Wife without interest in intimacy

[Anonymous]

Been married almost 20-years. Before kids, my wife, even before kids, had a low drive and little interest in having meaningful intimacy. Foreplay, exploring (nothing crazy, lingerie, or spicing it hasn’t been part of intimacy, even though bring it up. she acknowledges solo occasionally (no vibrator) and has never had an “o.”

Are suggestions on how to make intimacy more than sleeping together? Should I even continue effort?

[Anonymous]

She’s never had an O even by herself?

That sucks. I would encourage her to try a V on her own. I also like erotic fiction/romance (I don’t do p-rn names me uncomfortable).

Maybe if she wants she can profess to having you and her try the V together. Does she not like oral?

[Anonymous]

Did you not know or discuss this twenty years ago.. or any time along the way?

She’s probably simply not interested in sex with you outside of making babies..

Sounds like any effort you make will be a no..

[Anonymous]

She said that maybe once on her. When I asked her, she claims that “her parts don’t work like that.”

thanks try oral occasionally, but it’s awkward for her and discourages. Although I do think it finds some pleasure.

How should I bring up a v?

I ask her about like and desires, and the response is much more than clean shave and gentle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you not know or discuss this twenty years ago.. or any time along the way?

She’s probably simply not interested in sex with you outside of making babies..

Sounds like any effort you make will be a no..

Only within the last few years.

What is the best to address this?

[Anonymous]

Don't be needy. At all. Live your life.

Be in shape.

Don't mindlessly rub her arm or whatever when you are in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Do you make her feel like she is beautiful even though everything else is not working?

Do you tell her that you think about her in moments when you're alone?

Have you ever bought her something attractive to wear that feels great but isn't uncomfortably skimpy and doesn't look like a ridiculous costume? Something that feels great to the touch?

Have you told her you love her so much that you would never abandon her, even if you can't fix this part of your marriage?

Those are my honest suggestions. You need to overcome some blahs by starting with the basics. And you won't make much progress if there's no guarantee of attraction, love, and security.

[Anonymous]

Is she giving you permission to get sex elsewhere? If not, she should set you free.

[Anonymous]

How often are you intimate, touching, cuddling, etc. in a NON-SEXUAL manner? Without any expectations or pressure that it will turn sexual and without any “escalating” on your part? She sounds like she’s low drive, but I think you should try baby steps to getting more physical contact in general with the goal of getting her to be more comfortable. Hand holding, back rubs, putting your arm around her on the couch, all that kind of stuff and keep it very G rated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you not know or discuss this twenty years ago.. or any time along the way?

She’s probably simply not interested in sex with you outside of making babies..

Sounds like any effort you make will be a no..

Only within the last few years.

What is the best to address this?

Have another conversation with your wife or counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often are you intimate, touching, cuddling, etc. in a NON-SEXUAL manner? Without any expectations or pressure that it will turn sexual and without any “escalating” on your part? She sounds like she’s low drive, but I think you should try baby steps to getting more physical contact in general with the goal of getting her to be more comfortable. Hand holding, back rubs, putting your arm around her on the couch, all that kind of stuff and keep it very G rated.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is there anything in her past that has made her sexually averse? Suggest counseling.

[Anonymous]

I feel very sad for her! That really should be the focus here. Sex can be shameful for many women. It seems that English isn't your first language - does culture and religion come into play here? Clearly she needs therapy to help work through whatever is holding her back.
Does she drink or do pot? That can help to get her to relax/lower inhibitions at first, while you're in therapy.
Romance and emotional intimacy come BEFORE physical intimacy, so please be sure you're doing those things.
Carry your weight with the kids and the house. Don't act like a child she needs to take care of. None of these things are attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often are you intimate, touching, cuddling, etc. in a NON-SEXUAL manner? Without any expectations or pressure that it will turn sexual and without any “escalating” on your part? She sounds like she’s low drive, but I think you should try baby steps to getting more physical contact in general with the goal of getting her to be more comfortable. Hand holding, back rubs, putting your arm around her on the couch, all that kind of stuff and keep it very G rated.

This advice falls into the do more chores category. Good to try but temper expectations. Often claiming lack of non sexual contact or chores is just a diversion/defensive response to let herself off the hook and redirect fault towards you. Both are obviously relationship responsibilities but there’s not a defined level of either where she cant continue saying “maybe it would be different if you did more”

[Anonymous]

Your wife has never had an orgasm in 20 years of having sex with you, and you have never addressed this?