Wife without interest in intimacy
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Anonymous
| Is your wife open to couples therapy with a licensed sex therapist? That’s the only way I see of clarifying what’s actually going on here. Your wife could be asexual, she could have ongoing trauma from an assault, she could be a lesbian, she could hate you or she could just have intimacy issues for whatever reason. No way to know and clearly your attempts at talking to her about this are going nowhere. It’s not working between the two of you so you need to bring in a professional who can help you both figure out what is going on and if there is a way to improve this sad situation. |
Anonymous
+1 And wanting her to want something - no. |
Anonymous
Yeah, probably. 20 years is on the extreme side, but I can see how the years could get away from someone. Maybe they're both shy about sex - even religious - so that they don't talk about it; maybe don't even do it until they're married. Poor communication habits are possibly combined with her faking a little bit. Or maybe the novelty had her enjoying sex to some degree even if she wasn't having orgasms. Then kids come along. Through the pregnancy, infant, and maybe toddler years, there are built-in excuses. She doesn't want to talk about it because sex just isn't that interesting to her, and she'd prefer to avoid the subject. He doesn't talk about it because he's trying to be a good husband - what kind of monster pressures his wife for sex when she's pregnant or dealing with the challenges of new motherhood? By the time the second or third kid is school age, maybe you're 10-15 years into the relationship. The novelty is gone, the rationalizations are gone, and the sex is gone too. |
Anonymous
Agree: she is the “A,” and in: The A in LGTBQIA++. It’s simple, gay males want sex with biological males; lesbians prefer sexual relations with other women. Asexuals prefer to have sex: NOT AT ALL. Not even with themselves in many cases (and OP’s wife has never had an “O” even alone). You may be wondering about how her kids exist; she likely tolerated her husband doing it to her so that she could get pregnant. That does not mean she enjoyed or desired any part of it. Maybe they did IVF. But the bottom line is: - her sexual orientation is a complete mismatch to that of her straight male husband. That’s the issue. Occasionally “tolerates sex” is not a substitute for a love life and OP should not have to put up with it or live that way. If she refuses sex-therapy (alone or as a couple), have the marriage annulled for being mislead, and move on to dating straight women who have libidos. |
Anonymous
Yep. She doesn’t want sex He won’t ask or inquire No medical issues Don’t seem to have issues elsewhere Have kids Don’t want to divorce Cheaper to stay married = Married Roomies |
Anonymous
The issue is OP is straight, while his wife, is : LGTBQIA+ She is specifically “asexual.” Her sexual preference is: no sex. At all. Not even with herself. She may still have feelings of “love” for the OP. But “marital love” in her mind, includes never, ever, having sex or sexual activity. |
Anonymous
Thanks for putting this into words. |
Anonymous
Is there a subtle way of testing whether of testing whether she is asexual? Perhaps some kind of scenario to see if no sex is really the preference ? |
Anonymous
| She might be interested in sex, just not with OP. |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
Yeah, statistically speaking she's more likely to be interested with a new partner than she is to be asexual. |
Anonymous
Doubt it - she married OP; she would've made do by now. She's Asexual. |
Anonymous
Agree; she is now “asexual,” which is part of lgtbqia++ identity. She may have been asexual since birth; some people simply are asexual. But it places OP in a dilemma, doesn’t everyone agree on that? |
Anonymous
Sure does. OP - Do share back on how you navigate this . |
Anonymous
| Op, do you know if she’s had any past sexual trauma, before she met you? |