People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reciprocity is the basis of human relationship since the start of human civilization. No, the deeds don’t have to be in kind, but each person needs to contribute.

Friendship is like a hug. To be satisfying, both people in the embrace need to squeeze with similar amount of pressure.

I am a frequent host and social organizer. As I age, I have learned to lean more into those relationships that are fulfilling to me. People always have excuses about why they never invite me to places, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. My time and resources are limited, too, and I want to invest in relationships with people who show me that they, too, care about me.

OP, my advice is to let go of the one-sided embrace and find someone else to hug without any guilt.

I agree with you. I am surprised how many think they don't need to reciprocate, and give excuses.

You two are trying to befriend the wrong type of people, who are not willing to offer what you need. Please accept the fact that people are different. You think you are "right" about transactional reciprocity being the basis of human relationships - it is FOR YOU, but certainly not for me. I don't expect my kids to cook me dinner or care for me in my old age, or anything else for that matter. I wanted THEM and I do it out of love, not expectation.

That is not a healthy basis for a friendship. Friends are not family or deities into whom you pour endless, unreciprocated love. Reading the mental gymnastics the non reciprocators go to to justify their behavior and attitudes on this thread has been truly eye opening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think you are "right" about transactional reciprocity being the basis of human relationships - it is FOR YOU, but certainly not for me. I don't expect my kids to cook me dinner or care for me in my old age, or anything else for that matter. I wanted THEM and I do it out of love, not expectation.

Uh… mammals take care of their young to increase the chances that their young will mature successfully, mate, and pass on their genes.

How could you want “them” when you didn’t even know “them” before they were born?

Lastly, have you heard of (adult) child estrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

You need to drop the non-recoprocators like a lead balloon. Clearly you are a transactional friend and no one needs that.

I reciprocate coffee or walks around the park, not necessarily dinner, but honestly I wouldn't want you as a friend. I want people around me that genuinely like spending time with me, not people who only want something in return.

The only “thing” I want in return is your company and interest. Me wanting a friend to show mutual interest makes me transactional? This is nuts. What separates your relationship with your friends from those with your plumber, your barista if not demonstrated mutual interest? Do other people seriously stay friends with people who never demonstrate interest in any way? This thread cannot be real life.

Okay.
2 weeks ago I had a birthday party for my husband, and I invited 40 people. 30 of them came. Those people taking their Friday evening to come to my home and celebrate my husband’s birthday with us is enough.
I guess if they then have a party, I sort of expect to be invited, but I really don’t need or want each of those 30 people to invite DH or I out for coffee or to take a walk around the national mall.
At the same time, I don’t want every event at my house to consist of the same four people I DO want to go out to coffee with.

It is really not necessary nor is it part of any social contract that you have to reciprocate every invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care. If I want people to come to my house, it’s because I want to enjoy their company. I don’t put on fancy dinner parties, we are more the big pot of chili, pile of cornbread muffins, plenty of homemade brownies and rice Krispy treats, wine and beer type of dinners.

We have invited a group of friends for years and some don’t reciprocate. I truly don’t care at all. For me it’s not tit for tat.

If you want people to come over, invite them. If you’re only in it for the reverse invitations, then I suggest you just stop hosting.

That’s trashy

Sounds nice to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It is really not necessary nor is it part of any social contract that you have to reciprocate every invitation.

What a strawman argument. No one is arguing that every invitation should be reciprocated. We’re talking about relationships, not single events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also a very small house person. We host sometimes, but my kids do prefer to go over to houses where the entire basement is a dedicated kids' playroom. (We have our kids share a room and the third bedroom is set up as a playroom, but it's small and on the same level, not comparable at all.) We will have the occasional casual buffet style gathering but unfortunately we just don't have great space for hosting the way a lot of our friends do. This wasn't supposed to be our forever home, but I'm sure some of you are aware of the housing market.

I honestly miss when everyone met up at parks during/after covid, it evened the playing field, no cleaning required, and the kids had to be outside with no video games to turn to.

you should suggest meeting at parks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It is really not necessary nor is it part of any social contract that you have to reciprocate every invitation.

What a strawman argument. No one is arguing that every invitation should be reciprocated. We’re talking about relationships, not single events.

Can you give me an example then? OP said that she had known people for a decade and had them over a few dozen times. That sounds to me like neighbors that you invite to a yearly Christmas party and occasional backyard BBQ.

If this isn’t what you are talking about, then what are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also a very small house person. We host sometimes, but my kids do prefer to go over to houses where the entire basement is a dedicated kids' playroom. (We have our kids share a room and the third bedroom is set up as a playroom, but it's small and on the same level, not comparable at all.) We will have the occasional casual buffet style gathering but unfortunately we just don't have great space for hosting the way a lot of our friends do. This wasn't supposed to be our forever home, but I'm sure some of you are aware of the housing market.

I honestly miss when everyone met up at parks during/after covid, it evened the playing field, no cleaning required, and the kids had to be outside with no video games to turn to.

I don't know what you consider small but we wouldn't even have space for a buffet set up. Table holds 4, maybe 6 squished. Where would we put people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It is really not necessary nor is it part of any social contract that you have to reciprocate every invitation.

What a strawman argument. No one is arguing that every invitation should be reciprocated. We’re talking about relationships, not single events.

Can you give me an example then? OP said that she had known people for a decade and had them over a few dozen times. That sounds to me like neighbors that you invite to a yearly Christmas party and occasional backyard BBQ.

If this isn’t what you are talking about, then what are you talking about?

NP but it’s not possible to synthesize it into a logical if-then statement. It’s more of a general feeling like “hey, I’m putting effort into this relationship, the other person seems disinterested, let me slow fade”.

Here are some examples:

I invite neighbors to our yearly holiday gathering and don’t expect any reciprocation other than friendly interactions when I run into them around town. If I noticed a neighbor was consistently walking by me and not taking a second to chit-chat, then you know what? I may drop them from the invite list next year. Probably no skin off their nose.

We have formerly close friends whom we used to see frequently during Covid, but it started to feel like we were always doing the inviting or initiating, even though there was no structural reason they couldn’t. They also flaked on us once or twice, which made our kids sad. So we cut down the invitations to only large events. I think they are just not planners - our common friends see them even less than we do.

On the other hand, I have a close friend from work whose home I have never been invited to because it is (in her words) small and not guest-friendly. However, she helps me a ton when I host, like a sister. And she initiates park playdates with the kids, and lunches and mani-pedis with me.

[Anonymous]

Some of these posts make me wonder how people function. If two people are friends, then it doesn’t matter how the relationship works. If one party is feeling resentful and the resentment lasts, the friendship will end. If a person is resentful of all of his or her friends but puts up with it silently that person needs therapy, not an anonymous board. Complaining on an anonymous forum will not change a “friends’” behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts make me wonder how people function. If two people are friends, then it doesn’t matter how the relationship works. If one party is feeling resentful and the resentment lasts, the friendship will end. If a person is resentful of all of his or her friends but puts up with it silently that person needs therapy, not an anonymous board. Complaining on an anonymous forum will not change a “friends’” behavior.

Some of these posts make me wonder if certain people have 0 empathy or EQ.

Ever heard of venting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts make me wonder how people function. If two people are friends, then it doesn’t matter how the relationship works. If one party is feeling resentful and the resentment lasts, the friendship will end. If a person is resentful of all of his or her friends but puts up with it silently that person needs therapy, not an anonymous board. Complaining on an anonymous forum will not change a “friends’” behavior.

Some of these posts make me wonder if certain people have 0 empathy or EQ.

Ever heard of venting?

Not about this. Move on and make friends you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts make me wonder how people function. If two people are friends, then it doesn’t matter how the relationship works. If one party is feeling resentful and the resentment lasts, the friendship will end. If a person is resentful of all of his or her friends but puts up with it silently that person needs therapy, not an anonymous board. Complaining on an anonymous forum will not change a “friends’” behavior.

Some people are just takers. We all know who the givers and takers are. Some people are inconsiderate. Some people made poor decisions to put them in a position of instability. Some people don’t have any social graces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts make me wonder how people function. If two people are friends, then it doesn’t matter how the relationship works. If one party is feeling resentful and the resentment lasts, the friendship will end. If a person is resentful of all of his or her friends but puts up with it silently that person needs therapy, not an anonymous board. Complaining on an anonymous forum will not change a “friends’” behavior.

Some people are just takers. We all know who the givers and takers are. Some people are inconsiderate. Some people made poor decisions to put them in a position of instability. Some people don’t have any social graces.

You forgot:
- Some people are judges, who judge everyone
- Some people are transactional and would never do something and expect nothing in return
- Some people are self-righteous and never look in the mirror to see the problem they are having with others

Remember every time you point a finger there are 3 pointing back at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

You need to drop the non-recoprocators like a lead balloon. Clearly you are a transactional friend and no one needs that.

I reciprocate coffee or walks around the park, not necessarily dinner, but honestly I wouldn't want you as a friend. I want people around me that genuinely like spending time with me, not people who only want something in return.

The only “thing” I want in return is your company and interest. Me wanting a friend to show mutual interest makes me transactional? This is nuts. What separates your relationship with your friends from those with your plumber, your barista if not demonstrated mutual interest? Do other people seriously stay friends with people who never demonstrate interest in any way? This thread cannot be real life.

You have it all wrong. The form of "interest" being discussed here is invites. Some of us will freely give you hours of our attention and conversation. It can be via phone! It can be over coffee! It can be at the swim meet! Does it really have to be dinner?!