My kid witnessed another playdate - awkward - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being nutty. Not everyone can be invited to everything!! It doesn’t mean the other kid isn’t your kid’s friend.

I will explain to you what I taught my kid in elementary. Friendships work in concentric circles. You have some in your inner circle — your BFFs. Then, you have another ring of friends that you really like and enjoy their company. Then you have a ring of acquaintances, whom you generally like and can be friendly with. You keep working outwards. People can move in and out of the circles over time. For example, two girls my daughter considered BFFs sort of dropped her early in the year. She was a little sad, but pivoted to moving some of the next circle into the BFF circle. She considered the old BFFs in the third circle, more like acquaintances. But she understood not to burn it down with them. Then, there was a field trip and due to circumstances, the old BFFs are not somewhere between the first and second ring. ALL OF THIS IS FINE. And lots of kids take their cues from their parents. You need to not act like this is a big deal.

This 100%.

She cannot make it to BFF status, or mother's inner circle, if you act looney or set your DD up to act weird. play it coollllll. tell daughter to play it cool too

[Anonymous]

You're all missing the real problem which is that she feels this other mom is edging her out.
My kids school is filled with these mom pairs. The moms are best friends and the kids are best friends. They vacation together, throw joint parties, and you can't befriend one without the other. OP thought she had this situation and it is hitting her that she doesnt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're all missing the real problem which is that she feels this other mom is edging her out.
My kids school is filled with these mom pairs. The moms are best friends and the kids are best friends. They vacation together, throw joint parties, and you can't befriend one without the other. OP thought she had this situation and it is hitting her that she doesnt.

But is there something inherently wrong with this? Moms can also have close friends who they spend more time with (and by extension, their families spend more time together). Sure there are some cliquey snooty moms who have bad intentions. But most people have good intentions but only so much time ad they prioritize spending that time with friends that they and their family enjoy.

In this situation, it sounds like the other mom was perfectly polite about it. OP is centering herself and her daughter in someone else's life in a way that most people mature past by the end of high school. It's not personal.

[Anonymous]

She had something planned with other friends. In no world is she or the mom obligated (morally or otherwise) to invite your daughter on the spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone report this thread as a potential troll? My goodness, this is too looney tunes to be real, right?

I think it is well established that DCUM is crowdsourced satire. The post is hilarious and the "hot takes" siding with OP are fantastic. Now I'm off to Starbucks with all of my neighbors except one, so we can figure out which of our DDs' friends to accidentally forget to invite to the park today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few years ago, my daughter was the only girl in a class of 12 girls not invited to a classmate's birthday party. My daughter's 2 best friends were invited to the party and I was friendly with the mom, so I saw all her posts bout it on social media and my daughter her about it from her friends. She was bummed that she was invited, but we had a talk about how they weren't really close friends, she's not always going to be invited to everything, it's totally fine. Other moms texted me to be like "that mom is just awful to let her child exclude just one girl" and I said the same thing to them "it's fine, they're not close, I'm happy she has good friends in your daughters" and just let it go. Which is what you should do. Life goes on. Friends change. Deal with it.

I have no tolerance for this kind of ignorance. This happened to my daughter’s friend in the fifth grade. My daughter chose to spend the day with her friend who was not invited.

[Anonymous]

No one is rude for keeping their plans as-is. It’s weird that you haven’t learned that by now. The hosting mother was kind and engaging to your daughter. You seriously need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

I feel so sorry for the kid. I just hope the school provide support in social skills because otherwise OP will destroy the kids social life fully if she doesn’t realize his wrong she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're all missing the real problem which is that she feels this other mom is edging her out.
My kids school is filled with these mom pairs. The moms are best friends and the kids are best friends. They vacation together, throw joint parties, and you can't befriend one without the other. OP thought she had this situation and it is hitting her that she doesnt.

Yes, OP is acting like a middle schooler. The friendships should belong to the children, not the mothers. This is why I've never bothered to make "mom friends", life is so much easier this way. I have my own friends, my child has her own friends, no mommy drama.

[Anonymous]

Also, the solution is to 100% invite kids over for your own playdates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't people be authentic and honest about their feelings, though? There is a LOT we feel but never say -- and maybe life would be a bit easier if we did say it.

Feelings are important and should be expressed but there not always an accurate reflection of what is going on in a situation. OP likely felt left out of friend groups as a child and was overly triggered by this harmless exchange. Also, this was a perfect opposition to let her kid have feelings, listen to them, process them, and develop resiliency.

In other words, take your feelings to your therapists so you don’t pass them down to your children.

[Anonymous]

They had plans and that is fine. Tell your daughter that. And, more importantly, you can't control other people. Sometimes they make plans without you and for some people, inclusivity is not a big deal.

You can only behave in the way that feels right to you. If being inclusive is a priority, be inclusive. I was always very inclusive when my kids were little. My kids are teens now and they see this behavior in classmates (and their moms) and comment that its a showing of poor manners/values. So it all comes out later. For now, just explain without putting those people down.

[Anonymous]

I remember when this one girl said we were having a playdate after school. then after school she ran away from me and I chased her and she ignored me and got into another girls parents car. still hurts. we were 8. oh well

[Anonymous]

I am an immigrant and this kind of exclusion is just not tolerated in my community. Understanding that this kind of exclusion is categorized as "character building" among Americans - I made sure that we had a pretty extensive and solid network of like-minded parents who thought like us.

I did not have a limit to how many kids would come to my house for a play date. Actually, there was no concept of a "play date" because, any kid who played in a respectful and friendly way was welcome at our house. I made sure that food/snacks was available to all, I checked with parents to let them know that their kids were at our house, what food allergies did they have and what time they would be picked up. I knew every parent well, and I made sure that I had spent time with the parents at my home (served them coffee and cookies) before I would let anyone's kid come to my house. The neighborhood kids? I made sure that their parents picked them up or I walked them home myself.

Socializing was a pretty huge part of our parenting philosophy. It also required our time, energy and resources to always be hosting - but we did not mind that. My kids are in college now. Their friends still congregate at our house during college breaks to hang out. They have also learned how to be good, inclusive hosts.

I am glad that I had some good strategies in place to not have my kids feel excluded (even if they have got excluded without their knowledge) and they always were friends with kids whose parents had similar parenting philosophy as mine. My kids had a good group of friends, they had a full life that they were not desperate or entitled to feel that someone must include them. They never had to face exclusion. They knew that they could arrange to have their own parties and playtime - and include everyone - and they did this through childhood, K-12, college, jobs etc.

Frankly, please take control of your social life and your kids emotional health. If your kid is getting excluded, then you must find alternate avenues to keep your kid entertained and engaged. Be the house that everyone feels welcome in and include everyone. Also, encourage your kids to have multiple circles of friends (not concentric circles), that your kid can float between and also do the job of introducing people to each other.

[Anonymous]

I think inclusive behavior should be commonplace at this age. Invite the whole class to the birthday party; include as many as possible on the playdate. Look for opportunities to connect, not shun. Reach out to the shy person. Have an open-door policy when feasible. Good lord. Our world is mean enough already.