Boyfriend wants to control me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Oh she will. She definitely will. Time is free, which she is willing to let him control. Money is not apparently. Lol!

And it's really nice to have a man pay your bills. No wonder she has all of this extra money to spend on BS.

Exactly. Is he controlling or is she using him so she can save and spend as she likes w/o having to make rent?

I’m not using him to save money. I was already saving money when I was living on my own. The money I used to spend on my place ( I bought a condo at 22) is now put into a separate account for our future like our wedding or down payment on a house. It’s still my money but I’ve been putting it aside so he doesn’t have to endure all the expenses.

But it’s still your money.

If you are seriously thinking of a future with him, you two need to talk about what that looks like because your current arrangement doesn’t work for either of you.

My advice is you move back out for six months while you two figure this out and you stop blaming him for your decisions.

[Anonymous]

I want to know what op does for a living. Most 22 year olds aren’t buying a condo. Most 25 years aren’t making 175k or savings 25-30k per year.

[Anonymous]

Create a mock budget with him as an exercise. How much do you envision having as a discretionary budget each month? How much does he envision? My DH is super frugal and I’m a spender. We each have $250/month that we can spend however we want. This covers clothing, makeup, eating out, gifts for friends, but also wide screen TVs, tools we don’t need, and the newest tech gadget. Do you see where I’m going with this?

DH wanted a new TV and I thought that our old one worked perfectly. So he saved up for a year and bought it. I think it’s a gorgeous waste of money, but I didn’t say boo to him because it came from his $250/month. On the other hand, I buy a coffee shop cappuccino once a week and DH doesn’t say boo to me, because it comes out of my discretionary budget. You’ll need to work together to figure out who pays for what. For example, regular undies come out of my budget, bras come out of our health budget (He didn’t want me to be financially penalized for needing lots of support), and he pays for fun lingerie because he enjoys it more than I dodo.

So sit down with your boyfriend and see what he spends money on. Discuss what you both think is fair as a discretionary budget. Discuss how the discretionary budget will change if you have kids or but a house. ( Hint: it will be smaller, much smaller.) Go through an entire budget together. Either you’ll figure it out or you’ll break up.

I will say that I spend more money a month when I was younger, even though we make much more money now. Kids are just so expensive and they need more money every year. I miss my old discretionary budget, but I’m personally much happier with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go back to class, OP.

I’m a grown woman. You go sit down.

Your spending habits suggest that of a pampered child.

Leave, please, he can do better.

It is her money. Are you a gold digger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

What dictation? He criticized her spending. He didn’t order her to stop it.

I agree this is a passive aggressive way of expressing resentment about the terms of the arrangement. Some groceries and the like is not equivalent of rent.

OP should suggest a financial reset and insist on paying half the rent and bills (or whatever proportion is right for any income differential).

Perhaps he didn't know just how much she spends on frivolous things every month, but after a month of living together he is finally realizing. So he is trying to feel out the situation and plan for his future with her. There is nothing wrong with asking questions about things that financially impact him too. And the things that she spends money on may be important to her but they are a waste of time so calling them that is not controlling or abusive.

And he's also realizing that by paying for all the rent and housing costs, he is enabling her to spend on things he disagrees with. There is probably a compromise to be found through good communication.

Yeah, but it doesn't start with "he is trying to control me."

It is none of his business how she spends her money after she pays for agreed upon expenses. He could renegotiate, but criticize her spending is controlling and miserly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

We are all entitled to spend on our hobbies and interests, even those others find “wasteful,” provided you aren’t overspending, which it doesn’t sound like you are. For one thing I assume you both have more cash flow given shared housing.

That said, I can’t square the words “occasional splurge” with “monthly.” By definition a monthly expense isn’t “occasional.” I certainly don’t begrudge the massage, but the way you describe this makes it sound like you don’t actually know how much you spend on these things and have no budget, which probably contributes to his perception that you spend frivolously.

I don’t see “controlling” behavior so much as a clash of values. You need to get on the same page with money goals as a couple (assuming you are at that stage in your relationship, but why would you move in together if you aren’t?). You need an actual budget that includes “fun money” and neither of you gets to criticize how the other uses those funds.

I and some fixed splurges but the occasionally splurges were occasionally I will get a manicure or buy some skincare or a fancier shampoo to try. That’s only like 1-2 times a year.

I would say my expenses are tame. I spend pretty cheaply on skincare. I use the same body wash for face wash. Then it’s just a serum, moisturizer and sun screen in the morning. Each products last me about 3 months. I spend about $150 every 3 months on these. I get a monthly massage. That’s pretty much the extent on my pampering.

That’s literally not what you wrote in your op. Stop trying to back pedal, you already wrote how much of a pampered princess you are 🙄

How is it not? Op wrote

“ I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.“.

She reiterated occasional splurges and went into detail about what she spends her money on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

We are all entitled to spend on our hobbies and interests, even those others find “wasteful,” provided you aren’t overspending, which it doesn’t sound like you are. For one thing I assume you both have more cash flow given shared housing.

That said, I can’t square the words “occasional splurge” with “monthly.” By definition a monthly expense isn’t “occasional.” I certainly don’t begrudge the massage, but the way you describe this makes it sound like you don’t actually know how much you spend on these things and have no budget, which probably contributes to his perception that you spend frivolously.

I don’t see “controlling” behavior so much as a clash of values. You need to get on the same page with money goals as a couple (assuming you are at that stage in your relationship, but why would you move in together if you aren’t?). You need an actual budget that includes “fun money” and neither of you gets to criticize how the other uses those funds.

I and some fixed splurges but the occasionally splurges were occasionally I will get a manicure or buy some skincare or a fancier shampoo to try. That’s only like 1-2 times a year.

I would say my expenses are tame. I spend pretty cheaply on skincare. I use the same body wash for face wash. Then it’s just a serum, moisturizer and sun screen in the morning. Each products last me about 3 months. I spend about $150 every 3 months on these. I get a monthly massage. That’s pretty much the extent on my pampering.

That’s literally not what you wrote in your op. Stop trying to back pedal, you already wrote how much of a pampered princess you are 🙄

How is it not? Op wrote

“ I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.“.

She reiterated occasional splurges and went into detail about what she spends her money on.

She also says
“like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense.”

She likes nice cosmetics, not cheap ones as she tries to back track. She even calls what she’s doing pampering. Then when people pushed back on that, all of a sudden she’s shopping at target for cheap makeup etc, even after she said she likes fancy ones? Cmon, it’s so transparent and lame.
Basic troll behavior too, not being able to keep their story straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

What dictation? He criticized her spending. He didn’t order her to stop it.

I agree this is a passive aggressive way of expressing resentment about the terms of the arrangement. Some groceries and the like is not equivalent of rent.

OP should suggest a financial reset and insist on paying half the rent and bills (or whatever proportion is right for any income differential).

Perhaps he didn't know just how much she spends on frivolous things every month, but after a month of living together he is finally realizing. So he is trying to feel out the situation and plan for his future with her. There is nothing wrong with asking questions about things that financially impact him too. And the things that she spends money on may be important to her but they are a waste of time so calling them that is not controlling or abusive.

And he's also realizing that by paying for all the rent and housing costs, he is enabling her to spend on things he disagrees with. There is probably a compromise to be found through good communication.

Yeah, but it doesn't start with "he is trying to control me."

It is none of his business how she spends her money after she pays for agreed upon expenses. He could renegotiate, but criticize her spending is controlling and miserly.

Something tells me you're either a miserable spinster who doesn't know anything about how to live with a partner or a bitter divorce. There is nothing wrong with discussing spending with someone you are sharing your life with and plan to spend your life with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

What dictation? He criticized her spending. He didn’t order her to stop it.

I agree this is a passive aggressive way of expressing resentment about the terms of the arrangement. Some groceries and the like is not equivalent of rent.

OP should suggest a financial reset and insist on paying half the rent and bills (or whatever proportion is right for any income differential).

Perhaps he didn't know just how much she spends on frivolous things every month, but after a month of living together he is finally realizing. So he is trying to feel out the situation and plan for his future with her. There is nothing wrong with asking questions about things that financially impact him too. And the things that she spends money on may be important to her but they are a waste of time so calling them that is not controlling or abusive.

And he's also realizing that by paying for all the rent and housing costs, he is enabling her to spend on things he disagrees with. There is probably a compromise to be found through good communication.

Yeah, but it doesn't start with "he is trying to control me."

It is none of his business how she spends her money after she pays for agreed upon expenses. He could renegotiate, but criticize her spending is controlling and miserly.

Something tells me you're either a miserable spinster who doesn't know anything about how to live with a partner or a bitter divorce. There is nothing wrong with discussing spending with someone you are sharing your life with and plan to spend your life with.

Do we still call single, happy women 'miserable spinsters?' Next you are going to say they have cats! Meow! Let's stop the sexist language, please. Single women and married men are the happiest!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is trying to control you financially. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Lol. Maybe if she paid rent.

he was the one who insisted she didn’t pay rent because he is a “provider”. That was part of the control.

And she agreed to it. A grown woman.

Plenty of grown women end up in abusive/controlling relationships. This is exactly how it happens - the problems begin when it is harder to exit.

So the lesson is here, pay for your own shit if you don't want to be controlled. Don't agree to a sweet deal only to cry a month later how he is "controlling" you.

I mean my grandma was a SAHM but my granddad didn't control her to this extent. That's not normal at all.

To WHAT extent? She agreed to this deal and he is simply asking to discuss finances. That is a far cry from abuse.

He isn't discussing, he is dictating. Big difference.

What dictation? He criticized her spending. He didn’t order her to stop it.

I agree this is a passive aggressive way of expressing resentment about the terms of the arrangement. Some groceries and the like is not equivalent of rent.

OP should suggest a financial reset and insist on paying half the rent and bills (or whatever proportion is right for any income differential).

Perhaps he didn't know just how much she spends on frivolous things every month, but after a month of living together he is finally realizing. So he is trying to feel out the situation and plan for his future with her. There is nothing wrong with asking questions about things that financially impact him too. And the things that she spends money on may be important to her but they are a waste of time so calling them that is not controlling or abusive.

And he's also realizing that by paying for all the rent and housing costs, he is enabling her to spend on things he disagrees with. There is probably a compromise to be found through good communication.

Yeah, but it doesn't start with "he is trying to control me."

It is none of his business how she spends her money after she pays for agreed upon expenses. He could renegotiate, but criticize her spending is controlling and miserly.

Something tells me you're either a miserable spinster who doesn't know anything about how to live with a partner or a bitter divorce. There is nothing wrong with discussing spending with someone you are sharing your life with and plan to spend your life with.

Do we still call single, happy women 'miserable spinsters?' Next you are going to say they have cats! Meow! Let's stop the sexist language, please. Single women and married men are the happiest!

No, we don't call happy single women spinsters. PP is actually quite miserable and wants everyone else to be miserable as well. I used the phrase appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Men are far more practical about money. Women tend to spend whatever is put in their hands. He has a point, OP. He is observing how you spend money and wondering: Would I want to marry this woman who doesn't seem to have very good self-control over her own spending? Your debts would become his debts, you know. Men don't want a woman who will run up random bills. That's just the way they are, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are far more practical about money. Women tend to spend whatever is put in their hands. He has a point, OP. He is observing how you spend money and wondering: Would I want to marry this woman who doesn't seem to have very good self-control over her own spending? Your debts would become his debts, you know. Men don't want a woman who will run up random bills. That's just the way they are, OP.

I’ve been critical of the op, but she isn’t in any debt and is still saving. You are projecting or making things up that aren’t here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

We are all entitled to spend on our hobbies and interests, even those others find “wasteful,” provided you aren’t overspending, which it doesn’t sound like you are. For one thing I assume you both have more cash flow given shared housing.

That said, I can’t square the words “occasional splurge” with “monthly.” By definition a monthly expense isn’t “occasional.” I certainly don’t begrudge the massage, but the way you describe this makes it sound like you don’t actually know how much you spend on these things and have no budget, which probably contributes to his perception that you spend frivolously.

I don’t see “controlling” behavior so much as a clash of values. You need to get on the same page with money goals as a couple (assuming you are at that stage in your relationship, but why would you move in together if you aren’t?). You need an actual budget that includes “fun money” and neither of you gets to criticize how the other uses those funds.

I and some fixed splurges but the occasionally splurges were occasionally I will get a manicure or buy some skincare or a fancier shampoo to try. That’s only like 1-2 times a year.

I would say my expenses are tame. I spend pretty cheaply on skincare. I use the same body wash for face wash. Then it’s just a serum, moisturizer and sun screen in the morning. Each products last me about 3 months. I spend about $150 every 3 months on these. I get a monthly massage. That’s pretty much the extent on my pampering.

That’s literally not what you wrote in your op. Stop trying to back pedal, you already wrote how much of a pampered princess you are 🙄

How is it not? Op wrote

“ I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.“.

She reiterated occasional splurges and went into detail about what she spends her money on.

She also says
“like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense.”

She likes nice cosmetics, not cheap ones as she tries to back track. She even calls what she’s doing pampering. Then when people pushed back on that, all of a sudden she’s shopping at target for cheap makeup etc, even after she said she likes fancy ones? Cmon, it’s so transparent and lame.
Basic troll behavior too, not being able to keep their story straight.

You misunderstood me. I don’t consider Target that cheap but I buy majority of skincare and cosmetics cheap. I will occasionally splurge on a nice shampoo, nice cosmetics, and nice skincare. I consider even the most cheap routine pampering. It’s a little time I get to just myself to shower and do my little routine while listening to calming sounds or music.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved in with my boyfriend at the start of the month. I love living him for the most part, but I absolutely hate how he is trying to change me. He is semi-frugal and prefers to spend on necessities only, barring special occasions. I’m a lot more fluid with my money and like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense. I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.

My boyfriend is the opposite and asked if I really need those things. He called them “ a waste of money”. I’m not in debt and still save at least 25% of my income. I feel like he is trying to control me. His view has made me question if we’re right together.

We are all entitled to spend on our hobbies and interests, even those others find “wasteful,” provided you aren’t overspending, which it doesn’t sound like you are. For one thing I assume you both have more cash flow given shared housing.

That said, I can’t square the words “occasional splurge” with “monthly.” By definition a monthly expense isn’t “occasional.” I certainly don’t begrudge the massage, but the way you describe this makes it sound like you don’t actually know how much you spend on these things and have no budget, which probably contributes to his perception that you spend frivolously.

I don’t see “controlling” behavior so much as a clash of values. You need to get on the same page with money goals as a couple (assuming you are at that stage in your relationship, but why would you move in together if you aren’t?). You need an actual budget that includes “fun money” and neither of you gets to criticize how the other uses those funds.

I and some fixed splurges but the occasionally splurges were occasionally I will get a manicure or buy some skincare or a fancier shampoo to try. That’s only like 1-2 times a year.

I would say my expenses are tame. I spend pretty cheaply on skincare. I use the same body wash for face wash. Then it’s just a serum, moisturizer and sun screen in the morning. Each products last me about 3 months. I spend about $150 every 3 months on these. I get a monthly massage. That’s pretty much the extent on my pampering.

That’s literally not what you wrote in your op. Stop trying to back pedal, you already wrote how much of a pampered princess you are 🙄

How is it not? Op wrote

“ I enjoy the occasional splurge on getting my nails done, getting a monthly massage, going to super nice restaurants, etc.“.

She reiterated occasional splurges and went into detail about what she spends her money on.

She also says
“like to enjoy the fruit of my labor. I love pampering myself on nice cosmetics, trying a new fancy shampoo or body, and trying new skincare. I’ve always been a girly girl in that sense.”

She likes nice cosmetics, not cheap ones as she tries to back track. She even calls what she’s doing pampering. Then when people pushed back on that, all of a sudden she’s shopping at target for cheap makeup etc, even after she said she likes fancy ones? Cmon, it’s so transparent and lame.
Basic troll behavior too, not being able to keep their story straight.

You misunderstood me. I don’t consider Target that cheap but I buy majority of skincare and cosmetics cheap. I will occasionally splurge on a nice shampoo, nice cosmetics, and nice skincare. I consider even the most cheap routine pampering. It’s a little time I get to just myself to shower and do my little routine while listening to calming sounds or music.

Yeah, you enjoy the fruit of your labor and pamper yourself with drugstore brands and consider that “nice”. Stop lying good lord. It doesn’t even matter what we think, your daddy-bf who pays all your bills thinks it’s too much. Either you get with his program or you leave and start paying your own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go back to class, OP.

I;m reading this in algebra class right now.