Wife without interest in intimacy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often are you intimate, touching, cuddling, etc. in a NON-SEXUAL manner? Without any expectations or pressure that it will turn sexual and without any “escalating” on your part? She sounds like she’s low drive, but I think you should try baby steps to getting more physical contact in general with the goal of getting her to be more comfortable. Hand holding, back rubs, putting your arm around her on the couch, all that kind of stuff and keep it very G rated.

This advice falls into the do more chores category. Good to try but temper expectations. Often claiming lack of non sexual contact or chores is just a diversion/defensive response to let herself off the hook and redirect fault towards you. Both are obviously relationship responsibilities but there’s not a defined level of either where she cant continue saying “maybe it would be different if you did more”

WHAT?

You’re saying you shouldn’t touch your wife unless you are trying to have sex?

Nope. The opposite. You should, just like you should do chores, but what I said was don’t expect it’s going to lead to more intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she has a medical issue going on.. Have you at very least inquired as of recently?

[Anonymous]

what is V?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. In short, I want her to want it and have pleasure in doing so.

We will have sex once a month or so. But with limited exceptions, it still out obligation for her.

She doesn’t seem interested in her own pleasure. I have asked her what she likes/desires, but have received little feedback.

You know how you feel right after orgasm? Where you still love your wife and you like touching her, but you don’t have any actual sexual desire? That’s how your wife feels all of the time.
Imagine if right after you had sex your wife asked you what lingerie you wanted her to put on right then. You would probably say that you don’t want her to put on any lingerie, and you would rather watch television. And you would mean it.

That’s how she feels. She’s not hiding anything from you.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you put any effort to making her O. Do you even know how? Chances are it does not involve your d*ck which I think is a surprise to some men, and maybe even some women. I married very young (still happily married) and it took us a couple of years to realize what needed to happen for me to O.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you put any effort to making her O. Do you even know how? Chances are it does not involve your d*ck which I think is a surprise to some men, and maybe even some women. I married very young (still happily married) and it took us a couple of years to realize what needed to happen for me to O.

This is missing the very real possibility raised in this thread that she has no interest in trying to orgasm or sex in general. If, as others have suggested, she's asexual, she won't want to be bothered with the effort of figuring out what she needs in order to orgasm. No matter how willing and attentive OP is willing to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you put any effort to making her O. Do you even know how? Chances are it does not involve your d*ck which I think is a surprise to some men, and maybe even some women. I married very young (still happily married) and it took us a couple of years to realize what needed to happen for me to O.

This is missing the very real possibility raised in this thread that she has no interest in trying to orgasm or sex in general. If, as others have suggested, she's asexual, she won't want to be bothered with the effort of figuring out what she needs in order to orgasm. No matter how willing and attentive OP is willing to be.

Well if so that really sucks for OP! And seems maybe he should have clued into this in less than 20 years!

[Anonymous]

Get yourself an AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often are you intimate, touching, cuddling, etc. in a NON-SEXUAL manner? Without any expectations or pressure that it will turn sexual and without any “escalating” on your part? She sounds like she’s low drive, but I think you should try baby steps to getting more physical contact in general with the goal of getting her to be more comfortable. Hand holding, back rubs, putting your arm around her on the couch, all that kind of stuff and keep it very G rated.

This advice falls into the do more chores category. Good to try but temper expectations. Often claiming lack of non sexual contact or chores is just a diversion/defensive response to let herself off the hook and redirect fault towards you. Both are obviously relationship responsibilities but there’s not a defined level of either where she cant continue saying “maybe it would be different if you did more”

WHAT?

You’re saying you shouldn’t touch your wife unless you are trying to have sex?

Nope. The opposite. You should, just like you should do chores, but what I said was don’t expect it’s going to lead to more intimacy.

You mean it won’t lead to more sex. It will lead to more intimacy, it actually is intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you not know or discuss this twenty years ago.. or any time along the way?

She’s probably simply not interested in sex with you outside of making babies..

Sounds like any effort you make will be a no..

Yeah,
Live life as roommates.

[Anonymous]

Was she a victim of sexual assault at some point?

[Anonymous]

She sounds asexual. 20 years ago, there was not as much acceptance of asexuality as there is now. Have her do some reading about it and see if it resonates. It's ok to be ace but it is not great to be ace and partnered with a non-ace person. Neither person is going to be satisfied.

Would she be ok with you opening up the relationship in order to have sex? If not, I don't think you have many good options here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. In short, I want her to want it and have pleasure in doing so.

We will have sex once a month or so. But with limited exceptions, it still out obligation for her.

She doesn’t seem interested in her own pleasure. I have asked her what she likes/desires, but have received little feedback.

So you want her shoulder it all?

She probably isn’t attracted to you. Hard to get riled up for someone you’re just over,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. In short, I want her to want it and have pleasure in doing so.

We will have sex once a month or so. But with limited exceptions, it still out obligation for her.

She doesn’t seem interested in her own pleasure. I have asked her what she likes/desires, but have received little feedback.

That’s a lot to expect to just happen. Have you ever woken up one day and wanted something you haven’t wanted in 20 years? Would you want to perform it for someone else?

You can bring intimacy into your relationship if you’re willing to do the work. A man doing nothing and complaining has gotten 0 women to be more interested in sex in the history of humanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. In short, I want her to want it and have pleasure in doing so.

We will have sex once a month or so. But with limited exceptions, it still out obligation for her.

She doesn’t seem interested in her own pleasure. I have asked her what she likes/desires, but have received little feedback.

That’s a lot to expect to just happen. Have you ever woken up one day and wanted something you haven’t wanted in 20 years? Would you want to perform it for someone else?

You can bring intimacy into your relationship if you’re willing to do the work. A man doing nothing and complaining has gotten 0 women to be more interested in sex in the history of humanity.

NP. Did you even bother to read the OP? This post is tired. The whole point of OP’s question is asking what he can do.