Boyfriend wants to control me

[Anonymous]

Move on. If you want an equal relationship though, you will need to step up and be an equal partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Welp I guess I should have read all the replies. This is the problem. He actually ISN’T comfortable covering all bills, and his criticism is a passive aggressive way of telling you this. Sounds like he thinks “if she can afford all this crap why can’t she pay some rent”.
I still assert that it’s your money, but I was also basing my answer on you paying your own share/adult way. Which you are not. Soo idk now. Definitely a conversation in order, but I don’t think he’s *that* out of line if you aren’t contributing to house expenses, but saving and splurging on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

Ideal partnership to help you two find a good financial balance, far better than two frugals or two big spenders.

Agree. I think it's fine. My husband and I are likely this to a degree.

You do need to really learn how to communicate once you have shared finances and shared goals. But I think having one spender and one saver works pretty well, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, OP, did you pay rent?

I think she doesn't pay rent and this is why th boyfriend is (justifiably) annoyed.

You need to contribute to housing costs. Does he have a mortgage? He can charge you rent. If he's renting, just pay some portion of it. Figure out how to do this, and watch the tension disappear.

[Anonymous]

Pay your share of rent and other expenses so he is less stressed about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go back to class, OP.

I’m a grown woman. You go sit down.

A grown woman doesn’t ask this kind of question, regardless of her age.

NP. Why not? She is in the learning stage of life, and she's asking for thoughts here. It's no wonder our world is such a mess with people like this PP.

OP, if you're saving 25% and can continue to save that or more, I don't see anything wrong with it. More importantly, this will not get better with him. And if you get married and have kids, it will be one big battle for how you spend any money.

I would move out and reevaluate. Sorry

[Anonymous]

If he wasn't covering lions share of expenses, he'll also have leftovers for luxuries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Welp I guess I should have read all the replies. This is the problem. He actually ISN’T comfortable covering all bills, and his criticism is a passive aggressive way of telling you this. Sounds like he thinks “if she can afford all this crap why can’t she pay some rent”.
I still assert that it’s your money, but I was also basing my answer on you paying your own share/adult way. Which you are not. Soo idk now. Definitely a conversation in order, but I don’t think he’s *that* out of line if you aren’t contributing to house expenses, but saving and splurging on yourself.

DP. Same here. I was Team OP until I kept reading and it appears OP isn't paying rent/mortgage. Then BF sees all her pampering and he's no longer okay with her not paying 50/50 on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Why aren't you paying for housing and all housing related expenses. That is typically a major adult life expense and if you are absolving yourself of that adult basic responsiblity then it seems he has good reason for concern. Similar if he is absolving himself of all household responsibilites and contributes nothing to cooking, cleaning and house maintenance then you also have a reason for concern - just a different reason. You are young, unmarried adults. You should both be able to manage basic adulting. You should have equal financial responsibilities and he should have equal household responsiblities and if you have decided no we are more into traditional gender roles then don't compain when he takes charge of the role he has been assigned.

I offered to split all bills 50/50 but he said no. He wanted to continue to pay the main bills because that’s his job as a provider ( his words). I didn’t want to pay nothing so we came to the agreement that I will pay groceries, outings, and my own personal bills.

I’ve always paid my own way since I moved out at 20. I’m 25 and lived on my own for years as an adult.

My bf is older and said a lot of this stuff is his responsibility. He’s 34.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I think you are not compatible. These are different ways of looking at life

This. Didn't you know this about him before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Why aren't you paying for housing and all housing related expenses. That is typically a major adult life expense and if you are absolving yourself of that adult basic responsiblity then it seems he has good reason for concern. Similar if he is absolving himself of all household responsibilites and contributes nothing to cooking, cleaning and house maintenance then you also have a reason for concern - just a different reason. You are young, unmarried adults. You should both be able to manage basic adulting. You should have equal financial responsibilities and he should have equal household responsiblities and if you have decided no we are more into traditional gender roles then don't compain when he takes charge of the role he has been assigned.

I offered to split all bills 50/50 but he said no. He wanted to continue to pay the main bills because that’s his job as a provider ( his words). I didn’t want to pay nothing so we came to the agreement that I will pay groceries, outings, and my own personal bills.

I’ve always paid my own way since I moved out at 20. I’m 25 and lived on my own for years as an adult.

My bf is older and said a lot of this stuff is his responsibility. He’s 34.

So you want a traditional relationship since you agreed to this? But then you also object to him having say over how you spend the money. I think you have a lot of growing up to do. Women who are grown and independent pay their own bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Why aren't you paying for housing and all housing related expenses. That is typically a major adult life expense and if you are absolving yourself of that adult basic responsiblity then it seems he has good reason for concern. Similar if he is absolving himself of all household responsibilites and contributes nothing to cooking, cleaning and house maintenance then you also have a reason for concern - just a different reason. You are young, unmarried adults. You should both be able to manage basic adulting. You should have equal financial responsibilities and he should have equal household responsiblities and if you have decided no we are more into traditional gender roles then don't compain when he takes charge of the role he has been assigned.

I offered to split all bills 50/50 but he said no. He wanted to continue to pay the main bills because that’s his job as a provider ( his words). I didn’t want to pay nothing so we came to the agreement that I will pay groceries, outings, and my own personal bills.

I’ve always paid my own way since I moved out at 20. I’m 25 and lived on my own for years as an adult.

My bf is older and said a lot of this stuff is his responsibility. He’s 34.

If you are accepting traditional gender roles where he pays and you cook and clean, then yes, the money is under his gender role. Otherwise when he said I am the provider and you cook and clean - you would have balked at that and said no - I am just as capable of being a financial equal and you are capable of being a domestic equal. If you accepted traditional roles then you don't get to complain about how he manages money and he shouldn't complain about the food you put on the table. You aren't acing like an equal so I don't know why you expect him to treat you like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Why aren't you paying for housing and all housing related expenses. That is typically a major adult life expense and if you are absolving yourself of that adult basic responsiblity then it seems he has good reason for concern. Similar if he is absolving himself of all household responsibilites and contributes nothing to cooking, cleaning and house maintenance then you also have a reason for concern - just a different reason. You are young, unmarried adults. You should both be able to manage basic adulting. You should have equal financial responsibilities and he should have equal household responsiblities and if you have decided no we are more into traditional gender roles then don't compain when he takes charge of the role he has been assigned.

I offered to split all bills 50/50 but he said no. He wanted to continue to pay the main bills because that’s his job as a provider ( his words). I didn’t want to pay nothing so we came to the agreement that I will pay groceries, outings, and my own personal bills.

I’ve always paid my own way since I moved out at 20. I’m 25 and lived on my own for years as an adult.

My bf is older and said a lot of this stuff is his responsibility. He’s 34.

So you want a traditional relationship since you agreed to this? But then you also object to him having say over how you spend the money. I think you have a lot of growing up to do. Women who are grown and independent pay their own bills.

This. Really, OP. You aren’t paying your way. You’re letting him pay and using his reasons as excuses for not paying.

[Anonymous]

Leave, you are exhausting with your constant posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go back to class, OP.

I’m a grown woman. You go sit down.

Your spending habits suggest that of a pampered child.

Leave, please, he can do better.

No. I’m just a grown woman who makes my own money and don’t feel my spending needs to be monitored by a man who isn’t even my husband.

But would you want him monitoring you closely if he WAS your husband?

If you are looking long term together, you guys need a joint budget and a joint savings goal. And you should have a discretionary amount to spend on what you want. If you are not looking long term, you should move back out ot your own place.