Wife without interest in intimacy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, do you know if she’s had any past sexual trauma, before she met you?

She did not

[Anonymous]

Reading this post I wonder if I am asexual. I get aroused/wet, feel attraction to men, but I have never orgasmed and sex is a chore for me. I had a nice normal loving 2 parent childhood, no religious issues. I remember my older sister took me to babeland (feminist sex toy store in nyc) for my 16th bday to help me pick out a vibrator. Dh and I still have sex 1-2x a week (we have been married 17 years, have 3 kids), but it is the biggest stressor in our marriage. I try to put on a good act, tell him it feels good, do things I know he likes, but he wants more, he wants me to get more into it, tell him what I like, what turns me on, etc., come up with ideas, and I just can’t really ever think of anything to say. I have never told him I can’t orgasm. I really don’t mind it- I’ve given up at this point- but I get how “not minding it” is not what he’s going for. I feel put off by the pressure to be more passionate or whatever. I wish it could be like giving a foot rub- I enjoy doing something nice for my partner and something intimate, but there is no pretense that is is making me feel a certain way, and there is no pressure around it.

I do kind of feel like this is one thing that would’ve been easier a generation or two ago, when women weren’t expected to really like sex. I did go to a sex therapist once in my 20s, a few months after my dad died. She suggested that my dad may have been abusive (I had not told her he had just died.) my dad and I had been really close and that made me so angry. It also made me feel defective- like something had to have happened to me for something to be “wrong” with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this post I wonder if I am asexual. I get aroused/wet, feel attraction to men, but I have never orgasmed and sex is a chore for me. I had a nice normal loving 2 parent childhood, no religious issues. I remember my older sister took me to babeland (feminist sex toy store in nyc) for my 16th bday to help me pick out a vibrator. Dh and I still have sex 1-2x a week (we have been married 17 years, have 3 kids), but it is the biggest stressor in our marriage. I try to put on a good act, tell him it feels good, do things I know he likes, but he wants more, he wants me to get more into it, tell him what I like, what turns me on, etc., come up with ideas, and I just can’t really ever think of anything to say. I have never told him I can’t orgasm. I really don’t mind it- I’ve given up at this point- but I get how “not minding it” is not what he’s going for. I feel put off by the pressure to be more passionate or whatever. I wish it could be like giving a foot rub- I enjoy doing something nice for my partner and something intimate, but there is no pretense that is is making me feel a certain way, and there is no pressure around it.

I do kind of feel like this is one thing that would’ve been easier a generation or two ago, when women weren’t expected to really like sex. I did go to a sex therapist once in my 20s, a few months after my dad died. She suggested that my dad may have been abusive (I had not told her he had just died.) my dad and I had been really close and that made me so angry. It also made me feel defective- like something had to have happened to me for something to be “wrong” with me.

Why did you go to a sex therapist? Was it to try to “fix” being asexual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might be interested in sex, just not with OP.

+1

Plenty of women get bored of their husbands but then get a second wind with a new partner. One that turns them on and knows how to pleasure them.

Or she’s a lesbian.

Or she never was super attracted to you but liked other parts of you.

Or she just is asexual, though I think that’s statistically unlikely.

If she’s a good wife and mother and friend, just let it go. We don’t all need to be sex kittens in every decade of life. Let her be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said that maybe once on her. When I asked her, she claims that “her parts don’t work like that.”

thanks try oral occasionally, but it’s awkward for her and discourages. Although I do think it finds some pleasure.

How should I bring up a v?

I ask her about like and desires, and the response is much more than clean shave and gentle.

Dude you’re probably bad at oral.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the OP should introduce a fantasy or similar ideas just to see how she reacts?

Being a male not on this situation, I will defer to others on what and how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading this post I wonder if I am asexual. I get aroused/wet, feel attraction to men, but I have never orgasmed and sex is a chore for me. I had a nice normal loving 2 parent childhood, no religious issues. I remember my older sister took me to babeland (feminist sex toy store in nyc) for my 16th bday to help me pick out a vibrator. Dh and I still have sex 1-2x a week (we have been married 17 years, have 3 kids), but it is the biggest stressor in our marriage. I try to put on a good act, tell him it feels good, do things I know he likes, but he wants more, he wants me to get more into it, tell him what I like, what turns me on, etc., come up with ideas, and I just can’t really ever think of anything to say. I have never told him I can’t orgasm. I really don’t mind it- I’ve given up at this point- but I get how “not minding it” is not what he’s going for. I feel put off by the pressure to be more passionate or whatever. I wish it could be like giving a foot rub- I enjoy doing something nice for my partner and something intimate, but there is no pretense that is is making me feel a certain way, and there is no pressure around it.

I do kind of feel like this is one thing that would’ve been easier a generation or two ago, when women weren’t expected to really like sex. I did go to a sex therapist once in my 20s, a few months after my dad died. She suggested that my dad may have been abusive (I had not told her he had just died.) my dad and I had been really close and that made me so angry. It also made me feel defective- like something had to have happened to me for something to be “wrong” with me.

Why did you go to a sex therapist? Was it to try to “fix” being asexual?

Yes

[Anonymous]

^ I guess i thought of it as inability to orgasm. But now sure how that is different

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said that maybe once on her. When I asked her, she claims that “her parts don’t work like that.”

thanks try oral occasionally, but it’s awkward for her and discourages. Although I do think it finds some pleasure.

How should I bring up a v?

I ask her about like and desires, and the response is much more than clean shave and gentle.

Dude you’re probably bad at oral.

Yup, I think this is why she is not into it. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Is the inability to orgasm, with or without a partner, a sure sign of being asexual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the inability to orgasm, with or without a partner, a sure sign of being asexual?

I’m stuck on ‘inability.’. how hard have you tried? I’m a 50YO divorced F. It took me a long time to learn what makes me O (I was probably 30), and it takes a while with each new partner to show them. And I’m not particularly inhibited, I’m just wired tricky. I imagine if I had been raised with sexual inhibitions (say, Catholic, taught that touching myself was bad, etc) I can imagine never having figured it out, but it doesn’t mean I’m unable, it just took work. have you put in the work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said that maybe once on her. When I asked her, she claims that “her parts don’t work like that.”

thanks try oral occasionally, but it’s awkward for her and discourages. Although I do think it finds some pleasure.

How should I bring up a v?

I ask her about like and desires, and the response is much more than clean shave and gentle.

Dude you’re probably bad at oral.

You get good at oral with your partner by her positive feedback, reading her body, reacting to her moves and sounds and by her telling you what feels good if she's willing to talk about it. With a non-responsive partner who just lays there and doesn't even know what gets her off because it's never happened, no man is going to improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the inability to orgasm, with or without a partner, a sure sign of being asexual?

I’m stuck on ‘inability.’. how hard have you tried? I’m a 50YO divorced F. It took me a long time to learn what makes me O (I was probably 30), and it takes a while with each new partner to show them. And I’m not particularly inhibited, I’m just wired tricky. I imagine if I had been raised with sexual inhibitions (say, Catholic, taught that touching myself was bad, etc) I can imagine never having figured it out, but it doesn’t mean I’m unable, it just took work. have you put in the work?

For context, she wasn’t aware of solo until her 20’s. She may have had an O once solo. But isn’t sure. I want her to find pleasure and enjoy the closeness. Getting her to open up to express likes/dislikes is a struggle.

I don’t believe she has ever used a vibrator, toys, watched or read erotica, etc. I bought a little toy and a book on basic intimacy. Neither drew interest, as they were our of her comfort zone.

She is comfortable with the standard position. However, a different routine or exploration has been a no-go since the honeymoon phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the inability to orgasm, with or without a partner, a sure sign of being asexual?

I’m stuck on ‘inability.’. how hard have you tried? I’m a 50YO divorced F. It took me a long time to learn what makes me O (I was probably 30), and it takes a while with each new partner to show them. And I’m not particularly inhibited, I’m just wired tricky. I imagine if I had been raised with sexual inhibitions (say, Catholic, taught that touching myself was bad, etc) I can imagine never having figured it out, but it doesn’t mean I’m unable, it just took work. have you put in the work?

For context, she wasn’t aware of solo until her 20’s. She may have had an O once solo. But isn’t sure. I want her to find pleasure and enjoy the closeness. Getting her to open up to express likes/dislikes is a struggle.

I don’t believe she has ever used a vibrator, toys, watched or read erotica, etc. I bought a little toy and a book on basic intimacy. Neither drew interest, as they were our of her comfort zone.

She is comfortable with the standard position. However, a different routine or exploration has been a no-go since the honeymoon phase.

It seems like she is super open and honest with you about her thoughts and feelings on this.
Why do you keep saying that it’s a struggle to get her to open up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the inability to orgasm, with or without a partner, a sure sign of being asexual?

I’m stuck on ‘inability.’. how hard have you tried? I’m a 50YO divorced F. It took me a long time to learn what makes me O (I was probably 30), and it takes a while with each new partner to show them. And I’m not particularly inhibited, I’m just wired tricky. I imagine if I had been raised with sexual inhibitions (say, Catholic, taught that touching myself was bad, etc) I can imagine never having figured it out, but it doesn’t mean I’m unable, it just took work. have you put in the work?

For context, she wasn’t aware of solo until her 20’s. She may have had an O once solo. But isn’t sure. I want her to find pleasure and enjoy the closeness. Getting her to open up to express likes/dislikes is a struggle.

I don’t believe she has ever used a vibrator, toys, watched or read erotica, etc. I bought a little toy and a book on basic intimacy. Neither drew interest, as they were our of her comfort zone.

She is comfortable with the standard position. However, a different routine or exploration has been a no-go since the honeymoon phase.

It seems like she is super open and honest with you about her thoughts and feelings on this.
Why do you keep saying that it’s a struggle to get her to open up?

In some ways, yes. On the other hand, she hasn’t opened up about what she likes, desires, etc.