Should I divorce my high functioning alcoholic husband?

[Anonymous]

NP, different perspective.

My father is a functioning alcoholic. He can get emotionally abusive (not as much now) when he drinks. He only drinks at night because he says alcoholics drink all the time, he does not believe he has a problem.

I have a lot of trauma related to alcohol, growing with an alcoholic dad was emotionally destabilizing. If you fight when he drinks, please note that your kids will hear you, even if you think your kids are sleeping. I heard my parents fight many times. My father never got physical but the emotional abuse towards my mom was just as traumatizing. In order to not make things worse, we (the kids) had to act like we didn’t see or hear anything.

As a consequence, all the kids left home as soon as they could. 2 of us never drink and the other 2 became alcoholics. I am glad my mom didn’t leave him because I was so afraid of my dad when he drank. I can’t imagine having to go to his house if they had shared custody and having to deal with him being drunk. We would lock ourselves in our rooms (but he never came for us) and I knew my mom would protect us.

I have kids now, I know I need to go back to counseling because if my kids end up drinking I think I am going to spiral.

I have no idea what is the answer, divorce or not. The kids will eventually know no matter what you do. For me, I know my mom suffered a lot but I am glad she was always there for me and my siblings.

[Anonymous]

I used to be the high functioning alcoholic
Been clean 19 years
But it’s a daily struggle
Never goes far away
You just learn to deal with it
If you want to deal with it

—

Start a journal
Write everything down
Even if you never use it, it will help your own head space

Consult with an attorney
They are the only ones who can give you legal advice on your options
Again, you may never use it
But be prepared

Sort out the financials
Sort out the insurance
Do your own research about costs

Find a friend that is not attached to the family that can lend a hand in case of an emergency

You will not make him better in this current situation
But you can help yourself prepare and find methods to maintain control over your life


Best of luck


This isn’t about him getting clean
This is about your own survival

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is high functioning and treats you well, WHY on earth would you leave him for an addiction that isn't harming you?

That is not right and morally repugnant.

I dont even think this guy is addicted. He's just annoyed his wife wants to make a big deal out of a nightcap once the kids have gone to bed. So then he hides it, so then she accuses him if hiding it. Then it spirals.

[Anonymous]

No way. Someone who does not have a drinking does not hide empty bottles of vodka. 23:23 you are just being antagonistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should I divorce my high functioning alcoholic husband? married for a long time, 2 young children. His drinking got worse over the years, he's in total denial, because he's doing well career wise, and is very involved with the kids, he's pretty awesome during the day, he doesn't think he should or need to change. Main issue for me is he is a totally different person at night after drinking, and he lies/gaslight in my face about how much or what he's been drinking. His dad, grandparents, uncles are all high functioning alcoholics, at this point, I don't think he will ever ever change.

Young kids? You should get out.

[Anonymous]

If you divorce him, you need to get legal advice about how to make sure he’s sober at all times when he has custody of the kids. Like random checks. He may not seek custody for that reason.

[Anonymous]

I left mine.
He is still high functioning and he still drinks at night and on the weekends. He does so openly. He is still an argumentative and abusive drunk. During the day he has a responsible job. I have called him out on abusing alcohol many times. But I am not supportive. I told him he had a problem and to get help. I told him I would not stay. Then I left and told him I would not come back while this problem went unaddressed and unsolved, and I have stuck to that. I have no illusions about changing an alcoholic and nothing else he says or does matters in that context. It sucks for me and my kids, but this is our lives now.