Boyfriend wants to control me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are far more practical about money. Women tend to spend whatever is put in their hands. He has a point, OP. He is observing how you spend money and wondering: Would I want to marry this woman who doesn't seem to have very good self-control over her own spending? Your debts would become his debts, you know. Men don't want a woman who will run up random bills. That's just the way they are, OP.

I don’t have debts. I’m 25 and have zero debts. Paid my way through college and already paid off the small loan I took out. Car is paid off. I bought a condo and sold it 3 years later and made a large profit off of it. I already have a half a year’s salary worth in my 401k and Roth IRA. I have close to $200k in savings.

I don’t sponge off my bf. He wants to pay the bills. I pay some and the rent portion I would pay him is set aside in a savings account for when we get married. I’m contributing monthly to plan for a wedding and a down payment on a home.

He thinks makeup is nasty and prefers I not wear it. He thinks the manicure is dumb. He supports my basic skincare because it’s an investment in my future looks. Massage is helpful.

I’ve always thought that he is just trying to get me to stop wearing makeup. He hates and prefers the days I don’t wear it.

He’s happy. He has a girlfriend who loves him, an equal partner, and he gets sex whenever he wants it. Most 34 year old men don’t have that.

Oh and we won’t be having kids. Neither of us want them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

We are all entitled to spend on our hobbies and interests, even those others find “wasteful,” provided you aren’t overspending, which it doesn’t sound like you are. For one thing I assume you both have more cash flow given shared housing.

That said, I can’t square the words “occasional splurge” with “monthly.” By definition a monthly expense isn’t “occasional.” I certainly don’t begrudge the massage, but the way you describe this makes it sound like you don’t actually know how much you spend on these things and have no budget, which probably contributes to his perception that you spend frivolously.

I don’t see “controlling” behavior so much as a clash of values. You need to get on the same page with money goals as a couple (assuming you are at that stage in your relationship, but why would you move in together if you aren’t?). You need an actual budget that includes “fun money” and neither of you gets to criticize how the other uses those funds.

I and some fixed splurges but the occasionally splurges were occasionally I will get a manicure or buy some skincare or a fancier shampoo to try. That’s only like 1-2 times a year.

I would say my expenses are tame. I spend pretty cheaply on skincare. I use the same body wash for face wash. Then it’s just a serum, moisturizer and sun screen in the morning. Each products last me about 3 months. I spend about $150 every 3 months on these. I get a monthly massage. That’s pretty much the extent on my pampering.

That’s literally not what you wrote in your op. Stop trying to back pedal, you already wrote how much of a pampered princess you are 🙄

How is it not? Op wrote

“ I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.“.

She reiterated occasional splurges and went into detail about what she spends her money on.

She also says
“like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense.”

She likes nice cosmetics, not cheap ones as she tries to back track. She even calls what she’s doing pampering. Then when people pushed back on that, all of a sudden she’s shopping at target for cheap makeup etc, even after she said she likes fancy ones? Cmon, it’s so transparent and lame.
Basic troll behavior too, not being able to keep their story straight.

You misunderstood me. I don’t consider Target that cheap but I buy majority of skincare and cosmetics cheap. I will occasionally splurge on a nice shampoo, nice cosmetics, and nice skincare. I consider even the most cheap routine pampering. It’s a little time I get to just myself to shower and do my little routine while listening to calming sounds or music.

Yeah, you enjoy the fruit of your labor and pamper yourself with drugstore brands and consider that “nice”. Stop lying good lord. It doesn’t even matter what we think, your daddy-bf who pays all your bills thinks it’s too much. Either you get with his program or you leave and start paying your own way.

Man your life must be miserable for you to be on my post caring so much.

It’s my money. I will spend how I want to. My skincare is $100 every 3 months. That isn’t cheap for a 25 year old. There are also plenty of nice drugstore brands. It’s stupid to pay more when brands like La Roche Posay, Cerave, and Naturium are just as nice. Makeup is waste to spend big money on. I prefer L’Oréal and Covergirl. They work and I’m not paying big money on makeup.

I spend the occasion $100 on a mani and pedi. My massage costs me $180. That’s the extent of what I spend my money on for myself.

Restaurants we spend a lot on but we like to try new spots and eating out is expensive in general. I have no issues dropping $200 on dinner for the experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are far more practical about money. Women tend to spend whatever is put in their hands. He has a point, OP. He is observing how you spend money and wondering: Would I want to marry this woman who doesn't seem to have very good self-control over her own spending? Your debts would become his debts, you know. Men don't want a woman who will run up random bills. That's just the way they are, OP.

I don’t have debts. I’m 25 and have zero debts. Paid my way through college and already paid off the small loan I took out. Car is paid off. I bought a condo and sold it 3 years later and made a large profit off of it. I already have a half a year’s salary worth in my 401k and Roth IRA. I have close to $200k in savings.

I don’t sponge off my bf. He wants to pay the bills. I pay some and the rent portion I would pay him is set aside in a savings account for when we get married. I’m contributing monthly to plan for a wedding and a down payment on a home.

He thinks makeup is nasty and prefers I not wear it. He thinks the manicure is dumb. He supports my basic skincare because it’s an investment in my future looks. Massage is helpful.

I’ve always thought that he is just trying to get me to stop wearing makeup. He hates and prefers the days I don’t wear it.

He’s happy. He has a girlfriend who loves him, an equal partner, and he gets sex whenever he wants it. Most 34 year old men don’t have that.

Oh and we won’t be having kids. Neither of us want them.

I think your bf sees as his sex doll. What 34 year old man has a thing in common with a 25 year old? Seems strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are far more practical about money. Women tend to spend whatever is put in their hands. He has a point, OP. He is observing how you spend money and wondering: Would I want to marry this woman who doesn't seem to have very good self-control over her own spending? Your debts would become his debts, you know. Men don't want a woman who will run up random bills. That's just the way they are, OP.

I don’t have debts. I’m 25 and have zero debts. Paid my way through college and already paid off the small loan I took out. Car is paid off. I bought a condo and sold it 3 years later and made a large profit off of it. I already have a half a year’s salary worth in my 401k and Roth IRA. I have close to $200k in savings.

I don’t sponge off my bf. He wants to pay the bills. I pay some and the rent portion I would pay him is set aside in a savings account for when we get married. I’m contributing monthly to plan for a wedding and a down payment on a home.

He thinks makeup is nasty and prefers I not wear it. He thinks the manicure is dumb. He supports my basic skincare because it’s an investment in my future looks. Massage is helpful.

I’ve always thought that he is just trying to get me to stop wearing makeup. He hates and prefers the days I don’t wear it.

He’s happy. He has a girlfriend who loves him, an equal partner, and he gets sex whenever he wants it. Most 34 year old men don’t have that.

Oh and we won’t be having kids. Neither of us want them.

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAAA you are definitely not equal partners. Not in any way imaginable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

We are all entitled to spend on our hobbies and interests, even those others find “wasteful,” provided you aren’t overspending, which it doesn’t sound like you are. For one thing I assume you both have more cash flow given shared housing.

That said, I can’t square the words “occasional splurge” with “monthly.” By definition a monthly expense isn’t “occasional.” I certainly don’t begrudge the massage, but the way you describe this makes it sound like you don’t actually know how much you spend on these things and have no budget, which probably contributes to his perception that you spend frivolously.

I don’t see “controlling” behavior so much as a clash of values. You need to get on the same page with money goals as a couple (assuming you are at that stage in your relationship, but why would you move in together if you aren’t?). You need an actual budget that includes “fun money” and neither of you gets to criticize how the other uses those funds.

I and some fixed splurges but the occasionally splurges were occasionally I will get a manicure or buy some skincare or a fancier shampoo to try. That’s only like 1-2 times a year.

I would say my expenses are tame. I spend pretty cheaply on skincare. I use the same body wash for face wash. Then it’s just a serum, moisturizer and sun screen in the morning. Each products last me about 3 months. I spend about $150 every 3 months on these. I get a monthly massage. That’s pretty much the extent on my pampering.

That’s literally not what you wrote in your op. Stop trying to back pedal, you already wrote how much of a pampered princess you are 🙄

How is it not? Op wrote

“ I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.“.

She reiterated occasional splurges and went into detail about what she spends her money on.

She also says
“like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense.”

She likes nice cosmetics, not cheap ones as she tries to back track. She even calls what she’s doing pampering. Then when people pushed back on that, all of a sudden she’s shopping at target for cheap makeup etc, even after she said she likes fancy ones? Cmon, it’s so transparent and lame.
Basic troll behavior too, not being able to keep their story straight.

You misunderstood me. I don’t consider Target that cheap but I buy majority of skincare and cosmetics cheap. I will occasionally splurge on a nice shampoo, nice cosmetics, and nice skincare. I consider even the most cheap routine pampering. It’s a little time I get to just myself to shower and do my little routine while listening to calming sounds or music.

Yeah, you enjoy the fruit of your labor and pamper yourself with drugstore brands and consider that “nice”. Stop lying good lord. It doesn’t even matter what we think, your daddy-bf who pays all your bills thinks it’s too much. Either you get with his program or you leave and start paying your own way.

Man your life must be miserable for you to be on my post caring so much.

It’s my money. I will spend how I want to. My skincare is $100 every 3 months. That isn’t cheap for a 25 year old. There are also plenty of nice drugstore brands. It’s stupid to pay more when brands like La Roche Posay, Cerave, and Naturium are just as nice. Makeup is waste to spend big money on. I prefer L’Oréal and Covergirl. They work and I’m not paying big money on makeup.

I spend the occasion $100 on a mani and pedi. My massage costs me $180. That’s the extent of what I spend my money on for myself.

Restaurants we spend a lot on but we like to try new spots and eating out is expensive in general. I have no issues dropping $200 on dinner for the experience.

I thought it was $150? I thought you saved 25%? You can’t even keep your story straight lol. Go back to your bridge.

[Anonymous]

Still don’t get this whole saving your money while he spends his money on housing. Why don’t you both contribute to both? Or is it because he says so and you are fine with that because you get to keep your money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are far more practical about money. Women tend to spend whatever is put in their hands. He has a point, OP. He is observing how you spend money and wondering: Would I want to marry this woman who doesn't seem to have very good self-control over her own spending? Your debts would become his debts, you know. Men don't want a woman who will run up random bills. That's just the way they are, OP.

I don’t have debts. I’m 25 and have zero debts. Paid my way through college and already paid off the small loan I took out. Car is paid off. I bought a condo and sold it 3 years later and made a large profit off of it. I already have a half a year’s salary worth in my 401k and Roth IRA. I have close to $200k in savings.

I don’t sponge off my bf. He wants to pay the bills. I pay some and the rent portion I would pay him is set aside in a savings account for when we get married. I’m contributing monthly to plan for a wedding and a down payment on a home.

He thinks makeup is nasty and prefers I not wear it. He thinks the manicure is dumb. He supports my basic skincare because it’s an investment in my future looks. Massage is helpful.

I’ve always thought that he is just trying to get me to stop wearing makeup. He hates and prefers the days I don’t wear it.

He’s happy. He has a girlfriend who loves him, an equal partner, and he gets sex whenever he wants it. Most 34 year old men don’t have that.

Oh and we won’t be having kids. Neither of us want them.

You are a dependent, how on earth do you consider yourself an equal partner? You are not even close to equal.
That said, he sounds like a loser. Can’t get a woman his own age so has to go after young naive women that he thinks he can control. He does not sound like a catch. I hope you reconsider your relationship, especially if you want an equal partner.

[Anonymous]

See a Dermatologist if you aren't..
You're spending too much on skin care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
See a Dermatologist if you aren't..
You're spending too much on skin care.

For cereve etc, definitely. That costs like $12…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
See a Dermatologist if you aren't..
You're spending too much on skin care.

How is that too much? I don’t have skin issues. I believe in prevention and taking acre of my skin before I’m old and look bad like some women I know.

I wash my face with my body wash most of the time. It’s a gentle unscented soap ($10). In the mornings I use a vitamin c serum that’s like $20 and a cheap sunscreen like neutrogena ( $12). I use micellar water ($5) at night to take off makeup and wash face again with body wash. Then a moisturizer I use for all over my body. La Roche Posay. It’s like $20.

The $100-150 ( depending on if I splurge on a nice body wash) includes facial care, body care, deodorant, and hair care. It also includes oral care like toothpaste, floss, tongue scraper, and mouthwash. All of this lasts me about 3 months so about $33 per month for skin, body, hair, and oral care. That’s not expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
See a Dermatologist if you aren't..
You're spending too much on skin care.

For cereve etc, definitely. That costs like $12…

Then what do you use? Cerave is gentle and the bottle will last for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
See a Dermatologist if you aren't..
You're spending too much on skin care.

How is that too much? I don’t have skin issues. I believe in prevention and taking acre of my skin before I’m old and look bad like some women I know.

I wash my face with my body wash most of the time. It’s a gentle unscented soap ($10). In the mornings I use a vitamin c serum that’s like $20 and a cheap sunscreen like neutrogena ( $12). I use micellar water ($5) at night to take off makeup and wash face again with body wash. Then a moisturizer I use for all over my body. La Roche Posay. It’s like $20.

The $100-150 ( depending on if I splurge on a nice body wash) includes facial care, body care, deodorant, and hair care. It also includes oral care like toothpaste, floss, tongue scraper, and mouthwash. All of this lasts me about 3 months so about $33 per month for skin, body, hair, and oral care. That’s not expensive.

Convince your cheap man .. Not us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
See a Dermatologist if you aren't..
You're spending too much on skin care.

How is that too much? I don’t have skin issues. I believe in prevention and taking acre of my skin before I’m old and look bad like some women I know.

I wash my face with my body wash most of the time. It’s a gentle unscented soap ($10). In the mornings I use a vitamin c serum that’s like $20 and a cheap sunscreen like neutrogena ( $12). I use micellar water ($5) at night to take off makeup and wash face again with body wash. Then a moisturizer I use for all over my body. La Roche Posay. It’s like $20.

The $100-150 ( depending on if I splurge on a nice body wash) includes facial care, body care, deodorant, and hair care. It also includes oral care like toothpaste, floss, tongue scraper, and mouthwash. All of this lasts me about 3 months so about $33 per month for skin, body, hair, and oral care. That’s not expensive.

All that comes out to $67. You are extraordinarily bad at math. You clearly don’t know what you’re spending, at all, even a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go back to class, OP.

I’m a grown woman. You go sit down.

Your spending habits suggest that of a pampered child.

Leave, please, he can do better.

So, it’s her money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

So, that word doesn't mean what you think it does.