People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts make me wonder how people function. If two people are friends, then it doesn’t matter how the relationship works. If one party is feeling resentful and the resentment lasts, the friendship will end. If a person is resentful of all of his or her friends but puts up with it silently that person needs therapy, not an anonymous board. Complaining on an anonymous forum will not change a “friends’” behavior.

Some people are just takers. We all know who the givers and takers are. Some people are inconsiderate. Some people made poor decisions to put them in a position of instability. Some people don’t have any social graces.

You forgot:
- Some people are judges, who judge everyone
- Some people are transactional and would never do something and expect nothing in return
- Some people are self-righteous and never look in the mirror to see the problem they are having with others

Remember every time you point a finger there are 3 pointing back at you.

I think I’m just tired of putting in all the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reciprocity is the basis of human relationship since the start of human civilization. No, the deeds don’t have to be in kind, but each person needs to contribute.

Friendship is like a hug. To be satisfying, both people in the embrace need to squeeze with similar amount of pressure.

I am a frequent host and social organizer. As I age, I have learned to lean more into those relationships that are fulfilling to me. People always have excuses about why they never invite me to places, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. My time and resources are limited, too, and I want to invest in relationships with people who show me that they, too, care about me.

OP, my advice is to let go of the one-sided embrace and find someone else to hug without any guilt.

I agree with you. I am surprised how many think they don't need to reciprocate, and give excuses.

You two are trying to befriend the wrong type of people, who are not willing to offer what you need. Please accept the fact that people are different. You think you are "right" about transactional reciprocity being the basis of human relationships - it is FOR YOU, but certainly not for me. I don't expect my kids to cook me dinner or care for me in my old age, or anything else for that matter. I wanted THEM and I do it out of love, not expectation.

That is not a healthy basis for a friendship. Friends are not family or deities into whom you pour endless, unreciprocated love. Reading the mental gymnastics the non reciprocators go to to justify their behavior and attitudes on this thread has been truly eye opening.

Glad your eyes have been opened and you can see the light.

Now find some friends who you don't complain about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think you are "right" about transactional reciprocity being the basis of human relationships - it is FOR YOU, but certainly not for me. I don't expect my kids to cook me dinner or care for me in my old age, or anything else for that matter. I wanted THEM and I do it out of love, not expectation.

Uh… mammals take care of their young to increase the chances that their young will mature successfully, mate, and pass on their genes.

How could you want “them” when you didn’t even know “them” before they were born?

Lastly, have you heard of (adult) child estrangement?

I highly suggest you invest in a tutor for reading comprehension skills. I don't think you understand what I wrote or it's meaning. Or don't, I'm not your friend and don't care what you do.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts make me wonder how people function. If two people are friends, then it doesn’t matter how the relationship works. If one party is feeling resentful and the resentment lasts, the friendship will end. If a person is resentful of all of his or her friends but puts up with it silently that person needs therapy, not an anonymous board. Complaining on an anonymous forum will not change a “friends’” behavior.

Some people are just takers. We all know who the givers and takers are. Some people are inconsiderate. Some people made poor decisions to put them in a position of instability. Some people don’t have any social graces.

You forgot:
- Some people are judges, who judge everyone
- Some people are transactional and would never do something and expect nothing in return
- Some people are self-righteous and never look in the mirror to see the problem they are having with others

Remember every time you point a finger there are 3 pointing back at you.

I think I’m just tired of putting in all the effort.

Not one person is asking you to, so stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

You are right and what tou describe sounds completely normal. We meet at a restaurant or event usually. I'm on a text chain and one lady usually organizes, but occasionally someone else will. Some people never organize and join when they can. I can't imagine dropping them because they never said in a text chain "anyone up for music in the park on Thursday?" Its so stupid that people here think they need dinner at someone else's house. That's so much effort for our busy world. And for my friends who don't send the invite - I love your company, please join whenever you can - you don't need to change. All my friends bring something to the relationship, sometimes it's just the conversation, not an invitation. When I invite them, it's because I want to spend time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

My kids are all school aged (ES and MS) and we try to have people over 2X per month and get invited about 1x per month.

We also do 2 annual big events per year, where we have 100+ guests.

Other than the big events (catered) we host casual dinners or brunches. So bagels and lox, or quiche and pastries, or cookouts, or a casual dinner. Usually those are just one family at a time, and I wish we could schedule them almost every week - we have a lot of friends and we don’t get to see some friends as often as we would like.

I have a nice house, but it’s not spotless or perfect. But when I go to someone’s house I’m not looking for problems, I’m just excited to be going! And being invited out is nice, too, but less relaxing because it’s noisy at most dinner places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people may lack courtesy, but that doesn’t necessarily make them bad. Often, it’s just something they didn’t learn growing up. Over time, I’ve found the best way to socialize with them is through outdoor activities or meeting at restaurants where everyone covers their own bill. That said, I never exclude their kids from birthday or graduation invites.

This. People who do not reciprocate do not have the functionality to reciprocate. Many reasons for this - They have been raised without these basic socialization skills, they have dirty homes, they are poor and don't have money, they have a toxic family situation, they don't know how to cook etc. So the best thing to do is to invite them to a place where everyone covers their own tab.

Or, better still - invite them to a park and pack some simple, extra sandwiches, water and apples for them too. Everyone has a simple meal and your kid (and you) get some company.

Well, we are not charities. If they can’t offer friendship or put effort in anything, why should we keep initiating things or inviting them over? I guess people with those excuses should friend each other, so no feelings hurt!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people may lack courtesy, but that doesn’t necessarily make them bad. Often, it’s just something they didn’t learn growing up. Over time, I’ve found the best way to socialize with them is through outdoor activities or meeting at restaurants where everyone covers their own bill. That said, I never exclude their kids from birthday or graduation invites.

This. People who do not reciprocate do not have the functionality to reciprocate. Many reasons for this - They have been raised without these basic socialization skills, they have dirty homes, they are poor and don't have money, they have a toxic family situation, they don't know how to cook etc. So the best thing to do is to invite them to a place where everyone covers their own tab.

Or, better still - invite them to a park and pack some simple, extra sandwiches, water and apples for them too. Everyone has a simple meal and your kid (and you) get some company.

Well, we are not charities. If they can’t offer friendship or put effort in anything, why should we keep initiating things or inviting them over? I guess people with those excuses should friend each other, so no feelings hurt!

I agree with you and these are people you don't want to engage they are freeloaders. Best to cut these off. As a host I understand the effort it takes and the shallow offers from guests we should do this soon bla bla and no efforts untill I am the one doing it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

You need to drop the non-recoprocators like a lead balloon. Clearly you are a transactional friend and no one needs that.

I reciprocate coffee or walks around the park, not necessarily dinner, but honestly I wouldn't want you as a friend. I want people around me that genuinely like spending time with me, not people who only want something in return.

The only “thing” I want in return is your company and interest. Me wanting a friend to show mutual interest makes me transactional? This is nuts. What separates your relationship with your friends from those with your plumber, your barista if not demonstrated mutual interest? Do other people seriously stay friends with people who never demonstrate interest in any way? This thread cannot be real life.

Okay.
2 weeks ago I had a birthday party for my husband, and I invited 40 people. 30 of them came. Those people taking their Friday evening to come to my home and celebrate my husband’s birthday with us is enough.
I guess if they then have a party, I sort of expect to be invited, but I really don’t need or want each of those 30 people to invite DH or I out for coffee or to take a walk around the national mall.
At the same time, I don’t want every event at my house to consist of the same four people I DO want to go out to coffee with.

It is really not necessary nor is it part of any social contract that you have to reciprocate every invitation.

What if these 30 people never invite you to anything that needs effort after you invite them over for party for a few years in a row? How does that feel? Do they look like friends to you? You still want to be friends with them? Wow, you must lack friendship in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

You are right and what tou describe sounds completely normal. We meet at a restaurant or event usually. I'm on a text chain and one lady usually organizes, but occasionally someone else will. Some people never organize and join when they can. I can't imagine dropping them because they never said in a text chain "anyone up for music in the park on Thursday?" Its so stupid that people here think they need dinner at someone else's house. That's so much effort for our busy world. And for my friends who don't send the invite - I love your company, please join whenever you can - you don't need to change. All my friends bring something to the relationship, sometimes it's just the conversation, not an invitation. When I invite them, it's because I want to spend time with them.

Please read the thread no one is claiming to want a dinner invite. You are creating a narrative to fit your agenda. Reciprocating can be following up on what you said, suggest a meet up, etc
We all are busy here if you like to freeload then be ready to be cut off.

[Anonymous]

Not op, but when I invite people (playdate doesn’t count) over to my house for a few times, I do expect them to invite us over at least once. It doesn’t need to be fancy or anything, just showing your willingness to put efforts in our relationship. And I also believe home is private space, that means the next level to parks, malls, and restaurants. If you can’t, I eventually fade the relationship. Of course, I never host big parties, only a few families that I believe we could develop long term and deep relationship. So far, it worked. And I love my friends! Many of them happen to be great cooks, too! People who reciprocate are usually generous and capable people in life. I don’t need to understand all the excuses other people have, just focus on people who could reciprocate.
I genuinely think the free loaders should friend each other and play in their circle. But too bad, no more parties for them, because no one will host!!
I hate the comments from one of the freeloaders that they are giving their time to us. Come on, who needs your time and attention? Save it to your own problematic life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not op, but when I invite people (playdate doesn’t count) over to my house for a few times, I do expect them to invite us over at least once. It doesn’t need to be fancy or anything, just showing your willingness to put efforts in our relationship. And I also believe home is private space, that means the next level to parks, malls, and restaurants. If you can’t, I eventually fade the relationship. Of course, I never host big parties, only a few families that I believe we could develop long term and deep relationship. So far, it worked. And I love my friends! Many of them happen to be great cooks, too! People who reciprocate are usually generous and capable people in life. I don’t need to understand all the excuses other people have, just focus on people who could reciprocate.
I genuinely think the free loaders should friend each other and play in their circle. But too bad, no more parties for them, because no one will host!!
I hate the comments from one of the freeloaders that they are giving their time to us. Come on, who needs your time and attention? Save it to your own problematic life!

+1 the anti social free loaders can stick to themselves. We are social people and believe in modeling manners to our children: when someone invites you to their home repeatedly and you accept, you also open your home to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

Yes. We actually host dinner parties, brunches and tea parties.

But, we have seasons that we host people, and then months that we do not host at home. For example - we have not hosted large groups for dinner at home since November, all the way to Feb. We have only called very close family for dinner and it has not been super fancy. March-April and May will be the time that I will host several dinners and tea-parties. Each will include different groups of people. Then I will be busy in Sept-Oct to host a series of religious celebrations. Some other families like to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, I will cook several dishes and take it to their homes for celebrations like each year. My Thanksgiving and Christmas remains limited to my close family, and it very often means catered food.

In the months that I don't entertain at home. I basically invite people to restaurants, plays, dinners, spa, walks and movies OR we attend as guests the parties we are invited to. The truth is that there is a real cost in terms of physical labor, time, effort, money, planning. stress etc. Also, the "off times" is required so that the house can be made 'guest and entertaining ready'. Besides, your normal regular life also continues.

If you are calling large groups of people - there is economy of scale for sure, but, your entire house has to be 'guest and entertaining ready' to accomodate everyone. The reason that I entertain in cluster is that I can book some help a few months out, as well as economize on booze, cleaning, food etc. The house gets deep cleaned and spruced for one party, and it remains quite clean and spruced up for the next one too with a bit of effort.

It is NOT EASY to host because you have to clean a lot, make space, figure out seating, figure out serving dishes and other stuff, before you even think of drinks, food, and entertainment. And if you don't host regularly, you absolutely lose confidence in your ability to host. You forget how to do things. Your brain does not function in the host mode at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

You need to drop the non-recoprocators like a lead balloon. Clearly you are a transactional friend and no one needs that.

I reciprocate coffee or walks around the park, not necessarily dinner, but honestly I wouldn't want you as a friend. I want people around me that genuinely like spending time with me, not people who only want something in return.

The only “thing” I want in return is your company and interest. Me wanting a friend to show mutual interest makes me transactional? This is nuts. What separates your relationship with your friends from those with your plumber, your barista if not demonstrated mutual interest? Do other people seriously stay friends with people who never demonstrate interest in any way? This thread cannot be real life.

Okay.
2 weeks ago I had a birthday party for my husband, and I invited 40 people. 30 of them came. Those people taking their Friday evening to come to my home and celebrate my husband’s birthday with us is enough.
I guess if they then have a party, I sort of expect to be invited, but I really don’t need or want each of those 30 people to invite DH or I out for coffee or to take a walk around the national mall.
At the same time, I don’t want every event at my house to consist of the same four people I DO want to go out to coffee with.

It is really not necessary nor is it part of any social contract that you have to reciprocate every invitation.

What if these 30 people never invite you to anything that needs effort after you invite them over for party for a few years in a row? How does that feel? Do they look like friends to you? You still want to be friends with them? Wow, you must lack friendship in your life.

It feels fine. I mean, 10 of these people are mine or DH’s close friends and another 10 are their spouses.
Of the remaining 20 people I invited, probably 10 of these are people l know because they invited us to their parties before.
There were a few people there who DH works with or that live nearby who never invite us to anything, and that’s fine. I’m glad that they made the effort to come.
I don’t need them to bring McDonalds over for my kids or ask me to go hiking.