Boyfriend wants to control me

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to push back and set some firm boundaries. My husband would control me if he could. It's his personality. I don't think his subordinates at work love his leadership style. But I don't let him. I push back on unreasonable demands. I let him go in his corner and pout about it, but it doesn't mean he's getting his way every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Why aren't you paying for housing and all housing related expenses. That is typically a major adult life expense and if you are absolving yourself of that adult basic responsiblity then it seems he has good reason for concern. Similar if he is absolving himself of all household responsibilites and contributes nothing to cooking, cleaning and house maintenance then you also have a reason for concern - just a different reason. You are young, unmarried adults. You should both be able to manage basic adulting. You should have equal financial responsibilities and he should have equal household responsiblities and if you have decided no we are more into traditional gender roles then don't compain when he takes charge of the role he has been assigned.

I offered to split all bills 50/50 but he said no. He wanted to continue to pay the main bills because that’s his job as a provider ( his words). I didn’t want to pay nothing so we came to the agreement that I will pay groceries, outings, and my own personal bills.

I’ve always paid my own way since I moved out at 20. I’m 25 and lived on my own for years as an adult.

My bf is older and said a lot of this stuff is his responsibility. He’s 34.

So you want a traditional relationship since you agreed to this? But then you also object to him having say over how you spend the money. I think you have a lot of growing up to do. Women who are grown and independent pay their own bills.

Yeah part of being a tradwife is giving him control over all of the finances. That’s the deal.

She didn’t say she wanted it. Sounds like she got tricked into it, or at least now realizes it’s a bad deal.

How did she get tricked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh great, now we are back to she is just a woman - she isn't capable of making her own decisions or being responsible for her choices. Why are people thinking she could make her own decisions? Everything is his fault. You can't fault her or put any responsiblity on her - she is just a woman. And everyone knows all a woman can be is a helpless, hapless, naive victim.

Women, even smart women, end up in abusive situations. Most normal people are interested in helping them get out, but you seem to be getting off at kicking someone when she’s down. why is that?

You have zero basis to allege abuse here. You're just projecting. Either deal with facts from this post or start another one about abused women. OP is not being abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Welp I guess I should have read all the replies. This is the problem. He actually ISN’T comfortable covering all bills, and his criticism is a passive aggressive way of telling you this. Sounds like he thinks “if she can afford all this crap why can’t she pay some rent”.
I still assert that it’s your money, but I was also basing my answer on you paying your own share/adult way. Which you are not. Soo idk now. Definitely a conversation in order, but I don’t think he’s *that* out of line if you aren’t contributing to house expenses, but saving and splurging on yourself.

I mean, he does now have a live-in cook, laundress, and Instacarter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you an as generous with equally shouldering bills and expenses or is he covering more than his half because you like to live it up and save?

He has been covering his bills. I buy our groceries and pay anytime we go out. I pay my own car insurance, gas, and my own phone bill. I also have taken over in other areas. I do almost all the cooking, laundry, and shopping for us. We came to this agreement because he said I didn’t need to pay for what he was already paying.

Welp I guess I should have read all the replies. This is the problem. He actually ISN’T comfortable covering all bills, and his criticism is a passive aggressive way of telling you this. Sounds like he thinks “if she can afford all this crap why can’t she pay some rent”.
I still assert that it’s your money, but I was also basing my answer on you paying your own share/adult way. Which you are not. Soo idk now. Definitely a conversation in order, but I don’t think he’s *that* out of line if you aren’t contributing to house expenses, but saving and splurging on yourself.

I mean, he does now have a live-in cook, laundress, and Instacarter.

Another thing OP shouldn't have agreed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh great, now we are back to she is just a woman - she isn't capable of making her own decisions or being responsible for her choices. Why are people thinking she could make her own decisions? Everything is his fault. You can't fault her or put any responsiblity on her - she is just a woman. And everyone knows all a woman can be is a helpless, hapless, naive victim.

Women, even smart women, end up in abusive situations. Most normal people are interested in helping them get out, but you seem to be getting off at kicking someone when she’s down. why is that?

Because I disagree with you that women like OP are dumb, weak, naive, and incapable of making decisions or being responsible for their own decisions and choices. THat hey exist only at the whim of men. I have a much, much higher view of women than you do and as a woman, I find your view that she is just a woman and so any expectation of her other than being a victim isn't reasonable to be incredibly insulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

Show me where she says he is dictating anything! This is what she actually wrote:

"My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”."

Stop making shit up. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

They were dating - he said move in, I am a man and will be your provider and you can cook and clean - and she said yes.

And people are saying, she is a woman - she isn't capable of understanding this or being responsible for her choices. He must be abusive and she is just a victim and not able in any way to make decisions or speak for herself or be responsible for herself. She is just a woman after all. How was she to know when he said I will be the provider and you will cook and clean that he meant he would be the provider and she would cook and clean. That is crazy to expect a woman to understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

What dictation? He criticized her spending. He didn’t order her to stop it.

I agree this is a passive aggressive way of expressing resentment about the terms of the arrangement. Some groceries and the like is not equivalent of rent.

OP should suggest a financial reset and insist on paying half the rent and bills (or whatever proportion is right for any income differential).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

What dictation? He criticized her spending. He didn’t order her to stop it.

I agree this is a passive aggressive way of expressing resentment about the terms of the arrangement. Some groceries and the like is not equivalent of rent.

OP should suggest a financial reset and insist on paying half the rent and bills (or whatever proportion is right for any income differential).

Perhaps he didn't know just how much she spends on frivolous things every month, but after a month of living together he is finally realizing. So he is trying to feel out the situation and plan for his future with her. There is nothing wrong with asking questions about things that financially impact him too. And the things that she spends money on may be important to her but they are a waste of time so calling them that is not controlling or abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They were dating - he said move in, I am a man and will be your provider and you can cook and clean - and she said yes.

And people are saying, she is a woman - she isn't capable of understanding this or being responsible for her choices. He must be abusive and she is just a victim and not able in any way to make decisions or speak for herself or be responsible for herself. She is just a woman after all. How was she to know when he said I will be the provider and you will cook and clean that he meant he would be the provider and she would cook and clean. That is crazy to expect a woman to understand that.

Women are just too dumb to make their own decisions and the only way they end up in these situations is if a much smarter man tricks them, right?

(sarcasm, of course)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

What dictation? He criticized her spending. He didn’t order her to stop it.

I agree this is a passive aggressive way of expressing resentment about the terms of the arrangement. Some groceries and the like is not equivalent of rent.

OP should suggest a financial reset and insist on paying half the rent and bills (or whatever proportion is right for any income differential).

Perhaps he didn't know just how much she spends on frivolous things every month, but after a month of living together he is finally realizing. So he is trying to feel out the situation and plan for his future with her. There is nothing wrong with asking questions about things that financially impact him too. And the things that she spends money on may be important to her but they are a waste of time so calling them that is not controlling or abusive.

And he's also realizing that by paying for all the rent and housing costs, he is enabling her to spend on things he disagrees with. There is probably a compromise to be found through good communication.