Should I divorce my high functioning alcoholic husband?

[Anonymous]

I would leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Truly only you can answer that question.

What does he do as a "totally different person" after drinking?

I know, I am here for some validation/understanding and just to vent.

He acts like a drunk person, and if I tell him he had too much to drink, he would lie, he would say "I haven't had any alcohol today" "zero","I had nothing to drink today", all while he is obviously drunk. The other day, I can see a vodka bottle hidden behind HVAC duct, I said, I can see your vodka bottle (he claims he ONLY drinks beer), and even at that point, he chose to lie, he said "what vodka bottle, I don't drink vodka", and then I pulled the bottle out in front of him, and he said "that is from looong time ago".

If he’s hiding vodka bottles he is most likely drinking during the day.

Do you have a breathalyzer at home? I stopped letting my DH drive the kids without it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. I have a similar situation except no kids.

Why do I stay? I do love him. I am scared of being alone. He can be wonderful when not drunk. He is a high earner and I do not earn anywhere close. I would need a very reduced lifestyle.

He has so many addicts in his family, it doesn't end well. His family is in denial and of no help whatsoever.

Unfortunately only you know the answer to that question. With kids, it is more complicated. Make sure you are getting support from Al Anon and your loved ones.

I might hit my breaking point, but I haven't yet. At times I feel close to it.

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Same boat here OP. It's hard for me because my Dad was a falling down drunk at night kind of high functioning alcoholic...he went out to the pub and came back at 1 or 2 in the AM, falling down, and then passed out. But he unfailingly went to work the next day, unfailingly, and he took good care of us (very good) compared to my mom, who was bedridden with depression most of my childhood.

So my own DH's alcoholism kind of snuck up on me. I knew he drank alone when we were rating. A glass of gin at night. It struck me as really strange because to me, drinking is social. I can't imagine. Just drinking hard liquor alone. But he appeared to have just one drink a night.

Once we married, I saw the bottle consumption. It was WAY more than a drink a night. Sometimes it's a quart a night. But unlike my dad, he never slurs, stumbles, or falls down. He stays up late ironing and doing dishes. He does more than my share of housework. But he does it drunk.

It's lonely. We barely speak. We have a son and we are both older parents and we just kind of exist, keeping our heads above water with work and taking care of our kid. I stayed this long - 12 years - because he would get 50/50 custody and I don't want our son alone with a loner drunk every night. And I don't want to only see him half the time. But it's not what I signed up for when we married.

He refuses to acknowledge a problem and none of my family or friends see this. The just see he cooks and does dishes and irons so he must be super husband. They don't smell the gin breath that could melt paint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do high functioning alcoholic spouses in divorces get custody? Asking for a friend.

Of course they do. Keeping the kids safe may require staying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same boat here OP. It's hard for me because my Dad was a falling down drunk at night kind of high functioning alcoholic...he went out to the pub and came back at 1 or 2 in the AM, falling down, and then passed out. But he unfailingly went to work the next day, unfailingly, and he took good care of us (very good) compared to my mom, who was bedridden with depression most of my childhood.

So my own DH's alcoholism kind of snuck up on me. I knew he drank alone when we were rating. A glass of gin at night. It struck me as really strange because to me, drinking is social. I can't imagine. Just drinking hard liquor alone. But he appeared to have just one drink a night.

Once we married, I saw the bottle consumption. It was WAY more than a drink a night. Sometimes it's a quart a night. But unlike my dad, he never slurs, stumbles, or falls down. He stays up late ironing and doing dishes. He does more than my share of housework. But he does it drunk.

It's lonely. We barely speak. We have a son and we are both older parents and we just kind of exist, keeping our heads above water with work and taking care of our kid. I stayed this long - 12 years - because he would get 50/50 custody and I don't want our son alone with a loner drunk every night. And I don't want to only see him half the time. But it's not what I signed up for when we married.

He refuses to acknowledge a problem and none of my family or friends see this. The just see he cooks and does dishes and irons so he must be super husband. They don't smell the gin breath that could melt paint.

Op here. Thank you so much for sharing g your story! I think my husband does a lot around the house because it helps him justify his drinking. It’s like he feels guilty deep down but can’t stop drinking so he does extra chores to make himself feel better/less guilty. Do you think this is the case with your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something to think about - do you ever have to be out of town or gone overnight and he is responsible for the kids? Are you comfortable leaving him in charge at night -if an emergency arises can he handle it?

It’s more than this.
If OP divorces him, he and his “high functioning alcoholic” self will have 50% custody and will be in charge of the kids without OP there to supervise during that time. He can even get in a car with them and drive. And OP can’t do anything about it because there is no proof he is an alcoholic. And he will fight her for 50% custody.
And then OP’s new problem will be how does she make sure her kids are safe when she is no longer there in the home to protect them.
It’s a lose-lose situation and OP just had to select the least sucky option of the two available.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a high functioning alcoholic until he wasn’t. He went from being vice president of sales for Hilton hotels (before I was born, in the youngest of many kids) to driving a cab. My mom divorced him around that time because he became less predictable. Apparently he came home in a rage one night ands started throwing things, and nearly threw my bassinet with me in it.

His drinking continued to get worse until he dropped dead on the kitchen floor when I was 14. My 16 year old brother found him.

[Anonymous]

Obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry. I have a similar situation except no kids.

Why do I stay? I do love him. I am scared of being alone. He can be wonderful when not drunk. He is a high earner and I do not earn anywhere close. I would need a very reduced lifestyle.

He has so many addicts in his family, it doesn't end well. His family is in denial and of no help whatsoever.

Unfortunately only you know the answer to that question. With kids, it is more complicated. Make sure you are getting support from Al Anon and your loved ones.

I might hit my breaking point, but I haven't yet. At times I feel close to it.

Hugs.

Sorry but this is pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something to think about - do you ever have to be out of town or gone overnight and he is responsible for the kids? Are you comfortable leaving him in charge at night -if an emergency arises can he handle it?

It’s more than this.
If OP divorces him, he and his “high functioning alcoholic” self will have 50% custody and will be in charge of the kids without OP there to supervise during that time. He can even get in a car with them and drive. And OP can’t do anything about it because there is no proof he is an alcoholic. And he will fight her for 50% custody.
And then OP’s new problem will be how does she make sure her kids are safe when she is no longer there in the home to protect them.
It’s a lose-lose situation and OP just had to select the least sucky option of the two available.

What? This is often repeated on here and the reason women give for staying. Oh but the DH would get 50/50 custody and harm the kids! It’s mostly an excuse to not leave.

First off, there’s only so much you can really do to keep a drunk from harming kids. Secondly, in most of these cases the man has never harmed the children. Last, if a DH is so dangerous he can’t be left with his own kids, he’s just as dangerous being married to you and raising kids together.

In most cases the women don’t want to give up their lifestyle to single parent. In many of these cases, the DW doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something to think about - do you ever have to be out of town or gone overnight and he is responsible for the kids? Are you comfortable leaving him in charge at night -if an emergency arises can he handle it?

It’s more than this.
If OP divorces him, he and his “high functioning alcoholic” self will have 50% custody and will be in charge of the kids without OP there to supervise during that time. He can even get in a car with them and drive. And OP can’t do anything about it because there is no proof he is an alcoholic. And he will fight her for 50% custody.
And then OP’s new problem will be how does she make sure her kids are safe when she is no longer there in the home to protect them.
It’s a lose-lose situation and OP just had to select the least sucky option of the two available.

Nah. OP needs to value her own life and get away from this noise. Women will always be second class citizens as long as they make decisions based on things that might happen if they aren’t around to control things.

If the man can keep a job without getting fired, he can likely function with two kids. Really. That’s why he will get 50/50 custody - nothing has happened that harmed the children.

[Anonymous]

Leave. I say this as the adult child of a high-functioning alcoholic. Your husband betrays you and the rest of his family every night when he picks up a glass.

My own father at least had the consideration and love for his family to never, ever drink inside the house or in front of us. I’m still dealing with repercussions from my childhood, but I can’t imagine how much more damaging it would’ve been to see my father drunk every night. Get out.

[Anonymous]

Well how much is he worth upon death? Can you wait it out? Do you want to care for him during liver failure? Can you afford to hire out some of his care and still collect enough money when he dies? Or would alimony/CS make more while you look for another husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same boat here OP. It's hard for me because my Dad was a falling down drunk at night kind of high functioning alcoholic...he went out to the pub and came back at 1 or 2 in the AM, falling down, and then passed out. But he unfailingly went to work the next day, unfailingly, and he took good care of us (very good) compared to my mom, who was bedridden with depression most of my childhood.

So my own DH's alcoholism kind of snuck up on me. I knew he drank alone when we were rating. A glass of gin at night. It struck me as really strange because to me, drinking is social. I can't imagine. Just drinking hard liquor alone. But he appeared to have just one drink a night.

Once we married, I saw the bottle consumption. It was WAY more than a drink a night. Sometimes it's a quart a night. But unlike my dad, he never slurs, stumbles, or falls down. He stays up late ironing and doing dishes. He does more than my share of housework. But he does it drunk.

It's lonely. We barely speak. We have a son and we are both older parents and we just kind of exist, keeping our heads above water with work and taking care of our kid. I stayed this long - 12 years - because he would get 50/50 custody and I don't want our son alone with a loner drunk every night. And I don't want to only see him half the time. But it's not what I signed up for when we married.

He refuses to acknowledge a problem and none of my family or friends see this. The just see he cooks and does dishes and irons so he must be super husband. They don't smell the gin breath that could melt paint.

Op here. Thank you so much for sharing g your story! I think my husband does a lot around the house because it helps him justify his drinking. It’s like he feels guilty deep down but can’t stop drinking so he does extra chores to make himself feel better/less guilty. Do you think this is the case with your husband?

Different PP and my high functioning alcoholic also did a lot around the house. For him it was the inverse of what you suggest - he was a super high functioner in our relationship, highly capable. Trying to do everything led to the stress that justified the drinking. "If I weren't so stressed and awake all the time, I wouldn't have to drink."

Eventually the drinking got so bad that it went from "We have the nicest yard on the street that he does everything for, plus he grocery shops and does more than half the cooking," to "He can't even get the grass cut reliably. I do all the grocery shopping. I do all the cooking."

I have been basically single mom-ing with a spouse in the home.