Reply to Should I divorce my high functioning alcoholic husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Let's take is he alcoholic off the table for a moment.

He gets drunk every night, is not a full partner in marriage because he is drunk a significant part of his home time.  He either cannot, or doesn't want to, or pretends he doesn't want to because he cannot stop getting drunk. Or let's not quibble drunk. Lets say would blow over the legal limit if breathalyzed.

How does playing sports and coaching make him a great dad?  Great dads don't blow over the legal limit every day. He does some fun things with them but it's not clear how long he can do that.

[/quote]

Except it sounds like none of this is actually the case. He is doing, it sounds like, more than his fair share of the parenting and housework, and is never drunk around the kids. Only at night after they go to bed. It also sounds like OP is mostly upset about arguments they have after she accuses him of being a drunk. Depending on the way she is approaching that, it could set off a lot of people, especially as it sounds like there is a fair amount of more problematic drinking in their social circle. Is there other gaslighting? Or is it only around being drunk at night? It sounds like a sober, non accusatory conversation aimed at a compromise could do a lot here. Maybe schedule that? Jumping to divorce sounds premature from what has been posted.[/quote]

OP here.  True, his drinking has not gotten to a dangerous point YET.  what you described is all true. What does "a sober, non accusatory conversation aimed at a compromise" look like?  I feel like we've done that numerous times over the years.  He is now very angry at me for wanting to leave, he is saying that I can't blame everything on him, that he is not the one giving up on me but I am giving up on him.  I don't understand why he can act so righteous, as if I am the bad one, as if I was the liar.  I asked what should I have done when I saw him walk around drunk at night (I usually confront him, he would lie and say he had nothing to drink, and I would found empty bottles), he hasn't answered my question.

Obviously I am torn here, my heart tells me to leave, but I can't even pull myself up.  Sometimes I want to become an addict myself to numb the pain. It takes a year to get a divorce in Virginia?!  [/quote]

First things first, don't confront him about his drinking. Instead, think about [b]your[/b] boundaries. If you don't want you and your kids in the house with someone who is drunk, then your boundary is: "The next time I see you drunk at night, whether or not I can prove it to you, I will be packing the next day and taking myself and our children to an long term hotel or short term furnished rental." Or if you think he'd do it, your boundary is: "The next time I see you drunk at night, whether or nor I can prove it to you, I will ask you to take yourself to a hotel the next day." And then you follow through. Over and over and over again.

If you're OK with the drinking but not the arguing, then you simply say, "I'm not discussing your drinking any more unless it's to come up with a plan for you to get treatment." And then you don't. You don't bring it up and you don't argue about it with him.

You won't change him. You can change you. You can decide what you will accept. As the doctor PP said, a therapist can help.[/quote]

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