People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

You need to drop the non-recoprocators like a lead balloon. Clearly you are a transactional friend and no one needs that.

I reciprocate coffee or walks around the park, not necessarily dinner, but honestly I wouldn't want you as a friend. I want people around me that genuinely like spending time with me, not people who only want something in return.

The only “thing” I want in return is your company and interest. Me wanting a friend to show mutual interest makes me transactional? This is nuts. What separates your relationship with your friends from those with your plumber, your barista if not demonstrated mutual interest? Do other people seriously stay friends with people who never demonstrate interest in any way? This thread cannot be real life.

Okay.
2 weeks ago I had a birthday party for my husband, and I invited 40 people. 30 of them came. Those people taking their Friday evening to come to my home and celebrate my husband’s birthday with us is enough.
I guess if they then have a party, I sort of expect to be invited, but I really don’t need or want each of those 30 people to invite DH or I out for coffee or to take a walk around the national mall.
At the same time, I don’t want every event at my house to consist of the same four people I DO want to go out to coffee with.

It is really not necessary nor is it part of any social contract that you have to reciprocate every invitation.

NP. I don’t think anyone said you need to reciprocate every invitation. OP was talking about friends who never invite her to do anything and never offer anything in the relationship basically ie never reciprocate. Over the course of years-long friendships. Obviously you don’t need to reciprocate every single time someone invites you. But if you’re friends w someone for years and they frequently ask you to do things/offer your kids ride or whatever friendly gesture and you never do, that’s what is making you a taker.

How do you even have friends that you have known for years and invited over multiple times who have never reciprocated?
Either these are people who are part of a larger group of friends, in which case not inviting them to a gathering with that group of friends is a d!ck move and you know it.


Or they are someone who has made it clear that they don’t really like you, and yet you have pursued this friendship for years anyway, offering to drive their kids places, inviting them to things, baking them pies, and basically bending over backwards to gain their approval. Have some self-respect and don’t do this for years and years.

But why is that the case? If someone has made zero gestures (host, initiate, give a ride, etc) then they are indicating they don't really prioritize that relationship. Hosting is a lot of work and people have limited time and resources. What if they want to include someone new that is showing interest and they have limited space? I understand maybe if its something like a bookclub and its typically potluck but its not fair to hosts to always have to include people that really don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

You need to drop the non-recoprocators like a lead balloon. Clearly you are a transactional friend and no one needs that.

I reciprocate coffee or walks around the park, not necessarily dinner, but honestly I wouldn't want you as a friend. I want people around me that genuinely like spending time with me, not people who only want something in return.

The only “thing” I want in return is your company and interest. Me wanting a friend to show mutual interest makes me transactional? This is nuts. What separates your relationship with your friends from those with your plumber, your barista if not demonstrated mutual interest? Do other people seriously stay friends with people who never demonstrate interest in any way? This thread cannot be real life.

Okay.
2 weeks ago I had a birthday party for my husband, and I invited 40 people. 30 of them came. Those people taking their Friday evening to come to my home and celebrate my husband’s birthday with us is enough.
I guess if they then have a party, I sort of expect to be invited, but I really don’t need or want each of those 30 people to invite DH or I out for coffee or to take a walk around the national mall.
At the same time, I don’t want every event at my house to consist of the same four people I DO want to go out to coffee with.

It is really not necessary nor is it part of any social contract that you have to reciprocate every invitation.

NP. I don’t think anyone said you need to reciprocate every invitation. OP was talking about friends who never invite her to do anything and never offer anything in the relationship basically ie never reciprocate. Over the course of years-long friendships. Obviously you don’t need to reciprocate every single time someone invites you. But if you’re friends w someone for years and they frequently ask you to do things/offer your kids ride or whatever friendly gesture and you never do, that’s what is making you a taker.

How do you even have friends that you have known for years and invited over multiple times who have never reciprocated?
Either these are people who are part of a larger group of friends, in which case not inviting them to a gathering with that group of friends is a d!ck move and you know it.


Or they are someone who has made it clear that they don’t really like you, and yet you have pursued this friendship for years anyway, offering to drive their kids places, inviting them to things, baking them pies, and basically bending over backwards to gain their approval. Have some self-respect and don’t do this for years and years.

But why is that the case? If someone has made zero gestures (host, initiate, give a ride, etc) then they are indicating they don't really prioritize that relationship. Hosting is a lot of work and people have limited time and resources. What if they want to include someone new that is showing interest and they have limited space? I understand maybe if its something like a bookclub and its typically potluck but its not fair to hosts to always have to include people that really don't care.

Because if you are hosting a group of people, it’s about the group getting together. It isn’t about your personal relationship with any particular individual.
Also, we all know that you are gossiping about the person who has consistently been invited for the last decade and is now off the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And when they visit us they joke that their entire apt can fit in our master bedroom and that their kid’s room is the size of my closet. I have an equally good time in their living room in nyc.

I get it. I'm guessing it's because you were friends before kids, so those bonds are longer and deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who attend parties don't really want to be there. Stop throwing parties, no one wants to go. They are doing you a favor by showing up. They don't want to throw more parties at their own homes. Stop already.

You are so much less special and important than you think you are.

So are you.
I’m not sitting around waiting for the invite to your amazing party. But if we generally hang out in a group of five, and you only invite three other women and leave me out, I’m going to wonder what’s up.
If you don’t want to host, let’s just meet up at the bar. Who cares?

Are you initiating the bar meet up?

The whole thread is about effort. Do you only expect invitations or do you also invite the friend(s) out? The invitation does not have to be to your home, just any effort towards the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who attend parties don't really want to be there. Stop throwing parties, no one wants to go. They are doing you a favor by showing up. They don't want to throw more parties at their own homes. Stop already.

You are so much less special and important than you think you are.

So are you.
I’m not sitting around waiting for the invite to your amazing party. But if we generally hang out in a group of five, and you only invite three other women and leave me out, I’m going to wonder what’s up.
If you don’t want to host, let’s just meet up at the bar. Who cares?

Are you initiating the bar meet up?

The whole thread is about effort. Do you only expect invitations or do you also invite the friend(s) out? The invitation does not have to be to your home, just any effort towards the friendship.

Honestly, I really don’t know anyone who would intentionally leave someone out like this. If someone is inviting teammates from the rec league sport I play over to their house or out to the bar, everyone is invited. The person doing the inviting doesn’t pick and choose. I don’t keep track of how often people initiate the invite.

When my kids were little, I had a weekly standing play date with four other women, and we were all invited every time. One of them lived in a trailer and never hosted. No one ever thought to disinvite her because of it. I hosted at my house a lot, but I can’t remember anyone ever really “initiating.”

I just don’t see how purposefully excluding people is anything other than mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who attend parties don't really want to be there. Stop throwing parties, no one wants to go. They are doing you a favor by showing up. They don't want to throw more parties at their own homes. Stop already.

You are so much less special and important than you think you are.

So are you.
I’m not sitting around waiting for the invite to your amazing party. But if we generally hang out in a group of five, and you only invite three other women and leave me out, I’m going to wonder what’s up.
If you don’t want to host, let’s just meet up at the bar. Who cares?

Are you initiating the bar meet up?

The whole thread is about effort. Do you only expect invitations or do you also invite the friend(s) out? The invitation does not have to be to your home, just any effort towards the friendship.

Honestly, I really don’t know anyone who would intentionally leave someone out like this. If someone is inviting teammates from the rec league sport I play over to their house or out to the bar, everyone is invited. The person doing the inviting doesn’t pick and choose. I don’t keep track of how often people initiate the invite.

When my kids were little, I had a weekly standing play date with four other women, and we were all invited every time. One of them lived in a trailer and never hosted. No one ever thought to disinvite her because of it. I hosted at my house a lot, but I can’t remember anyone ever really “initiating.”

I just don’t see how purposefully excluding people is anything other than mean.

So let’s say you had this playgroup of 4 and one person never hosted, never invited you to anything and your kids are now teens. She moved. You moved. You still invited and hosted the 4 friends for years but one friend never invited you to anything in ten years and she also lives in a different area now. It isn’t that strange to stop inviting her. You may still invite the other 1-2 people you still see from the playgroup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who attend parties don't really want to be there. Stop throwing parties, no one wants to go. They are doing you a favor by showing up. They don't want to throw more parties at their own homes. Stop already.

You are so much less special and important than you think you are.

So are you.
I’m not sitting around waiting for the invite to your amazing party. But if we generally hang out in a group of five, and you only invite three other women and leave me out, I’m going to wonder what’s up.
If you don’t want to host, let’s just meet up at the bar. Who cares?

Are you initiating the bar meet up?

The whole thread is about effort. Do you only expect invitations or do you also invite the friend(s) out? The invitation does not have to be to your home, just any effort towards the friendship.

Honestly, I really don’t know anyone who would intentionally leave someone out like this. If someone is inviting teammates from the rec league sport I play over to their house or out to the bar, everyone is invited. The person doing the inviting doesn’t pick and choose. I don’t keep track of how often people initiate the invite.

When my kids were little, I had a weekly standing play date with four other women, and we were all invited every time. One of them lived in a trailer and never hosted. No one ever thought to disinvite her because of it. I hosted at my house a lot, but I can’t remember anyone ever really “initiating.”

I just don’t see how purposefully excluding people is anything other than mean.

So let’s say you had this playgroup of 4 and one person never hosted, never invited you to anything and your kids are now teens. She moved. You moved. You still invited and hosted the 4 friends for years but one friend never invited you to anything in ten years and she also lives in a different area now. It isn’t that strange to stop inviting her. You may still invite the other 1-2 people you still see from the playgroup.

That did happen, and yes that would be weird. She’s the one of the first people I called when my mom was diagnosed with cancer (I initiated the phone call). They all four flew out for her funeral. I guess it was initiated, planned, and hosted by me, but I really appreciated having them there.

This is all so weird. What does it matter who does the inviting when you see your friends?

[Anonymous]

Who cares, OP. Some ppl host more or organize outings more than others. Some are extroverts and some are introverts. If you enjoy these people's company, invite them over. If not, then don't. If they have some big party and don't invite you, then that's a different story. But if they just don't generally host things, then maybe it's ok you invite them more. If it's money you're worried about, ask to meet at a restaurant and split the bill or meet an event.

[Anonymous]

I am incredibly insecure and never initiated get together's for fear no one will show up. Pathetic but true. We also live in an apt and just don't have the space. My child shares a bedroom with us- that small. Playground meet ups but that is all I can do. I hope to one day have a nice home to reciprocate.