Boyfriend wants to control me

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

It wasn’t a “sweet deal” d*ckhead. That’s the point. Now OP knows.

You seem to think the fact that he paid her rent means she deserves to be controlled.

Someone paying my rent and utilities is absolutely a sweet deal. What planet do you live on. She just wants her cake and eat it too.

Exactly! She thought she found a gravy train and is now disappointed there are strings. Be an adult, pay for your own s*** and no one can say anything to you about getting your nails done or massages.

Until then? You’re basically a child. A dependent. His house his rules.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

What dictation? He criticized her spending. He didn’t order her to stop it.

I agree this is a passive aggressive way of expressing resentment about the terms of the arrangement. Some groceries and the like is not equivalent of rent.

OP should suggest a financial reset and insist on paying half the rent and bills (or whatever proportion is right for any income differential).

Perhaps he didn't know just how much she spends on frivolous things every month, but after a month of living together he is finally realizing. So he is trying to feel out the situation and plan for his future with her. There is nothing wrong with asking questions about things that financially impact him too. And the things that she spends money on may be important to her but they are a waste of time so calling them that is not controlling or abusive.

And he's also realizing that by paying for all the rent and housing costs, he is enabling her to spend on things he disagrees with. There is probably a compromise to be found through good communication.

Yeah, but it doesn't start with "he is trying to control me."

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Why aren't you paying for housing and all housing related expenses. That is typically a major adult life expense and if you are absolving yourself of that adult basic responsiblity then it seems he has good reason for concern. Similar if he is absolving himself of all household responsibilites and contributes nothing to cooking, cleaning and house maintenance then you also have a reason for concern - just a different reason. You are young, unmarried adults. You should both be able to manage basic adulting. You should have equal financial responsibilities and he should have equal household responsiblities and if you have decided no we are more into traditional gender roles then don't compain when he takes charge of the role he has been assigned.

I offered to split all bills 50/50 but he said no. He wanted to continue to pay the main bills because that’s his job as a provider ( his words). I didn’t want to pay nothing so we came to the agreement that I will pay groceries, outings, and my own personal bills.

I’ve always paid my own way since I moved out at 20. I’m 25 and lived on my own for years as an adult.

My bf is older and said a lot of this stuff is his responsibility. He’s 34.

So you want a traditional relationship since you agreed to this? But then you also object to him having say over how you spend the money. I think you have a lot of growing up to do. Women who are grown and independent pay their own bills.

Yeah part of being a tradwife is giving him control over all of the finances. That’s the deal.

Unless you want to be a trad wife OP, you need to fix this or get out now.

You are setting the precedent that you handle all household stuff even though you are also working full-time too.

Is that what you want?

If you ever did marry this guy and have kids you would be fully responsible for all kid related things. And, even if he was okay with you stopping work to be a stay at home parent - guess what - he's already shown you he would control ALL the money and not "approve" of spending anything on you.

I hope this is a troll. If not, get out!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh great, now we are back to she is just a woman - she isn't capable of making her own decisions or being responsible for her choices. Why are people thinking she could make her own decisions? Everything is his fault. You can't fault her or put any responsiblity on her - she is just a woman. And everyone knows all a woman can be is a helpless, hapless, naive victim.

Women, even smart women, end up in abusive situations. Most normal people are interested in helping them get out, but you seem to be getting off at kicking someone when she’s down. why is that?

Because I disagree with you that women like OP are dumb, weak, naive, and incapable of making decisions or being responsible for their own decisions and choices. THat hey exist only at the whim of men. I have a much, much higher view of women than you do and as a woman, I find your view that she is just a woman and so any expectation of her other than being a victim isn't reasonable to be incredibly insulting.

Being abused doesn’t have to do with being dumb, weak or naive. I’m not even going to bother to respond to the rest of what you’ve written.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

What dictation? He criticized her spending. He didn’t order her to stop it.

I agree this is a passive aggressive way of expressing resentment about the terms of the arrangement. Some groceries and the like is not equivalent of rent.

OP should suggest a financial reset and insist on paying half the rent and bills (or whatever proportion is right for any income differential).

Perhaps he didn't know just how much she spends on frivolous things every month, but after a month of living together he is finally realizing. So he is trying to feel out the situation and plan for his future with her. There is nothing wrong with asking questions about things that financially impact him too. And the things that she spends money on may be important to her but they are a waste of time so calling them that is not controlling or abusive.

And he's also realizing that by paying for all the rent and housing costs, he is enabling her to spend on things he disagrees with. There is probably a compromise to be found through good communication.

That’s the whole point - he thinks the fact that he pressured her into not paying rent now means he gets to weigh in on all of her financies.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh great, now we are back to she is just a woman - she isn't capable of making her own decisions or being responsible for her choices. Why are people thinking she could make her own decisions? Everything is his fault. You can't fault her or put any responsiblity on her - she is just a woman. And everyone knows all a woman can be is a helpless, hapless, naive victim.

Women, even smart women, end up in abusive situations. Most normal people are interested in helping them get out, but you seem to be getting off at kicking someone when she’s down. why is that?

Because I disagree with you that women like OP are dumb, weak, naive, and incapable of making decisions or being responsible for their own decisions and choices. THat hey exist only at the whim of men. I have a much, much higher view of women than you do and as a woman, I find your view that she is just a woman and so any expectation of her other than being a victim isn't reasonable to be incredibly insulting.

Being abused doesn’t have to do with being dumb, weak or naive. I’m not even going to bother to respond to the rest of what you’ve written.

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There is zero evidence that OP is being abused. Stop being so anti-women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

We are all entitled to spend on our hobbies and interests, even those others find “wasteful,” provided you aren’t overspending, which it doesn’t sound like you are. For one thing I assume you both have more cash flow given shared housing.

That said, I can’t square the words “occasional splurge” with “monthly.” By definition a monthly expense isn’t “occasional.” I certainly don’t begrudge the massage, but the way you describe this makes it sound like you don’t actually know how much you spend on these things and have no budget, which probably contributes to his perception that you spend frivolously.

I don’t see “controlling” behavior so much as a clash of values. You need to get on the same page with money goals as a couple (assuming you are at that stage in your relationship, but why would you move in together if you aren’t?). You need an actual budget that includes “fun money” and neither of you gets to criticize how the other uses those funds.

I and some fixed splurges but the occasionally splurges were occasionally I will get a manicure or buy some skincare or a fancier shampoo to try. That’s only like 1-2 times a year.

I would say my expenses are tame. I spend pretty cheaply on skincare. I use the same body wash for face wash. Then it’s just a serum, moisturizer and sun screen in the morning. Each products last me about 3 months. I spend about $150 every 3 months on these. I get a monthly massage. That’s pretty much the extent on my pampering.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Oh she will. She definitely will. Time is free, which she is willing to let him control. Money is not apparently. Lol!

And it's really nice to have a man pay your bills. No wonder she has all of this extra money to spend on BS.

Exactly. Is he controlling or is she using him so she can save and spend as she likes w/o having to make rent?

I’m not using him to save money. I was already saving money when I was living on my own. The money I used to spend on my place ( I bought a condo at 22) is now put into a separate account for our future like our wedding or down payment on a house. It’s still my money but I’ve been putting it aside so he doesn’t have to endure all the expenses.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Go back to class, OP.

I’m a grown woman. You go sit down.

Your spending habits suggest that of a pampered child.

Leave, please, he can do better.

She has a 25% savings rate.

How much do you make, OP? If you have a good salary and save 25% of it, you are probably doing far better than 99% of other women, so if you leave, he'll downgrade. Maybe he would be happier with a woman who earns little but saves a lot. One who shops at Target doesn't wear makeup or put any other costly effort into her appearance.

I think a 25% savings rate is fine and he hasn't even proposed so he doesn't get to criticize it.

I make $175k. I save between $25-30k/yr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Go back to class, OP.

I’m a grown woman. You go sit down.

Your spending habits suggest that of a pampered child.

Leave, please, he can do better.

She has a 25% savings rate.

How much do you make, OP? If you have a good salary and save 25% of it, you are probably doing far better than 99% of other women, so if you leave, he'll downgrade. Maybe he would be happier with a woman who earns little but saves a lot. One who shops at Target doesn't wear makeup or put any other costly effort into her appearance.

I think a 25% savings rate is fine and he hasn't even proposed so he doesn't get to criticize it.

That % would be a lot smaller if she was paying for her own housing. Why is she using him to subsidize her spending/saving?

I was savings a large chunk when I lived on my own. At least $20k/yr went into savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh great, now we are back to she is just a woman - she isn't capable of making her own decisions or being responsible for her choices. Why are people thinking she could make her own decisions? Everything is his fault. You can't fault her or put any responsiblity on her - she is just a woman. And everyone knows all a woman can be is a helpless, hapless, naive victim.

Women, even smart women, end up in abusive situations. Most normal people are interested in helping them get out, but you seem to be getting off at kicking someone when she’s down. why is that?

You have zero basis to allege abuse here. You're just projecting. Either deal with facts from this post or start another one about abused women. OP is not being abused.

There is no abuse and I’m not a helpless victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

We are all entitled to spend on our hobbies and interests, even those others find “wasteful,” provided you aren’t overspending, which it doesn’t sound like you are. For one thing I assume you both have more cash flow given shared housing.

That said, I can’t square the words “occasional splurge” with “monthly.” By definition a monthly expense isn’t “occasional.” I certainly don’t begrudge the massage, but the way you describe this makes it sound like you don’t actually know how much you spend on these things and have no budget, which probably contributes to his perception that you spend frivolously.

I don’t see “controlling” behavior so much as a clash of values. You need to get on the same page with money goals as a couple (assuming you are at that stage in your relationship, but why would you move in together if you aren’t?). You need an actual budget that includes “fun money” and neither of you gets to criticize how the other uses those funds.

I and some fixed splurges but the occasionally splurges were occasionally I will get a manicure or buy some skincare or a fancier shampoo to try. That’s only like 1-2 times a year.

I would say my expenses are tame. I spend pretty cheaply on skincare. I use the same body wash for face wash. Then it’s just a serum, moisturizer and sun screen in the morning. Each products last me about 3 months. I spend about $150 every 3 months on these. I get a monthly massage. That’s pretty much the extent on my pampering.

That’s literally not what you wrote in your op. Stop trying to back pedal, you already wrote how much of a pampered princess you are 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go back to class, OP.

I’m a grown woman. You go sit down.

Your spending habits suggest that of a pampered child.

Leave, please, he can do better.

She has a 25% savings rate.

How much do you make, OP? If you have a good salary and save 25% of it, you are probably doing far better than 99% of other women, so if you leave, he'll downgrade. Maybe he would be happier with a woman who earns little but saves a lot. One who shops at Target doesn't wear makeup or put any other costly effort into her appearance.

I think a 25% savings rate is fine and he hasn't even proposed so he doesn't get to criticize it.

I make $175k. I save between $25-30k/yr.

Wow, time to go back to elementary. That is nowhere near 25%.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Oh she will. She definitely will. Time is free, which she is willing to let him control. Money is not apparently. Lol!

And it's really nice to have a man pay your bills. No wonder she has all of this extra money to spend on BS.

Exactly. Is he controlling or is she using him so she can save and spend as she likes w/o having to make rent?

I’m not using him to save money. I was already saving money when I was living on my own. The money I used to spend on my place ( I bought a condo at 22) is now put into a separate account for our future like our wedding or down payment on a house. It’s still my money but I’ve been putting it aside so he doesn’t have to endure all the expenses.

So you’re making good money, have rental income coming in and you STILL won’t pay rent? Lolol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dump him and he will realize what a stupid ass he is. or ask him to go to therapy first and work on his issues. Did he grow up poor?

Did she grow up poor? Over compensating.
How the heck did ti all come out now? Move out. There is no coming together. You had to know you are over the top as you were writing it.