Should I divorce my high functioning alcoholic husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he kills someone you will be held culpable, Op. I would highly suggest messaging Jeff to remove this thread, clear your browser history, and file for divorce. You have posted a lot of rather personal information.

Forgot to take your meds?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the physician. I am waiting for my kid's class, so I have some time to speak to your questions.

I think the whole framework of looking at your husband isn't going to be as helpful as thinking through the big question -- what should you do? I think that really is the underlying and most constructive thing to work through than thinking through his choices. You can only make you own decisions. And for your sake, I truly hope you seek to make decisions to be fully at peace with things unfolding, regardless of how they unfold.

I cannot strongly enough getting mental health support. NOW. Al-Anon is a good help, but there are many things that can help you manage and work through your life and the hard choices we all have to make. I have a good friend who pays alimony and child support but she felt divorce was the right choice. Others decide to stay together and work through whatever issues there are. You need to decide what you can do and what you are willing to do.

In that, I think the answer to your question to your post is ... do you want to divorce your husband? Or do you want your husband to get healthy and support that? Or do you want to try to explain to him your boundaries regarding his health (and yes, this is a health issue, we aren't kids and shouldn't be drinking much despite what people do). If you refuses, are you at peace moving on and making decisions to set yourself and your children up for success?

The other thing I will say is to make it clear that you feel like there is an issue with alcohol in your home. Tell your family. Tell his family. Tell his friends if he has anything. Tell yours. Don't sit in secret. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of and if he is mad you are sharing your feelings, then tell him first, and give him the opportunity to get well by going to the doctor, getting on medication and stop drinking for a period of time to see if he is, indeed, someone who is dependent on alcohol to cope with life, to unwind, to have a good time, etc.

I really hope you get through this in the best way possible.

[Anonymous]

One reason for my hesitation is right now he is a great dad, I know it may not last but right now he’s doing great with the kids, sometimes I feel like he’s a better parent than me because he plays sports with them and my kids love sports. He coaches their teams too. Another painful thing for me is that my kids do not understand why I’m upset. They might blame me for everything if I leave. -op

[Anonymous]

Go to Al Anon, great ladies there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One reason for my hesitation is right now he is a great dad, I know it may not last but right now he’s doing great with the kids, sometimes I feel like he’s a better parent than me because he plays sports with them and my kids love sports. He coaches their teams too. Another painful thing for me is that my kids do not understand why I’m upset. They might blame me for everything if I leave. -op

OP. I am going to reiterate. You need to get to a place where you make decisions and are at peace where the chips fall. Please, please please get help. I cannot stress enough, this is not something you want to mull over or just stew in alone (or with the internet). Work on you and get yourself in a space where you can decide how you want to approach the entire situation, including engaging with your husband on the issue or just getting a divorce. But you can't stew in this worrying about what could happen. You need to take care of yourself and get your own head together. Then you can make good decisions and have peace with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One reason for my hesitation is right now he is a great dad, I know it may not last but right now he’s doing great with the kids, sometimes I feel like he’s a better parent than me because he plays sports with them and my kids love sports. He coaches their teams too. Another painful thing for me is that my kids do not understand why I’m upset. They might blame me for everything if I leave. -op

OP. I am going to reiterate. You need to get to a place where you make decisions and are at peace where the chips fall. Please, please please get help. I cannot stress enough, this is not something you want to mull over or just stew in alone (or with the internet). Work on you and get yourself in a space where you can decide how you want to approach the entire situation, including engaging with your husband on the issue or just getting a divorce. But you can't stew in this worrying about what could happen. You need to take care of yourself and get your own head together. Then you can make good decisions and have peace with them.

I can’t right now, I feel pathetic. I can’t pull myself up. I selfishly want to just end my life. Al-anon meeting was fine, people sharing their pain and all, I’ve done therapy in the past too. I know, I must sounds horribly pathetic and you are right on that. I know women who’ve had it worse than me stayed strong. -op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For my children, I would not stay with an alcoholic. It will mess them up for life.

+1
And there might be a chance he's still drunk in the morning on the school run.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an addict. Your father was an addict. Break this cycle for your children now. Summon the strength to leave. Dig deep. Your mother is an enabler and is part of why you are in this situation. One day soon, that high functioning drunk will implode his life and yours. Save your kids from this.

[Anonymous]

NP. Just a thought. Addicts often need to hit bottom before they try to change. Maybe you leaving with the kids, even temporarily, could be the shove he needs. If he doesn't reform after that, then don't go back.

Also, pp's are right about checking with a lawyer. I don't know what's involved in proving somebody is an unfit parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Just a thought. Addicts often need to hit bottom before they try to change. Maybe you leaving with the kids, even temporarily, could be the shove he needs. If he doesn't reform after that, then don't go back.

Also, pp's are right about checking with a lawyer. I don't know what's involved in proving somebody is an unfit parent.

PP again. Re-emphasizing the need to check with a lawyer. Sharing custody with him sounds like the worst possible outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One reason for my hesitation is right now he is a great dad, I know it may not last but right now he’s doing great with the kids, sometimes I feel like he’s a better parent than me because he plays sports with them and my kids love sports. He coaches their teams too. Another painful thing for me is that my kids do not understand why I’m upset. They might blame me for everything if I leave. -op

OP. I am going to reiterate. You need to get to a place where you make decisions and are at peace where the chips fall. Please, please please get help. I cannot stress enough, this is not something you want to mull over or just stew in alone (or with the internet). Work on you and get yourself in a space where you can decide how you want to approach the entire situation, including engaging with your husband on the issue or just getting a divorce. But you can't stew in this worrying about what could happen. You need to take care of yourself and get your own head together. Then you can make good decisions and have peace with them.

I can’t right now, I feel pathetic. I can’t pull myself up. I selfishly want to just end my life. Al-anon meeting was fine, people sharing their pain and all, I’ve done therapy in the past too. I know, I must sounds horribly pathetic and you are right on that. I know women who’ve had it worse than me stayed strong. -op

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek help immediately. Put on your own oxygen mask first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For my children, I would not stay with an alcoholic. It will mess them up for life.

Puhlease. This gets so tiresome. There are plenty of alcoholics (by definition) that are wonderful parents. My dad was one of them. He came to every event, supported me in every way, put me through undergrad and grad school. But he drank 6 -8 beers everyday of his life. I never doubted his love and he did not mess me up at all.

+1 Half of France is alcoholic and sh*tty parents according to this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One reason for my hesitation is right now he is a great dad, I know it may not last but right now he’s doing great with the kids, sometimes I feel like he’s a better parent than me because he plays sports with them and my kids love sports. He coaches their teams too. Another painful thing for me is that my kids do not understand why I’m upset. They might blame me for everything if I leave. -op

OP. I am going to reiterate. You need to get to a place where you make decisions and are at peace where the chips fall. Please, please please get help. I cannot stress enough, this is not something you want to mull over or just stew in alone (or with the internet). Work on you and get yourself in a space where you can decide how you want to approach the entire situation, including engaging with your husband on the issue or just getting a divorce. But you can't stew in this worrying about what could happen. You need to take care of yourself and get your own head together. Then you can make good decisions and have peace with them.

I can’t right now, I feel pathetic. I can’t pull myself up. I selfishly want to just end my life. Al-anon meeting was fine, people sharing their pain and all, I’ve done therapy in the past too. I know, I must sounds horribly pathetic and you are right on that. I know women who’ve had it worse than me stayed strong. -op

Hugs OP. The physician had some wise advise. You gotta work on you, for your kids. You gotta set those boundaries and most importantly you gotta get the support you need so you can do this. Part of the reason you can't pull yourself up and you feel like your husband is this great parent is the immense load you are bearing by loving an addict. Setting boundaries and getting help for you is the only thing you can control right now.

- someone who was in your shoes 6 years ago, down to the "better parent than I am" and wishes I'd spent more time working on myself and my boundaries then instead of having to do it with a no-longer-functioning alcoholic husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Just a thought. Addicts often need to hit bottom before they try to change. Maybe you leaving with the kids, even temporarily, could be the shove he needs. If he doesn't reform after that, then don't go back.

Also, pp's are right about checking with a lawyer. I don't know what's involved in proving somebody is an unfit parent.

A frick ton. They're probably more likely to grant partial custody and just make him take breathalyzer tests with the kids and have an Intoxalock on the car if she can even prove the alcoholism at this point.

[Anonymous]

Let's take is he alcoholic off the table for a moment.

He gets drunk every night, is not a full partner in marriage because he is drunk a significant part of his home time. He either cannot, or doesn't want to, or pretends he doesn't want to because he cannot stop getting drunk. Or let's not quibble drunk. Lets say would blow over the legal limit if breathalyzed.

How does playing sports and coaching make him a great dad? Great dads don't blow over the legal limit every day. He does some fun things with them but it's not clear how long he can do that.