People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people, especially parents, are just full up in terms of time, attention, and executive function to the point that planning social stuff is low on the list for getting through the day.

We do prioritize it because we are transplants without local family, so we're more focused on building a local support network than people who already have one. And everyone always seems very glad to be invited to stuff even if they don't have the capacity to reciprocate, or even say yes to every invitation. I know this because they express gratitude that someone else is planning something!

I am too!
We do have parties and things at our home, but I definitely don’t need people to “reciprocate” with inviting me to walk around the park together.

I would rather go for a walk with my husband, and we can still get together at group stuff and say “hi” if we pass each other in the neighborhood or at school!

I like going for walks with my husband too but I also appreciate being asked to walk with a friend. It shows they’re interested in spending time together. That’s all I want—people who I enjoy spending time w who also enjoy spending time w me. I don’t need someone to host me. I just want them to invite me to do things.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

You need to drop the non-recoprocators like a lead balloon. Clearly you are a transactional friend and no one needs that.

I reciprocate coffee or walks around the park, not necessarily dinner, but honestly I wouldn't want you as a friend. I want people around me that genuinely like spending time with me, not people who only want something in return.

The only “thing” I want in return is your company and interest. Me wanting a friend to show mutual interest makes me transactional? This is nuts. What separates your relationship with your friends from those with your plumber, your barista if not demonstrated mutual interest? Do other people seriously stay friends with people who never demonstrate interest in any way? This thread cannot be real life.

Okay.
2 weeks ago I had a birthday party for my husband, and I invited 40 people. 30 of them came. Those people taking their Friday evening to come to my home and celebrate my husband’s birthday with us is enough.
I guess if they then have a party, I sort of expect to be invited, but I really don’t need or want each of those 30 people to invite DH or I out for coffee or to take a walk around the national mall.
At the same time, I don’t want every event at my house to consist of the same four people I DO want to go out to coffee with.

It is really not necessary nor is it part of any social contract that you have to reciprocate every invitation.

NP. I don’t think anyone said you need to reciprocate every invitation. OP was talking about friends who never invite her to do anything and never offer anything in the relationship basically ie never reciprocate. Over the course of years-long friendships. Obviously you don’t need to reciprocate every single time someone invites you. But if you’re friends w someone for years and they frequently ask you to do things/offer your kids ride or whatever friendly gesture and you never do, that’s what is making you a taker.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

There are so many people like this replying on the thread that they can’t reciprocate because they don’t want to invite others to their home. As someone who hosts a lot, i view park invites as reciprocation equal to me hosting a dinner party, and I think OP does too. I only get annoyed at the people who truly never invite us to anything. It does not need to be an equal affair to anything I’ve hosted. Just something you’re comfortable with that shows you think of us too and want to prioritize spending time together.

Total non-reciprocators piss me off too, OP, and I eventually cut them off.

OP here. I also appreciate the people who offer to give my children rides. DS has one friend whose mom has said that their home is cluttered and needs updating. She is the first to offer to drive my kid to a birthday party or drive them to and from a school event. They have also bought my child a slice of pizza and McDonald’s and my child enjoyed it.

I have a friend who I have known for over a decade and she bakes us cookies and she will initiate going out to lunch or a movie. I’m frustrated and annoyed at the people who literally never give anything, never offer anything, never invite you to anything. There are many free things one can initiate like a hike or bike ride.

This attitude gives me such an ick! It’s very “what can you do for me” - I just do NOT think of social relationships this way!! You’re literally proving that it’s not about wanting to have your kid play at someone’s house, it’s about whether people are doing favors for you. To each their own, but you should at least realize not everyone works this way.

Who talks like this? Are you 12?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

Yes. We actually host dinner parties, brunches and tea parties.

But, we have seasons that we host people, and then months that we do not host at home. For example - we have not hosted large groups for dinner at home since November, all the way to Feb. We have only called very close family for dinner and it has not been super fancy. March-April and May will be the time that I will host several dinners and tea-parties. Each will include different groups of people. Then I will be busy in Sept-Oct to host a series of religious celebrations. Some other families like to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, I will cook several dishes and take it to their homes for celebrations like each year. My Thanksgiving and Christmas remains limited to my close family, and it very often means catered food.

In the months that I don't entertain at home. I basically invite people to restaurants, plays, dinners, spa, walks and movies OR we attend as guests the parties we are invited to. The truth is that there is a real cost in terms of physical labor, time, effort, money, planning. stress etc. Also, the "off times" is required so that the house can be made 'guest and entertaining ready'. Besides, your normal regular life also continues.

If you are calling large groups of people - there is economy of scale for sure, but, your entire house has to be 'guest and entertaining ready' to accommodate everyone. The reason that I entertain in cluster is that I can book some help a few months out, as well as economize on booze, cleaning, food etc. The house gets deep cleaned and spruced for one party, and it remains quite clean and spruced up for the next one too with a bit of effort.

It is NOT EASY to host because you have to clean a lot, make space, figure out seating, figure out serving dishes and other stuff, before you even think of drinks, food, and entertainment. And if you don't host regularly, you absolutely lose confidence in your ability to host. You forget how to do things. Your brain does not function in the host mode at all.

Please say more about these adult tea parties you host! I am agog.

I mainly only host ladies for tea parties. Usually women who can be easily grouped together. Neighbors, relatives, mom-friends, hobby/activity group etc. DH and kids are told to become invisible until I need them for helping me. I usually create a group for the invite, instructions, reminders, thank yous and sending photos of the tea-party. This also allows people to know who all are invited to the party, what their contact info is etc.

Menu consists of variety of tea-sandwiches (cucumber, egg, salmon), homemade baked goods, several filling savory dishes, some snacks that are bought etc. Food is arranged on the dining table for people to self serve. Also, lemon water, plates, silverware, napkins, condiments etc. I usually buy flowers from Costco or TJ and display it around the house and also where food is served. If more than 6 people are invited, I make sure that tea is already brewed with milk. I don't add any sweetner. Guests can choose to add sugar or sweetner. I also give a choice of lemon water, caffeine-free tea or instant coffee.

I stick to 4 pm tea time. Before the party, I arrange the seating so everyone can sit in one big room and also it is easy for me to serve tea. That's it.

People talk to each other because mostly they know each other and it is usually very lively conversation. People are asked to dress well as we take group pictures and that's pretty much how the party ends.

After everyone leaves - I run the dishwasher and hand wash any delicate serveware or tea-cups. We put back the chairs and seating in their proper place, I vacuum and mop, and then I send all the group pictures to the attendees.

When my entertaining season starts, I start with tea-parties. It is way easier than a full fledged dinner and does not go as long as a dinner. Also, menu is easier and can be as eclectic as you want. I start off by hosting neighbors, hobby-friends, mom-friends, relatives etc first. It gets me into the swing of things and people around me don't feel left out if they are not invited to dinners etc because they have been invited to tea parties. Tea parties also gives me a chance to try out any new appetizers I want to serve in more formal dinners.

How old are your kids?

I have 3 kids and afternoon is peak time for us with sports on weekdays and weekends.

I’m guessing her kids are in their mid-40’s.

2 HS teenagers. If my kids were in mid-40's that would make me in my 70s and would have downsized to a retirement community.

If you aren’t in a retirement community, how do you know all of these people who are free for a party at 4pm and want to go on long walks in the middle of the day?

Parties are mainly during weekends. And there are lots of working and non-working people with flexible time. I live in a somewhat affluent area and SAHMs, part timers, hobby jobs, WAHMs etc are also not unusual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts make me wonder how people function. If two people are friends, then it doesn’t matter how the relationship works. If one party is feeling resentful and the resentment lasts, the friendship will end. If a person is resentful of all of his or her friends but puts up with it silently that person needs therapy, not an anonymous board. Complaining on an anonymous forum will not change a “friends’” behavior.

Some people are just takers. We all know who the givers and takers are. Some people are inconsiderate. Some people made poor decisions to put them in a position of instability. Some people don’t have any social graces.

You forgot:
- Some people are judges, who judge everyone
- Some people are transactional and would never do something and expect nothing in return
- Some people are self-righteous and never look in the mirror to see the problem they are having with others

Remember every time you point a finger there are 3 pointing back at you.

Are you 80?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Ugh score keepers are thé worst.

This is not a tit for tat. It is 100 to ZERO or 50 to ZERO.

Cut me off and stop whining about it.

You sound pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who attend parties don't really want to be there. Stop throwing parties, no one wants to go. They are doing you a favor by showing up. They don't want to throw more parties at their own homes. Stop already.

You are so much less special and important than you think you are.

[Anonymous]

I read this differently from others. I don’t think people are being transactional, score- keeping, or mean. If I am always inviting someone to do things ( at my home and elsewhere) and they never invite me, I will assume I am just not that important to them.

I am a person and have feelings as well, and I am also equally bisy with work, children, family. I happen to feel like friendships are important and so put in the work.

I had one friend seek me out and specifically tell me what was going on with her and that she truly valued our friendship even if was not obvious. I have another friend I realized would never, ever visit me. I finally accepted it and now just say…I’m coming x dates and she’s thrilled.

So, yes, we know how to compromise and meet others where they are when they tell us. The op is saying it’s hurtful to never, ever, be thought of if she does not initiate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people may lack courtesy, but that doesn’t necessarily make them bad. Often, it’s just something they didn’t learn growing up. Over time, I’ve found the best way to socialize with them is through outdoor activities or meeting at restaurants where everyone covers their own bill. That said, I never exclude their kids from birthday or graduation invites.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also a very small house person. We host sometimes, but my kids do prefer to go over to houses where the entire basement is a dedicated kids' playroom. (We have our kids share a room and the third bedroom is set up as a playroom, but it's small and on the same level, not comparable at all.) We will have the occasional casual buffet style gathering but unfortunately we just don't have great space for hosting the way a lot of our friends do. This wasn't supposed to be our forever home, but I'm sure some of you are aware of the housing market.

I honestly miss when everyone met up at parks during/after covid, it evened the playing field, no cleaning required, and the kids had to be outside with no video games to turn to.

The irony of someone in a “starter home” talking about the homes her kids prefer to visit for play dates and events—“must have entire basement dedicated as playroom.”

Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also a very small house person. We host sometimes, but my kids do prefer to go over to houses where the entire basement is a dedicated kids' playroom. (We have our kids share a room and the third bedroom is set up as a playroom, but it's small and on the same level, not comparable at all.) We will have the occasional casual buffet style gathering but unfortunately we just don't have great space for hosting the way a lot of our friends do. This wasn't supposed to be our forever home, but I'm sure some of you are aware of the housing market.

I honestly miss when everyone met up at parks during/after covid, it evened the playing field, no cleaning required, and the kids had to be outside with no video games to turn to.

The irony of someone in a “starter home” talking about the homes her kids prefer to visit for play dates and events—“must have entire basement dedicated as playroom.”

Gross.

We have the big basement/playroom. I sometimes wonder if people don’t invite us over after seeing our house. Our house is over 10,000sf. My kids will happily come over and play in your child’s bedroom. You do not have to invite me, the parent, just my kid(s).

I’m from NYC. My friends who live in 2-3 bedroom apartments in Manhattan host us more than our friends here in the DMV. I don’t think size of home matters at all. I hang at my friends’ apartments and have a great time. Kids often share rooms and they have no playroom at all. The kids’ closets are so compact with clothes and toys because space is so limited.

[Anonymous]

And when they visit us they joke that their entire apt can fit in our master bedroom and that their kid’s room is the size of my closet. I have an equally good time in their living room in nyc.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

You need to drop the non-recoprocators like a lead balloon. Clearly you are a transactional friend and no one needs that.

I reciprocate coffee or walks around the park, not necessarily dinner, but honestly I wouldn't want you as a friend. I want people around me that genuinely like spending time with me, not people who only want something in return.

The only “thing” I want in return is your company and interest. Me wanting a friend to show mutual interest makes me transactional? This is nuts. What separates your relationship with your friends from those with your plumber, your barista if not demonstrated mutual interest? Do other people seriously stay friends with people who never demonstrate interest in any way? This thread cannot be real life.

Okay.
2 weeks ago I had a birthday party for my husband, and I invited 40 people. 30 of them came. Those people taking their Friday evening to come to my home and celebrate my husband’s birthday with us is enough.
I guess if they then have a party, I sort of expect to be invited, but I really don’t need or want each of those 30 people to invite DH or I out for coffee or to take a walk around the national mall.
At the same time, I don’t want every event at my house to consist of the same four people I DO want to go out to coffee with.

It is really not necessary nor is it part of any social contract that you have to reciprocate every invitation.

NP. I don’t think anyone said you need to reciprocate every invitation. OP was talking about friends who never invite her to do anything and never offer anything in the relationship basically ie never reciprocate. Over the course of years-long friendships. Obviously you don’t need to reciprocate every single time someone invites you. But if you’re friends w someone for years and they frequently ask you to do things/offer your kids ride or whatever friendly gesture and you never do, that’s what is making you a taker.

How do you even have friends that you have known for years and invited over multiple times who have never reciprocated?
Either these are people who are part of a larger group of friends, in which case not inviting them to a gathering with that group of friends is a d!ck move and you know it.
Or they are someone who has made it clear that they don’t really like you, and yet you have pursued this friendship for years anyway, offering to drive their kids places, inviting them to things, baking them pies, and basically bending over backwards to gain their approval. Have some self-respect and don’t do this for years and years.

[Anonymous]

People who don't reciprocate are losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who attend parties don't really want to be there. Stop throwing parties, no one wants to go. They are doing you a favor by showing up. They don't want to throw more parties at their own homes. Stop already.

You are so much less special and important than you think you are.

So are you.
I’m not sitting around waiting for the invite to your amazing party. But if we generally hang out in a group of five, and you only invite three other women and leave me out, I’m going to wonder what’s up.
If you don’t want to host, let’s just meet up at the bar. Who cares?