your kid points out money spent on sports, you should stop to think about it rather than be so defensive. The fact you have to go a medical/health expenses shows how pathetic responses are - you can’t even compare like items.

My stance is that children should not be pointing out expense and demanding money at all. About anything.

Lack of self reflection. Good luck to you when you are old and infirm.

If my kids were demanding money all the time, I would have plenty of money when old and infirm, because I wouldn't be planning on leaving any to such ingrates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

So, what does he do all day? I mean he exists in the same temporal field as the rest of us. He must be doing something. What does he do?

Probably video games and masturbation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe hes not into sports. Why not do something different at his request? Sounds like he would show motivation for it.

We’ve done it all. Sports, multiple instruments, robotics club, dance, theater, D&D and gaming clubs…. Anything to get this kid motivated.

We’ve realized he’s just lazy. Yes. We are talking to his pediatrician and we’ve discussed depression but he’s been like this since he was very young. No, we never label him as lazy to him or his siblings but in the end he’s the type of kid who just will not stick with anything or put forth effort. We love him for who he is, absolutely… but I don’t feel like we are seeing some natural consequences and that may be a good thing for him?

Sounds like ADHD. I doubt he was born "lazy."

NP - ok, if so, in addition to acceptance, any other strategies?

Strategies for what? Seeing and accepting your child who he is?

[Anonymous]

Children deserve equal investment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s parents were very similar to OP and in his early teen years wrote him off as the lazy one/goof off and used that to justify devoting far more time and resources to his siblings.

They’re now mystified as to why we maintain an arms length relationship with them and they rarely see their grandkids.

+1
My parents were like this with me. When they express confusion as to why I don't want to visit all the time - I tell them that I know I'm their least favorite children and all their actions past and present serve to retell me that message. It makes then dad- and I'm sorry for that - I was sad my whole upbringing and it was all within their control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if this kid ends up at a state college and his sibling attends a private school. Should you be writing him a check to even it out?

Say yes to a weekend away, but not LA.

They should absolutely make it equal. I have 529s that are approximately equal for each kid. One will likely earn a full ride and the remainder is hers to keep. I told all my kids the same.

The scenario you described happened in DHs family. They sent the "boys" to a fancy private school and the "girl" to a public school. Then his parents have the audacity to make her feel bad about not being as successful. DH toes the family line "well, she just wasn't as gifted". I tell SIL "your parents are sexist a-holes who think I should stay home and raise kids too, despite my prestigious PhD". OP isn't discriminating on gender but on personality and the consequences will be the same - life long psychological damage and a distant fractured relationship with their son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children deserve equal investment

To each according to their needs and abilities.

[Anonymous]

no to the above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take him to LA or out of state but would consider a day trip or something local with him.

I woukd jump at the opportunity to spend time with my teen but wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated.

I would turn it around and point out how unfair to his siblings it would be if I took him on a trip and didn't take the rest of the family.

Ask him what he's interested? Maybe he likes anime, take him to an anime conference. Maybe he likes tech, take him to a tech event. Please do something surrounding his interest. I have a kid who likes collecting shark teeth. Do that with him.

“Manipulated.” Some of you have shockingly poor emotional skills.

If I travel for work is my spouse entitled to a trip because I got to go?

Travel sports or travel to academic events are no different than work travel imo. This kid deserves one on one time but doesn't get arbitrary travel.

That’s right because he hasn’t “earned” it. How sad that only kids who produce for their parents get money spent on them.

Oh come on, it really isn’t typical for a family to take one kid on a vacation somewhere and leave siblings at home. Demanding that is just being a spoiled brat. Trips with a parent for contests are different.

Every time one of these parent takes a kid on a trip out of state and pays for their hotel, food, sports stuff, it is a one-on-one mini trip. Add these up and these two other kids are getting time and money spent on them. The other kids gets nothing because he doesn’t want to do these sports. No wonder he’s asking for a similar trip.

But it’s not a similar trip. And this comparing how much money has been spent on each kid would absolutely not fly with me. I’d shut it down with a quickness. One of my kids has a speech impediment and we have spent thousands trying to fix it. If my other kid asked for monetary compensation to equal this spend, I’d laugh in their face. They don’t have the impediment—that’s their “reward.”

And any sane person would laugh in your face for equating spending money on a child for a medical or developmental issue to funding an expensive hobby the child wants to pursue.

But the kid doesn’t have a hobby. They just look at what others do and whine.

You mean he doesn’t have a hobby that op deems worthy. Camping and travel are both legitimate hobbies (and ones that are far more likely to be sustained in adulthood than gymnastics).

i think travel is really a hobby for adults. A kid can't just do their own travel thing, they get taken where the parents choose to go. So no, I don't think a 15 year old's hobby can be travel. Also there's no indication that the kid has a particular love of travel. They just feel hard done by and want to go on a trip.

Yeah, this is like my 5 year old, who would like to have a "buying new toys" hobby (if asked an open-ended "what would you like to do today?" question, this would be the answer). I love to travel too, but I don't think "spending money" is a hobby parents need to support.

[Anonymous]

Maybe his hobby is travel. Support his desire to go on a one-on-one trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Travel sports aren’t a necessary evil. Sounds like drank the Kool Aid. If these parents are spending all of this money on 2/3 kids, it shouldn’t surprise them when the third notices this. If a trip to LA is too much financially, let the kid know and make plans for a trip that is more reasonable.

Agree. Travel sports are because those kids are interested in travel sports. Why can’t the other kid travel to see something of interest.

My son 14 is always finding interesting things to go see. We indulge. Is interests are not typical, but that’s OK. I want him to go see things he is interested in just as his younger sister loves her travel sports team as much as I could live with it. They have different interests.