Wife without interest in intimacy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the inability to orgasm, with or without a partner, a sure sign of being asexual?

I’m stuck on ‘inability.’. how hard have you tried? I’m a 50YO divorced F. It took me a long time to learn what makes me O (I was probably 30), and it takes a while with each new partner to show them. And I’m not particularly inhibited, I’m just wired tricky. I imagine if I had been raised with sexual inhibitions (say, Catholic, taught that touching myself was bad, etc) I can imagine never having figured it out, but it doesn’t mean I’m unable, it just took work. have you put in the work?

For context, she wasn’t aware of solo until her 20’s. She may have had an O once solo. But isn’t sure. I want her to find pleasure and enjoy the closeness. Getting her to open up to express likes/dislikes is a struggle.

I don’t believe she has ever used a vibrator, toys, watched or read erotica, etc. I bought a little toy and a book on basic intimacy. Neither drew interest, as they were our of her comfort zone.

She is comfortable with the standard position. However, a different routine or exploration has been a no-go since the honeymoon phase.

It seems like she is super open and honest with you about her thoughts and feelings on this.
Why do you keep saying that it’s a struggle to get her to open up?

In some ways, yes. On the other hand, she hasn’t opened up about what she likes, desires, etc.

because she hasnt figured it out. and your pressure and making it about you is not helping. I feel sad for her, not finding her bliss, but you insisting she must find it and tell you about it is only going to make it harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the inability to orgasm, with or without a partner, a sure sign of being asexual?

I’m stuck on ‘inability.’. how hard have you tried? I’m a 50YO divorced F. It took me a long time to learn what makes me O (I was probably 30), and it takes a while with each new partner to show them. And I’m not particularly inhibited, I’m just wired tricky. I imagine if I had been raised with sexual inhibitions (say, Catholic, taught that touching myself was bad, etc) I can imagine never having figured it out, but it doesn’t mean I’m unable, it just took work. have you put in the work?

For context, she wasn’t aware of solo until her 20’s. She may have had an O once solo. But isn’t sure. I want her to find pleasure and enjoy the closeness. Getting her to open up to express likes/dislikes is a struggle.

I don’t believe she has ever used a vibrator, toys, watched or read erotica, etc. I bought a little toy and a book on basic intimacy. Neither drew interest, as they were our of her comfort zone.

She is comfortable with the standard position. However, a different routine or exploration has been a no-go since the honeymoon phase.

It seems like she is super open and honest with you about her thoughts and feelings on this.
Why do you keep saying that it’s a struggle to get her to open up?

In some ways, yes. On the other hand, she hasn’t opened up about what she likes, desires, etc.

Wait. You think she has secret desires that she isn’t sharing with you, even though she loves you and knows that you desperately want her to have these? She’s just keeping them to herself?

Do you think that my husband also has secret desires to go to the ballet, but he won’t share with me the specific ones he loves? Or do you think he’s telling the truth when he says that what he likes is being with me and knowing how much I love it?

[Anonymous]

Fairly normal, otherwise you wouldn’t see a 50’peecenr divorce rate

[Anonymous]

How much of that 50 percent are related to the issues the OP has raised ?

[Anonymous]

My DH is just bad at it. He would probably post here saying similar things to what OP is saying and expressing befuddlement. But the truth from my perspective is that DH is way too into meeting his needs and completely impatient, and every time he’s said he’s doing something for me, it lasts about 35 seconds and then he moves onto his own pleasure and then carefully scrutinizes me to see how good he did. It’s uncomfortable and boring and he’s frankly selfish, and yet he sees himself as super generous and skilled.

I was happy when a really intense surgery involving my reproductive organs put me on the bench for an extended amount of time so we could just not bother. He was that bad.

I’ve tried to explain it to him but he just doesn’t get it and truly believes he’s great at what he is doing.

OP, take a truly honest look at how you’re approaching this. If it’s about anything but her pleasure, then it’s about your ego and you’re not doing a good job. I would also investigate if you are on the spectrum. My DH is and he just cannot put his own pleasure or needs fully aside to try to make someone else feel good. It’s always him first, then the other person.

[Anonymous]

Do most women share some desires? What a it foreplay? Do most women want to wear lingerie? should it only be the husband that suggests having sex?

In other words, what is normal for a marital couple and what are signs that there may be issues ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do most women share some desires? What a it foreplay? Do most women want to wear lingerie? should it only be the husband that suggests having sex?

In other words, what is normal for a marital couple and what are signs that there may be issues ?

The standard among professional sex therapists is: fewer than 12 instances of coitus per year (12 months) meets the definition of “sexless marriage.”

However, in OP’s case, the coitus is in fact occurring; the issue is the spouse appears to derive absolutely no pleasure from it. There is no evidence that sex or masturbation ever held any pleasure or enjoyment for her.

Plus, she is no longer interested in conception, so there appears to be absolutely no purpose in sexual activity for her.

OP added there was no history of trauma.

Hence, it appears she is an asexual person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do most women share some desires? What a it foreplay? Do most women want to wear lingerie? should it only be the husband that suggests having sex?

In other words, what is normal for a marital couple and what are signs that there may be issues ?

It’s normal to have sex at least once a month or more. And enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do most women share some desires? What a it foreplay? Do most women want to wear lingerie? should it only be the husband that suggests having sex?

In other words, what is normal for a marital couple and what are signs that there may be issues ?

The standard among professional sex therapists is: fewer than 12 instances of coitus per year (12 months) meets the definition of “sexless marriage.”

However, in OP’s case, the coitus is in fact occurring; the issue is the spouse appears to derive absolutely no pleasure from it. There is no evidence that sex or masturbation ever held any pleasure or enjoyment for her.

Plus, she is no longer interested in conception, so there appears to be absolutely no purpose in sexual activity for her.

OP added there was no history of trauma.

Hence, it appears she is an asexual person.

How can I bring this up without upsetting her ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do most women share some desires? What a it foreplay? Do most women want to wear lingerie? should it only be the husband that suggests having sex?

In other words, what is normal for a marital couple and what are signs that there may be issues ?

The standard among professional sex therapists is: fewer than 12 instances of coitus per year (12 months) meets the definition of “sexless marriage.”

However, in OP’s case, the coitus is in fact occurring; the issue is the spouse appears to derive absolutely no pleasure from it. There is no evidence that sex or masturbation ever held any pleasure or enjoyment for her.

Plus, she is no longer interested in conception, so there appears to be absolutely no purpose in sexual activity for her.

OP added there was no history of trauma.

Hence, it appears she is an asexual person.

How can I bring this up without upsetting her ?

You can't. There is no way to bring this up without the act of doing so causing friction. Best you can do is to communicate in an adult fashion without being a jackass about it. State your reasonable concerns. Be mindful of her perspective. Don't use sweeping language. Don't use accusatory language. The bedrock poles of the conversation are that you are entitled to want to have sex (even if you aren't entitled to have it) and she is entitled to do or not do whatever she wants with her body. If you love each other, you should try to work toward bridging the gap between your wants. If it simply can't be done, then the relationship might have to end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do most women share some desires? What a it foreplay? Do most women want to wear lingerie? should it only be the husband that suggests having sex?

In other words, what is normal for a marital couple and what are signs that there may be issues ?

The standard among professional sex therapists is: fewer than 12 instances of coitus per year (12 months) meets the definition of “sexless marriage.”

However, in OP’s case, the coitus is in fact occurring; the issue is the spouse appears to derive absolutely no pleasure from it. There is no evidence that sex or masturbation ever held any pleasure or enjoyment for her.

Plus, she is no longer interested in conception, so there appears to be absolutely no purpose in sexual activity for her.

OP added there was no history of trauma.

Hence, it appears she is an asexual person.

How can I bring this up without upsetting her ?

You can't. There is no way to bring this up without the act of doing so causing friction. Best you can do is to communicate in an adult fashion without being a jackass about it. State your reasonable concerns. Be mindful of her perspective. Don't use sweeping language. Don't use accusatory language. The bedrock poles of the conversation are that you are entitled to want to have sex (even if you aren't entitled to have it) and she is entitled to do or not do whatever she wants with her body. If you love each other, you should try to work toward bridging the gap between your wants. If it simply can't be done, then the relationship might have to end.

+1

The “sexual mismatch” here might be irreconcilable.

[Anonymous]

He should suggest a threesome, open relationship, porn, or just something novel to gauge her reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do most women share some desires? What a it foreplay? Do most women want to wear lingerie? should it only be the husband that suggests having sex?

In other words, what is normal for a marital couple and what are signs that there may be issues ?

The standard among professional sex therapists is: fewer than 12 instances of coitus per year (12 months) meets the definition of “sexless marriage.”

However, in OP’s case, the coitus is in fact occurring; the issue is the spouse appears to derive absolutely no pleasure from it. There is no evidence that sex or masturbation ever held any pleasure or enjoyment for her.

Plus, she is no longer interested in conception, so there appears to be absolutely no purpose in sexual activity for her.

OP added there was no history of trauma.

Hence, it appears she is an asexual person.

How can I bring this up without upsetting her ?

Before you bring it up to her, you should figure out your own issues.
Like, what was going on with you when you were dating that made you decide to be with someone who had a low libido and wasn’t that interested in sex? Did you have low self-esteem? Was it a religious thing? Did you imagine that you would be the one person who could change her?

If you can bring up your own part in it without criticizing her, then maybe it won’t be upsetting?

[Anonymous]

What do you actually want? “Her to want it” is probably not achievable, at least not in the short term. Her to think it’s a problem that she doesn’t want it? Her to do it even if she doesn’t want it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do most women share some desires? What a it foreplay? Do most women want to wear lingerie? should it only be the husband that suggests having sex?

In other words, what is normal for a marital couple and what are signs that there may be issues ?

It’s normal for most women to want this early in a relationship and then for it to kind of wane over time.

It’s NOT normal for a woman who was never that sexual to suddenly be excited about sex 20 years into marriage.