Should I divorce my high functioning alcoholic husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's take is he alcoholic off the table for a moment.

He gets drunk every night, is not a full partner in marriage because he is drunk a significant part of his home time. He either cannot, or doesn't want to, or pretends he doesn't want to because he cannot stop getting drunk. Or let's not quibble drunk. Lets say would blow over the legal limit if breathalyzed.

How does playing sports and coaching make him a great dad? Great dads don't blow over the legal limit every day. He does some fun things with them but it's not clear how long he can do that.

Except it sounds like none of this is actually the case. He is doing, it sounds like, more than his fair share of the parenting and housework, and is never drunk around the kids. Only at night after they go to bed. It also sounds like OP is mostly upset about arguments they have after she accuses him of being a drunk. Depending on the way she is approaching that, it could set off a lot of people, especially as it sounds like there is a fair amount of more problematic drinking in their social circle. Is there other gaslighting? Or is it only around being drunk at night? It sounds like a sober, non accusatory conversation aimed at a compromise could do a lot here. Maybe schedule that? Jumping to divorce sounds premature from what has been posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's take is he alcoholic off the table for a moment.

He gets drunk every night, is not a full partner in marriage because he is drunk a significant part of his home time. He either cannot, or doesn't want to, or pretends he doesn't want to because he cannot stop getting drunk. Or let's not quibble drunk. Lets say would blow over the legal limit if breathalyzed.

How does playing sports and coaching make him a great dad? Great dads don't blow over the legal limit every day. He does some fun things with them but it's not clear how long he can do that.

Except it sounds like none of this is actually the case. He is doing, it sounds like, more than his fair share of the parenting and housework, and is never drunk around the kids. Only at night after they go to bed. It also sounds like OP is mostly upset about arguments they have after she accuses him of being a drunk. Depending on the way she is approaching that, it could set off a lot of people, especially as it sounds like there is a fair amount of more problematic drinking in their social circle. Is there other gaslighting? Or is it only around being drunk at night? It sounds like a sober, non accusatory conversation aimed at a compromise could do a lot here. Maybe schedule that? Jumping to divorce sounds premature from what has been posted.

OP here. True, his drinking has not gotten to a dangerous point YET. what you described is all true. What does "a sober, non accusatory conversation aimed at a compromise" look like? I feel like we've done that numerous times over the years. He is now very angry at me for wanting to leave, he is saying that I can't blame everything on him, that he is not the one giving up on me but I am giving up on him. I don't understand why he can act so righteous, as if I am the bad one, as if I was the liar. I asked what should I have done when I saw him walk around drunk at night (I usually confront him, he would lie and say he had nothing to drink, and I would found empty bottles), he hasn't answered my question.

Obviously I am torn here, my heart tells me to leave, but I can't even pull myself up. Sometimes I want to become an addict myself to numb the pain. It takes a year to get a divorce in Virginia?!

[Anonymous]

Did you have an honest talk with him, or is that not possible at this time? Is he gaslighting you when you bring it up?

Is he self-medicating with this booze fest? I am not diagnosing him, but I know my DS(adult) did that for a while, and it was due to severe social anxiety.

Is it a social thing, and since everyone else does it, he thinks nothing of it?
How much is he drinking every night? Is he getting antsy in the evening to start drinking?

If he is otherwise not gaslighting you, not violent, and generally ok, is there a way you can think to make him address this issue?
Do you think you can get full physical custody?

I am sorry to be pragmatic here, but I watched my SIL divorce her DH, who was earning a lot of money, and now two decades later, she is hoping they will end up together again, and why is she hoping that as she divorced for a smaller thing than yours, I have no clue.

I am also Balkan/Slavic person and such drastic measures bring the pragmatist in me.

I don't think about princessing or comfort, or eternal perfect life, I think about more mundane issues, will my life be worse off, will I be able to support my kids, will they be at the house at night with a dead drunk father and smoking pot and he will know nothing.

I am also about being brutally honest in my marriage, and I was like this in the beginning.
When DH was spending all his waking hours other than at work, fixing every stupid thing for his dad and mom and his best buddy, I plain told him, that I did not leave my beautiful European life, and it was great, my family is very well off there, to be alone in a strange country.
You might not believe it, but I have the best marriage of any couple I know. DH and I have no fights now, we both give in and compromise all the time. We both express our love to each other, and we are always here for our adult kids. But, there were some rough times in the past.

When we had a child, I told him, this is his kid and enough with some self desired studying all night and here is your kid, watch him and shut up.
I am plain spoken, hard working person in everything I do. I am self sufficient, but I do not put up with crap. My SIL did not do this, and things got out of hand, where she was quiet and a storm inside was brewing. Her DH was skiing every weekend while she was home with two young children, one had half of brain dead due to a stroke in womb, the other had insane reflux. She followed her white bread introverted housewife mom's example, and then she boiled over and divorced him.
As mentioned, she regrets it now.

So, don't know if you did or did not do this, but raise some ruckus op. Bring him to realize he will lose everything if he does not shape up.
His kids will grow up without a father, most likely, or his kids will be in danger bcs of his drinking.
On another note, my grandpa was an alcoholic, when things got out of hand, he beat my mom when she was a child with a chair.
Oh, yes, he is in the Second World War, so we must make allowances, but where is the line there?
If I were you, and you did not make yourself very, very clear, I would do so. Make a scene from hell.
Once day, my horrible FIL, was driving my 6 year old DD for Christmas to pick up pies and food. When told her to get our of the car as he was still driving it, but coming to a stop. So she does, and almost gets ran over. He blamed on her the pie picking issue, on a 6 year old.
Guess what I did that Christmas dinner? In front of all the family, all ILS for me, I told him that he is acting unacceptable, endangering my child and that a 6 year old cannot possible be guilty for his stupid pie issue. Yes, FIL is a narcissist. So, if you think your DH is worth fighting for, fight.
Is he is a loser from hell, and you had enough, fight for yourself and for your kids. Take him to the cleaners. Start recording his drunken stupors and how many bottles of whatever he had in each day.
Fight, op, fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's take is he alcoholic off the table for a moment.

He gets drunk every night, is not a full partner in marriage because he is drunk a significant part of his home time. He either cannot, or doesn't want to, or pretends he doesn't want to because he cannot stop getting drunk. Or let's not quibble drunk. Lets say would blow over the legal limit if breathalyzed.

How does playing sports and coaching make him a great dad? Great dads don't blow over the legal limit every day. He does some fun things with them but it's not clear how long he can do that.

Except it sounds like none of this is actually the case. He is doing, it sounds like, more than his fair share of the parenting and housework, and is never drunk around the kids. Only at night after they go to bed. It also sounds like OP is mostly upset about arguments they have after she accuses him of being a drunk. Depending on the way she is approaching that, it could set off a lot of people, especially as it sounds like there is a fair amount of more problematic drinking in their social circle. Is there other gaslighting? Or is it only around being drunk at night? It sounds like a sober, non accusatory conversation aimed at a compromise could do a lot here. Maybe schedule that? Jumping to divorce sounds premature from what has been posted.

OP here. True, his drinking has not gotten to a dangerous point YET. what you described is all true. What does "a sober, non accusatory conversation aimed at a compromise" look like? I feel like we've done that numerous times over the years. He is now very angry at me for wanting to leave, he is saying that I can't blame everything on him, that he is not the one giving up on me but I am giving up on him. I don't understand why he can act so righteous, as if I am the bad one, as if I was the liar. I asked what should I have done when I saw him walk around drunk at night (I usually confront him, he would lie and say he had nothing to drink, and I would found empty bottles), he hasn't answered my question.

Obviously I am torn here, my heart tells me to leave, but I can't even pull myself up. Sometimes I want to become an addict myself to numb the pain. It takes a year to get a divorce in Virginia?!

First things first, don't confront him about his drinking. Instead, think about your boundaries. If you don't want you and your kids in the house with someone who is drunk, then your boundary is: "The next time I see you drunk at night, whether or not I can prove it to you, I will be packing the next day and taking myself and our children to an long term hotel or short term furnished rental." Or if you think he'd do it, your boundary is: "The next time I see you drunk at night, whether or nor I can prove it to you, I will ask you to take yourself to a hotel the next day." And then you follow through. Over and over and over again.

If you're OK with the drinking but not the arguing, then you simply say, "I'm not discussing your drinking any more unless it's to come up with a plan for you to get treatment." And then you don't. You don't bring it up and you don't argue about it with him.

You won't change him. You can change you. You can decide what you will accept. As the doctor PP said, a therapist can help.

[Anonymous]

You should leave HOWEVER he will get 50% custody and you’ll have a drunk (who sees no issue) caring for your kids alone.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the best pieces I’ve read by a high functioning alcoholic on getting clean https://chapterthree.blog/

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. That’s so hard. There’s no good answer.
Could you exist without his income? Because what if you divorce and he unravels and gets worse and loses his job because he feels hopeless? Basically what if the “highly functioning “ part goes away? It happens, and you may be left with nothing, unless you are completely self sufficient.
I’m in a slightly related situation and it is so hard with a deadbeat dad type dragging you down

[Anonymous]

If you decide to stay and work on it, focus on shoring up your financial future. (Sadly in the event his disease overcomes him)
- superfund the kids 529 college funds
- open family trust accounts for the kids
- maybe sign a post nup.
- I didn’t see if you’re working full time, but update your credentials in case you need a good job soon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. That’s so hard. There’s no good answer.
Could you exist without his income? Because what if you divorce and he unravels and gets worse and loses his job because he feels hopeless? Basically what if the “highly functioning “ part goes away? It happens, and you may be left with nothing, unless you are completely self sufficient.
I’m in a slightly related situation and it is so hard with a deadbeat dad type dragging you down

The high functioning part can go away even if you don't divorce. OP should work on a financial plan regardless. And yes, it stinks to have to be the more functional person in a partnership when the emotional stuff is killing you inside. I sympathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should I divorce my high functioning alcoholic husband? married for a long time, 2 young children. His drinking got worse over the years, he's in total denial, because he's doing well career wise, and is very involved with the kids, he's pretty awesome during the day, he doesn't think he should or need to change. Main issue for me is he is a totally different person at night after drinking, and he lies/gaslight in my face about how much or what he's been drinking. His dad, grandparents, uncles are all high functioning alcoholics, at this point, I don't think he will ever ever change.

Doesn't sound that bad. Sounds like a good husband overall.

Your situation is the same as being married to an obese person who overeats, or a smoker who sneaks smokes.

He won't quit. It will affect his health, and will likely die earlier than he would otherwise.
Do you want to miss out on your relationship because of that? Would be rather childish if you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I do not have my mom's support to divorce my husband. My dad was drunk a lot too, and my dad never did any housework or took care of me. To my mom, my husband is way better than my dad, therefore she doesn't think it's a big deal if the only problem with this man is his drinking. Really?! I have no husband at night, he's never present at night, that's not enough reason?

Friend, that is enough of a reason. You don't need your mom's support. If you leave for "less" alcoholism than she stayed for, then she has to face the fact that she made an unhealthy choice. So it's easier for her to say that you should just accept this situation. She did a lot of accepting things she shouldn't have. You don't have to follow in her footsteps.

I would definitely consult an attorney here to figure out the best way to go about it. You want to know what the odds of him getting 50/50 custody are and what kind of documentation you need for his alcoholism. You also need and deserve your own therapy and support (Al-Anon).

Your mom is not the arbiter of what is healthy and what is not. Look to mental health professionals for that.

[Anonymous]

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse over time.

Alanon for you. Try out several different meetings.

If you go to individual therapy for yourself make sure you go to someone who specializes in addiction in a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's take is he alcoholic off the table for a moment.

He gets drunk every night, is not a full partner in marriage because he is drunk a significant part of his home time. He either cannot, or doesn't want to, or pretends he doesn't want to because he cannot stop getting drunk. Or let's not quibble drunk. Lets say would blow over the legal limit if breathalyzed.

How does playing sports and coaching make him a great dad? Great dads don't blow over the legal limit every day. He does some fun things with them but it's not clear how long he can do that.

Except it sounds like none of this is actually the case. He is doing, it sounds like, more than his fair share of the parenting and housework, and is never drunk around the kids. Only at night after they go to bed. It also sounds like OP is mostly upset about arguments they have after she accuses him of being a drunk. Depending on the way she is approaching that, it could set off a lot of people, especially as it sounds like there is a fair amount of more problematic drinking in their social circle. Is there other gaslighting? Or is it only around being drunk at night? It sounds like a sober, non accusatory conversation aimed at a compromise could do a lot here. Maybe schedule that? Jumping to divorce sounds premature from what has been posted.

OP here. True, his drinking has not gotten to a dangerous point YET. what you described is all true. What does "a sober, non accusatory conversation aimed at a compromise" look like? I feel like we've done that numerous times over the years. He is now very angry at me for wanting to leave, he is saying that I can't blame everything on him, that he is not the one giving up on me but I am giving up on him. I don't understand why he can act so righteous, as if I am the bad one, as if I was the liar. I asked what should I have done when I saw him walk around drunk at night (I usually confront him, he would lie and say he had nothing to drink, and I would found empty bottles), he hasn't answered my question.

Obviously I am torn here, my heart tells me to leave, but I can't even pull myself up. Sometimes I want to become an addict myself to numb the pain. It takes a year to get a divorce in Virginia?!

The alcoholic will only change himself if he wants to change himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave if you can. You and your kids deserve better. He will lie to you about anything and everything. He will steal money from you and put you and your children in danger.

OP again, he haven't gotten to that point yet, he might eventually. At this point, he's still reliable financially, he is successful in his career. This complicates things for me, because no one else (including my mom) understands my pain, they see him as a successful, hardworking and loving person. They don't see him at night, or all the lies he told me in my face. I feel really lonely in this.

Can you support yourself?

It doesn’t sound like you’re at an emergency situation (yet) so take ownership of your life and make a plan. Work on becoming financially secure. Get your ducks in a row so if you ever do need to divorce, you’ll be ready. The people who have a hardest time with divorce are often women who suddenly who have to juggle a new job during the intense transition of the divorce. Make a plan. One step at a time. (And don’t tell anyone but your therapist about your plans.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should I divorce my high functioning alcoholic husband? married for a long time, 2 young children. His drinking got worse over the years, he's in total denial, because he's doing well career wise, and is very involved with the kids, he's pretty awesome during the day, he doesn't think he should or need to change. Main issue for me is he is a totally different person at night after drinking, and he lies/gaslight in my face about how much or what he's been drinking. His dad, grandparents, uncles are all high functioning alcoholics, at this point, I don't think he will ever ever change.

I went through a period of time when my DH drank a lot. It was one of the most stressful and scary times of my life. When drinking he would rage argue towards me and emotionally I was hurt really badly. He eventually stopped cold turkey. But the damage was done. He doesn’t remember how he acted because he was the one drinking. I explained this to him many times and he finally understood.