My kid witnessed another playdate - awkward - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FYI that I would not invite your child to anything in the future after the text you sent. You’re going to ruin things for your daughter for the rest of her school career unless you cut this out.

This. You reputation will proceed you and your kid won't be invited to much if you don't calm the crazy. No one will want to deal with the crazy mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI that I would not invite your child to anything in the future after the text you sent. You’re going to ruin things for your daughter for the rest of her school career unless you cut this out.

This. You reputation will proceed you and your kid won't be invited to much if you don't calm the crazy. No one will want to deal with the crazy mom.

^precede

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was trying to advocate for my kid. She spent the afternoon alone crying while three friends were off having fun; how is that in any way fair? I am on the fence with how to respond to this girl's mother. She just responded with a "heart" emoji on my text and said, "I'm sorry she felt left out. Three kids is my max for playdate supervision. Hope we can see you soon." Not even an invite or any kind of ownership of the behavior.
Maybe I am being insecure or irrational but seeing your kid in tears, left out, visibly, hurts.

DUDE. That’s a reasonable explanation. And a much nicer response than I would have given you.

Could also be because of room in her car, or at her table, or yes, 4 kids is a lot - that’s a freaking party, not a play date where you can relax while they destroy the basement.

I get it - I have a highly sensitive daughter and take her social hurts way too personally, but whooaaah man, you did not play that cool.

[Anonymous]

My daughter made fast friends with two little girls in kindergarten who seemed very sweet. I also liked their moms. As time went on, though, I came to realize that the moms were WAY oversensitive about things. They would describe themselves as "heartbroken" if their daughters reported a child in the class calling them "smelly" or some similar slight. And then they would offer each other all kinds of support over the horrors of that injustice and call to check on the child etc etc. I couldn't watch all that drama unfold. Also, neither mom EVER thinks her daughter is at fault for anything. Guess who doesn't get invited to anything anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was trying to advocate for my kid. She spent the afternoon alone crying while three friends were off having fun; how is that in any way fair? I am on the fence with how to respond to this girl's mother. She just responded with a "heart" emoji on my text and said, "I'm sorry she felt left out. Three kids is my max for playdate supervision. Hope we can see you soon." Not even an invite or any kind of ownership of the behavior.
Maybe I am being insecure or irrational but seeing your kid in tears, left out, visibly, hurts.

This person is not your friend OP.

First the silly deflection and changing the topic nonsense with DD.

Now, the "I'm sorry she felt left out." which is putting it all on your daughter. No ownership at all.

A nicer person, a friend, would have said,

"I am sorry she was sad and that we could not include her today. Three kids is my max for playdate supervision. Hope we can plan something soon."

FWIW it's worth, I have a boy. The local playground is the boys' gathering spot, thank goodness!

How is “I’m sorry she felt left out,” any meaner than “I’m sorry she was sad”? Sadness is a feeling; in fact, it is the very emotion OP’s dd had because she was not included. You think your phrasing is kinder but that’s all in your head. The other mom’s message and yours are the same, using slightly different words. Saying “she was sad” is putting this on the child exactly the same as saying “she felt left out.”

[Anonymous]

OP, you should try and salvage your reputation and apologize to the mom you tried to blame for your parental shortcomings. "Julie, I'm sorry. With a little distance, I realize I was way out of line. I'm sorry to laying my parental anxieties on you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's incredibly hurt, so I did send the mom a text (I do know her, it's not like I am a random parent she has never met before) saying that my DD was hurt that she couldn't have been included in the playdate, it was hard to watch the girls walk off without her, and next time, could she also join in. I was very kind about it but trying to advocate for my daughter.

This was not the right thing to do.
I get that you and your DD feel hurt. I would too.
Why should the other mom have an extra kid she wasn’t planning on having though?
Maybe she can’t fit 4 kids in her car?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was trying to advocate for my kid. She spent the afternoon alone crying while three friends were off having fun; how is that in any way fair? I am on the fence with how to respond to this girl's mother. She just responded with a "heart" emoji on my text and said, "I'm sorry she felt left out. Three kids is my max for playdate supervision. Hope we can see you soon." Not even an invite or any kind of ownership of the behavior.
Maybe I am being insecure or irrational but seeing your kid in tears, left out, visibly, hurts.

There will be other playdates where other people aren't included. There will be parties that people won't invited to. There will be colleges that she won't get into. That's the way life is. You need to help her reframe her negative thinking into something positive. Ie. she needs to be able to say "That's a bummer! I can go home and do X, though, and that will be fun, and I can play with Larla on another day."

Not entirely sure how you let her wallow in her room for an entire afternoon. You should have been helping her find alternative activities besides wallowing, and then helped her plan another playdate later.

When this happens to my daughter, I remind her that she plans and is invited to activities and parties that don’t include everyone, and that’s okay - so it’s okay for other kids to do the same. And it’s fine to be a little sad she was left out, but not to take it personally and have it ruin her whole day.

If it’s a situation that happens repeatedly with the same friend, then I suggest she see who DOES want to hang out with her and get to know those people.

I’m sure there aren’t only four girls in OP’s DD’s class….

[Anonymous]

Oh no! She witnessed a playdate she wasn't invited to! The horror! Is this a real post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter made fast friends with two little girls in kindergarten who seemed very sweet. I also liked their moms. As time went on, though, I came to realize that the moms were WAY oversensitive about things. They would describe themselves as "heartbroken" if their daughters reported a child in the class calling them "smelly" or some similar slight. And then they would offer each other all kinds of support over the horrors of that injustice and call to check on the child etc etc. I couldn't watch all that drama unfold. Also, neither mom EVER thinks her daughter is at fault for anything. Guess who doesn't get invited to anything anymore?

And sometimes it gets worse. I have a friend who overreacted anytime her daughter complained of any perceived slight. She and her husband met with the Principal of the elementary school multiple times to complain about "bullying" and why their child wasn't happier in school, and why the teachers weren't engaging her more. Meanwhile I told them I'd noticed some red flags in reading and attention, and that they should have her evaluated. The teachers also strongly suggested an evaluation, but my friend and husband faulted the teachers for not understanding their daughter, and basically called them racist. Then in middle school, my friend pulled her kid out of school to homeschool her, because apparently no one could understand her child, and the other kids were not including her.

Turns out this kid was and is dyslexic, with ADHD. She requested the evaluation herself at 18. Sadly, she's not going to college. My friend and husband have hinted they have major regrets. Parents who willfully blind themselves to other people's suggestions and advice really end up hurting their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should try and salvage your reputation and apologize to the mom you tried to blame for your parental shortcomings. "Julie, I'm sorry. With a little distance, I realize I was way out of line. I'm sorry to laying my parental anxieties on you."

+1
This is what OP should do next. It might help the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's incredibly hurt, so I did send the mom a text (I do know her, it's not like I am a random parent she has never met before) saying that my DD was hurt that she couldn't have been included in the playdate, it was hard to watch the girls walk off without her, and next time, could she also join in. I was very kind about it but trying to advocate for my daughter.

Ugh! No no no no. Very poor judgement. You need to not act this way. No one wants to be friends with someone who does this. You need to let this go and do so in the future.

[Anonymous]

OP can play the fool all she wants for herself, but the real damage comes when daughter stops telling her mother about any of her concerns, no matter how serious, because she's afraid of mom's humiliating overreactions that make everything much worse.

[Anonymous]

Pro tip for OP: Never send a written message to someone when you’re still in an agitated state. Wait until you’ve cooled off and then re-read the message with a critical eye. Think beyond what you want to say and say only what the recipient needs to hear. The most important thing is to keep your objective in mind and to think about whether your message will further that goal.

[Anonymous]

Extremely narcissistic behavior or assume that other children only exist to be your daughter's entertainment.