My kid witnessed another playdate - awkward - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few years ago, my daughter was the only girl in a class of 12 girls not invited to a classmate's birthday party. My daughter's 2 best friends were invited to the party and I was friendly with the mom, so I saw all her posts bout it on social media and my daughter her about it from her friends. She was bummed that she was invited, but we had a talk about how they weren't really close friends, she's not always going to be invited to everything, it's totally fine. Other moms texted me to be like "that mom is just awful to let her child exclude just one girl" and I said the same thing to them "it's fine, they're not close, I'm happy she has good friends in your daughters" and just let it go. Which is what you should do. Life goes on. Friends change. Deal with it.

I think you are doing your DD a great service by being calm about it. Good for you

I had a party last year and didn’t invite a girl not knowing she was a girl. I went by the class list and her name sounded like a boy’s. I didn’t mean to exclude her.

Another year, I had my son incite all the boys in his class even the ones he doesn’t talk to at all. One boy’s mom never opened the Evite and I didn’t follow up. I was at school the day after the party and saw the boy and said we missed him at the party. His eyes lit up realizing he was invited. I will never forget that.

My daughter wasn’t invite to two parties of girls in her class. Other friends assumed she would have been invited. One girl was mean about it. Other girl she just doesn’t know. I told her that she is not close friends with both girls and we never even had a play date with either. I know she felt bad but she moved on.

I don't know why you're trying to make excuses for excluding people but my daughter was the only girl in her class NOT invited to the party. It wasn't a mistake, oversight, or missed invitation. She flat out wasn't invited.

[Anonymous]

As someone whose mom took it VERY personally anytime I was not invited on a playdate/party/event as a child I would try to let it roll off your back as much as possible. If your daughter sees you escalating the situation she is going to develop a complex that every time she is not included or invited its a personal attack (which it often is not). I would let this blow over and remain as unphased as possible. I'm sure your daughter is upset but this is not going to be the last time people do stuff without her (friends or not) and learning how to cope with that and not making it a huge event is going to save her tears in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT text the mom. You are coming across very insecure and frankly, psycho. Invite the girls out for a playdate next time.

This. If you are feeling excluded just start offering more meetups and playdates. DO NOT TEXT.

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT text the mom. You are coming across very insecure and frankly, psycho. Invite the girls out for a playdate next time.

This. If you are feeling excluded just start offering more meetups and playdates. DO NOT TEXT.

How old are the kids?

Have you actually read the thread? You're a bit late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant and this kind of exclusion is just not tolerated in my community. Understanding that this kind of exclusion is categorized as "character building" among Americans - I made sure that we had a pretty extensive and solid network of like-minded parents who thought like us.

I did not have a limit to how many kids would come to my house for a play date. Actually, there was no concept of a "play date" because, any kid who played in a respectful and friendly way was welcome at our house. I made sure that food/snacks was available to all, I checked with parents to let them know that their kids were at our house, what food allergies did they have and what time they would be picked up. I knew every parent well, and I made sure that I had spent time with the parents at my home (served them coffee and cookies) before I would let anyone's kid come to my house. The neighborhood kids? I made sure that their parents picked them up or I walked them home myself.

Socializing was a pretty huge part of our parenting philosophy. It also required our time, energy and resources to always be hosting - but we did not mind that. My kids are in college now. Their friends still congregate at our house during college breaks to hang out. They have also learned how to be good, inclusive hosts.

I am glad that I had some good strategies in place to not have my kids feel excluded (even if they have got excluded without their knowledge) and they always were friends with kids whose parents had similar parenting philosophy as mine. My kids had a good group of friends, they had a full life that they were not desperate or entitled to feel that someone must include them. They never had to face exclusion. They knew that they could arrange to have their own parties and playtime - and include everyone - and they did this through childhood, K-12, college, jobs etc.

Frankly, please take control of your social life and your kids emotional health. If your kid is getting excluded, then you must find alternate avenues to keep your kid entertained and engaged. Be the house that everyone feels welcome in and include everyone. Also, encourage your kids to have multiple circles of friends (not concentric circles), that your kid can float between and also do the job of introducing people to each other.

I really miss Jeff’s daily writeups of the “viral” threads - this one would have been included for sure, and he would be able to tell us how the OP made several posts to respond to and agree with herself.

[Anonymous]

This seems like a troll post to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant and this kind of exclusion is just not tolerated in my community. Understanding that this kind of exclusion is categorized as "character building" among Americans - I made sure that we had a pretty extensive and solid network of like-minded parents who thought like us.

I did not have a limit to how many kids would come to my house for a play date. Actually, there was no concept of a "play date" because, any kid who played in a respectful and friendly way was welcome at our house. I made sure that food/snacks was available to all, I checked with parents to let them know that their kids were at our house, what food allergies did they have and what time they would be picked up. I knew every parent well, and I made sure that I had spent time with the parents at my home (served them coffee and cookies) before I would let anyone's kid come to my house. The neighborhood kids? I made sure that their parents picked them up or I walked them home myself.

Socializing was a pretty huge part of our parenting philosophy. It also required our time, energy and resources to always be hosting - but we did not mind that. My kids are in college now. Their friends still congregate at our house during college breaks to hang out. They have also learned how to be good, inclusive hosts.

I am glad that I had some good strategies in place to not have my kids feel excluded (even if they have got excluded without their knowledge) and they always were friends with kids whose parents had similar parenting philosophy as mine. My kids had a good group of friends, they had a full life that they were not desperate or entitled to feel that someone must include them. They never had to face exclusion. They knew that they could arrange to have their own parties and playtime - and include everyone - and they did this through childhood, K-12, college, jobs etc.

Frankly, please take control of your social life and your kids emotional health. If your kid is getting excluded, then you must find alternate avenues to keep your kid entertained and engaged. Be the house that everyone feels welcome in and include everyone. Also, encourage your kids to have multiple circles of friends (not concentric circles), that your kid can float between and also do the job of introducing people to each other.

I really miss Jeff’s daily writeups of the “viral” threads - this one would have been included for sure, and he would be able to tell us how the OP made several posts to respond to and agree with herself.

I didn't realize he doesn't do those anymore. Wow, his posts sure took a turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant and this kind of exclusion is just not tolerated in my community. Understanding that this kind of exclusion is categorized as "character building" among Americans - I made sure that we had a pretty extensive and solid network of like-minded parents who thought like us.

I did not have a limit to how many kids would come to my house for a play date. Actually, there was no concept of a "play date" because, any kid who played in a respectful and friendly way was welcome at our house. I made sure that food/snacks was available to all, I checked with parents to let them know that their kids were at our house, what food allergies did they have and what time they would be picked up. I knew every parent well, and I made sure that I had spent time with the parents at my home (served them coffee and cookies) before I would let anyone's kid come to my house. The neighborhood kids? I made sure that their parents picked them up or I walked them home myself.

Socializing was a pretty huge part of our parenting philosophy. It also required our time, energy and resources to always be hosting - but we did not mind that. My kids are in college now. Their friends still congregate at our house during college breaks to hang out. They have also learned how to be good, inclusive hosts.

I am glad that I had some good strategies in place to not have my kids feel excluded (even if they have got excluded without their knowledge) and they always were friends with kids whose parents had similar parenting philosophy as mine. My kids had a good group of friends, they had a full life that they were not desperate or entitled to feel that someone must include them. They never had to face exclusion. They knew that they could arrange to have their own parties and playtime - and include everyone - and they did this through childhood, K-12, college, jobs etc.

Frankly, please take control of your social life and your kids emotional health. If your kid is getting excluded, then you must find alternate avenues to keep your kid entertained and engaged. Be the house that everyone feels welcome in and include everyone. Also, encourage your kids to have multiple circles of friends (not concentric circles), that your kid can float between and also do the job of introducing people to each other.

I really miss Jeff’s daily writeups of the “viral” threads - this one would have been included for sure, and he would be able to tell us how the OP made several posts to respond to and agree with herself.

I didn't realize he doesn't do those anymore. Wow, his posts sure took a turn.

So did the country.

Even more than Elon—who merely bought his fascist outlet—Jeff built his platform, and he gets to do what he wants with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few years ago, my daughter was the only girl in a class of 12 girls not invited to a classmate's birthday party. My daughter's 2 best friends were invited to the party and I was friendly with the mom, so I saw all her posts bout it on social media and my daughter her about it from her friends. She was bummed that she was invited, but we had a talk about how they weren't really close friends, she's not always going to be invited to everything, it's totally fine. Other moms texted me to be like "that mom is just awful to let her child exclude just one girl" and I said the same thing to them "it's fine, they're not close, I'm happy she has good friends in your daughters" and just let it go. Which is what you should do. Life goes on. Friends change. Deal with it.

I think you are doing your DD a great service by being calm about it. Good for you

I had a party last year and didn’t invite a girl not knowing she was a girl. I went by the class list and her name sounded like a boy’s. I didn’t mean to exclude her.

Another year, I had my son incite all the boys in his class even the ones he doesn’t talk to at all. One boy’s mom never opened the Evite and I didn’t follow up. I was at school the day after the party and saw the boy and said we missed him at the party. His eyes lit up realizing he was invited. I will never forget that.

My daughter wasn’t invite to two parties of girls in her class. Other friends assumed she would have been invited. One girl was mean about it. Other girl she just doesn’t know. I told her that she is not close friends with both girls and we never even had a play date with either. I know she felt bad but she moved on.

I don't know why you're trying to make excuses for excluding people but my daughter was the only girl in her class NOT invited to the party. It wasn't a mistake, oversight, or missed invitation. She flat out wasn't invited.

I didn’t exclude anyone. The name of the girl sounded like a boy’s name. Think a name like James or Carter. I invited all the girls in the class except the girl with a boy’s name.

There was another year where my daughter did not want to invite one girl who was not kind to her. I still invited her. Fortunately the girl was unavailable and didn’t come to the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant and this kind of exclusion is just not tolerated in my community. Understanding that this kind of exclusion is categorized as "character building" among Americans - I made sure that we had a pretty extensive and solid network of like-minded parents who thought like us.

I did not have a limit to how many kids would come to my house for a play date. Actually, there was no concept of a "play date" because, any kid who played in a respectful and friendly way was welcome at our house. I made sure that food/snacks was available to all, I checked with parents to let them know that their kids were at our house, what food allergies did they have and what time they would be picked up. I knew every parent well, and I made sure that I had spent time with the parents at my home (served them coffee and cookies) before I would let anyone's kid come to my house. The neighborhood kids? I made sure that their parents picked them up or I walked them home myself.

Socializing was a pretty huge part of our parenting philosophy. It also required our time, energy and resources to always be hosting - but we did not mind that. My kids are in college now. Their friends still congregate at our house during college breaks to hang out. They have also learned how to be good, inclusive hosts.

I am glad that I had some good strategies in place to not have my kids feel excluded (even if they have got excluded without their knowledge) and they always were friends with kids whose parents had similar parenting philosophy as mine. My kids had a good group of friends, they had a full life that they were not desperate or entitled to feel that someone must include them. They never had to face exclusion. They knew that they could arrange to have their own parties and playtime - and include everyone - and they did this through childhood, K-12, college, jobs etc.

Frankly, please take control of your social life and your kids emotional health. If your kid is getting excluded, then you must find alternate avenues to keep your kid entertained and engaged. Be the house that everyone feels welcome in and include everyone. Also, encourage your kids to have multiple circles of friends (not concentric circles), that your kid can float between and also do the job of introducing people to each other.

I really miss Jeff’s daily writeups of the “viral” threads - this one would have been included for sure, and he would be able to tell us how the OP made several posts to respond to and agree with herself.

I didn't realize he doesn't do those anymore. Wow, his posts sure took a turn.

I don’t always read his blogs but yeah, definitely took a turn for a parenting forum.

[Anonymous]

With regard to not opening evites, my daughter recently gave her friend my email address but left out a number. She asked me if I got the evite and I hadn’t and asked what email did she send.

Iif I hadn’t asked to verify the email, the evite would have sat there unopened Instead I was able to correct it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think inclusive behavior should be commonplace at this age. Invite the whole class to the birthday party; include as many as possible on the playdate. Look for opportunities to connect, not shun. Reach out to the shy person. Have an open-door policy when feasible. Good lord. Our world is mean enough already.

I know, right? If you can have a party for the class it means a lot to lonely kids. This is elementary school, not high school. Teach your child empathy. My popular daughter was surrounded by exclusive bullies and they sickened me. My not so popular son heard all about the parties that he wasn’t invited to and it was sad.

It’s such a small thing to include everyone in the class when they are young and they have a great time. An easy way to make a difference to the kid everyone ignores. And I do understand if your child has someone bullying her making her life miserable not to invite them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few years ago, my daughter was the only girl in a class of 12 girls not invited to a classmate's birthday party. My daughter's 2 best friends were invited to the party and I was friendly with the mom, so I saw all her posts bout it on social media and my daughter her about it from her friends. She was bummed that she was invited, but we had a talk about how they weren't really close friends, she's not always going to be invited to everything, it's totally fine. Other moms texted me to be like "that mom is just awful to let her child exclude just one girl" and I said the same thing to them "it's fine, they're not close, I'm happy she has good friends in your daughters" and just let it go. Which is what you should do. Life goes on. Friends change. Deal with it.

I think you are doing your DD a great service by being calm about it. Good for you

I had a party last year and didn’t invite a girl not knowing she was a girl. I went by the class list and her name sounded like a boy’s. I didn’t mean to exclude her.

Another year, I had my son incite all the boys in his class even the ones he doesn’t talk to at all. One boy’s mom never opened the Evite and I didn’t follow up. I was at school the day after the party and saw the boy and said we missed him at the party. His eyes lit up realizing he was invited. I will never forget that.

My daughter wasn’t invite to two parties of girls in her class. Other friends assumed she would have been invited. One girl was mean about it. Other girl she just doesn’t know. I told her that she is not close friends with both girls and we never even had a play date with either. I know she felt bad but she moved on.

I don't know why you're trying to make excuses for excluding people but my daughter was the only girl in her class NOT invited to the party. It wasn't a mistake, oversight, or missed invitation. She flat out wasn't invited.

I didn’t exclude anyone. The name of the girl sounded like a boy’s name. Think a name like James or Carter. I invited all the girls in the class except the girl with a boy’s name.

There was another year where my daughter did not want to invite one girl who was not kind to her. I still invited her. Fortunately the girl was unavailable and didn’t come to the party.

I just can't imagine not going through the list with my child. Even in preschool, when we had an all girls party, I did this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few years ago, my daughter was the only girl in a class of 12 girls not invited to a classmate's birthday party. My daughter's 2 best friends were invited to the party and I was friendly with the mom, so I saw all her posts bout it on social media and my daughter her about it from her friends. She was bummed that she was invited, but we had a talk about how they weren't really close friends, she's not always going to be invited to everything, it's totally fine. Other moms texted me to be like "that mom is just awful to let her child exclude just one girl" and I said the same thing to them "it's fine, they're not close, I'm happy she has good friends in your daughters" and just let it go. Which is what you should do. Life goes on. Friends change. Deal with it.

I think you are doing your DD a great service by being calm about it. Good for you

I had a party last year and didn’t invite a girl not knowing she was a girl. I went by the class list and her name sounded like a boy’s. I didn’t mean to exclude her.

Another year, I had my son incite all the boys in his class even the ones he doesn’t talk to at all. One boy’s mom never opened the Evite and I didn’t follow up. I was at school the day after the party and saw the boy and said we missed him at the party. His eyes lit up realizing he was invited. I will never forget that.

My daughter wasn’t invite to two parties of girls in her class. Other friends assumed she would have been invited. One girl was mean about it. Other girl she just doesn’t know. I told her that she is not close friends with both girls and we never even had a play date with either. I know she felt bad but she moved on.

I don't know why you're trying to make excuses for excluding people but my daughter was the only girl in her class NOT invited to the party. It wasn't a mistake, oversight, or missed invitation. She flat out wasn't invited.

I didn’t exclude anyone. The name of the girl sounded like a boy’s name. Think a name like James or Carter. I invited all the girls in the class except the girl with a boy’s name.

There was another year where my daughter did not want to invite one girl who was not kind to her. I still invited her. Fortunately the girl was unavailable and didn’t come to the party.

I just can't imagine not going through the list with my child. Even in preschool, when we had an all girls party, I did this.

It was not that big of a deal. That girl and my daughter are not friends. My daughter has never once mentioned the girl. We never did a play date with the girl before my child’s birthday or after. We invited all the girls in my child’s class and also friends from other classes, dance, neighbors. I obviously went over the list with my daughter. She did not bring up the girl either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few years ago, my daughter was the only girl in a class of 12 girls not invited to a classmate's birthday party. My daughter's 2 best friends were invited to the party and I was friendly with the mom, so I saw all her posts bout it on social media and my daughter her about it from her friends. She was bummed that she was invited, but we had a talk about how they weren't really close friends, she's not always going to be invited to everything, it's totally fine. Other moms texted me to be like "that mom is just awful to let her child exclude just one girl" and I said the same thing to them "it's fine, they're not close, I'm happy she has good friends in your daughters" and just let it go. Which is what you should do. Life goes on. Friends change. Deal with it.

I think you are doing your DD a great service by being calm about it. Good for you

I had a party last year and didn’t invite a girl not knowing she was a girl. I went by the class list and her name sounded like a boy’s. I didn’t mean to exclude her.

Another year, I had my son incite all the boys in his class even the ones he doesn’t talk to at all. One boy’s mom never opened the Evite and I didn’t follow up. I was at school the day after the party and saw the boy and said we missed him at the party. His eyes lit up realizing he was invited. I will never forget that.

My daughter wasn’t invite to two parties of girls in her class. Other friends assumed she would have been invited. One girl was mean about it. Other girl she just doesn’t know. I told her that she is not close friends with both girls and we never even had a play date with either. I know she felt bad but she moved on.

I don't know why you're trying to make excuses for excluding people but my daughter was the only girl in her class NOT invited to the party. It wasn't a mistake, oversight, or missed invitation. She flat out wasn't invited.

I didn’t exclude anyone. The name of the girl sounded like a boy’s name. Think a name like James or Carter. I invited all the girls in the class except the girl with a boy’s name.

There was another year where my daughter did not want to invite one girl who was not kind to her. I still invited her. Fortunately the girl was unavailable and didn’t come to the party.

Why didn’t you ask your child about the gender? I can imagine lots of kids with names that aren’t immediately recognizable as male/female (eg, cultures whose names you aren’t familiar with). It’s your kid’s birthday, isn’t it? Involve them.