People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

I’m a stepmom and I see my stepsons and their parents doing this. Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to socially engineer socia things - my dynamics within the blended family just don’t give me that power. I will sometimes drop a, “hey do you want to invite friend B to come to the pool today?” But nothing happens because the four of them - my stepsons, my husband and his ex - are just not social initiators. They’re all a tad socially inept.

Part of it that we don’t have a big house and many of their friends do. One stepson has said he feels self conscious inviting friends over but what can I do? I have tried and failed to get his dad to move to a different house with more hang out space.

Anyway, I’d keep inviting these people over if you or your kids like them. We appreciate the invites and the kids enjoy socializing. They’re just not good at inviting people over or initiating play dates themselves. I agree it’s a bit rude and I watch it with curiosity because I just don’t get it. I think it’s just kind of a lack of social skills. And you’re doing those kids a solid if you keep having them over so that they can learn social skills that they aren’t getting from their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We simply cut back the hosting and or inviting those who don’t reciprocate.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

FYI - no one is forcing you to invite people to your home or even spend money on them. You could initiate an outing to a local event like a fall farm festival or Christmas lights, where it’s pretty understood that everyone pays their way. The point is to show that you actually want to spend time with someone vs. appearing to reluctantly accept their invites.

But it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on, so totally reasonable to preserve your mental bandwidth for important things, which socializing is not. I would never expect a single parent to host.

Isn’t this one of the things that OP is complaining about? That people invite her to dinner and a movie or invite her child on an outing, but they don’t reciprocate hosting in their own home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So for those of you who cannot comprehend why there is no reciprocation despite many posters spelling out the issues they have, would you prefer that those of us who have hosting deficiencies just decline all of your invitations? Is that what your looking for because you are keeping score?

We host often and some of our friends have told us their house is not big or XYZ reasons which we understand I am cutting those who are happy to come over all the time and say we should do this again and propose a play date and never follow up. As a host, I get to decide who I invite and how I decide that. This is not scorekeeping, it cutting off those who want everything set out for them and put zero effort. Guess what we all are busy two working parents, no support, kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a large segment of the population who assume invites come with no strings attached and wouldn’t think it is conditional on anything. If your invites are in fact conditional, then so be it, but realize not everyone thinks that way.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't bother me at all. Not everyone has the capacity to host or a home that is good for it. We love to host but it's not for everyone, especially with most families having two parents working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a large segment of the population who assume invites come with no strings attached and wouldn’t think it is conditional on anything. If your invites are in fact conditional, then so be it, but realize not everyone thinks that way.

How is it conditional when you say you will do something and never follow through? If you don't want to put in the work then don't say it. Agaian we all are busy and social settings are not a one-way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't bother me at all. Not everyone has the capacity to host or a home that is good for it. We love to host but it's not for everyone, especially with most families having two parents working.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

I reciprocate because I don’t want to come off as rude since I know some people are transactional. As a host, if I invite you, it’s because I enjoy your company and want to spend time with you. I don’t expect anything in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For us, we don't have consecutive hours to host anything for you or your kid (subsequent kids' schedules, work, errands, etc) BUT that doesn't mean my kid is busy and its fine if she goes to your house to play for a few hours. Just not the other way around.

Thanks for proving OP’s point. And kind of you to grace others with your royal presence while refusing to put in any effort.

Don’t worry, we know who you are and you’re not invited next time. Let’s save us all the trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

FYI - no one is forcing you to invite people to your home or even spend money on them. You could initiate an outing to a local event like a fall farm festival or Christmas lights, where it’s pretty understood that everyone pays their way. The point is to show that you actually want to spend time with someone vs. appearing to reluctantly accept their invites.

But it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on, so totally reasonable to preserve your mental bandwidth for important things, which socializing is not. I would never expect a single parent to host.

Isn’t this one of the things that OP is complaining about? That people invite her to dinner and a movie or invite her child on an outing, but they don’t reciprocate hosting in their own home?

OP is too high maintance. Inviting out is fine. We have a very small house. Its uncomfortable to have more than 2 people over and we don't really have space to host a big meal (as in 1000 square feet). I don't feel like doing all the cooking and cleaning when we can just go out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I reciprocate because I don’t want to come off as rude since I know some people are transactional. As a host, if I invite you, it’s because I enjoy your company and want to spend time with you. I don’t expect anything in return.

You really think it’s someone being “transactional” if you’ve (hypothetically) been to their house several times and you commented on their “amazing spread” and “wonderful hospitality” and never invited them to anything? Why even go to their house, then?

I would call that bad manners, but my parents raised me differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they don’t want to come over in the first place but pity you

Haha! Your attempt to be mean just shows how few friends you have to think that people have time to accept uninteresting invites out of pity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those of you who cannot comprehend why there is no reciprocation despite many posters spelling out the issues they have, would you prefer that those of us who have hosting deficiencies just decline all of your invitations? Is that what your looking for because you are keeping score?

We host often and some of our friends have told us their house is not big or XYZ reasons which we understand I am cutting those who are happy to come over all the time and say we should do this again and propose a play date and never follow up. As a host, I get to decide who I invite and how I decide that. This is not scorekeeping, it cutting off those who want everything set out for them and put zero effort. Guess what we all are busy two working parents, no support, kids, etc.

I like this approach and agree

[Anonymous]

Op views hosting playdates, and similar get together, like she's doing others a favor. It's not.