Wife without interest in intimacy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you actually want? “Her to want it” is probably not achievable, at least not in the short term. Her to think it’s a problem that she doesn’t want it? Her to do it even if she doesn’t want it?

- the OP already clarified his wife does engage in s*x with him. But she has never ever had an “O” and it sounds like maybe the only reason she submits to it is she knows it’s normal for married couples and she wants to make him happy.

OP is concerned with her happiness / satisfaction. Why are some of you trying to make him out as the bad guy here? Is it because maybe you hate all men or something?

To me, it just sounds like a long-term sexual mismatch. And remember, plenty of women on DCUM complain about disinterested husbands. This issue can and does go both ways you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you actually want? “Her to want it” is probably not achievable, at least not in the short term. Her to think it’s a problem that she doesn’t want it? Her to do it even if she doesn’t want it?

- the OP already clarified his wife does engage in s*x with him. But she has never ever had an “O” and it sounds like maybe the only reason she submits to it is she knows it’s normal for married couples and she wants to make him happy.

OP is concerned with her happiness / satisfaction. Why are some of you trying to make him out as the bad guy here? Is it because maybe you hate all men or something?

To me, it just sounds like a long-term sexual mismatch. And remember, plenty of women on DCUM complain about disinterested husbands. This issue can and does go both ways you know.

Just one opinion here but I think because it’s not really about her. She’s fine with the status quo. HE wants her to want it. I get it, sex is more fun when you’re both into it, it feels good to be desired, someone who is into it may be more adventurous and engaged rather than starfish… so I know why he wants her to enjoy it, but it is still about what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you actually want? “Her to want it” is probably not achievable, at least not in the short term. Her to think it’s a problem that she doesn’t want it? Her to do it even if she doesn’t want it?

- the OP already clarified his wife does engage in s*x with him. But she has never ever had an “O” and it sounds like maybe the only reason she submits to it is she knows it’s normal for married couples and she wants to make him happy.

OP is concerned with her happiness / satisfaction. Why are some of you trying to make him out as the bad guy here? Is it because maybe you hate all men or something?

To me, it just sounds like a long-term sexual mismatch. And remember, plenty of women on DCUM complain about disinterested husbands. This issue can and does go both ways you know.

Pp you’re replying to. Right which is why I’m asking. Presumably his wife is aware that many women have orgasms, enjoy sex, etc. if she doesn’t and he makes it clear that he’s upset about this, maybe she can change it long-term? But more likely she just feels terrible about herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you actually want? “Her to want it” is probably not achievable, at least not in the short term. Her to think it’s a problem that she doesn’t want it? Her to do it even if she doesn’t want it?

- the OP already clarified his wife does engage in s*x with him. But she has never ever had an “O” and it sounds like maybe the only reason she submits to it is she knows it’s normal for married couples and she wants to make him happy.

OP is concerned with her happiness / satisfaction. Why are some of you trying to make him out as the bad guy here? Is it because maybe you hate all men or something?

To me, it just sounds like a long-term sexual mismatch. And remember, plenty of women on DCUM complain about disinterested husbands. This issue can and does go both ways you know.

Just one opinion here but I think because it’s not really about her. She’s fine with the status quo. HE wants her to want it. I get it, sex is more fun when you’re both into it, it feels good to be desired, someone who is into it may be more adventurous and engaged rather than starfish… so I know why he wants her to enjoy it, but it is still about what he wants.

He wants her to be a p0rn star in bed.

It’s about him. So at least he’s consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you actually want? “Her to want it” is probably not achievable, at least not in the short term. Her to think it’s a problem that she doesn’t want it? Her to do it even if she doesn’t want it?

- the OP already clarified his wife does engage in s*x with him. But she has never ever had an “O” and it sounds like maybe the only reason she submits to it is she knows it’s normal for married couples and she wants to make him happy.

OP is concerned with her happiness / satisfaction. Why are some of you trying to make him out as the bad guy here? Is it because maybe you hate all men or something?

To me, it just sounds like a long-term sexual mismatch. And remember, plenty of women on DCUM complain about disinterested husbands. This issue can and does go both ways you know.

I don’t hate all men. It just seems odd to me.

Like, I know that my husband doesn’t like to do cutesy stuff with the kids. He only does the Easter egg hunts and pumpkin patch because he knows it’s normal for a husband to accompany his wife and children, and he wants to make me happy. And that’s enough. I see other men taking videos at their daughter’s ballet recital or see my neighbor make an elaborate obstacle courses for the kids in his backyard, and I get a little jealous. But that isn’t who I married.

It would be totally inappropriate for me to ask how to make DH *want* to hide Easter eggs this year or to ask him about his fantasies of a perfect Easter Sunday. He doesn’t have any. He doesn’t have a secret Pinterest board that he’s keeping from me. Just like OP’s wife doesn’t have some secret fantasy or porn stash that she’s hiding from him. It’s ridiculous for me to harass him about what he wants to do for Easter, and doubly ridiculous to pretend that I’m doing this for HIS pleasure and happiness. He will go along with whatever I want to do and be a good sport about it, and that’s enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you actually want? “Her to want it” is probably not achievable, at least not in the short term. Her to think it’s a problem that she doesn’t want it? Her to do it even if she doesn’t want it?

- the OP already clarified his wife does engage in s*x with him. But she has never ever had an “O” and it sounds like maybe the only reason she submits to it is she knows it’s normal for married couples and she wants to make him happy.

OP is concerned with her happiness / satisfaction. Why are some of you trying to make him out as the bad guy here? Is it because maybe you hate all men or something?

To me, it just sounds like a long-term sexual mismatch. And remember, plenty of women on DCUM complain about disinterested husbands. This issue can and does go both ways you know.

I don’t hate all men. It just seems odd to me.

Like, I know that my husband doesn’t like to do cutesy stuff with the kids. He only does the Easter egg hunts and pumpkin patch because he knows it’s normal for a husband to accompany his wife and children, and he wants to make me happy. And that’s enough. I see other men taking videos at their daughter’s ballet recital or see my neighbor make an elaborate obstacle courses for the kids in his backyard, and I get a little jealous. But that isn’t who I married.

It would be totally inappropriate for me to ask how to make DH *want* to hide Easter eggs this year or to ask him about his fantasies of a perfect Easter Sunday. He doesn’t have any. He doesn’t have a secret Pinterest board that he’s keeping from me. Just like OP’s wife doesn’t have some secret fantasy or porn stash that she’s hiding from him. It’s ridiculous for me to harass him about what he wants to do for Easter, and doubly ridiculous to pretend that I’m doing this for HIS pleasure and happiness. He will go along with whatever I want to do and be a good sport about it, and that’s enough.

Generously to OP, sex seems like a more fundamental part of life than cute kid stuff. It’s arguably more like if you were married to someone who didn’t ever want to ANYTHING with your kids and was just doing it to make you happy. That would be a bummer! Part of the joy of things is sharing them with people you love, and it’s reasonable to want to be able to do that. But if that hasn’t been OP’s wife for twenty years it’s not going to be her now either, so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been married almost 20-years. Before kids, my wife, even before kids, had a low drive and little interest in having meaningful intimacy. Foreplay, exploring (nothing crazy, lingerie, or spicing it hasn’t been part of intimacy, even though bring it up. she acknowledges solo occasionally (no vibrator) and has never had an “o.”

Are suggestions on how to make intimacy more than sleeping together? Should I even continue effort?

I was in this same boat, and remained married for more than twenty years. As it turns out, ExW prefers women to men. No effort was going to change that.

We divorced once the kids were out of high school. I have been much happier since we separated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s never had an O even by herself?

That sucks. I would encourage her to try a V on her own. I also like erotic fiction/romance (I don’t do p-rn names me uncomfortable).

Maybe if she wants she can profess to having you and her try the V together. Does she not like oral?

What's worse, if a wife can't O at all, even on her own, or she can on her own, but never in front of her husband?

[Anonymous]

Continue the effort? No. It takes two to tango and she’s unwilling to get on the dance floor.

Side piece, stat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continue the effort? No. It takes two to tango and she’s unwilling to get on the dance floor.

Side piece, stat!

No, not without her consent and full knowledge. Betrayal by secret cheating is wrong.

However, op, do you think she might be open to bringing a third person into the bedroom with you both ? You could use a female escort to keep it impersonal.

Might work, if she’s amenable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continue the effort? No. It takes two to tango and she’s unwilling to get on the dance floor.

Side piece, stat!

If she is willing to get on the dance floor, the question becomes what dance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue the effort? No. It takes two to tango and she’s unwilling to get on the dance floor.

Side piece, stat!

No, not without her consent and full knowledge. Betrayal by secret cheating is wrong.

However, op, do you think she might be open to bringing a third person into the bedroom with you both ? You could use a female escort to keep it impersonal.

Might work, if she’s amenable.

It’s unlikely that she would be amendable. However, I haven’t suggested such options. Maybe she would be open it. However. misconceptions are holding back. Or is simple afraid to say it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you actually want? “Her to want it” is probably not achievable, at least not in the short term. Her to think it’s a problem that she doesn’t want it? Her to do it even if she doesn’t want it?

- the OP already clarified his wife does engage in s*x with him. But she has never ever had an “O” and it sounds like maybe the only reason she submits to it is she knows it’s normal for married couples and she wants to make him happy.

OP is concerned with her happiness / satisfaction. Why are some of you trying to make him out as the bad guy here? Is it because maybe you hate all men or something?

To me, it just sounds like a long-term sexual mismatch. And remember, plenty of women on DCUM complain about disinterested husbands. This issue can and does go both ways you know.

I don’t hate all men. It just seems odd to me.

Like, I know that my husband doesn’t like to do cutesy stuff with the kids. He only does the Easter egg hunts and pumpkin patch because he knows it’s normal for a husband to accompany his wife and children, and he wants to make me happy. And that’s enough. I see other men taking videos at their daughter’s ballet recital or see my neighbor make an elaborate obstacle courses for the kids in his backyard, and I get a little jealous. But that isn’t who I married.

It would be totally inappropriate for me to ask how to make DH *want* to hide Easter eggs this year or to ask him about his fantasies of a perfect Easter Sunday. He doesn’t have any. He doesn’t have a secret Pinterest board that he’s keeping from me. Just like OP’s wife doesn’t have some secret fantasy or porn stash that she’s hiding from him. It’s ridiculous for me to harass him about what he wants to do for Easter, and doubly ridiculous to pretend that I’m doing this for HIS pleasure and happiness. He will go along with whatever I want to do and be a good sport about it, and that’s enough.

Generously to OP, sex seems like a more fundamental part of life than cute kid stuff. It’s arguably more like if you were married to someone who didn’t ever want to ANYTHING with your kids and was just doing it to make you happy. That would be a bummer! Part of the joy of things is sharing them with people you love, and it’s reasonable to want to be able to do that. But if that hasn’t been OP’s wife for twenty years it’s not going to be her now either, so.

There are a lot of guys who really never enjoy being around their young children and just do it because they are supposed to and because they want to make their wives happy.

If women post about their unhappiness with the situation here, they are told to be happy that he’s helping out and still doing stuff with the kids. It’s not reasonable to say that he not only has to do it, but he has to *want to* do stuff with the kids. And it’s even worse to ask how to make him feel super guilty about not loving spending time with his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the inability to orgasm, with or without a partner, a sure sign of being asexual?

I’m stuck on ‘inability.’. how hard have you tried? I’m a 50YO divorced F. It took me a long time to learn what makes me O (I was probably 30), and it takes a while with each new partner to show them. And I’m not particularly inhibited, I’m just wired tricky. I imagine if I had been raised with sexual inhibitions (say, Catholic, taught that touching myself was bad, etc) I can imagine never having figured it out, but it doesn’t mean I’m unable, it just took work. have you put in the work?

For context, she wasn’t aware of solo until her 20’s. She may have had an O once solo. But isn’t sure. I want her to find pleasure and enjoy the closeness. Getting her to open up to express likes/dislikes is a struggle.

I don’t believe she has ever used a vibrator, toys, watched or read erotica, etc. I bought a little toy and a book on basic intimacy. Neither drew interest, as they were our of her comfort zone.

She is comfortable with the standard position. However, a different routine or exploration has been a no-go since the honeymoon phase.

Yeah, you've got yourself a dead fish there. You have my sympathies. That's a tough nut to crack Probably impossible especially if she doesn't recognize it as a problem in your marriage, or it doesn't concern her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue the effort? No. It takes two to tango and she’s unwilling to get on the dance floor.

Side piece, stat!

No, not without her consent and full knowledge. Betrayal by secret cheating is wrong.

However, op, do you think she might be open to bringing a third person into the bedroom with you both ? You could use a female escort to keep it impersonal.

Might work, if she’s amenable.

It’s unlikely that she would be amendable. However, I haven’t suggested such options. Maybe she would be open it. However. misconceptions are holding back. Or is simple afraid to say it.

Sounds like she might be happier if you’d get that need taken care of by someone else so she doesn’t have to.